Surprise! K-Fed cheated on Britney!
According to an unnamed source, Kevin Federline was having an affair with ex-porn star Kendra Jade a month before Britney filed for divorce. Kendra, star of such hit films as Ass Clowns, Droppin’ Loads 2, and our personal favorite, I’m A Dirty Filthy C**ks**king C**t! is a 29-year-old woman from East Hampton, Massachusetts. She currently lives with “THE MOST AMAZING MAN ON THE PLANET” and has never been happier. Much like Mr. Federline, she doesn’t care if you don’t like her and she doesn’t want “to waste anymore precious time on haters.” But who does?
Kendra loves camping, paintball, tipping hot strippers, boxing, and enjoying a good fight after a bottle of jagermeister. She likes creative people, artistic people and prefers to surround herself with people who are “motivated and ambitious…and more importantly, people with values, morals and integrity.” She also finds boys with tattoos and piercings “hot as f**k.”
Want to know more? Just visit Kendra’s MySpace page. We like her. It’s good to see that Kevin’s moving up in the world. It’s about time he found himself a girl he could take home to mom.
Just last week, we reported that a manorexic-lishious Josh Hartnett had been spotted partying it up with a mystery woman while shooting his new vampire flick 30 Days of Night in Australia. Well, today more details are emerging that 1. Josh and girlfriend Scarlett Johansson have broken up; and 2. That mystery woman was actress and co-star Amber Sainsbury. The two were spotted “brunching” two days in a row… “brunching” being a euphemism for post-coital egg-eating.
Here’s what we find a little disturbing: This Amber chick looks like a Prius Hybrid of Scarlett and a really surprised Christina Ricci. And even worse, she’s kind of a borderline C-List actress. <Prepping for hate mail from Wiccan-fans of her show Hex.> The only redeeming quality we could find about the girl is that her first result on Google Image is a picture of her alongside Steve Guttenberg and Rutger Hauer. That’s gotta count for something… right? Sigh.
In the meantime, and more importantly to about half of our readers, Scarlett is now living single. Get your creepy fanboy letters out ASAP, this ain’t gonna last you guys!
We are absolutely blown away that screen giant Danny Devito can’t hold his liquor. But judging by his appearance on The View this morning, where Danny stumbled onto stage after a night out with his “boy-eee” G. Cloonz, cursed out G.W. Bush, and then sat on Rosie‘s lap like a little boy at Christmas… well, yeah, he’s tanked.
Salutations, my dearest denizens of the World Wide Web. My name is Phyllis T. Weatherford and I happen to be the vagina that belongs to Miss Britney Spears. I am aware that many of you have likely noticed me here and there (and there and there and there) this past week, and thus thought it might be nice to formally introduce myself, and share with you my intentions for the future. We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other, you and I, so let me start off by saying that it is my utmost pleasure to make your acquaintance.
I am now emerging from what can only be described as a trying time in the relatively short life of this particular vagina, finally able to enjoy a few breaths of fresh air after two oppressive years of joyless sex, repeated impregnation, and painful child-bearing. You see, when Mr. Federline was “all up in” the life of my dear sweet Britney, my entire existence consisted of serving as a sperm receptacle for the occasional instances in which that hopeless imbecile was either a) attempting his latest financial-future-securing impregnation, or b) had gotten himself “so blazed on the icky sticky and Hen” that he demanded his wife “break him off a piece of dat ass”. As you might guess, neither of these scenarios were particularly pleasant for me.
So what now?
Kid Rock attempts to get over soon-to-be ex-wife Pam Anderson by spending day with ridiculously proportioned life-like sex doll.
So much for GQ’s Newlyweds Of The Year, huh? Well, now it’s your turn. Leave your captions in the comments now!
Fans of Ali G/Borat/SB Cohen: HEAR HEAR. You must watch this British telly special called Before They Were Famous, profiling the comedian from his early beginnings in the mid-90s as a cable access tv presenter and… yes, male model! Watch these two videos and understand why. You’ll cringe at times, and certainly stifle your cubicle-snorts at others (like an early Bruno moment.) Oh, and the second half of the vid has an NSFW breast slip. (Those Europeans and their on-air nudity, we swear.)
Part II after the jump!
In an effort to prove that their hatred towards celebrities is almost equal to their love of animals, the folks at PETA have put together their annual Worst Dressed List. But this year, rather than simply name the celebs who enjoy walking around in fur, they enlisted the help of a guy who sounds like he’s auditioning for a job as Perez Hilton’s ghostwriter. Here’s his list, complete with catty (can we say catty? is that offensive towards animals?) commentary:
1. Nicole Richie: This pelt-wearing party girl is all animal skin and bones. Sheâ€™s an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match.
2. Ashley Olsen: Wearing fur does add 20 pounds, but if Ashley wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead.
3. Christina Ricci: Disregarding the holiday seasonâ€™s â€œPeace on Earthâ€ message, Ricci recently posed for a magazine cover wearing fur from slaughtered reindeer. At least sheâ€™s not into fur hats: Imagine how many more pelts it would take to cover that forehead.
4. Eva Longoria: Youâ€™d think sheâ€™d be more sympathetic to the plight of rabbits considering the way she screws around like one on Wisteria Lane.
Me-ow! (again, can we say that? we didn’t offend any cats out there, did we?) Nicole’s a bitch, Ashley’s anorexic, Christina has a giant forehead and Eva plays a whore on TV. If those aren’t reasons to stay away from fur, I don’t know what is. Thanks PETA!
Since some of you seemed to enjoy the Matt and Kim tracks we told you about the other day, I thought you might like to see this amusing little music video they made for their super-catchy single “Yea Yeah”. It’s kind of like Double Dare, except more rocking and less Mark Summers (wait, is that an oxymoron?)
Let’s take a quick look at who is faring better in these post-divorce days!
PHYSICALLY: The above comparison should say it all. K-Fed has tossed his cornrows to the wind, slapped on some cufflinks, and affixed the lucky diamond earring Brit no doubt bought him for Valentine’s Day. His Esquire duds work for him. Britney Spears, sadly, isn’t one of those girls who looks trashily hot when coked out of her brains. It’s more of a beaten hooker vibe. (Paris’ manhands really leave a mark.) At least she’s shaving! WINNER: K-Fed.
ROMANTICALLY: Britney’s latest squeeze is the ostrichian Paris Hilton. We won’t even get into details because you probably already know too much about their budding relationship. K-Fed isn’t crying though, as he’s scored his own eff-buddy in former porn star Kendra Jade. This one really comes down to which squeeze has less venereal diseases… aaand we’re guessing porn star. WINNER: K-Fed.
FINANCIALLY: Britney came out of the divorce with a water-tight pre-nup and top crotch lawyers. K-Fed can always stretch his last remaining diamond baubles to last at least a few more months. Still, this one’s easy. WINNER: Screwge McF**k, i.e. Britney.
Keep reading for more highly astute in-depth analysis.