LISTEN UP: Boys And Girls… In America

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  • Just in case Pitchfork’s review of the new Jet album wasn’t enough for you, The Music Nazi posted a track for your enjoyment. Go listen to it, then decide for yourself if it’s better or worse than a monkey drinking its own urine.
  • Gorilla vs. Bear posted a track from Clipse’s new album. So go download “Oh My S**t”, if for no other reason than it’s an amazing song title.
  • The Scissor Sisters have been all over TV promoting their new album. Culture Bully has mp3′s of their appearance on Dancing With The Stars and Conan.
  • Everyone– everyone– is loving The Hold Steady’s new album. Pop Tart’s Suck Toasted has three tracks from Boys & Girls In America, as well as three tracks off the new Decemberists album.
  • And finally, A Soundtrack For Everyone posted tracks by The Killers and The Lemonheads today. Download them, because you could always use more ‘The’ bands in your iPod.

Could the Cocaine Party Be Over Already?

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cocainehenry.JPGFrom first hearing about it, to first trying it, to first seeing how much fun it can be, we must confess to you, dear readers, our recent love affair with Cocaine, the energy drink. Since this wonderful product has come into our lives, everything seems to be going great – we’ve got more energy, we’re way more interesting to talk to, and we find the tabloid trashcan we must sift through every day to be far more tolerable. So why are these party-poopers trying to kill our buzz and tell us there’s something wrong with all the heart-pumping fun we’ve been having with Cocaine, the energy drink? Take this square, for example:

“There are only two reasons that you would seek to use this infamous and insidious name to market your so-called energy drink,” said Councilman James Sanders Jr. of Queens, who organized a news conference at City Hall. “Either you are woefully ignorant of the horrors of cocaine addiction, or your god is the dollar bill, and not even human life is more sacred.”


Just like “The Man” – always trying to ruin a good thing and a great time. I guess “James Sanders Jr.” (if that’s even his real name) didn’t bother to read the tiny disclaimer on DrinkCocaine.com that clearly states, “We don’t advocate drug use. What you do with your drink is completely up to you!”. Now THAT is what I call a firm stance! If he’d bothered doing a little research before his sanctimonious grandstanding, Councilman Sanders also could have read some handy tips on how to make mixed drinks such as the Liquid Cocaine, the Cocaine Snort and, my personal favorite, the Cocaine/Apple Tini. I’m sipping on one of those delicious concoctions as I type this very sentence. Mmmm hmmm.

Anna Nicole and the Case of the Real Baby Daddy

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annaciole2222.jpgThe Salvador Dali painting that is Anna Nicole Smith’s life has somehow managed to become even more surreal, with paparazzi photographer turned subject-seducer Larry Birkhead now filing a paternity suit against Smith to determine whether or not he is the father of her newborn child (who ever would have thought a man would be arguing to PROVE he knocked up Anna Nicole?) Birkhead alleges that Smith is addicted to methadone, the same heroin substitute that was partially responsible for the tragic death of her eldest son. Additionally, he accuses Smith of orchestrating an elaborate ruse to find someone (namely her new husband/attorney Howard K. Stern) to publicly claim to be the child’s father, an allegation we find dubious if for no reason other than Anna Nicole’s inability to orchestrate anything more elaborate than a sandwich. Only time – and justice – will tell whether Mr. Birkhead is a sleazy opportunist, or a loving father desperately trying to save his child from a life of torture and abuse at the hands of a woman who was once the subject of a reality show about being addicted to pills.

BWE SPORTS: Congratulations To The New York Yankees!

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giambi.jpgAs the MLB Playoffs begin this afternoon, we here at BWE would like to offer our congratulations to the New York Yankees and their fans. After having to endure a brutal stretch of nearly 11 straight months without a playoff appearance, the Yankees are finally back where they belong: The Postseason, on FOX!

It wasn’t easy. Many doubters didn’t think the Yankees would be able to follow in the footsteps of previous playoff-bound Yankee teams– legendary teams from the past, lead by players like Derek Jeter, Robinson Cano, Chien Ming-Wang and Jason Giambi (pictured indicating the number of drug tests he passed this year, Right). Yet somehow the Yankees were able to find a way to get this season’s ragtag group of All-Stars (one at every single position, mind you) to compile 97 victories and yet another Division Title. And they found a way to do it all with a payroll of just $200 million. It must not have been easy.

So congratulations, New York! Waiting 11 long months and having to endure 162 straight games of non-Playoff baseball must not have been easy! Welcome back to the Postseason… on FOX!

“It Wasn’t Me”, by Mick Foley

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America,

I’m not a pedophile. I’m pro-wrestler. You’re thinking of Mark Foley. Please stop sending me nasty emails. I don’t even have AIM. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,
Mick Foley, a.k.a. Mankind, a.k.a. Cactus Jack, a.k.a. Dude Love

P.s. Don’t read into the Dude Love thing. It’s just a nickname, I swear.

ICYMI: Destined For Destiny

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Being a person who happens to think that most of the current “Bush bashing (you over the brain with obviousness)” comedy is about as funny as the situation in Darfur (and less subtle), I was surprised to find myself chuckling at this simple-yet-effective “A Life In Pictures” promo for recently released Destined For Destiny: the Unauthorized Biography of George W. Bush. Say what you want about him, but the guy really does have friends in some pretty high places.

While You Were Blocking Maf54

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  • Ashton Kutcher says that Bill Clinton once tried to hit on his wife, Demi Moore. Now, in Clinton’s defense; he probably thought Ashton was her son.
  • Eric Clapton is playing “Cocaine” in concert again, a song he stopped playing live after getting sober. Fans think this could tie in to his upcoming album release: A Cry For Help.
  • George Clooney wants to go out with a different woman every night for three straight months in an effort to “debunk” photographs in magazines. And, as a part of his effort to “debunk” 90 more women in Los Angeles.
  • George Michael insists that he doesn’t have a problem with drugs. He just has a problem getting caught with drugs– there’s a difference.
  • Weezer is suing the Miller Brewing Company for using their name in some beer advertisements. Miller will stop running the Weezer ads, and promises they’ll go back to targeting music fans old enough to actually drink beer.

YOUTUBULAR: Biff Is Back To the Present

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Hey, buttheads! After flawlessly essaying the “multi-generational bully in humorous time travel adventure movies” role with his portrayal of Biff in the Back to the Future trilogy, actor Tom Wilson tried keeping a low profile. But apparently random people incessantly nagged and harassed him with questions and comments about said role, leaving him no choice but to become a stand-up comedian and write jokey songs about his frustrating battle with quasi-celebrity. So check it out, McFly – unless you’re chicken!