ICYMI: Elisha Cuthbert Is Moderately Attractive

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I can’t think of a single relevant reason or excuse to post this video of Elisha Cuthbert from Kontraband. The Girl Next Door came out over 2 1/2 years ago, her newest movie tanked, and every 24 fan on Earth was rooting for her character to inhale some of that toxic gas when it was unleashed in CTU last season. So there’s absolutely no reason whatsoever to post a slightly NSFW compilation video of the hottest scenes from her movies, interviews, and photoshoots. None at all. I’m not going to do it.

Whoops. That was an accident.

Britney’s Inferno

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Britney Spears’ record producer was recently quoted as saying her new album would “take her to the next level”, causing us to assume that he could only be referring to the various levels of her recent purgatorial prison. But as our entire knowledge of Purgatory and the 7 Deadly Sins was gleaned from what we learned by watching Se7en, we brought in a Britney/Dante specialist to create the following diagram of the levels (or “deadly sins”) demonstrating Britney Spears’ “Earthly Paradise”. Roll your cursor over each level for a complete explanation, but we assure you it’s scarier than anything Dante himself could have come up with.

SNL Cast-Offs: New Season Sans Sanz

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Parnell.JPGAll SNL pink-slip speculation can come to a close, as the three cast members cut from the new season have now been made official. The three not returning are (somber and sensitive drumroll please): Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell and Finesse Mitchell. Now, Sanz is a hilarious guy, but is well-known for breaking character mid-sketch — and while some of the sketches certainly needed a boost — once it became predictable, it lost its humor. (Worry not, Sanz still has time to prove himself in movies, next up of which is School for Scoundrels.) And we never really understood Finesse Mitchell… always the same effeminate character and rarely that funny (although the name Finesse seems highly appropriate.)

No, the biggest loss has got to be Parnell, who really used his years on the show to create a great cast of characters and solidify his name as one of the best cast members in the show’s history. (For the record, I felt that way waaay before Lazy Sunday, but it didn’t hurt.) The new season of SNL kicks off this month, and while Variety reports Dane Cook as the host of the season premiere on 9/30, NBC.com has Steve Martin hosting the real premiere this Saturday, September 23, so you can all breathe a sigh of douche-lief. Dane Cook is hosting the premiere after all. (Fancy graphics confuse us.) So… there’s that to look forward to.

After the jump, relive with us one of our favorite Parnell sketches of all time, the Britney Spears Dance Audition.

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ICYMI: Bush Saves

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There is just so much completely f’ed up stuff about this ABC News piece on a “Jesus Camp” where kids speak in tongues, pray to end abortion and worship a picture of George W. Bush, I can’t even bring myself to make a joke about it. Yet another reason why Civilization Is Doomed.

Finger-Lickin’ Racism?

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BEYONCEPOPEYES.JPGTonight, London’s classy Royal Albert Hall will play host to the Music Of Black Origin Awards (“Mobos”), a ceremony that will feature guests such as Beyonce and Coolio (side note: Coolio, we miss you.) But instead of serving up a gourmet three-course meal, as any attendant would naturally expect, organizers are instead serving a poultry meal made of of £3.95 chicken wings and Krispy Kreme donuts. And, realizing that Beyonce is a lady of the highest fast-food order, planners are having Popeye’s Fried Chicken flown in from the U.S., as a polite reminder of what disgusting fat pigs we Americans are. (Also, we feel for the Popeye’s courier assigned to this mission.)

Our initial reaction to this news was surprise… it’s almost so offensive as to be ironic. Much like our good friend Morty Shandelback, whose Bar Mitzvah buffet had a special table where you could grind your own gefilte fish (M&M topping optional.) So, fried chicken at the Mobos is an attempt at irony… right?

The State Is Coming To iTunes!

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thestate.JPGIt’s not everyday we read something on the internet that makes us pump our fist and blurt out an audible “yeah!” Well, that just happened. According to Product Shop NYC, the folks from the Stella mailing list have just announced that The State will finally be coming to iTunes.

After ten years of popular demand, The State is available again! The first season of the critically acclaimed 1993-95 MTV Series will be released on iTunes Music Store, starting Tuesday, September 26th. Depending on how many people download, MTV will release subsequent seasons, and then eventually, hopefully, a DVD.

Can’t wait. For those of you out there who are too young to remember The State, imagine Stella + Wet Hot American Summer + Reno 911 starring the funny guy from I Love The 80′s and BWE’s own David Wain. Get your video iPods ready now.

ICYMI: Clay Aiken Totally Meats Out on GMA

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Why anyone would ever question this guy’s total p*ssy-loving manliness is beyond me. Check out this clip from the Macho-Man’s appearance on Good Morning America’s love letter to him, and hear all about Clay’s pill-enhanced heterosexuality straight from the horse’s Paxil-loving mouth:

Brain Sizzler: Keith Richards Done With Drugs

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KEITHRICHARDS.JPGYou know, as much crap as The Rolling Stones get for being 3,000 year old mystical mummified corpses, we have to hand it to them: They still know the definition of rock star. (Sideward glancing at you, Paul McCartney.) So much so that Keith Richards is finally giving up drugs… not because they’ve effed him up so much that he’s falling out of trees left and right, but rather because these newfangled drugs on the market aren’t as strong or good as they used to be. That’s right: The quality is not up to brain-liquifying par. In fact, after his famous coconut-plucking tumble a few months ago, Richards admits to asking for extra morphine in the hospital, as his dosage wasn’t kicking in.

Well, uh-hellooooo. Making out with Keith Richards would be like licking an 8 1/2 by 11 tab of LSD. The guy is seriously walking in his own matrix of questionable reality, that reality being a living haunted house decoration. But giving up drugs entirely? We scoff. You’re in the Rolling-f**king-Stones, Keithy. Aaaaand you’ve got a hilariously drug-and-accident-addled barbituary to live up to. Now get to it!