Paris Hilton Is Cock-Eyed Anyway You Look At It

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Today, Page Six reports the “real” reason behind Paris Hilton‘s trademarked wonk-eye. They claim its stems from a botched eye-lift had when Paris was only 19-years-old. Now, she was spotted at another plastic surgeon with sister Nicky, likely in order to fix the skewed lid.

Now, we would love to believe that Paris went in for a surgery normally reserved for women 40+ at the ripe young age of 19 (and, if the pictures are any indication, we’re sure she got some work done on her nose). But, look closely at the photos of Paris above, taken when she was merely a teen. Unrecognizable? Surely. But still kind of wonk-eyed! We call shenanigans.

Also, place your bets for how many days that baby kitten survived her clutches. (Update: I also thought it was a ferret! But the original photo must have been written in a land where ferrets are called kittens. Anyway, yes folks, it’s a ferret. I was way too busy staring at her face, my b.)

Johnny Has Swept the Legs Out From Under Every Internet Video That Came Before This One!

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PopCandy, there are no words to express our gratitude for the link you posted to Sweep the Leg. Our lives has been infinitely enriched by viewing this miracle of music videomaking genius. William Zabka – better known to you as Johnny from The Karate Kid – has taken a sh*tty pop song from some forgettable rock band, and created a brain-shattering symphony of 80’s awesomeness that will blow your ever-loving mind – this is nothing less than the Citizen Kane of online comedy videos. It has everything you could ever want from a few minutes of semi-ironic pop culture nostalgia – aging Cobra Kai hooligans, Ralph Macchio, a post-apocalyptic John Creese, and Mr. Belding just for the f*cking hell of it. My hands are literally shaking on account of the giddy euphoria I am currently experiencing in the afterglow of watching this video. I would write more, but I’m going to watch it about 400 more times now.

UPDATE: It’s on YouTube! Let the viral craziness begin…

John Mayer Solves Pesky Grey’s Anatomy Problem; Next Up: Global Warming

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john mayer jessica.jpgEver since Americans collectively decided that the Trump/Rosie feud was too stupid/boring to pay attention to, we’ve been searching for something to fill the C-Level-Celebrity-Controversy void in our lives. Enter Isaiah Washington.

Everybody’s up in arms (again) over Isiah’s use of the word “faggot” (again) and nobody knows what to do about it. Nobody except John Mayer, that is. Just check out his most recent blog entry, where the man who loves running through the halls of his high school and screaming at the top of his lungs provides a solution for how to deal with Mr. Washington:

“I would like to offer my suggestion for a solution; produce an episode of Grey’s Anatomy in which Mr. Washington’s character, Dr. Burke comes out to his friends and colleagues as a gay man!!! What better way for an actor to get to the roots of his discrimination than by portraying the very the subject of his own ire for the remainder of his contract? That’ll learn ya!”

This is such a great idea! In fact, I haven’t agreed with John Mayer like this since the time he urged mothers to treat their daughters right (or some bulls**t like that.) I’m totally down with the idea of making Isaiah’s character gay. And not just a little gay, but super-gay. Like bursting out of the closet on a white unicorn level-of-gay. I mean, who wouldn’t tune in for Isiah’s first gay love scene? Grey’s Anatomy would get Superbowl-esque ratings! It’d be like the gay Superbowl! The gayer Superbowl!

John- quit your day job and forget about stand-up comedy, I think we know what you’re supposed to be doing. Go get a job as a staff writer on Grey’s, ASAP. You’re their only hope.

The Office: He Says Yes!

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1 2 office michael.JPGWell, it’s taken months of torture, longing glances, hinting text messages, and passion-less Karen exchanges, for Jim to finally admit to the world (and Karen) what we already knew: He still has feelings for Pam! Half of us is like “Poor Karen”, and then the other half is “Eff Karen!”, because really, it’s fiction after all, and in this little fictional planet, Jim and Pam are MFEO. In other news, Oscar is back! In a Lexus S.U.V. no less (more than enough room for a burro in the back.) And the Dunderlings celebrate with a little Swanson’s chimichanga, “Mexican lemoñade”, and heartache.

Dwight leaves. Angela is down and out. Andy has absolutely no competition when it comes to being Michael‘s bestie (Single White Female anyone?) And Dwight ends up selling paper for funerals at Staples (Side note: What a distracting outside promotional stint! Between the Staples shredder and last night’s in-store placement, we can’t help but cringe at the irony that real life Dunder Miflins are being trounced by this constant Staples promotional badgering.) It was good to see Dwight eventually take his pain out on a single, poor, paper burro. Blindfolds? He doesn’t need one.

1 2 jiim.JPGBut Michael seems… different. Like, depressed different. You would think, what with his new ladyfriend and all, that the man would be more sprightly than ever. But we found his demeanor quite sad yesterday — obviously because Andy is sucking the ever-living life out of him. Watching Michael get a taste of his own stalkery medicine last night, we couldn’t help but wish things were back to their old ways. Then again, we always do appreciate a wall-punching freak-out, so maybe it’s a trade off. Now that Dwight is back, we can only hope the spark will be back a-glintin’ in Michael’s eye.

God bless the NBC higher-ups for releasing a hearty producer’s cut to watch online — if only for more snow in the convertible scenes. You can relive your favorite quotes (we were overwhelmed) at OfficeTally. How long until the freaking Stamford people are gone for good? We’ll be setting our egg timers in anticipashe.

ICYMI: Great Minds Think Alike

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I’m not going to waste your time by saying that these clips of Stephen Colbert visiting The O’Reilly Factor and Bill O’Reilly visiting The Colbert Report are required viewing. Because by now you should already know that. Enjoy.

And to see O’Reilly’s visit, click here.

While You Were Preparing To Put The ‘Happy’ In ‘Happy Hour’

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  • Isaiah Washington has admitted he needs help. Not to cure his homophobia, but to come up with a few more synonyms for “faggot.”
  • Marilyn Manson’s friends think it’s creepy that the shock rocker is dating a 19-year-old girl who looks like his estranged wife. So apparantly that’s what creeps out Marilyn Manson’s friends.
  • Naomi Campbell will guest star on Ugly Betty. The producers decided it was finally time to bring in someone who was ugly on the inside.
  • Dina Lohan is proud of her daughter Lindsay for making the courageous decision to get help. And she’s even prouder that she won their “first one to go to rehab loses” bet.
  • Beyonce’s father blames Beyonce’s Golden Globes snub on racism. He feels that it’s time that Hollywood learns to accept beautiful African American women who kinda look white sometimes.

Best Night Ever: Thursday, January 18th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, January 18th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best moments of Thursday night TV, including: Grey’s Anatomy, The Office, Ugly Betty, The OC and Scrubs…the musical! And an homage to Twin Peaks thrown in for good measure.

Check out Dan’s sketch group, A Week of Kindness.

…OF THE DAY

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  • SAD GOODBYE: Art Buchwald, the legendary humor columnist for the Washington Post, passed away yesterday at 81… but not without writing a touching farewell article. (Editor and Publisher)
  • GOTH TREE IN A BLAND FOREST: So, we just want to understand this: If Marilyn Manson is having a mid-life crisis, does that mean he’s gonna wash his 18-year-old suburban goth makeup off? What is he gonna do with all those leather onesies??(People Magazine)
  • 20 RICH BITCHES: The only reason why we are posting this is because Celine Dion is the 5th richest woman in show biz, and we are likely the only people in the world who 1. believe it and 2. think she deserves it. But how the hell did Janet Jackson come in at #7? (Defamer)
  • GET JOE PESCI ON THE LINE, WE’VE GOT A MOVIE TO MAKE!: What happens when some homeless dude (or “fragrant vagrant”) camps out in front of a posh New York antiques store? Don’t bother asking Jeeves, we’ve got the answer: Sue the bastard for a million bucks! (NY Post)
  • PUTTING THE INTERN IN INTERNET: Hey, our intern has a blog! Wait a second — what the hell is she doing blogging all day when I have boiling hot coffee that needs to be thrown? (The Ultimate Reality)

ZARF’S FINAL WORD: “I’ve Always Wanted to Fly”

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We just want to clarify: We’re going to try to bring you Zarf every day, as long as All My Children keeps him, in his own special little video. We’ll continue bringing Unemployment Check to you as regularly schedjed.

Moving along, here’s your Zarf moment of the day. It should be pretty obvious which two consecutive words spoken made us laugh long and hard. Enjoy.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Rosie’s Bed-Wetting

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TMI doesn’t even begin to cover our feelings about this clip featuring Raquel Welch, menopause discussion, and Rosie O’Donnell’s disturbing nighttime confession.