While You Were Pre-Ordering Saddam’s Execution on Pay-Per-View

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  • “For the level of condition that I have now, that was without a doubt the hardest physical thing I have ever done. I never felt a point where I hit the wall, it was really a gradual progression of fatigue and soreness.” -Lance Armstrong, on either running yesterday’s NYC marathon or having sex with Sheryl Crow.
  • Britney Spears is putting hubby K-Fed on a diet to help him lose the sympathy weight he gained while the pop star was pregnant. Kevin plans on knocking the bitch up again ASAP to make sure this doesn’t happen.
  • Rod Stewart has given his blessing to his daughter Kim’s new breast implants. It’s unclear as to whether holy water was prominently involved.
  • Mick Jagger has inspired Meat Loaf to hit the gym and get in shape. That was, of course, until Keith Richards inspired him to forget about the gym and just do a ton of heroin instead.
  • Doogie Howser came out over the weekend as a content gay man. Vinne Delpino, however, is still deep in the closet.

Best of the Best Week Ever

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Tune into Best Week Ever tonight @11 and all weekend long to find out what else you missed!

ICYMI: Rape Is Not Funny…

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…but rape on The Young & the Restless sure is! This dude has to be the best looking sexual predator pirate in history.

LISTEN UP: Daily Dog Pic Quota Filled? Check.

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  • Throw back a couple of shots of Jack and listen to the vintage stylings of Dale Hawkins over at Spread the Word.
  • The upbeat To Die By Your Side blog posts three awesome mashups, and by “awesome” we mean “Have you heard that Gnarls Barkley song Crazy? It’s soooo gonna be the song of summer 06″ No, we swear, it’s worth a listen.
  • Wonder why rap was better 15 years ago? Instrumental Analysis tells you, with examples of course.
  • The Perm & The Skullet introduces us to Proof of Ghosts: “Like Neil Young to Sonic Youth riddled with an updated old tent revival feel, Proof of Ghosts rips at your soul and your heart and doesn’t let go.” A-where do we a-sign!?!?!
  • Indie Blog Heaven posts Friday manna, in the form of songs from Death Cab 2 a lil Ted Leo.
  • Unrelated photo courtesy of Dooce. It’s a slow day and we just had to.

God Hates Haggs

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Daily-Douche-tedhaggard3.jpgThe producers of Jesus Camp should send New Life Church leader Ted Haggard one of the male hookers he loves so much for helping them out by ostensibly admitting that he pays for man-love at the precise time they release their documentary – in which the preacher is prominently featured – about the hypocrisy of the Evangelical Right. Haggard, who is a personal friend of President Bush and President of the National Association of Evangelicals (representing over 30 million voting Christians), has preached about the “evils” of gay sex on numerous occasions (including the clip below, taken from Jesus Camp), and now has admitted to purchasing crystal meth and “massages” (mostly in and around his genitals, we’re sure) from a male prostitute. Now that he’s resigned from his position as head pastor in shame, we find Ted Haggard most deserving of the holy honor of being baptized today’s Daily Douche.

UPDATE: Here’s video of the lord’s servant explaining that he was only leaving messages on male escorts’ answering machines to buy meth. Meth that he would later throw away instead of snorting it and having hot sex some rented boy.

White Powder Trailer: Cocaine Cowboys

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Cocaine Cowboys isn’t what you think. It isn’t a movie about Paris and Lilo on horseback. Nor does it have anything to do with Whitney Houston and the Superbowl. The movie is a documentary about Columbian drug trafficking, being billed as the “real” Scarface. The best part? While buzz on the movie is good (so good you just wanna rub the film strip along your gums), unsurprisingly many of the folks in Miami interested in seeing the movie aren’t that interested seeing it at a swanky art house. As a result, the bootleg DVD is a runaway hit at flea markets across the area. But instead of throwing a fit, the filmmakers have embraced the attention, making short films (available on Youtube) interviewing the very thieves profiting off their work. Kudos, guys, way to avoid getting your throats slashed. Check out the trailer, and make sure to blow your nose before your boss comes back.

Seinfeld’s Bee Movie Releases Live Action Trailer

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BEEMOVIE.JPGIt’s no secret that we’re still suffering from Seinfeld withdrawal. The show now airs 4 times daily here in New York, and it’s barely enough to keep our kvetching urges at bay. When Jerry Seinfeld made an appearance at Comedy Central’s Night of Too Many Stars benefit, we nearly lept to sweet death from our mezzanine seats out of pure happiness. So you can understand our enthusiasm regarding this live action preview for the upcoming animated jaunt Bee Movie. Seinfeld + Bee Costume + Chris Rock = Excellent Friday afternoon trailer. (via Cinematical)

Finding Positives In The Negatives: Borat

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borat.jpgBelieve it or not, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan is currently the highest rated movie over at Rottentomatoes.com. It sports a 95% “fresh” rating, edging out Scorcese’s The Departed and, yes, even Saw III. However, rather than read the 80 positive reviews, we decided to focus solely on the 4 negatives. Here’s what they have to say:

“Their humor is mean, not funny. Cohen spends the movie gladly accepting the kindness of strangers who accept him, despite his outlandish appearance and demeanor, then he takes advantage of their good graces by turning them into laughing stocks for his audience.”
-Edward Douglas, comingsoon.net

“It also should be noted that “Borat” is extremely scatological and raises the bar once again on what a mainstream studio comedy thinks it can get away with in terms of nude and crude sex humor.”
-William Arnold, Seattlepi.com

“He says much to offend the people with whom he comes into contact, particularly people who have been for centuries the butt of cruelty now here, now there, now in this century, now in that.”
-Harvey S. Karten, ShowBiz Forum

Unfortunately, oneguysopinion’s site wasn’t working so we were unable to get a quote from him, but we imagine it’d go something like this: “Wahh, Borat was mean to people, wahh.”

Well, judging solely on the quotes from the “negative” reviews, now I REALLY can’t wait to see this movie tonight. Thanks guys! You sold me. How about you– are you going to see Borat tonight? Harvey S. Karten needs to know.