The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Not Anoymous

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lohan12steps.jpgWhether or not you’ve ever personally had a drinking problem, you’re probably aware of the organization known as Alcoholics Anonymous. But what about those people – particularly the rich and famous – whose lives no longer allow for anonymity? Lindsay Lohan is the latest high-profile celebrity to enter into Alcoholics Not Anonymous, and these are the 12 steps she must take to recover her celebrity status:

Step One: Admitting That You Are Powerless Over the Paparazzi – and That Your Public Image Has Become Unmanagable.

Step Two: Came to Believe That a Power Greater Than Our Publicist Could Restore Our Image to Good-Standing.

Step Three: Made a Decision To Turn Our Lives Over to the Will of A Luxury Rehabilitation Facility as We Understand It.

Step Four: Made a Fearless and Searching Inventory of the Pills In Our Purse.

Read more…

ICYMI: Penguin Movies Are Getting So Realistic!!!

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You guys, the latest CGI Penguin movie is real…. scary real. We’re not sure who is producing this little ditty about Lala, a 14-year-old penguin in Japan who goes shopping for his starving family by walking to the local fish market with his dirty, ragged little penguin backpack, but whatever studio is backing this film: Congratulations. We will be first on the ticket line in 2012, the year of its release. Happy Feet can suck it. In other news, I have to go cry tears of laughter for a million years. Bye.

A Perfect Circle More Entertaining Than A Perfect Circle

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When we saw this video of a man drawing a perfect circle on Webjunk.tv, we thought “No big deal. Why has this video already gotten over 2 million hits on YouTube? Who can’t draw a perfect circle on a blackboard like that?” Of course, since we work in a building that doesn’t have a single blackboard, we’re just going to have to assume that we can do this too. Consistently. With our eyes closed. Drunk, even. So whatever.

Alright, fine… I admit that’s pretty cool. I need to go get some chalk and start practicing.

Myspace Profiles of the Insane

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111AmericanIdol.JPGThis week, the new season of American Idol premiered, and if their ratings are any indication, people still love the show. Last night’s episode, which sought to find talent in Seattle only to be slapped across the face with a rainbow trout, delivered some of the worst auditions ever. But perhaps the only thing funnier and more-godawfully-depressing than the auditioners themselves are their Myspace profiles, delusional online profiles of America’s mentally handicapped. The Death by Camera blog has spent waaaay too much time compiling a list of AI Myspace profiles from last night and the first round (not that we’re unappreciative, mind you), and some of the results are Hilario Dawson.

We’d like to focus specifically on Nicholas Zitzmann, aka the Real Life Dwight Schrute. No, it’s scary. They sort of have the same confident dorkiness that’s charming to a point, the same delusional dreams that fill your heart while crushing your soul. Apparently, poor Nick’s coworkers are no less savvy to his potential hilarity than our favorite Office employee, Jim Halpert. For example:

He said that his co-workers had talked him into auditioning even though they’ve never heard him sing a song. Those fine folks obviously realized the limitless entertainment potential of Nicholas Zitzmann.

Kudos, guys. Fine, fine work.

Angelina Dislikes Ryan Seacrest; The Feeling is Myootch

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RYANSEACRESTISSAD.JPGMany were wondering what the deal was with Angelina Jolie on the red carpet at the Golden Globes Monday night. Some claimed she looked strung out, others wondered if there was tension with the husb, many worried she was a couple Lean Pockets shy of passing out. Today, we have an answer: She hates awards shows, and specifically, Ryan Seacrest, (wax figure seen right, looking sad.)

On his morning radio show, Seacrest launched into an Anti-Jolie diatribe:

“I asked her four questions and she didn’t even answer me,” he complained. “I literally stood there and tried to ask a couple of questions. At one point I just kind of let the E! microphone sit in front of her for a second to see if she was going to acknowledge it, and she clearly wanted nothing to do with me or my question or my answer or any of it.”

Seacrest was more forgiving of Jolie’s other half, Brad Pitt, who was standing next to her during the interview and did most of the talking. “Brad was fantastic.”

“Don’t go. Don’t go support your man. Don’t go.”

This sounds like the ideal situation for Seacrest: Charm the mullet right off Brad while Angelina is at home busy hand-feeding her mini-army of children. Because when the man who learned everything he knows from Merv Griffin lets his microphone dangle in front of your face, you best slap a smile on your face ASAP dammit.

While You Were Already So Over The New Season Of American Idol

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  • A newly single Cameron Diaz insists that she’s happy with the direction her life is taking. When reached for comment, a naked Justin Timberlake surrounded by 15 beautiful women said, “What? Who? Uh, yeah… me too.”
  • Eva Mendes is eating excessively to make her breasts bigger. She’s already put herself on a stirctly silicone diet.
  • 80-year-old Hugh Hefner wants another kid. To raise, not to date. We think.
  • Pink was left devastated after discovering her dog, Elvis, had drowned in her swimming pool. She found no solace in the note Elvis left which read “If Pink was owner, you know you’d drown yourself too.”
  • According to an In Touch poll, Charlize Theron has the best legs in Hollywood. And in a related poll, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were all tied for first for The Worst Thing We’ve Seen Between 2 Legs In Hollywood.

TRAILER MIX: Here Is a Movie About Reigniting the Sun

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Before you check out the below trailer for Sunshine (see post title), directed by Danny Boyle of 28 Days Later, we’d like to relate a short story. A story about how a few years back I made the silly mistake of seeing the movie 28 Days Later, about ravenous zombies, in the evening — meaning that by the time the movie ended, the sun had gone down. My friend and I, exiting the theater into the dark streets of New York City, both decided to cab it home out of fear (even though we were making a combined salary of a handful of ramen noodles at the time), spoke on the phone throughout the ride to reassure our safety, and then locked ourselves in our rooms with the lights on out of fear our necks would be devoured by the walking dead.

Below is the trailer for Boyle’s new movie, Sunshine, about people sent to reignite the sun. Let’s just say we won’t be buying any Vitamin D lamps anytime soon.

…OF THE DAY

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  • MOST UNEXPECTED EXPECTED NON-SHOCKING SHOCKER: Lindsay Lohan enters rehab. We’re trying really hard to “respect her privacy”, but truly hope the people in charge know the difference between “water” and “party water”. (TMZ)
  • SEX TAPE: Whenever we read about sex tapes featuring someone engaging in water sports, we always picture something along the lines of “doggystyle on a jetski.” In the case of Paris Hilton‘s bestie Kim Kardashian‘s tape, sounds like it’s otherwise. (DListed)
  • FAVORITE HEADLINE: “How do you solve a problem like Maria Menounos?” The answer: Muzzle. Also, it pains that they sullied the good name of The Sound of Music. (Entertainment Weekly)
  • WORST IDEA: Here’s quick recipe for the worst TV show ever: Celebrities + Improv. Also, sob on your pillows tonight for the future of the very talented Bryan Cranston, i.e. Malcolm in the Middle‘s Dad, slated as a star. (Bracing for hate mail from the Whose Line fan club.) (Variety)
  • STONED VIDEO: If you happen to be a fan of watching two stoned guys trying to remember their lines while getting progessively more stoned, might we suggest the short film Two Dudes? Note that we do not condone smoking pot, drinking beer, or wearing red skull caps. (Youtube, Language NSFW)