The Creepiest F**king Thing We Have Ever Seen

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Ah-Guh. We would love to meet the maniacal wax-worker at Madame Tussauds Las Vegas responsible for hand-crafting the following wax figure of Ryan Seacrest, so that we could grab his hand in ours, a rubber mallet in the other, and mangle the ever-living God out of it Casino-style. Because the hands responsible for creating the following wax dummy of Ryan Seacrest must be stopped:

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Though the added detail of the fake tan is a nice touch. And even in wax, Simon Cowell and Ryan’s sexual tension is palpable.

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CAPTION THIS! (Wo)Man In The Mirror

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Nicole Richie works on new hairstyle to distract the public from whatever stupid thing she decides to do next.

Your turn. Leave your captions in the comments now. And for more pics of Nicole’s beauty salon trip, click here.

UPDATE: Dane Cook’s Publicist Responds (Sorta)!

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tourgasmsndtrk.jpgIn a moment of supreme Alanis Morissette-esque irony, I received a Dane Cook promotional email from Special Ops Media only moments after posting my MySpace correspondance with Dane earlier today. Apparently, his publicity folks would like me to “review/preview” the Soundrack From Dane Cook’s Tourgasm, which features tracks including (I swear to God):

  • “Ball Sack”
  • “Fart King”
  • “Brokebutt Mountain
  • “F**king Turtle”

    When it comes to “reviewing” this soundtrack, or Dane’s talent as a comedian, those song titles pretty much speak for themselves. The full tracklisting/press release can be found after the jump.

    Read more…

    K-Fed’s Star Continues to Rise!

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    012KFED.JPGIn the past few months since Britney Spears‘ divorce, we’ve seen the girl drink, throw-up, flash her vag, drink, flash, pat her baby’s head, spew chunks, and show us where babies are made. But possibly the most disturbing part of the whole affair was that hubby Kevin Federline was nowhere to be seen. And, as a result, quickly became a hero and fantastic father in the eyes of many Americans. And judging by this photo, he smells fantastic.

    Well, folks, prepare to love the guy even more after Superbowl Sunday, when he debuts in a commercial as a fast-food worker. Fine, so the ad isn’t for McDonald’s, it’s for Nationwide, but still. According to USA Today:

    Britney Spears’ estranged hubby Kevin Federline will be dreaming of a show-biz career — while actually working at a rundown fast-food joint.

    “I felt that it was a good time to come out and make fun of myself,” says Federline, 28, from the ad shoot in Hollywood.

    The video will be available on the Nationwide website January 29, a week before game day. Well, we have to give Britney Spears credit for something: While she may have a penchant for dating white men with cornrows, at least they tend to have a good sense of humor about themselves.

    Paris Hilton: More Expensive Than The Other Working Girls

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    parishilton.jpgIt seems like just yesterday all you needed to spend a night with Paris Hilton was a rich dad, some good drugs or a development deal at FOX. But thanks to inflation (both the economy’s and her ego’s), it’s gotten a whole lot more expensive. Like $1 million more expensive.

    Hotel heiress Paris Hilton is ditching her night club parties for a glamorous appointment at the Vienna Opera Ball next month. The 25-year-old has been invited to the traditional event as the guest of Viennese socialite Richard Lugner, 74, and has reportedly been paid a staggering $1 million for the appearance.

    It’s just like Pretty Woman… but with a much bigger whore.

    If you can stomach it, read more about it here. If you can’t stomach it… join the club.

    ICYMI: Dylan Is the Worst Songwriter of Our Time

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    Of course you know that Bob Dylan is the songwriting genius behind rock classics spanning more than four decades. But did you know that he’s ALSO responsible for top 40 pop gems such as “My Humps”, “Baby Got Back”, and (shudders) “Bad Day”? My BWE co-hort Bob Castrone and his gang of hilarity hooligans in The Post Show make their Dylanesque debut on the new comedy site SuperDeluxe. Skeet skeet!

    LISTEN UP: Clap Your Hands and THX 4 The Add

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    • Clap Your Hands Say Yeah is streaming their new album, Some Loud Thunder, on their Myspace page. Memorize the words and become the coolest kid in your Freshman Comp Lit class.
    • Is Welcome the New Deerhoof? Because if not, we would like to start a band called “Is Welcome the New Deerhoof.” Sounds catchy. Anyway, check out two tracks from this new Seattle band over at Idolator.
    • Techno fans, let me hear you robot scream! MSTRKRFT will be touring with John Digweed in March. You can check out MSTRKRFT’s remix of The Kills over at Hate Something Beautiful.
    • Think Ewan McGregor could pull off Kurt Cobain? Earvolution has the scoop, though we’d like to add that only Ewan could bring the solace needed to portray the man, the music, and the bleakest day of 8th grade history for us.
    • Sessions of Breakfast describes North Ireland band The Clone Quartet as “spiky but very tasty music with vocals to fit.” We’re not sure what it means, but Jesus, we’re starving.

    The Michael Showalter Showalter

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    mshowalterzj3.jpgIt’s not often that the name of a show or a movie wins your heart immediately. Besides Snakes On A Plane, The Littlest Groom and Homeboys From Outer Space, there haven’t been all too many appropriately titled shows over the past few years. And that’s why we’re excited for The Michael Showalter Showalter.

    Watch the hilarious Michael Showalter interview the potentially even-more hilarious Zach Galifianakis here. It’s a shame all talk shows can’t be this good.

    Link via The Apiary

    EXCLUSIVE: Dane Cook Is My MySpace Pen Pal!

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    When Dane Cook first became famous, the press couldn’t stop talking about this “hip and edgy” new comedian and his innovative strategy of using MySpace as a publicity tool to promote his career and albums. But it would now seem that Captain Cool is utilizing the popular networking site as a medium to humorlessly defend himself against those bloggers and/or media professionals who dare question his creative legitimacy. Having only written about the guy a handful of times, I was surprised to find the following message from The Official Dane Cook MySpace Page in my personal inbox Last Saturday morning:

    why all the cynical bullsh*t?

    Once I finally emerged from the existential void this query had plunged me into, I gathered my wits and responded sincerely:

    i’m going to assume this is either dane or someone who works very close to him, so i have to wonder, why would you even begin to give a sh*t about the remarks i might make? aren’t you chin-deep in all that “jumping around on stage grabbing your balls to comedic effect” money? are your feelings seriously hurt by the fact I think you’re a joke-stealing jerk-off? do tell.

    Not the most diplomatic response, but whatever, it was early, I hadn’t had any coffee, and I’m dealing with a comic whose “A-list” material includes an anecdote about flicking cashews into his mouth with his “hog”. Still, I was more than a little surprised when his 8-paragraph response showed up in my inbox later that very evening. Read the whole beautiful thing after the jump:

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