While You Were Looking For Black Market Trans Fat

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  • Even though she has the full support of pornographers, Britney Spears’ competence as a mother has once again fallen under scrutiny by LA Child Services, who want to make sure the pop singer’s two children are being properly taken care of. In a related story, Brit’s new pal Paris Hilton says she would like children of her own – very soon. Uh-oh.
  • On the bright side, after a year’s worth of meltdowns and poor decisions and vaginal exposures, Britney is back on top of the charts…of Yahoo’s most searched terms.
  • Donald Trump is still gracelessly defending himself against twenty year-old satirical claims that he has nubby fingers, insisting, “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” The guy has a point – just look at his hair. Stunning.
  • With this week’s release of The Break-Up on DVD, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn’s publicists would like to remind you that the couple is still broken up, as they have been for months now.
  • Scarlett Johansson says she’s ready to do a nude scene. Coincidentally, I am ready to watch Scarlett Johansson in a nude scene.

…OF THE DAY

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  • SIMPLE EXPLANATION: We knew there was something… different about Jude Law lately, but we just assumed it was his $2 combover. (YTMND)
  • HIS RAPPER NAME IS 2-SOON: Andy Dick sees if the “N”-word is funny again, finds out it isn’t. (Defamer)
  • ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN RELATIONSHIP LITERALLY NOBODY CARES ABOUT/CAN FOLLOW: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn to remake The Break-Up privately and in real life. (Page Six)
  • TONIGHT, AFTER WHILE JUDEN WERE OUT: We can’t wait to see Trading Barracks on TLC… Paige Davis looks completely at ease! (Yahoo News)
  • PAYBACK: If I had to listen to my mother read to me over the phone the entire article about that woman whose farts nearly brought down an airplane, then you have to read it too. (WBIR.com)
  • SWEET OR HILARIOUS?: President Bush breaks down and sobs while talking about Jeb. Fine, it’s the older one, but a must see. (CNN)

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Injured? Bad Actor? Call Jacoby & Meyers

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It took me a dozen viewings, but I think I finally figured out why this video is so funny. It’s not the lady who slips in the grocery store and it’s not the obviously fake construction worker dummy falling off a ladder. No. It’s the boy in the hospital bed in a cast. A cast that’s tied to a coat hanger that’s dangling from the ceiling. Yeah. That’s it. Call Jacoby & Meyers – they spare no expense.

ICYMI: Being An Illegal Alien Is Wiggity Wack, Yo!

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Excuse the grainy home video footage, but we have finally located the only two rappers in the world who are actually worse than Kevin Federline. In what clearly has to be a part of our government’s reinvigorated immigration reform initiative, a couple of Immigration and Naturalization Services Agents use some fresh beats to bust out the 411 on how to find a better life in the US, without getting yourselves reported. If there’s one thing the swarthy heathens understand, it’s dope rhymes!

Hey Kids! Merry Christmaa-AOhhh My God!

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ScaryClaus.JPGSanta Claus is a really endearing character. A chubby old man, red cheeks, fluffy white beard, red suit — animate that fat bastard right into our hearts! There is something slightly askew, however, about Mall Santas. Because underneath the layers of fat and felt is a failed middle-aged actor with a drinking problem getting paid to have children sit on his lap. Which is why this hilari-fying gallery of small children who are scared of Santa Claus hits so close to home. On one hand, it’s adorable… and on the other hand, memories of your own childhood nightmares will shoot straight into your rods, with your cones running for cover. Hey, at least Rip Torn has something he can fall back on! (via Boing Boing)

CAPTION THIS: Goldencuffs

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Are the golden handcuffs hanging from Lindsay Lohan’s rearview mirror just another kinky sex toy, or are they actually a metaphorical cry for help, representing Lohan’s burning desire to be emancipated from her gilded prison of partying and humiliation? You be the judge!

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Christian Finnegan Talks Politics, Tree People

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finnegan.JPGMuch like Christian Finnegan, we’re not exactly sure we know what the interim U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations does. However, we have to agree with what Christian wrote in his latest Tower of Hubris blog entry: John Bolton is the goofiest looking human being to ever hold high office.

Take a look at that guy and tell he shouldn’t be living inside a tree. I mean, there are offices higher than Ambassador to the U.N. and there are probably people goofier looking than John Bolton. But to be that goofy and that powerful? Well, you really have to tip your hat. This dude is an inspiration–no longer will aesthetically challenged children be forced to say, “Gee, I’d really love to represent my country at the United Nations one day…but man, I’m just f**king goofy looking!”

Continue reading to see Christian’s list of goofy people who could replace Bolton. We agree with the second one from the top, mainly due to his previous experience as the leader of an Arab village (and his feud with Hulk Hogan.)

TRAILER MIX: David Lynch’s New Film Continues Exploration of Confusing Imagery, Batsh*t Insanity

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As much as we love Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks, Mulholland Drive and most of director David Lynch’s other work, there’s no denying the fact that we don’t really understand any of these films. Sure, we have our moments of elevated consciousness in which we think we’ve figured out what all the keys and midgets and monsters are supposed to represent, but we inevitably forget the meaning of these things as soon as we sober up – or watch the movie again. Lynch’s new film, Inland Empire, seems to promise more of the same – here’s hoping for another hot lesbian scene.

LISTEN UP: We Are Obliged to Mary J. and Bad Puns

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  • Celebrate Billboard Music Award sweeper Mary J. Blige today by throwing your capezios on and letting loose to some remixes over at the Dreams of Horses blog.
  • Is Alice Smith the next big thing in R&B and beyond? Music is Art thinks so, and we kind of agree.
  • We weren’t even sure if we wanted to promote a band whose name is I Am The World Trade Center, but we really thought you should know that there’s a band out there with that name. You can hear their latest track at Your Standard Life.
  • Another Christmas Playlist at Faster Horses, Younger Women! And it includes South Park‘s Merry F***ing Christmas! Meaning it’s awesome.
  • And pay your respects to another angel, Elliott Smith, by listening to some rare live tracks at Paper Covers Rock.