- Jeremy Piven insists that he prefers taking his mom to red carpet events. Not because he’s a good son, but because she’s a total MILF.
- Jennifer Aniston will join her “Friend” Courtney Cox on her new show Dirt in March. Aww, aren’t those two the cutest? They think Dirt will still be on the air in March.
- Lindsay Lohan turned down a romantic weekend in Mexico with her supposed new boyfriend Joe Francis because she couldn’t resist partying at the Golden Globes. Undeterred, Francis went to Mexico anyway for a romantic weekend with countless bottles of tequila and girls with low self esteem.
- Renee Zellweger was spotted out on a date with Luke Perry. The couple hopes to fill the Celebrity Pair That We Really Don’t Care About void we’ve had to deal with ever since Reese and Ryan broke up.
- O.J. Simpson insists that the chapter from his book that depicts how he *would* have murdered his ex-wife was written by a ghostwriter and has factual flaws. Mainly, it ignores the fact that he really did kill her.
Itâ€™s Best Night Ever for Monday, January 15th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best moments of Monday night TV, including: the second half of 24, the Golden Globes and a special thanks to the Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet for E!
- For those of you still awake, E! will be covering the post-parties til at least 8 am, and Alec Baldwin is already hammered. No, really, he’s talking about how sex keeps his hair looking good. Goodnight.
- 11:02: OK. We will be saying “Bah-bel… Bah-bee” in our best crippled Schwarzenegger tomorrow (we won’t really, but imagine the looks on our co-workers faces! Shoot us please.) And. This man to your right, Alejandro GonzÃ¡lez IÃ±Ã¡rritu, the director of Babel, a man we’ve never laid eyes on, managed to jump on our comedy radar by directly addressing the Governator himself with possibly the best line of the night: “I swear, I have my papers.” This man, ladies and gentlemen, is awesome.
- 10:53: THE FIRST MAJOR UPSET OF THE NIGHT! We love Forest Whitaker, moreso when he’s overwhelmed into tears and befuddled silence, but we were really pulling for Leo DiCaprio in The Departed for the Best Actor award. We’re not upset, per se, just a little surprised, as The Last King of Scotland was seemingly playing in 2 theaters, one of them being Forest Whitaker’s own living room. Aw, he’s so sweet. Fine, I love him.
- 10:46: Helen Mirren earns another award for her performance in The Queen, which despite the fact that it looks sort of boring is actually fantastic. In other news, how come Helen Mirren’s breasts are perkier than ours… mine… even though they’re a solid 55 years older? Paging Stephen Hawking on this one, folks… am I right? Someone get Joy Behar on the line! We just spontaneously induced our time of the month, and our taking a joke too far mechanism.
- 10:44: Grey’s Anatomy wins for Best TV Drama. We’re sure a lot of you are thrilled… but we don’t really watch it. Don’t hate us.
- 10:37: A radiant-looking Jennifer Lopez presents the Best Comedy/Musical Picture Award to Dreamgirls, and they’ve appropriately sent up an adorable little gay man to accept the award. Was it just us, or did they cut off his speech super early? I blame Beatty. Also, they totally should’ve sent up Beyonce to give the acceptance award… poor thing hasn’t been on stage all night. (Again, we do actually like Beyonce, we swear.) Raise your hand if you think this fake award will kill Dreamgirls‘ chance of winning the Academy Award for Best Picture. We so don’t want to believe that, but we kind of have to.
- 10:36: The combi-douche-tion of Dane Cook presenting an Aaron Eckhart movie has momentarily killed our will to live… or, at the very least, liveblog.
- 10:28: YESSSSSSSSS!!!! BORAT WINS. We are treated to a serious behind-the-scenes breakdown of the “ass in the face” seen. I’m talking rancid ass air bubbles, balls as Golden Globes, dark fat crevices… the works. In other words — Sacha Baron Cohen delivers. Marky Mark looks like his head is going to explode from laughter, and Forest Whitaker‘s little beard couldn’t have been happier. Great success!
- 10:24: After Jennifer Hudson, Martin Scorcese‘s win is the most deserved of the night. The Departed was truly awesome. Should I feel weird that my new glasses frames look eerily similar to his? Don’t sweat it though — I get all of my eyebrows waxed off. I’m sure they’ll look fine.
- 10:21: Oh snap! Dustin Hoffman just made an Ishtar joke!!!! Boo-ya! Booooo….. ya.
- DOPPLEGANGER: Is that David Lee Roth in a F*ck Da Eagles t-shirt? (Youtube)
- ST. DOWDY: Word to Angelina Jolie: Next time you sign a contract to wear a line of clothing, make sure you actually like wearing your dead Grandmother’s tweed onesie beforehand. (NY Post)
- STAGE NAME: Anybody in the biz whose made it as Assi Cohen deserves a moment of your IMDB time. (IMDB)
- AWWW!: One more reason to be completely OB-GYN-Sessed with Ewan McGregor: He knows how to read! Squeal!! (American Library Association)
- BROW DABBER: We just want to say out loud, we are really, really, really happy that David Beckham has never raped a baby. If only because we would be so jealous of that baby. (JK on both counts, ya’ll.) (Popbytes)
If you’re reading this blog, chances are you have at least a passing interest in tonight’s big Hollywood back-scratching orgy otherwise known as The Golden Globes (don’t forget to make catty comments along with our own Michelle Collins, who will be live-blogging all night). It’s the entertainment industry’s big chance to bestow Academy Award consolation prizes upon the money-making stars not yet ready for their Oscar, and simultaneously shine some more publicity onto their product in an Awards Show that doesn’t really matter (though the Oscars don’t really matter anymore either). Anyway, as who wins what will likely be forgotten by lunchtime tomorrow, we’re going to skip predicting tonight’s future shiny statuette owners, and instead focus our speculation on the only thing that makes the show worth watching: the silly and stereotypical things that will probably happen. Congratulations to all the winners, losers and those of you who are both.
Best Awkward and/or Inappropriate Red Carpet Moment: A tough call this year as Joan Rivers’ long-running supremacy of mind-blowing absurdity has been waning on account of her old age (she actually seems to become LESS senile with each passing year) and Isaac Mizrahi’s committment to unparalleled flaming flamboyance. The smart money is on Isaac trying outdo his own molestation of Scarlett Johansson, but who knows whether some hungry rookie from E! might make a bizarre grab for the honors?
Best Visible Annoyance By An Actor On the Red Carpet: Will undoubtedly be Sascha Baron Cohen, forced to listen to yet another “Niiiiiice” Borat impression, this time by Billy Bush or somebody.
We’ve been careful when talking about our favorite daytime soap opera character Zarf. Since we’re sensitive towards the transgendered, the emotionally confused and the bad actors of the world, we didn’t want to come right out and call Zarf a “freak.” But now, after watching this clip and hearing her say it, I think it’s okay. Let the freaks fly. Freak.
Wonkette brings us the latest incident in the increasingly frequent “Barack Obama ‘mistakenly’ associated with evil on TV” phenomenon. Last time it was the obvious “Obama/Osama” blunder, but this time a local Fox News affiliate pulls something even more brazen: slipping the presidential hopeful’s picture into a story on a…wait for it…sex offender! Be sure to pay close attention to the news leading up to the ’08 elections, as you will surely learn more questionable Obama trivia such as his pre-birth support of the Nazi party, hand in American slavery and key role in the crucifixion of Jesus.
Man, keeping up with The Days Of Anna Nicole Smith’s Lives is sort of like watching the saddest E! True Hollywood Story ever, as it’s actually happening, helpless to do or say anything about the shameful display unfolding before you. Anna Nicole’s latest assault on our essential faith in humanity comes from The Scoop, who is reporting that she and her evil lawyer/husband/sidekick Howard K. Stern are peddling pictures of her infant daughter – who the courts have yet to determine the actual father of – to the highest-bidding tabloids in an attempt to purchase a home in the Bahamas, where people are apparently less apt to judge those who cynically use their children as currency. Larry Birkhead, the tabloid photographer (in itself an irony I’ve never quite been able to fathom) who claims to be child’s actual father is, as usual, outraged and disgusted. This story – which I somehow feel like I’ve read before – once again reaffirms my long-held belief that since we’re so clearly obsessed with seeing the innocent offspring of the famous (or in this case, the famously grotesque), the time is RIPE for a new Hollywood sub-industry of high-powered celebrity baby picture brokers. Within ten years, the town is sure to be crawling with sleazy agents like Ari from Entourage, doing lucrative deals with FetUs Weekly, a Sidekick in one hand and a blankie in the other.
1. I’m going to begin this post with the words “Spoiler Alert.” Even though the 2 episodes I’m basing everything on aired last night and I’m only technically “spoiling” it for the people too “busy” to watch it with the rest of the world. This will be your only warning.
2. Jack Bauer eats people now. More on that in just a bit.
3. After being tortured by the Chinese for two years and not speaking a single word, the first thing that Jack uttered to Bill Buchanan was the name of his ex-girlfriend, Audrey. Buchanan didn’t have the heart to inform Jack that Audrey left to go do The Nine, which was cancelled almost immediately.
4. Jack’s Unabomber beard sadly only lasted 3 minutes in the U.S. Authorities made him shave it and put on a nice button up shirt before he was sacrificed to the terrorists, presumably because they didn’t want to murder anybody who was so homeless-y looking.
5. After running on the “You guys liked my dead brother, vote for me!” card, Wayne Palmer was elected President. Obtaining this power has affected his ability to speak any louder than a whisper.
- Pitchfork’s new mp3 blog Forkast gets their hands on a catchy Samuel L. Jackson ditty from the upcoming Black Snake Moan. The NSFW is implied, m*th*f**k*.
- For those who actually want music music, they also have an exclusive track from the upcoming Ted Leo album.
- Fans of the song “Waterloo Sunset” should thank the Grant Manship blog, as they’ve posted a cover of the song by the Islands, as well as David Bowie performing it live.
- Any band that can “Abba-ize” a song is a band we love. Check out Bjorn Again covering Erasure over at Fluxblog.
- Idolator posts some tracks from the very catchy British import Charlotte Hatherly. For real, we just put her on our Ipods.