Dane Cook is not the only comedian lurking in the darkest bowels of Myspace, sending messages to innocent bloggers and comics just trying to make a living. And that comedian is Jon Lovitz. Last February, I received an unsolicited message from the man best known for “Acting? Thank youuuu”, the man sometimes referred to as “The Critic”, and needless to say, I was surprised and saddened by his harsh words. Check out this message he sent to me (please read in your best Lovitz-esque voice):
Jon Lovitz here. I got your friend’s request. Thanks for asking and of course, I’ll add you.
I have a question for you. Could you please tell me how I could put a calendar like the one you have on your profile page, on mine? That is, where to go on my space to put it up there? I’d really appreciate it.
Good luck in your career and I hope you’re having a great year so far.
The nerve! The chutzpah! The gall of that guy! Sadly, Myspace deletes sent messages after a certain amount of time. However, we’re pretty sure ours read like this:
OMG! Jon Lovitz, hello! What a treat — nay, delight! Before we begin on calendaring, let me just tell you how much I absolutely love Tales of Ribaldry and your turn as Evelyn Quince… Fave sketch evs! Moving along…
OK, it wasn’t that annoying, but you get the hint. He couldn’t be a nicer guy. Note to Dane: Jon Lovitz could teach you a thing or two about ah-common ah-courtesy. And if ’07 is anything like ’06, I should be getting a message from Rita Rudner any minute now. Aaaaany minute.
When we last dropped in on him, Zach Braff was telling us how he’s sad, feels like an outsider in Hollywood, only wears sweatpants and doesn’t have any famous friends (this must be the “screenwriter” side of the multifaceted artist). But it’s a new day, and the latest report on the State of Braff-Being seems vastly different from the melancholic K-hole we thought he was stuck in:
A TMZ spy spotted Zach at a party in Hollywood where the “Scrubs” star was trying to sweet-talk one of the female caterers.
He pulled every card he had up his sleeve — but to no avail. After telling the server how beautiful she was and informing her that he would have her added to the guest list at Hyde, she still kindly refused.
Yes, there’s no Chicken Noodle Soup For the Sad Actor’s Soul quite so rejuvenating as unsuccessfully hitting on an overworked waitress you arrogantly assume would be impressed by your fame and/or pull with the meathead standing in front of the door at some d-bag Hollywood nightclub. Who needs spiritual fulfillment when you can just pinch a bartender’s ass and promise to introduce her to Justin Timberlake if she sleeps with you?
Britney Spears desperately tries to win another $5 with her world famous “I Bet I Can Fit Two Entire Cupcakes In My Mouth At The Same Time” bet.
Leave your captions in the comments. And for more pictures of the beautiful Britney, head over to Faded Youth now.
If you’re one of the culinary faithful who, like myself, makes it a point not miss a single episode of Top Chef (greatest reality show of all time), your brain will still be buzzing about the drama that went down on last night’s episode. After competiting to decide who will make it to the final four and go to Hawaii, Ilan and Elia decide to celebrate their accomplishment by shaving their heads bald. Sam is clearly too vain to shear his beautiful man-locks, but no one harassed him about it – instead Big Cliff (who’s already bald) turned his hulking mass towards the show’s rented mule Marcel, who was sleeping peacefully on the couch (dreaming up his next rap, I’m sure) when Cliff put him into a Line Cook Death Grip in an attempt to forcibly shave his trademark Wolverine Haircut bald. While practically euphoric with glee at the idea of watching Marcel cry whilst his adamantium X-Fro is busted against his will, I started to feel sorry for the guy when I realized he was in actual pain. It was like laughing along with your jock friend as he picks on the class dork, then starting to feel sorry for the dork as soon as things get too real. Anyway, needless to say, when Chef Tom Colicchio got wind of what was going down, he rolled in and handed Cliff his walking papers, which was sort of anticlimactic since it seemed like they were going to send Cliff home anyway on account of his cooking. Either way, this was an awesome episode (and I’m pretty sure Ilan boned Elia).
G4 hit up the red carpet at the AVN Awards to talk to some famous pornstars (like Mary Carey and Tera Patrick), some famous rockstars (like Dave Navarro), and some famous child stars… like the one and only Samuel “Screech” Powers, Dustin Diamond. Screech was apparently at the Adult awards show to pick up the prize for Most Disturbing Sex Tape That’s Impossible To Masturbate To… Even As A Joke (breaking R. Kelly’s streak of taking home that prize 7 years in a row.)
If you’re a former child actor who’s been trying to figure out a way to get people to stop asking you about your past, watch this video. By following Dustin’s lead and talking solely about sex acts like dirty sanchezes and Abraham Lincolns, it’s almost impossible to segue into a conversation about what it was like working with Mario Lopez. I said almost impossible.
Whether or not you’ve ever personally had a drinking problem, you’re probably aware of the organization known as Alcoholics Anonymous. But what about those people – particularly the rich and famous – whose lives no longer allow for anonymity? Lindsay Lohan is the latest high-profile celebrity to enter into Alcoholics Not Anonymous, and these are the 12 steps she must take to recover her celebrity status:
Step One: Admitting That You Are Powerless Over the Paparazzi – and That Your Public Image Has Become Unmanagable.
Step Two: Came to Believe That a Power Greater Than Our Publicist Could Restore Our Image to Good-Standing.
Step Three: Made a Decision To Turn Our Lives Over to the Will of A Luxury Rehabilitation Facility as We Understand It.
Step Four: Made a Fearless and Searching Inventory of the Pills In Our Purse.
You guys, the latest CGI Penguin movie is real…. scary real. We’re not sure who is producing this little ditty about Lala, a 14-year-old penguin in Japan who goes shopping for his starving family by walking to the local fish market with his dirty, ragged little penguin backpack, but whatever studio is backing this film: Congratulations. We will be first on the ticket line in 2012, the year of its release. Happy Feet can suck it. In other news, I have to go cry tears of laughter for a million years. Bye.
When we saw this video of a man drawing a perfect circle on Webjunk.tv, we thought “No big deal. Why has this video already gotten over 2 million hits on YouTube? Who can’t draw a perfect circle on a blackboard like that?” Of course, since we work in a building that doesn’t have a single blackboard, we’re just going to have to assume that we can do this too. Consistently. With our eyes closed. Drunk, even. So whatever.
Alright, fine… I admit that’s pretty cool. I need to go get some chalk and start practicing.
This week, the new season of American Idol premiered, and if their ratings are any indication, people still love the show. Last night’s episode, which sought to find talent in Seattle only to be slapped across the face with a rainbow trout, delivered some of the worst auditions ever. But perhaps the only thing funnier and more-godawfully-depressing than the auditioners themselves are their Myspace profiles, delusional online profiles of America’s mentally handicapped. The Death by Camera blog has spent waaaay too much time compiling a list of AI Myspace profiles from last night and the first round (not that we’re unappreciative, mind you), and some of the results are Hilario Dawson.
We’d like to focus specifically on Nicholas Zitzmann, aka the Real Life Dwight Schrute. No, it’s scary. They sort of have the same confident dorkiness that’s charming to a point, the same delusional dreams that fill your heart while crushing your soul. Apparently, poor Nick’s coworkers are no less savvy to his potential hilarity than our favorite Office employee, Jim Halpert. For example:
He said that his co-workers had talked him into auditioning even though theyâ€™ve never heard him sing a song. Those fine folks obviously realized the limitless entertainment potential of Nicholas Zitzmann.
Kudos, guys. Fine, fine work.