ICYMI: Leader of the Free World Doesn’t Use E-mail

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This clip from a CNBC interview with President Bush is just priceless. Our Dear Leader says he uses “the Google” sometimes (ever try googling “miserable failure”, W?), and admits to being particularly impressed with the Google Maps satellite technology, which he uses to keep an eye on his ranch in Texas (and is also, presumably, his secret weapon for hunting down Osama and other terrorists), but says he “never uses e-mail” over concerns about what people could be sending him (guess it’s above and beyond the capabilities of the US government to get the President a secure address safe from all those Nigerian Attorneys trying to rid themselves of dubiously aquired fortunes – you know he’d fall for it). While it seems almost laughably absurd that our own president is terrified of a technology my 80 year-old grandmother mastered 5 years ago, at least we don’t have to wory about him “Pulling a Foley”.

SIZZLER: JJ Federline Is Dy-No-Mite!

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JJFed.JPGWell it seems that the CSI (Celebrity Stuff Investigations) experts over at TMZ have finally solved the Britney Spears Baby-Naming Mystery that has been plaguing the tabloids and gossip blogs since reports surfaced last week suggesting that Sean Preston’s new baby bro, whose name was originally reported as “Sutton Pierce”, might not in fact share his sibling’s sunscreen strength-inspired initials. According to the official Birth Documents TMZ obtained through their shadowy network of Public Record Operatives, the Spears-Federline’s newest little cheetoh is actually named Jayden James Federline, and will henceforth be referred to by us only as “JJ” or “J-Fed”, and always succeeded by the popular 70′s sitcom catchphrase, “Dy-no-mite!”

LISTEN UP: It’s Time To Party (And Jog)

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  • For a limited time only (read: until it gets pulled), BiBaBiDi has the 45:33 long LCD Soundsystem track intended to keep you occupied on your next run. Download it and hit the gym, fat ass.
  • Andrew W.K. does his best Ronettes impression on the track “Don’t Call Me Andy” off his new album. Naturally, Fluxblog has the goods.
  • Even better than the RZA track posted on Scissorkick today? Learning that he’s been working with Young Dirty Bastard, ODB’s son.
  • The Cold War Kids cover everybody from Lawrence Welk to Fiona Apple over at My Old Kentucky Blog .
  • And finally, I Rock I Roll posted an mp3 of The Changes covering “Sexyback”. Finally, and indie rock version you’re allowed to love.

PROPPED: MyHeritage Surprisingly Accurate

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TELETUBBS.JPGThe folks over at Say No To Crack ran a little experiment at facial-comparison-website MyHeritage: What celebrities do our favorite cartoon characters/ex-president’s look like? Here’s the good news. Bill Clinton most certainly looks like Bill Clinton. (While we’ve always thought him and Hillary shared an eerie resemblance, she’s nowhere on the list.) Here’s the unsettling stuff: Does Minnie Driver really look like Gollum? And Jenna Elfman might be two shades of cray cray — but we’re having trouble seeing her resemblance to Shrek! Wait… actually, that’s geen. Though nothing can top Tinky-Winky as Lance Bass. Check out the rest of the comparisons here — and thanks to reader anitabath for dropping this! Got something you want to share? Drop It now!

The Slow & Steady Decline Of Mr. James Burke

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According to Life & Style magazine, 20-year-old model James Burke was recently spotted making out with the one and only Courtney Love. Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “who is James Burke and why should I care?” Well, you should care because this boy is in trouble… and he needs our help.

For you see, less than one year ago Mr. Burke was linked to supermodel Kate Moss. Shortly after their fling fizzled out, James moved on from a cocaine-snorting model to a cocaine-snorting actress (allegedly): Lindsay Lohan. Most would agree this was a step in the wrong direction. But still, nobody could of predicted what would come next; a 42-year-old ex-junkie/stripper who goes by the name of Love.

It’s clear that James Burke’s love life is spiraling out of control. From Kate to Lindsay to Courtney– who could possibly come next? Anna Nicole? Natasha Lyonne? Andy Dick? He’s just a child. Somebody needs to stop him before it’s… too late.

GAMES: Office Spaceballs

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vikingmovies1.JPGThis clever viral marketing game for Viking office supplies uses everyday stationery items to recreate memorable scenes and images from classic movies, whose titles you must then try guessing. It’s pretty fun – I got 12 of them right. How much better can you do? Also, share your correct answers in the comments section (so I can stop being so frustrating by not being able to figure out the ones I’m missing).

SIZZLER: The View vs. Law & Order! It’s On!

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This morning on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck related an incident between herself and an executive producer on Law and Order: S.V.U. On last week’s episode, they featured a character named Elizabeth Hassenbeck, who was raped twice and murdered. Hasselbeck phoned the Executive Producer, who she refused to name (though creator Dick Wolf seems the likeliest candidate), and came to blows over whether or not the near exact name usage was mere coincidence, or whether the implications were socially irresponsible on the part of the show. The producer remained defensive and nasty, which prompted a threat on the petite blonde’s behalf to never book any of the L&O actors on The View again. Ohhh… a blacklist! What excellent Tuesday morning melodrama!

Fans of the show already know that the writers tend to base most of their plot lines on actual events in the news, from Britney and K-Fed to the Mel Gibson drunk driving arrest. So it’s pretty obvious that the name similarity is more than just mere coincidence. And while we’re certainly not huge fans of Hasselbeck’s weepy View antics, we’ve gotta side with her here: Law & Order, it’s just not right! Though, if the writers are reading this, we would be honored to have a character named after us raped and killed on the show. (“Bestweekever Mcgillicutty”? Just a thought.)

Read the transcript after the jump, and weigh in: Coincidence? Or Liberal Conspiracy?

Read more…

Can A Bidder Get A Table Dance?

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rodman.JPGDennis Rodman is a World Champion. He’s an actor. He’s a part-time professional wrestler. He’s an author. He’s an occasional cross-dresser, a reality TV star, a ladies’ man, a competitive wife-carrier, and in 2005 he was named Commissioner of the Lingerie Football League. And now, for the low low price of $7,500, he can be your strip club buddy.

That’s right, The Worm is auctioning himself off on eBay. The winner (and two of their closest friends) get to eat dinner with the former NBA Superstar and follow it up with a visit to Rodman’s second home: Scores.

THE NIGHT WILL BE SPENT AT SCORES LAS VEGAS, A GENTELMANS CLUB LOCATED IN THE HEART OF SIN CITY. SCORES IS LAS VEGAS’ ONE STOP SHOP WHERE YOUR FANTASY WILL BECOME REALITY.

A SIT DOWN DINNER WITH DENNIS WILL KICK OFF THE NIGHT AND THEN TO THE VIP SECTION OF SCORES FOR THE DURATION. WILD WOULD NOT GIVE THIS NIGHT ENOUGH CREDIT. PICTURES WILL BE ALLOWED.

Somehow, despite promises of your fantasy becoming a reality and the wildest night of your life, there still haven’t been any bids. Maybe he should throw in a signed copy of Double Team.

While You Were Eating for Two…

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  • Today’s Most Subliminally Homoerotic Headline Goes To: George Clooney Named No. 1 Man’s Man.
  • Never have the movies 28 Days and 28 Days Later been more confusing than when rehab regular Pete Doherty spars with Italian photographers and ends up looking like the walking dead.
  • During a routine marijuana search of Snoop Dogg at a California airport yesterday, police stumbled upon something they’re pretty sure you can’t smoke: a 21-inch collapsable baton. We bet it’s a bong.
  • The red carpet is laid down for the Borat premiere at Mann’s Chinese Theater. It’s so close you can almost smell the B.O.!
  • Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter, is struggling to find a girlfriend because of his fame. Only one more year til he’s legal, ladies!

Christian Finnegan Will Punch You In the Funnybone

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christian_finnegan_two_for_flinching.jpgWhen Christian Finnegan isn’t sitting in front of neon-colored screens and serving up bon mots about Britney’s latest birthing binge, he’s been known to grace stages across the country to perform his hilarious brand of stand-up comedy (how do you think we found him?). But if you don’t live in New York City, a college town or anywhere with a nearby Ha Ha Hole, you’ll be glad to know that Christian’s first full-length comedy CD “Two For Flinching” came out today, now making it easy for anyone anywhere to enjoy the humor of this svelte, beautiful specimen of a man. Dead Frog has a preview of the funny for you, and Christian’s album is now available on Amazon. Buy it or Dane Cook wins.