Golden Globes Predictions (That Actually Matter)

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goldglobe12.jpgIf you’re reading this blog, chances are you have at least a passing interest in tonight’s big Hollywood back-scratching orgy otherwise known as The Golden Globes (don’t forget to make catty comments along with our own Michelle Collins, who will be live-blogging all night). It’s the entertainment industry’s big chance to bestow Academy Award consolation prizes upon the money-making stars not yet ready for their Oscar, and simultaneously shine some more publicity onto their product in an Awards Show that doesn’t really matter (though the Oscars don’t really matter anymore either). Anyway, as who wins what will likely be forgotten by lunchtime tomorrow, we’re going to skip predicting tonight’s future shiny statuette owners, and instead focus our speculation on the only thing that makes the show worth watching: the silly and stereotypical things that will probably happen. Congratulations to all the winners, losers and those of you who are both.

Best Awkward and/or Inappropriate Red Carpet Moment: A tough call this year as Joan Rivers’ long-running supremacy of mind-blowing absurdity has been waning on account of her old age (she actually seems to become LESS senile with each passing year) and Isaac Mizrahi’s committment to unparalleled flaming flamboyance. The smart money is on Isaac trying outdo his own molestation of Scarlett Johansson, but who knows whether some hungry rookie from E! might make a bizarre grab for the honors?

Best Visible Annoyance By An Actor On the Red Carpet: Will undoubtedly be Sascha Baron Cohen, forced to listen to yet another “Niiiiiice” Borat impression, this time by Billy Bush or somebody.
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UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Freak At The Freak

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We’ve been careful when talking about our favorite daytime soap opera character Zarf. Since we’re sensitive towards the transgendered, the emotionally confused and the bad actors of the world, we didn’t want to come right out and call Zarf a “freak.” But now, after watching this clip and hearing her say it, I think it’s okay. Let the freaks fly. Freak.

ICYMI: ‘Black Hussein Osama’ Also A Sex Offender?

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Wonkette brings us the latest incident in the increasingly frequent “Barack Obama ‘mistakenly’ associated with evil on TV” phenomenon. Last time it was the obvious “Obama/Osama” blunder, but this time a local Fox News affiliate pulls something even more brazen: slipping the presidential hopeful’s picture into a story on a…wait for it…sex offender! Be sure to pay close attention to the news leading up to the ’08 elections, as you will surely learn more questionable Obama trivia such as his pre-birth support of the Nazi party, hand in American slavery and key role in the crucifixion of Jesus.

Anna Nicole Considering Future Marketing Opportunities For Her Little Bundle Of Joy Profit

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ANSgross2.jpgMan, keeping up with The Days Of Anna Nicole Smith’s Lives is sort of like watching the saddest E! True Hollywood Story ever, as it’s actually happening, helpless to do or say anything about the shameful display unfolding before you. Anna Nicole’s latest assault on our essential faith in humanity comes from The Scoop, who is reporting that she and her evil lawyer/husband/sidekick Howard K. Stern are peddling pictures of her infant daughter – who the courts have yet to determine the actual father of – to the highest-bidding tabloids in an attempt to purchase a home in the Bahamas, where people are apparently less apt to judge those who cynically use their children as currency. Larry Birkhead, the tabloid photographer (in itself an irony I’ve never quite been able to fathom) who claims to be child’s actual father is, as usual, outraged and disgusted. This story – which I somehow feel like I’ve read before – once again reaffirms my long-held belief that since we’re so clearly obsessed with seeing the innocent offspring of the famous (or in this case, the famously grotesque), the time is RIPE for a new Hollywood sub-industry of high-powered celebrity baby picture brokers. Within ten years, the town is sure to be crawling with sleazy agents like Ari from Entourage, doing lucrative deals with FetUs Weekly, a Sidekick in one hand and a blankie in the other.

Jack Bauer Ate A Man: 24 Things You Need To Know About The New Season of 24

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jack bauer.jpg1. I’m going to begin this post with the words “Spoiler Alert.” Even though the 2 episodes I’m basing everything on aired last night and I’m only technically “spoiling” it for the people too “busy” to watch it with the rest of the world. This will be your only warning.
2. Jack Bauer eats people now. More on that in just a bit.
3. After being tortured by the Chinese for two years and not speaking a single word, the first thing that Jack uttered to Bill Buchanan was the name of his ex-girlfriend, Audrey. Buchanan didn’t have the heart to inform Jack that Audrey left to go do The Nine, which was cancelled almost immediately.
4. Jack’s Unabomber beard sadly only lasted 3 minutes in the U.S. Authorities made him shave it and put on a nice button up shirt before he was sacrificed to the terrorists, presumably because they didn’t want to murder anybody who was so homeless-y looking.
5. After running on the “You guys liked my dead brother, vote for me!” card, Wayne Palmer was elected President. Obtaining this power has affected his ability to speak any louder than a whisper.

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LISTEN UP: Yes, Samuel L. Jackson Sings

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  • Pitchfork’s new mp3 blog Forkast gets their hands on a catchy Samuel L. Jackson ditty from the upcoming Black Snake Moan. The NSFW is implied, m*th*f**k*.
  • For those who actually want music music, they also have an exclusive track from the upcoming Ted Leo album.
  • Fans of the song “Waterloo Sunset” should thank the Grant Manship blog, as they’ve posted a cover of the song by the Islands, as well as David Bowie performing it live.
  • Any band that can “Abba-ize” a song is a band we love. Check out Bjorn Again covering Erasure over at Fluxblog.
  • Idolator posts some tracks from the very catchy British import Charlotte Hatherly. For real, we just put her on our Ipods.

BRAFF BEAT: Zach Still Sad, An Outsider, Preparing For Inevitable Foray Into “Hipster Becomes A Dad” Realm

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zach_braffers2.jpgAccording to People, in the latest edition of the underground indie alt punk zine Parade, angst-ridden filmmaker Zach Braff opines on his vague feelings of sadness, being an “outsider” in Hollywood who has no famous friends and only wears sweatpants, and the next chapter in his “pseudo-hipster guy handles inescapability of adulthood like a whiny baby” oeuvre:

“I think I suffer from some mild depression…So to have millions of people go, ‘I watched your movie and related’ was the ultimate affirmation that I’m not a freak.”

Braff, 31, who wrote and directed Garden State, says that he stands out in Hollywood – and he doesn’t mind. “I don’t have any famous friends other than the guys I work with on Scrubs, he says. “I don’t care about image and all that nonsense. I’m in sweat pants every day. I don’t play the game at all.”

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“If I’m going to have kids, how will that change things? I like to think that all of the introspection leads to something really funny.”

If Zach ever manages to pull himself out of that black hole of melancholy he’s currently stuck in, it sounds like he might treat us to a Pursuit of Happyness sequel in which a thirtysomething indie dude finds out he’s the father of an 8 year-old and must learn to grow up together, an internal journey told mostly through slow-motion camera dollies into Braff’s uncertainty-stricken face, all so perfectly underscored by meaningful sounds of The Decemberists’ latest album. I’m not even joking.

HOT, NOT OR DEAD: Steven Tyler

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Let’s play a round of “Hot, Not or Dead”, where you, our readers, decide if a celebrity is hot, not or, actually, dead. Today’s contestant: Steven Tyler. So, folks, is he hot, not, or dead?

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For the record, that’s not his daughter. Via TMZ.

TRAILER MIX: Like The Cutting Edge, Except Not So Gay

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Here’s the trailer for Blades of Glory, the new figure skating comedy starring Will Ferrell and that guy who played Napoleon Dynamite and I can’t believe still gets acting work. Like most Ferrell movies, this looks like it’s either going to be tear-your-face-off hilarity or an incoherent series of gags involving Will running around in his underwear and screaming. I’m leaning towards the former, but take a look and tell us what you think!

Liveblogging the Golden Globes!

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GOLDENGLOBES.jpgFor those people planning on toasting a box of Pop Tarts while doing shots of vanilla vodka, plopping down on your couch, and watching the Golden Globe Awards alone tonight, take heart: I bought a brand new gown (of the flannel, butt-flapped variety), borrowed some jewelry (my roommates harmony ball), and will be liveblogging the Golden Globe Awards all night long. (or until 11 pm when they end.)

Here’s to hoping that the audience is completely sh*t-faced (they usually are) so that my job gets a little bit easier. And get this! Arnold Schwarzenegger is presenting an award! Five bucks says he holds the trophy up to his head, telling the crowd “It’s naht a tumah!” (Let me know where I can Paypal you.) Join BestWeekEver.tv tonight at 8 pm for non-stop commentary and, likely, outrage. It’s our favorite fake awards show!