10. Shanna Moakler and Paris Hilton Enlist Help of Police to Settle Pointless Catfight Over Some Braindead Rocker Guy – While drinking vodka and energy drinks and calling everyone “bitch” at Hyde, Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler ended up getting into a heated catfight over Moakler’s ex-husband Travis Barker, who Paris undoubtedly slept with. While there are few eyewitness reports of what actually happened (once the blow wears off, Hyde revelers seem to have trouble remembering things), we do know that they each filed seperate police reports claiming that the other one had assaulted them. In the end, no one was arrested, Moakler told paparazzi that Hilton has herpes, and everyone lived stupidly ever after.
9. Rip Torn Takes His Name Too Seriously While Driving – Rip Torn is part of that Gary Busey/Nick Nolte school of grizzled old veteran actors who seem to spend all their time playing excellent supporting roles in indie movies, and driving around drunk like batsh*t crazy old lunatics. They’re sort of like alcoholic grandads – we may pity their problems, but we can’t really get mad at them. Also, the mugshots are usually amazing.
Paul Scheer loves TV so much that the first draft of his Top TV Moments of 2006 was 137 pages long. It took some convincing, but eventually we were able to convince him to narrow it down to his top 5. So here they are: Paul Scheer’s Top 5 TV Moments of 2006.
Come back tomorrow at 11– Mike Britt will be here to walk you through the Top 5 songs/lyrics of the year!
It seems fitting that on the day of the birth of perhaps the most famous celebrity baby of all time, Jesus, we look back on the year that defined celebrity baby obsessionâ€¦
10. Some Celebrity Babies Are Already Cooler Than You Are. Making fun of babies can be incredibly easy, what with their complete lack of depth perception and verbal skills. But even fresh out of the womb, some celebrity babies are already way too cool for you. Ramona Saarsgard, daughter of uber-chic-but-clearly-unwashed Peter and Maggie Gyllenhaal, still hasnâ€™t returned your calls, and Kingston Rossdale, Gwen Stefaniâ€™s son, wonâ€™t even sign your yearbook. College will be a lot better, we promise.
9. Famous People Who Look Better Pregnant, aka â€œHeidi Klum Syndromeâ€ Pregnancy is the one time in a womanâ€™s life it is acceptable to look like complete sh*t. Unless youâ€™re a Victoria Secret â€œAngelâ€, of course, when having an alien life form in your womb transcends your beauty from â€œanorexia-inducingâ€ to â€œbun-in-the-oven-inspiring.â€ Take Heidi Klum, who week after pregnant week looked more beautiful and ethereal than ever before… causing hundreds of college boys to coin the term â€œEMILFâ€ (the E is for Expectant). Luckily, her baby came out kind of strange looking. (Thanks, Seal.)
8. 2006 Most Realistic Fake Bump Award: Reese Witherspoon. Then again, celebrities are held up to a strangely higher standard. Like when Reese Witherspoon was photographed on a beach with her children sporting a little mid-year bloat sac (read: small tummy.) Star Magazine jumped all over her baby mudflap, congratulating the actress on the burrito she was likely to birth in the bathroom later on that evening. Witherspoon sued the tabloids, and, as a result of the embarrassment (and that alone), divorced her husband.
Before we start: Merry Christmas everybody!
Okay, now moving on. A lot of crappy movies hit theaters in 2006, but believe it or not there were also exactly five good ones. That’s why BWE’s own Doug Benson is here to walk you through the 5 best movies of 2006.
Make sure you check back here tomorrow at 11, when Paul Scheer will walk you through the 5 best TV Moments of the year. You don’t want to miss it.
Have yourselves a Happy Holiday – and check back every day next week for more of our year-end lists and updates on all the celebrity dirt that went down while you were drowning in Egg Nog!
10. Acting All Gay With Jake Gyllenhaal - Spitting on his hand and giving Donnie Darko the rough ride of his life did for Heath Ledger what Gladiator did for Russell Crowe. And who could ever forget the sweaty glory of the Endless Exercising Summer shared by the Fitness Force of Lance Livestrong, Shirtless McConaughey, and Jakey G. Bottoms? McConaughey’s life will never be the same.
9. Being Famous For Nothing Other Than Being Unlikeable – While Paris has been perfecting this little trend for years, she’s brought a cast of supporting characters into the fold. We’ve got perpetually-sweating trust-funder Brandon “said a bunch of dumb sh*t while drunk this one time” Davis, Scott “I dress like a moron and produce bad music” Storch, Kimberly “my daddy is Rod” Stewart and a whole bunch of other various hanger-oners who all would have been better off having never existed.
8. Having Babies When You Really Shouldn’t – Britney Spears had barely finished pooping out her first Lifelong Biological Connection to Kevin Federline when the wife-beater-sporting wannabe rapper managed to sperminate her for a second time. And seeing as how Tom Cruise is a closeted homosexual who is clearly out of his f*cking mind, bringing a space alien into the world through the miracle of Silent Scientological Birthing might not have been the best idea. And Anna Nicole Smith’s infinite trainwreck of a life was brilliantly enriched by the addition of one child just prior to the loss of another. All in all, I’d say it was a pretty good year for Therapists of the Future.
Jessica Simpson’s metamorphasis from sex goddess to disgarded puppy nears the final stage of completion.
For more great pics, check out I Don’t Like You In That Way. But now it’s your turn, leave your Captions in the Comments now!
We’ve gots to give MASSIVE proppers to The Thighmaster for doing the necessary legwork to bring us this comprehensive guide to The Ladies of The Wonder Years. If you thought it was all about Winnie Cooper, you thought wrong. Now you can scratch your itch for 80′s TV nostalgia, AND find out just what became of Karen Arnold, Margaret Farquhar, Becky Slater and “Teri” (and believe us, you WANT to find out what became of Teri). Enjoy, buttfaces!
Looks like it’s a Merry Christmas in the Beckham household, what with Posh Spice Victoria Beckham leaving her abode with two alien bodies attached to her — and we ain’t talkin’ about Thetans! (Hey-oh!) We’re not sure if Victoria is aware that most breasts can actually grow naturally when one feeds the body nutrients found in this weird stuff called “food”, but nevertheless, even a little extra weight won’t give her the “lift, separation and nipplyness” that the plastic stuff affords. It’s a good thing she’s covering those lil’ guys up with a conservative turtleneck. We imagine the skin in between those otherworldly orbs is hanging on by a thread. The good news is that her rack reminded us of one of our favorite scenes from the movie Dumb and Dumber: Enjoy!
*Runner-up Title: “It’s a Hard-Knockers Life for Beckham”