We here at BWE were lucky enough to sample the not-yet-released Cocaine in a Can, and wanted to give our opinion on the only legal, liquid alternative to powdered heaven. The drink claims to be 350 times stronger than Red Bull, and lasts for up to 5 hours. Upon first can-cracking, it smells like cherries, and when poured, resembles clown piss. While it has been described as tasting “like a Jolly Rancher”, we had a different take. Our reactions evolved from “Oh God, it burns” to “(hysterical coughing)” to “I can’t… I can’t feel my chest… it’s on fire!” Yes, what the creators of Cocaine in a Can won’t tell you is that its main ingredient is cayenne pepper (or some much cooler “illegal” pepper). 30 minutes later, our mouths are still burning. This is perhaps an attempt to recreate the “drip” we’re told snorting cocaine causes, albeit in a completely opposite fashion.
But what’s a little “my face is exploding” for the inimitable paranoia that comes along with a night of rail-blowing? Translation: Does this crap get you high? Well, let’s see… We’re currently typing at 200 words per minute while constantly checking over our shoulders for celebrities/ex-boyfriends. And our teeth hurt. And, no lie, our chests our still burning. But we’re not looking any skinnier, that’s for def. And our co-worker, who is “sensitive to caffeine”, has a splitting headache. (Note to self: Do not drink cocaine @ work.com)
Keep reading for the verdict!
According to ubiquitous fly-o-the-wall Perez Hilton, Kathy Griffin has broken the news that (friend? fellow d-lister?) Tori Spelling is pregnant, we assume thanks to husband Dean McDermott. While the news isn’t official yet, we happen to peruse some recent photos of Tori, and we definitely notice a unusual belly protuberance from the normally stick-thing Spelling. She’s also been sporting maternity wear, folks. This worries us: Seeing as Tori is out of her billionaire father Aaron Spelling‘s will, how on earth will she afford the Gucci bassinet, chinchilla diapers and the illegal-nanny farm the family has been using for generations? We’re willing to give her $20 for first dibs on the baby pics, and she should be grateful for the offer.
In other baby news, Katie Holmes is laying down the common law with baby daddy Tom Cruise: You wanna ‘nother kid, you bettah put a ring on this finger! Katie refuses to have Tom’s second child until marriage. Right on, Dead-Eyes Watson! It’s never too late to be a lady.
According to our good friends over at TV Squad, The Coreys (those of Feldman and Haim fame, obviously) are back in the saddle and returning to their rightful place on the small screen in a new show for the A&E network entitled The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys. The show apparently “aims to update viewers on just what Corey Haim and Corey Feldman have been up to over the last 20 years”, which leads me to believe it will mostly consist of Blown Away outtakes, Surreal Life re-runs, audio clips of Howard Stern making fun of Feldman, and testimonials from Haim’s various crack dealers. My TiVo is so horny right now.
Look. We’re not condoning that you purchase knock-offs and counterfeit goods. We think it’s tacky and illegal. What do you have to prove, big guy? That you can afford a Rolex Yachtmaster on your Arby’s Drive-Thru salary? And you there, girl, with your fancy expensive bags and Cuban cigars… who are you impressing? Certainly not me. No, I prefer shoes made out of bicycle tires and bags fashioned out of a boot and some twine.
However… if you wanted to go ahead and purchase this highly fashionable contraband, Radar Online puts together an extremely thorough directory of where to go for such fakey items, as well as the quality of each. Who knew you could buy a Ferrari at the cool bargain price of only $27 thou? See you later, college education for my children-ater.
The jokesters over at CRACKED released another one of their “5 Most…” lists yesterday, this one involving “Ridiculous Celebrity Cameos In Japanese Ads”. Buried deep within this bit of comedic whimsy, we found the following nugget of Charles Bronson badassitude, in which the star of Death Wish shills for a mysterious Japanese product known as MAN DOM:
When you think about it, the Falcons were in the ultimate no-win situation on Monday against the Saints. Playing the first game at the Superdome since Hurricane Katrina, Atlanta was handed the despicable task of beating the Saints in a nationally televised broadcast that doubled as the cityâ€™s coming out party. If youâ€™re Michael Vick, is this the night you want to throw for 350 yards and four touchdowns? Didnâ€™t think so. The postgame press conference would have been completely uncomfortable for a winning Falcons team:
Al Michaels: Congratulations on the win, coach. How does it feel to send 75,000 New Orleans residents home completely and utterly disappointed tonight?
Coach Mora: Well, I feel dead inside, Al. Thanks for asking.
Luckily, this awkward situation never came about, as the Saints stomped over the Falcons, 23-3, to improve to 3-0 on the season. Good night for the NFL, and I liked Bonoâ€™s haircut, too. Even with the Falcons loss (and Green Day on stage during the pregame show), it seems like everybody won here.
Onto the three subplots I found particularly enthralling in Week 3 of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Read more…
We can’t decide what we love best about Steve-O: a) his willingness to publicly engage in the most moronically juvenile behavior imaginable with an utter lack of self-respect or awareness, b) his refusal to acknowledge that even the most fickle of his “fans” will one day grow bored of watching him humiliate and torture himself in exchange for their continued attention, c) his complete embodiment of everything wrong with our culture, or d) symbolically defining for us exactly why we are doomed. We’ll just go with “none of the above” and let Little Stevie molest our minds in this video of his arrival to the premiere of what is currently the #1 movie in America:
You can’t say we didn’t predict this: Chevy Chase has been hired by Law & Order to portray a “celebrity who is pulled over for drunk driving while wearing blood-soaked clothes, and whose religious prejudice comes out after his arrest.” Blood-soaked clothes? Was there something that happened during the Mel Gibson arrest that the Malibu sherriff’s office didn’t tell us? Did Mel hit a deer and attempt to resuscitate it or something? Nice twist L&O! Way to take an actual item from the news and throw in an element of surprise to make it yours. We can’t wait for some of the other Law & Order‘s upcoming eps:
- Beefy, ex-TV star makes frantic call reporting daughter’s suicide attempt. Turns out the teenager was lightly scratched by the family cat… only the family cat is a mountain lion.
- A South African alligator hunter is mysteriously killed when he swims directly into the mouth of a whale. Accident… or is it?
- A cultish white movie star marries a fellow-white woman with glass eyes who births a little black baby.
No, that last one is more of a Maury Povich episode… from our dreams. The Mel Gibson/L&O fiasco will air on NBC Friday, November 3, at 10 pm.
Yesterday Stereogum directed us over to this post: A Guide To Sex-Ing Women In Rock. In it, the author who knows two things, “rock & roll and seduction”, talks about bedding some of the hottest women in rock. Though completely fake, it’s fun to read. Our favorite one has to be the piece about Kelly Clarkson.
She plays a song, makes a beeline for me hanging out to the side of the makeshift stage and whispers in my ear her eagerness to get the hell out of there. We leave. She takes me to In & Out. Her treat. After a couple burgers (Animal Style) she takes me to her palatial Hollywood Hills estate. She has me wait on a couch in her oversized entry room while she “takes care of something.” She returns in an opened kimono and asks if I have any questions. I have none. She has her way with me. She’s a “dig in the fingernails” kind of girl, rage apparently leftover from the “Since You’ve been Gone” era.
You know, if they would’ve put that scene in From Justin To Kelly, we might have actually seen it. Maybe.