NASA Says You Don’t Want To Miss A Thing

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What if I said there was a killer asteroid barrelling towards Earth that could wipe us all out? You’d probably say you heard that story before in 1998 and you don’t buy it. Well guess what, buddy; it might be real… and NASA knows exactly what they have to do to stop it.

To save the day, Nasa now plans to go where only Bruce Willis has gone before. The US space agency is drawing up plans to land an astronaut on an asteroid hurtling through space at more than 30,000 mph. It wants to know whether humans could master techniques needed to deflect such a doomsday object when it is eventually identified.

Let me save NASA a couple of billion dollars. Of course it’s going to work. The training will be a hoot, but once they land on the asteroid they’ll only face a couple of problems (one of which being the asteroid’s harder to drill through than anything they’ve ever experienced.) But as the clock ticks and time nearly runs out, one astronaut is going to save the planet at the cost of his own life. He’ll have an emotional conversation with his daughter while her douchey boyfriend stands by just moments before making the ultimate sacrifice, and believe me, he won’t soon be forgotten. Oh, and then Ben Affleck will say something annoying. Spoiler Alert, NASA. Spoiler alert.

So what’s a better move? Spending a ton of money to see if it’ll work or renting Armageddon and spending 2 1/2 hours of your life watching it. Actually… don’t answer that.

While You Were Updating Your Suri Shrine…

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…Of The Day

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  • HARSH REALITY: Just like Pamela Anderson, Suri Cruise. looks better airbrushed. (Yeah, I just made fun of a baby. What are you gonna do about it?) (AOL)
  • HUG IT OUT, BITCH: Jeremy Piven still can’t get over Jack Black beating him out for a role in High Fidelity. Says it worse than being fired by Vinnie Chase.(Defamer)
  • QUESTION YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO: Are Americans too lazy for the Nintendo Wii? Um… yes, yes we are. (Metadish)
  • WHO KNEW?: Not only is Lindsay Lohan beautiful, talented and an inspiration to us all, but she’s funny too! She’s the total package! (Egotastic)
  • ITS NAME IS EARL: Jaime Pressly announced that she’s pregnant on The Late Show. And I’m announcing on BWE.tv that I can’t think of a single reason to watch My Name Is Earl if she’s not wearing slutty outfits.(TVSquad)

Settle Down, It’s Just A Video Game System

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douche - PS3.jpgI don’t care how ultra-realistic the maiming and killing graphics of the new PlayStation 3 happen to be, or how much you’re just dying to simulate athletic activity through the supine comfort of your couch, but camping out and waiting in line for a video game – ANY video game – is literally wasting your time so you can waste your time. I like a spirited game of Super Mario Bros. or Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out as much as the next guy, but I will never understand what, exactly, it is about all these newfangled gaming consoles that have people flipping out for them to point of sitting in a tent outside of a Best Buy for days on end, like a total idiot. What’s the big deal? I mean, when you’re sitting there, like 17 hours into a sleep-deprived Cheetoh & Dr. Pepper-fueled Grand Theft Auto marathon, is there not some moment of clarity in between levels in which you stop and think, “Hmm, is there anything else more productive I could be doing with this time?” I might be old and out of touch, but I can assure you that I’ll accomplish more today that standing outside of an electronics store just so I can be the first person to complete the first level of Operation: Shoot the Robot Alien Ninja Pirates. I’m not knocking video games altogether, but if you stood in line for one, you’re today’s Daily Douche.

BWE INVESTIGATES: Dreamgirls Ticket Price Breakdown

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The NY Post is reporting that, at $25 a ticket for the first ten days of its release, the film Dreamgirls will break records as the most expensive box office admission ever. As we thought 25 bucks for a Beyonce/Eddie Murphy/Jamie Foxx vehicle seemed a little steep, we did some investigating and found out exactly what every dollar of every ticket is paying for. Roll over the pie chart to find out!

LISTMANIA: 5 Reasons You Should Be Watching Top Chef

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Top Chef. It’s sort of like Project Runway, but for heterosexuals. Well, bi-sexuals at least. The point is this “meat & potatoes” culinary competition show is every bit as entertaining and addictive as its fabulously flamboyant, stylishly sequined Bravo counterpart. Yet for whatever reason, I never seem to hear anyone talking about it, which makes me worry that people are missing some of the best TV available right now, which is why I’ve compiled this list of 5 reasons you should be watching Top Chef:

1. The Show Is Like Porn For Your Stomach – Who cares who can design the best Futuristic Pant Suit, no real person would ever wear that sh*t. But I guarantee you that I would murder Cliff’s Fish Sticks and Mac & Cheese faster than you can say “tartar sauce”.

2. Tom Colicchio Is the Most Loveable Asshole I’ve Ever Seen
– No matter how funny his voice might be, Tim Gunn is a pansy. But like a white, balding Rick James, NY restauranteur and celebrity chef Tom Colicchio has such an arrogant “I don’t give a sh*t about you” kind of attitude that you can’t help but love him. Watching my man T. Clicks relentlessly belittle the blundering chef wannabes with his passive-aggressive nature and his smug little smile is truly one of television’s great pleasures. Also, he’s an even crankier blogger than I am.

Read more…

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Weiner Time

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So what’d you miss while you were stuck at work today? Nothing much… except of course for the creepiest rendition of the Oscar Meyer weiner song EVER. This belongs in a horror movie as a character walks down a long and dimly lit hallway after all their friends have been murdered as they weep and wonder where the killer might jump out of next. Or it belongs on The Megan Mullally Show. Same difference, I guess.

SIZZLER: Jeter Rounds the Bases with Jessica Biel

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Jeter.JPG(And now, a post brought to you courtesy of baseball innuendos, in order to deter all future columns about the two from doing the same thing.)

Yankees baseball hottie Derek Jeter has really hit it outta the park with his latest Hollywood diamond, Jessica Biel. The actress, whose generous mounds earned her the coveted Esquire‘s “Sexiest Woman Alive” award, was spotted in a squeeze play with the blue-eyed batter at L.A.’s trendy Hyde nightclub, and sources report that Derek was stealing glances as if thought were bases! And even when Jeter was approached by a group of opposing players eager to get his attention, they quickly realized they were in foul territory. The two cozied up to one another and appeared to be in prime scoring position. From the looks of it, Jeter should be handing over his bat and balls to Biel for future safekeeping. This relationship is outta the park, folks!

The Onion’s Britney & Kevin Infographic

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Infographic-Britney-4.article.jpgThe Onion is one of the more credible news sources that’s covered the Britney Spears/ K-Fed split since it was announced last week. They’re so thorough, they even made a list of all the reasons the couple decided to part ways. Here are a few of them:

  • Passionate fire flickered out during burping contest
  • Stud contract required Federline be returned to breeder after second successful siring
  • Decision made by write-in vote for Kids’ Choice Awards

Read the rest of the list here. Then, when you’re done, check out the hilarious ‘C-List Celebrity Killer’ Leaves Police Enthusiastically Guessing Who’s Next. I smell a new Celebreality show!