…OF THE DAY

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  • MUGSHOT: We’ve always looked up to actor Rip Torn as the craggly old drunk of a Grandpa we never really had… and this mugshot only cements our wishes. Look at what a hilarious time this ol’ alcoholic bastard is having! (TMZ.com)
  • FUTURE BASKETBALL TEAM: Project Runway fans will be happy to learn that Laura Bennett gave birth to her FIFTH boy, Finn, Friday morning, joining brothers Peik, Truman, Pierson, Larson, and Oh, God, Are-These-Seriously, Their, Names? Yeesh. (People Magazine)
  • BOTTICELLI GRAVE DESECRATION: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton star in La Primavera, which is Italian for “ladies with-ah the blinding ah-vaginas.” (Gallery of the Absurd)
  • HEADLINE FROM THE PAST: 5 years ago, I would’ve entitled the following article “Laaadies!!! Lance Bass Available for Naked Piggy Back Rides Again!” Today, I’m all: “Laaaadies!!! Lance Bass Has Time Now To Listen To Your Problems & Shop!” (Yahoo News)
  • BIGGEST LET DOWN: Gutenberg the Musical is sooooo much less hilarious than you think. (EW Pop Watch)

DECK THE MALLS: Laughs From Above

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wolflight.JPG[Between now and the end of Kwanzaa, your friends here at BWE.tv will be featuring a series of posts called “Deck The Malls”, in which we will do you the service of sharing the lowdown on a few great gift ideas that can be procured online, thereby saving yourself a nighmarish trip into the miserable bowels of shopping mall hell.]

Everyone loves a good parody book. They’re funny, look excellent on most coffee tables, and make great gifts for the illiterate morons in your life who don’t read, but still want to have a few books lying around, for when chicks come over. And as far as parody books go, they don’t get much better than SkyMaul, a laugh-yourself-retarded collection of fake catalog products satirizing those SkyMall magazines on airplanes that always make you wonder “who buys this crap?” The DUI Mask, Whoreganizer and, our personal favorite, the Hitler-Turning-Into-Werewolf Nightlight. The book, which was written by sketch comedy group Kasper Hauser, can be purchased on Amazon for as little as ten bucks.

Check It Out: Listen to the Dreamgirls Soundtrack!

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Dreamgirls2.JPGFor those of you who just can’t wait until Christmas Day when Dreamgirls finally opens, AOL Music is holding a “Listening Party” and streaming the entire soundtrack! Part of us encourages you to stay strong until Dec. 25 in order to experience Dreamgirls for the first time in the theater… Some of the songs sound incredibly cheesy without the aid of the visuals.

Then again, for those of you familiar with the musical and curious to hear how Jennifer Hudson stacks up against Beyonce, or wondering if Eddie Murphy’s vocal chops have improved since his last album, now’s the perfect time to polish your gavels and give your judging arm a good workout. So, if you’re man enough to give this soundtrack a listen, definitely let us know what your first impressions are!

SIZZLER: Celebrities Continue Making M.A.D.D. Mad

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Daily Douche - laneg.jpgHere are six reasons Prison Break’s Lane Garrison, should be put into a prison he can’t break out of. Last Saturday night he was 1) probably driving drunk in his 2) SUV full of 3) high school kids as young as 15 when he 4) lost control and hit a tree, resulting in 5) the loss of one life and 6) critically injuring two others. How about one of those “Scared Straight” prison reality shows where some big bald homocidal rapist named Lunchbox redefines the kid’s understanding of the word “Hyde”.

Fake Wii Ad More Effective Than Real Wii Ads

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I’ve been having trouble trying to choose between getting a PS3 or Nintendo Wii. This Mac parody ad has made my decision a whole lot easier. Not because it’s particular funny or anything, but because damn… that Wii is hot.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Regis’ Yankee Panky

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After years of playing professional ball, Derek Jeter must be used to having women throw themselves at him. But how about 75-year-old male talk show hosts? Today on Regis & Kelly, Regis just couldn’t stop himself from flirting with the Yankee captain. Kind of makes us wonder which team he’s rooting for…

Hey, we don’t blame Regis. The guy’s a stud.

Stephen Hawking Might Be Too Smart To Appear On A Dumb Reality TV Show

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stephen hawking.jpgWorld renowned physicist Stephen Hawking has accomplished a lot during his 64 years on this planet. Despite being a rendered a quadriplegic at a young age, he wrote a best-selling book, was elected a Fellow of the Royal Society, and created theorems that provided a set of sufficient conditions for the existence of a singularity in space-time. However, there’s one thing that’s missing from Mr. Hawking’s otherwise impressive porfolio: Reality TV Star. Well, maybe not for long..

SCIENCE genius Stephen Hawking has been invited on to the next series of Celebrity Big Brother.

The wheelchair-bound professor, 64, has been offered a “substantial fee”, according to a pal.

The friend said: “When Stephen heard, a big grin spread across his face. He thought it was very funny.” [keep reading]

Alright, so he’s probably not going to do it… but we can dream. How great would it be to see Stephen causing trouble in the Big Brother house? Imagine the wheelchair-bound scientist usetting some C-List celebrity who then turns to him and says, “Um, excuse me? What did you just say? I know you didn’t just blink that!”

C’mon Stephen… do it. For science. Please?

Fake Liveblogging the Jessica Simpson Breakdown!

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JESSDAD.JPGWe weren’t invited to the Kennedy Center Honors that took place in Washington D.C. this weekend, but if we had been, we imagine our liveblogging would have gone something like this:

6:15 PM: Here we are at the Red Carpet Arrivals for the Kennedy Center Honors! This is one of the classiest nights in town, a night full of glitz, glamour, class, and top notch performances. Oh, there’s Jessica Simpson! Wow, she looks fantastic…

6:16: And look! She’s creepily hugging her dad/celebrity manager, Joe Simpson. Looks like that reality show is definitely paying his food bills, no?

6:22: Still hugging her dad… it’s getting weird.

6:26: Aaaaaaaand they’re done.

8:15: The audience begins to applued the next honoree, Dolly Parton. And as a thank you for her many decades of hard work, dedication, success and talent, the announcer welcomes to the stage Jessica Simpson, that blonde girl who thought there were chickens in the ocean.

8:16: Jessica starts singing Nine to Five, Dolly’s hit song. The irony that she hasn’t ever worked a real day job is not lost on us. But, ya know? So far, it’s not really that bad! Feet are tapping all around us.

8:17: Uh oh… she’s flubbing the lines juuuuust a bit.

8:18: OK, she’s… she’s cracking….

Read more…

LISTEN UP: Merry Christmas, Dorkos!

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  • Well, it’s almost 2007, which means we can look forward to nearly 27 more days of Best of 06 lists. Cable & Tweed puts together a nice one featuring The Decemberists, Cold War Kids, and Beirut. Burn it to CD and look way cooler than you actually are on Christmas morning.
  • Speaking of the yule, Fiona Apple singing “Frosty the Snowman”? Combine this with Daddy’s Xmas alcohol breath and stocking coals, celebrate my childhood Christmas over at Indie Blog Heaven.
  • Or you can make your coworker’s crack-up/feel sorry for you by blasting R2-D2 and C3PO‘s version of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” in your cubicle, courtesy of Gentle Tyrants.
  • The mystery of “Who Shot the Sheriff?” grows more complicated, as the Phish & Chips band links to TWELVE covers of our favorite cop-killing-confessional-ballad. (Sorry, Ice-T)
  • And what’s better than an interview with Ben Kweller? How bout an interview with Ben Kweller along with four fantastic songs? Check both out over at Culture Bully.