RIP: Passions, 1999-2007

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It is with a heavy heart today for us to report that NBC has pulled the plug on Passions, the most psychotic, non-sensical, creepy but huggable soap opera of our time. The reason for the cancellation? They’re adding an extra hour to the Today show. Well, that is fantastic. Just what we need. An extra hour of the ghost of Meredith Viera forcing Matt Lauer‘s laughter. Hurrah! Hurrah. So what will the world be missing without its Passions? How about a six month old Brokeback Mountain parody? Passions, 1999-2007.

AD WIZARDS: The Orville Redenbacher Popcorn Zombie Scares the Everliving F*ck Out Of Us

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Kudos to the ad wizards responsible for turning a popcorn commercial into a sci-fi zombie freakfest by reanimating the dead corpse of grandfatherly popcorn popper Orville Redenbacher to post-humously pitch his microwavable snack (while inexplicably jamming on an iPod) in this commercial, which you might have caught during Tuesday night’s Golden Globes. His dead-eyes and lifeless expressions send chills down my spine and has severely affected my ability to sleep without waking up in terror of a flesh-eating bow-tied zombie monster standing over my bed with a bowl of buttery popcorn.

ICYMI: Anal Love

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Monday night I opted to watch Los Angeles get decimated by a nuclear bomb on 24 instead of watching Hollywood’s finest get decimated by Joan Rivers’ one-liners at the Golden Globes. I didn’t regret my decision until I saw this clip of Sacha Baron-Cohen thanking his co-star’s ass during his acceptance speech. He’s not the first person to thank a complete ass at an award show… but dammit, he’s the funniest.

And yes, I titled this post “anal love” solely to upset the perverts who will end up here via Google.

SIZZLER: Out Of Ideas For Improving Her Image, Has Britney Gotten Herself Pregnant Again?

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britpreggersagain.jpgAccording to The Scoop, sources close to Britney Spears are speculating that the beleaguered pop singer might be pregnant again. Already the abentee parent of two children with backup dancing failed rapper media clown Kevin Federline, Britney has spent the months following her highly publicized divorce flashing beav, passing out in nightclubs and cavorting around with various Federlinesque model/rapper/actor/whatever white dudes who look like they should be working at a Foot Locker. But what better way to repair her polluted reputation in the eye of the press than bringing another life into the world, perhaps one who’s not even sure which wifebeater-wearing Vanilla Ice wannabe is its father – and is likely braindamaged due to its mother’s constantly mainlining Smirnoff Ice mixed with Red Bull? Yes, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, the third neglected child is the charm, and our little princess is finally on the fast track back to the top! And that’s the way they all became the Britney Bunch…

SIZZLER: Diaz v. Timberlake, The Public Fighting Begins

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TIMBERLAKE2.JPGWe were overjoyed to learn that the recently broken-up Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake were both at the Golden Globe Awards Monday night, and even moreso when we saw that Diaz was dressed up like Geena Davis as the bride in Beetlejuice. However, a report in the Post this morning about Diaz’s behavior at the post-Globe parties has flipped our switch from “Celebrity” to “Oh, Right, They’re Real People with Feelings and Emotions”, i.e. has made us feel uncomfortable.

Turns out, the two tried their best to avoid each other, but with Diaz slyly following Justin to his various soirees, you can imagine this became difficult. Well, the ess hit the eff when Cameron caught her ex-man flirting with the very girl who brought SexyBack, Jessica Biel, and lost it on the poor girl. People Magazine goes on to say the two had a 40-minute spat that included Timberlake transposing Diaz’s face onto a cabinet door and then slamming his fist into it.

But honestly: How the hell is Justin gonna score with the Hollywood elite when he’s got a cupcake-inspired hellion hot on his tails? Though, from a humorous gossip blogging perspective, this could be Hilario Dawson, watching her have multiple public breakdowns instead of doing the what she should be: Lightly sanding her face, learning how to read, and taking advantage of that new Match.com guarantee.

While You Were Placing Bets On The Next American Idol

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  • Shanna Moakler has slammed reports that she’s reconciled with Travis Barker. She’s just slammed Travis Barker– there’s a difference.
  • Jennifer Aniston is rumored to be interested in adopting a baby. Though it’s unclear which one of Brad and Angelina’s kids she has her eye on.
  • Katherine Heigl isn’t happy that Isiah Washington used a homophobic slur to insult a co-star last year. She felt he should’ve gone with a racist one instead.
  • Rachel Ray’s daytime talk show has been renewed through 2010. No joke here, we just wanted to warn you. You’re going to have to deal with it.
  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have moved their family to New Orleans to get away from the paparazzi. In a related story, the paparazzi have coincidentally also moved to New Orleans. Small world.

Best Night Ever for Tuesday, January 16th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, January 16th! Alan Noah is here to walk you through the best moments of Tuesday night TV, including: Dirt, The Real Housewives of Orange County, Golden Globe Awards Fashion Police and thankfully a new season of American Idol!

…OF THE DAY

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  • THE BEGINNING OF A HILARIOUS JOKE: So, Jennifer Lopez, Posh Spice, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in a car. Tom is sitting on Katie’s lap, and Posh is making out with the driver. All of a sudden, J-Lo exclaims “What the f*ck am I doing here?”, jumps out of the moving vehicle, and is saved by the cushion of thetans surrounding her body. The end. (ONTD)

  • PREVIEW CLIPS: Yahoo TV has some hilarious preview clips up for The Office on Thursday. Here’s a hint: Oscar returns! Uh-finally. (Officetally)
  • TOOT TOOT, MONSIGNOR COMING THROUGH: Looks like Donatella Versace has jumped aboard our Father Georg Gaenswein train, basing her new collection on the clergy. We can’t wait to see hot gay priest models, ya’ll. (Times UK)
  • WALK OF SHAME: Donald Trump was honored with a star on the Walk of Fame. Check out the photos to define the word “tight-lipped smile”. (Just Jared, though we prefer this one.)
  • JUST BECAUSE WE WANT TO: “I love gay. I wanted to be gay. Please let me be gay.” — “Grey’s Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington. (Access Hollywood)

ZARF BAG: He Is So Quick On His Feet!

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There were many, many funny Zarf clips to choose from today, but we always like it when he-she evades those out to capture him. It gives actor Jeffrey Carlson the opportunity to show off those Juilliard dance moves he so rarely gets to use. And — spoiler alert — if you’re wondering “what’s in the vials”… hint: It rhymes with “we’re obsessed-rogen.”

What’s Wrong With This Picture: Piven It Up

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Above, a photo of Jeremy Piven and “Guest”. What’s Wrong With This Picture:
1. Who is that blonde woman, and in what ditch did she shove Jeremy Piven’s mother?
2. That’s no guest, that’s Melrose from America’s Next Top Model.
3. What the hell is Jeremy Piven doing with Melrose? And really, people, who is winning here?
4. I mean, on the one hand, Piven’s a tiny little guy and the captain of the his own smarmy, but then again, she’s just a reality show contestant — and not even the winner. Though, full disclozhe, it was a modeling reality show
5. Speaking of which, is Piven in heels? Because we clearly recall passing him on a New York street (dressed in a Che Guevara hat no less) and he barely came up to our bellybutton implant scar. In the meantown, Melrose and him are the same height. I call lifts.
6. Does he have any idea how annoying and insane this woman is?
7. They were seen making out all night.
8. They deserve each other.
9. All of the above.