A Guide To Recognizing Your Baldwins

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baldwin_exclusive_mugshot.jpgWith Daniel Baldwin out there getting himself arrested for the highest game of Grand Theft Auto anyone has ever played, it is now more important than ever to make sure we all know which of Hollywood’s Baldwin Dynasty we’re dealing with, as to ensure the less criminal brothers avoid suffering any unnecessary disgrace (beyond that which they already bring upon themselves in the course of their day). This handy guide should be printed and kept on your person at all times:

Name: Daniel Baldwin

As Seen In: The Real Deal, Vegas Vamps, Irish Eyes, Prison

Best Known For: His small roles in late-night Cinemax movies, drug problems and constantly disgracing the sacred Baldwin name.

Can Probably Be Found: Tooling around the Valley in a stolen car, flying high on crystal meth, looking for some guy he’s convinced “owes him”.

Fun Fact: Is the only one of the four Baldwin brothers to not receive a Razzie nomination. He did, however, receive bail in the amount of $20,000.

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Wacky Golf Cap Actually Emancipated Head Warmer

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When photos surfaced two days ago of a newly single, carefree Britney Spears skating around Rockefeller Center in a newly purchased Gap v-neck and oddly childish white knit golf cap topped with a pom-pom, everyone marveled at how adorable Britney looked. “She’s back!” we cried, pumping our fists in the air, shredding our angry letters to K-Fed asking him to dial the douche down a crotch.

Last night, while K-Fed was off rapping some fresh beats to the deaf wing of a Children’s Hospital somewhere, Britney was “out on the town” in a little black minidress and… the same, knit white golf cap. Then, this morning, she was (gulp) spotted (cotton mouth) wearing the very same… (dry cough) white knit… (sandthroat) golfcap. Mind you, it’s a balmy 68 degrees in New York today. She’s not wearing the hat to remain anonymous, as clearly she’s the only person ballsy enough to purchase it. So what is it with that hat? Is its innate goofiness just wacky enough to make Britney feel like a kid again? Or is this some sort of security blankyish device to make her feel cozy? Or is it actually hiding a tin-foil yarmulke used to prevent the CIA from reading her thoughts? So many choices.

FedEx Always Delivers

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kfed chicacoconcert.jpgK-Fed performed at Chicago’s House of Blues last night for the low-low price of Free. When he wasn’t revelling in his newly single status or asking ladies if they want to “dance with a pimp”, apparently he was battling with his “fans.” Like this guy from craigslist’s “Rants & Raves” section:

I wore a FedEx shirt and cut out a piece of a big fedex box and brought it in with me. Nice, eh? So Gay-Fed goes on stage and I manage to work my way up through the 400 people or so, to within 5 feet of the stage. The first song is some bulls**t song about sticking the middle finger up…well, I did, along with the FedEx sign. haha, so during the song, mr. fed looks at me and just says “f**k you” ah, I gave it right back to him…

…Soon I was grabbed by the shirt and pulled out of the show. Security explained to me that “Mr. Federline” took a break to talk to them and wanted me removed from the show, it wasnt their (House of Blues) decision but his(Federline).

Read the rest of it here. There’s no way to tell if this Craigslist story is true (just like there’s no way to tell if that girl you’re supposed to meet through “Casual Encounters” will actually be a woman), but we hope it is. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the guy who was thrown out didn’t let the incident impact his feelings about the performance.

“BTW his music f**king blows.”

Fair enough.

Denise Richards Injures 80-Year-Old Woman in Wheelchair

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RICHARDS.JPGFrankly, the above headline is enough to satisfy our gossip palettes til at least dinnertime. But for those professors out there who need “the facts”, here they are. Denise Richards is currently in Canada filming Oscar-hopeful Blonde and Blonder. The actress, best known for her starring role in I Bang Sleazebags Exclusively, noticed two unauthorized paparazzi on set, stormed over to them, and threw their laptops over the balcony of the hotel. This would be a really empowering, kind of kick-ass, “Take Back The Night” story… had the laptops not hit an 80-year-old woman in a wheelchair down below.

The elderly woman wasn’t badly injured — the laptop struck her in the arm — and refused to press charges. The real tragedy of all this? That no one was on hand to capture pictures of Richards in all her post-traumatic-divorcee rage. Can you say Sheen Family Christmas Card?

BWE SPORTS: Oh Mandy Randy

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When one of the NFL’s most bad-ass players (Randy Moss) signed with its most bad-ass franchise (The Oakland Raiders), everybody was pumped. His jersey started showing up in more rap videos than P. Diddy and everybody was excited to see how he’d do in the silver & black. Flash forward to 2006: The Raiders suck and Moss has pretty much disappeared. So how have the Oakland fans voiced their displeasure? Through song, naturally.

That was much, much more elegant than booing. Eagles fans take note. (link via Gorillamask)

Style Seen: VV Brown, We Want This Outfit Very, Very Much

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News: Mariah Carey Shows Off Her Post-Baby Body

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The Office: For True Fans Only

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carrell.JPG(Mini possible spoilers for tonight, but barely.) Fans of The Office, fair warning: Do not miss tonight’s episode. For tonight airs the fateful episode “Branch Closing”, where Jan informs Michael that the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin will cease to exist. (And yes, Steve Carell cries.) This particular plot point was how the first season of the original British version of The Office ended, but thankfully, for the U.S., we have all Fall/Winter/Spring to see our favorite Scranton workers teaming up with the Stamford branch (read: Jim, Andy, etc.) Meaning we can finaaaally see a little Pam-on-Jim action!

Some things to note: Yahoo TV has posted three short clips from tonight’s episode. And also, beginning at midnight in the east and 9 pm Pacific time, NBC.com will air an extended Producer’s Cut of the episode! And producer Greg Daniels will be liveblogging during the 9 pm ET airing, with behind-the-scenes info. Finally, according to this press release, “‘The Office’ is also primetime’s most upscale comedy, with the highest concentration of homes with $100,000-plus incomes and highest median income for its 18-49 audience among network comedies.” So either I need a raise, a monocle, or new friends. Hence if you’re reading this post, true fans, call me!

Leonardo DiCaprio May Direct, Says Clint Eastwood

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