Best Night Ever: Thursday, January 18th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, January 18th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best moments of Thursday night TV, including: Grey’s Anatomy, The Office, Ugly Betty, The OC and Scrubs…the musical! And an homage to Twin Peaks thrown in for good measure.

Check out Dan’s sketch group, A Week of Kindness.

…OF THE DAY

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  • SAD GOODBYE: Art Buchwald, the legendary humor columnist for the Washington Post, passed away yesterday at 81… but not without writing a touching farewell article. (Editor and Publisher)
  • GOTH TREE IN A BLAND FOREST: So, we just want to understand this: If Marilyn Manson is having a mid-life crisis, does that mean he’s gonna wash his 18-year-old suburban goth makeup off? What is he gonna do with all those leather onesies??(People Magazine)
  • 20 RICH BITCHES: The only reason why we are posting this is because Celine Dion is the 5th richest woman in show biz, and we are likely the only people in the world who 1. believe it and 2. think she deserves it. But how the hell did Janet Jackson come in at #7? (Defamer)
  • GET JOE PESCI ON THE LINE, WE’VE GOT A MOVIE TO MAKE!: What happens when some homeless dude (or “fragrant vagrant”) camps out in front of a posh New York antiques store? Don’t bother asking Jeeves, we’ve got the answer: Sue the bastard for a million bucks! (NY Post)
  • PUTTING THE INTERN IN INTERNET: Hey, our intern has a blog! Wait a second — what the hell is she doing blogging all day when I have boiling hot coffee that needs to be thrown? (The Ultimate Reality)

ZARF’S FINAL WORD: “I’ve Always Wanted to Fly”

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We just want to clarify: We’re going to try to bring you Zarf every day, as long as All My Children keeps him, in his own special little video. We’ll continue bringing Unemployment Check to you as regularly schedjed.

Moving along, here’s your Zarf moment of the day. It should be pretty obvious which two consecutive words spoken made us laugh long and hard. Enjoy.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Rosie’s Bed-Wetting

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TMI doesn’t even begin to cover our feelings about this clip featuring Raquel Welch, menopause discussion, and Rosie O’Donnell’s disturbing nighttime confession.

EXCLUSIVE: Jon Lovitz is My Myspace Pen Pal!

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Dane Cook is not the only comedian lurking in the darkest bowels of Myspace, sending messages to innocent bloggers and comics just trying to make a living. And that comedian is Jon Lovitz. Last February, I received an unsolicited message from the man best known for “Acting? Thank youuuu”, the man sometimes referred to as “The Critic”, and needless to say, I was surprised and saddened by his harsh words. Check out this message he sent to me (please read in your best Lovitz-esque voice):

Hi Michelle!

Jon Lovitz here. I got your friend’s request. Thanks for asking and of course, I’ll add you.

I have a question for you. Could you please tell me how I could put a calendar like the one you have on your profile page, on mine? That is, where to go on my space to put it up there? I’d really appreciate it.

Good luck in your career and I hope you’re having a great year so far.

sincerely,
Jon Lovitz

The nerve! The chutzpah! The gall of that guy! Sadly, Myspace deletes sent messages after a certain amount of time. However, we’re pretty sure ours read like this:

OMG! Jon Lovitz, hello! What a treat — nay, delight! Before we begin on calendaring, let me just tell you how much I absolutely love Tales of Ribaldry and your turn as Evelyn Quince… Fave sketch evs! Moving along…

OK, it wasn’t that annoying, but you get the hint. He couldn’t be a nicer guy. Note to Dane: Jon Lovitz could teach you a thing or two about ah-common ah-courtesy. And if ’07 is anything like ’06, I should be getting a message from Rita Rudner any minute now. Aaaaany minute.

BRAFF BEAT: Zach Coping With His Depression By Hitting On Waitresses, Name-Dropping Hyde

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When we last dropped in on him, Zach Braff was telling us how he’s sad, feels like an outsider in Hollywood, only wears sweatpants and doesn’t have any famous friends (this must be the “screenwriter” side of the multifaceted artist). But it’s a new day, and the latest report on the State of Braff-Being seems vastly different from the melancholic K-hole we thought he was stuck in:

A TMZ spy spotted Zach at a party in Hollywood where the “Scrubs” star was trying to sweet-talk one of the female caterers.

He pulled every card he had up his sleeve — but to no avail. After telling the server how beautiful she was and informing her that he would have her added to the guest list at Hyde, she still kindly refused.

Yes, there’s no Chicken Noodle Soup For the Sad Actor’s Soul quite so rejuvenating as unsuccessfully hitting on an overworked waitress you arrogantly assume would be impressed by your fame and/or pull with the meathead standing in front of the door at some d-bag Hollywood nightclub. Who needs spiritual fulfillment when you can just pinch a bartender’s ass and promise to introduce her to Justin Timberlake if she sleeps with you?

CAPTION THIS! Spitney Spears

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Britney Spears desperately tries to win another $5 with her world famous “I Bet I Can Fit Two Entire Cupcakes In My Mouth At The Same Time” bet.

Leave your captions in the comments. And for more pictures of the beautiful Britney, head over to Faded Youth now.

TOP CHEF INDIGESTION: Cliff Tried To Give the People Too Much of What They Want

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TC_bio_marcel.JPGIf you’re one of the culinary faithful who, like myself, makes it a point not miss a single episode of Top Chef (greatest reality show of all time), your brain will still be buzzing about the drama that went down on last night’s episode. After competiting to decide who will make it to the final four and go to Hawaii, Ilan and Elia decide to celebrate their accomplishment by shaving their heads bald. Sam is clearly too vain to shear his beautiful man-locks, but no one harassed him about it – instead Big Cliff (who’s already bald) turned his hulking mass towards the show’s rented mule Marcel, who was sleeping peacefully on the couch (dreaming up his next rap, I’m sure) when Cliff put him into a Line Cook Death Grip in an attempt to forcibly shave his trademark Wolverine Haircut bald. While practically euphoric with glee at the idea of watching Marcel cry whilst his adamantium X-Fro is busted against his will, I started to feel sorry for the guy when I realized he was in actual pain. It was like laughing along with your jock friend as he picks on the class dork, then starting to feel sorry for the dork as soon as things get too real. Anyway, needless to say, when Chef Tom Colicchio got wind of what was going down, he rolled in and handed Cliff his walking papers, which was sort of anticlimactic since it seemed like they were going to send Cliff home anyway on account of his cooking. Either way, this was an awesome episode (and I’m pretty sure Ilan boned Elia).

LISTEN UP: Yes, Beyonce Is Replaceable

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  • Gentlemen, you have a response. Ne-Yo covers lead vocals on the catchy Beyonce song, Irreplaceable, proving that she is, indeed, replaceable. Check it out over at Idolator.
  • Puddlegum compiles a group of all the leaked tracks off the new Arcade Fire album Neon Bible. You can also dial 1-866-NEON-BIBLE to check out some samples.
  • Harmony In My Ears has a couple of tracks off of the brand new French Kicks album. The only joke we could think of was “You can-can and you will-will love them”, but in the end decided it was too Re Re Ricardo to post.
  • Hey! It’s 2 o’clock! You know what that means…. time for one of our classic Ike Turner Breakdownz! Download some tunes over at Locust St., blast them in your cube, and shove a handful of cake in your bosses face.
  • We love Simon Webbe, and the same goes for his new song “My Soul Pleads for You”. Beauty N’ The Beat has it for your listening/soul pleasure.

Screech Still Milking This Dirty Sanchez Thing

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G4 hit up the red carpet at the AVN Awards to talk to some famous pornstars (like Mary Carey and Tera Patrick), some famous rockstars (like Dave Navarro), and some famous child stars… like the one and only Samuel “Screech” Powers, Dustin Diamond. Screech was apparently at the Adult awards show to pick up the prize for Most Disturbing Sex Tape That’s Impossible To Masturbate To… Even As A Joke (breaking R. Kelly’s streak of taking home that prize 7 years in a row.)

If you’re a former child actor who’s been trying to figure out a way to get people to stop asking you about your past, watch this video. By following Dustin’s lead and talking solely about sex acts like dirty sanchezes and Abraham Lincolns, it’s almost impossible to segue into a conversation about what it was like working with Mario Lopez. I said almost impossible.