SNEAK PEEK: It’s Breuer Time!

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Since I work at VH1 I probably should’ve known that Jim Breuer was taking over Web Junk 20. Of course, I had no idea. But he is, and that’s great because Jim Breuer is hilarious. I was able to pull some strings (read: ask a dude in the next office over) and get a clip from tonight’s show. Enjoy.

BWE SPORTS: Which Athlete Is Having The Best Week Ever?

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mike tyson.jpgMike Tyson – The one-time rapist agrees to take a job as a male prostitute at Heidi Fleiss’ new brothel for women.

oj2.jpgO.J. Simpson – Reminds everybody that he did, in fact, murder his ex-wife ten years ago through a “hypothetical” book titled “If I Did It.”

emmitt smith.jpgEmmitt Smith – Wins Dances With The Stars, upsets every Dallas Cowboys fan who owns a Smith jersey because now they’ll be stopped at shopping malls by women who want to know if they voted for him too.

Tough call. Leave your answer in the Comments.

OJ’s Publisher Sanitizes Victims’ Blood From Hands With Little Bottle of Purell She Keeps In Her Purse

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Daily-Douche-jokerlady.jpgBy now you’ve all undoubtedly heard plenty about the big Orange Juice Simspson hypothetical confession coming up on FOX – but what you might not have heard about is the business behind turning this unnecessary and disrespectful bit of sensationalism into must-see-TV. First, one must ask themselves, why would OJ ostensibly come right out and admit to committing a brutal and unforgivable murder? The answer, obviously, is money. You see, a leisurely lifestyle that consists mostly of golfing and partying does not come cheap, and having already failed at the obligatory Celebrity Sex Tape method of shady cash-making, OJ and his team of morally upstanding business associates are turning to the old Salacioius Tell-All Auto-biography scheme. As reprehensible as this may be, why even bother directing your outrage at The Juice? He doesn’t give a sh*t – this is a guy who MURDERED two people. So who IS to blame for this blight upon human decency?

Read more…

CAPTION THIS! Showdown of the Gingers

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Gary did not go to Julliard for 6 years to have some carrot-topped, spoiled Dutchess of York, Fergie-ass bitch take away his only acting job prospect since whistling the P.C. Richards theme song last year.

We are really excited about this picture. Endless possibilties! Leave your captions in the comments!

JOB LISTING: Anna Wintour Seeks Masochist For Personal Assistance, Inflicting of Anguish Upon

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merylwintour2.jpgAs scary and evil as The Devil Wears Prada made Vogue editor Anna Wintour out to be, I have no doubt that there are still countless hordes of wide-eyed young fashion maven wannabes out there who would give their left Manolo Blahnik to sit in Wintour’s famed Personal Assistant Torture Chamber. If you count yourself as one of these tragically wayward individuals, you’ll be delighted to know that Gawker is reporting a rumored opening in the Office Chair of Nightmarish Misery. We wish you the best of luck in the application process, and may God have mercy upon your soul, because Anna (whose legendary brand of sadism Barbara Walters finds fascinating, incidentally) most certainly will not.

SIMI-LEBRITIES: Her Real Dad?

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New pictures of Suri Cruise emerged yesterday, clutched in her father’s sure and staid grip. And as you may know, we love Suri. She’s looking more beautiful than ever, with a face that will likely mature into its own Benetton ad campaign. But we couldn’t let this go without pointing out the uncanny similarity between future superstar Suri and the kick-ass Lucy Liu. It’s like, if Anderson Cooper and her had a baby, it would be Suri. Mystery (gulp) solved?

ICYMI: Steve-O Gets The Stephen Dorff Voicemail of Death

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Uh-oh, Steve-O: let’s get one thing very straight here. You DO NOT f*ck with pretty-boy actor Stephen Dorff, even if you ARE a person who’s famous for lighting your nuts on fire. Dorff knows people. Dangerous people. People who will have you ERASED should you make the mistake of bringing his bimbo model ex-girlfriend, who he now thinks is a “dumb fat b*tch”, to lunch with you at the wrong places. Listen in sheer terror at the chilling sound of Dorff’s deadly voice – the same voice you might, but probably don’t, remember from his harrowing work in Backbeat, Space Truckers and Cecil B. DeMented – quivering with rage as he calmly assures a certain Jackass that his days of degrading and humiliating himself are now numbered.

(via Defamer)

LISTEN UP: She’s Hearing Voices

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  • I’m not sure what’s going on at Musik in Kurze, but I’m pretty sure they have two brand new Bloc Party tracks. Awesome.
  • Muruch describes Old Crow Medicine Show as “a mix of oldtimey country, bluegrass, blues, gospel, soul, Appalachian folk, barbershop quartet harmony, and just a hint of rock.” That’s good enough for me.
  • I Am Fuel, You Are Friends posted a ton of unreleased and live Ray LaMontagne tracks, if you’re into that sort of thing.
  • If you’re driving anywhere this weekend make sure you download Jimi Hendrix’s “Drivin’ South” over at Gimme Tinnitus. Actually, let me modify that: if you’re driving south.
  • And finally, The Late Greats are celebrating the weekend with a whole bunch of “friday” songs. Because people love singing about fridays.

GAMES: Deal or No Deal Game Deal

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deal_or_no_deal_mandel2_150x225.jpgDo you love tuning into NBC’s Deal Or No Deal to watch people shout at suitcases contaning various prize dollar amounts? Do you hate Howie Mandel and wish he wouldn’t keep interrupting all the shouting with his stupid attempts at humor? Do you wish that you could be the person shouting at those suitcases? Well it’s your lucky day, because we’ve located something will provide you with hours of shouting at suitcase fun – it’s the Deal Or No Deal Online Game! You’re going to need a lot of smarts and a lot of skill to select the random suitcase that contains the most fake prize money you will not receive for winning. Now let’s make a deal!

George Clooney’s Sexiest Man Alive Is Matt Damon

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CLOONZ.JPGGeorge Clooney, aka Sexiest Man Alive 2006, ie Salt N’ Peppa 2, slogan being “How Do I Swarthy? Let Me Count The Gaze”, took a moment out of his unspoken Suave shampoo campaign to lament on who he thought should be this year’s winner, Matt Damon:

“I gotta say, this is a very big disappointment for Matt, because he did run a very good campaign. If you’ve been around him, you know he’s sexy. His eyes pop. They have a twinkle. He’s got a good smile. He’s quite the dancer. He does rock a Speedo in Ocean’s 13.

His advice: “I think you should go with a snakeskin suit and some mousse and give a sort of up-on-your toes pose.” Damon strikes the pose in a photo, provided to PEOPLE by Clooney, taken in November 1997.

MATT DAMON.JPGThat is so like Clooney to josh around with his boyeez, his gang of almost-too-handsome, debonair superstar actors who constantly need to prove that they’re not the pretty guys they appear to be. This involves practical jokes, marrying the assistant, adopting poor children, etc etc. And, of course, mocking your own Sexiest Mannyness. Cause Clooney’s got balls, ya see? But he’s not above posing for an InStyle cover, ya got that? Good. (We, for one, are still completely won over by him.)

And as far as this picture of Matt damon is concerned… can you say “Tiled Wallpaper“?