SIZZLER: Paging Dr. Toughguy!

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grey2.jpgThe celebrity sleuths over at The National Enquirer have an exclusive story on “one of Hollywood’s most shocking fights ever” (guess someone hasn’t seen the Carter Brothers Battle Royal?) between Grey’s Anatomy co-stars Isaiah “Love Jones” Washington and Patrick “McDreamy” Dempsey, whose heated disagreement escalated into a no-holds-barred on-set deathmatch culminating in a “chokehold”, “shoving” and someone being called “a bitch”. Ah, how frightening it can be when two highly paid pretty boy TV stars throw down in a slapfight of kindergarten playground proportions! Luckily, the violence and bloodshed was finally diffused when Washington “stormed off to his trailer to cool off” whilst Dempsey stood silently in utter “disbelief”. But don’t sigh relief yet, as “insiders” are reporting that “the feud is far from over”. What could these gladiators possibly have in store for round 2 of their raging rumble? Only time will tell, but if peace-keeping efforts aren’t made soon, someone’s agent could end up getting a choicely-worded letter.

ICYMI: Looks Like Funny Girl 2 Is a No Go

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There’s been a lot of talk about Barbara Streisand lately — and not just surrounding her oddly come-hither rack. During her record 47th Farewell Tour, Babs attempts some SNL-worthy humor by bringing out a George W. Bush impersonator and a whole lot of political angst. Yentl then had the moxy to tell one heckler to “Shut the f*** up.” Wonder what all the controversy is about? Take a look at some of the cutting edge comedy happening in your parents’ world. We’re still waiting to see Celine Dion riding a tandem bicycle with Condoleeza Rice while singing “Power of Love”.

REMINDER: Scarlett Johansson Is Still Hot

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scarlett2.JPGMemo to the NY Post: If you’re going to include this picture of Scarlett Johansson from Allure magazine in your newspaper, please give the reader fair warning. Something along the lines of “Alert: When you turn the page you’re going to see a semi-nude photograph of the sexiest woman alive (who also happens to be a role model for sexual health. Make sure you’re not eating or drinking anything, for you’ll surely choke, and if you’re a man on the subway, make sure you’re not standing too close to anybody. For obvious reasons.”

We haven’t seen this photo anywhere else online today, so you’re just going to have to enjoy this low-res scanned image. Or you can go buy The Post. It’ll probably be the best $.25 you spend today. Just make sure you’re prepared. You’ve been warned.

Texting PETA: WHERE R U?

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Dear PETA,

While you’re busy splashing fur-bedecked magazine editors with red paint and insisting that chickens each be handed a plush studio-cage, there are live animals – LIVE – who are being tortured out in the open, for all the world to see, and you guys don’t intervene. Look at this pug held by Paris Hilton, clearly being squeezed to death both physically and intellectually. Either this lil’ guy has Graves’ disease, or it’s exhibiting classic “warning signs” in the realm of “I only have a few more hours to live.”

For God’s sake, the pup even tries to slap her himself — and fails.

Please, unzip your bloodstained cow costumes, take a long look in the mirror, and hotfoot it to LA where hundreds of toy animals are experiencing this torture on a daily basis.

Sincerely,
The World Including, But Not Limited To, Blind People

ICYMI: Top Secret! Republican Campaign Ad

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When you woke up Monday morning to discover that North Korea is testing real working nuclear weapons, your mind might have been sent reeling with all the fears and questions such a scenario presents. Well, if there’s one person who understands the nuances of global military conflict and diplomacy, it’s the man who brought us Airplane!, Top Secret!, The Naked Gun! and the last 3 Scary Movies(!). Yes, screwball film director David Zucker made a campaign ad outlining all the vaudvillian, slapstick ways in which the Democrats (namely, Madeleine Albright in drag) have single-handedly allowed evil to thrive in the world. For some reason, the Republicans never chose to run the ads, but thanks to the wonders of YouTube, we can all enjoy it here to today. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you just might learn something. But mostly you’ll cry.

While You Were In Serious Need of Some Publicity

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  • Tara Reid admits to having “botched implants” and “liposuction”, yet still holding out on “a problem”. I guess you gotta save something for the next “magazine cover confession”.
  • Madonna’s adoption of an impoverished African child shameless, unoriginal, increasingly desperate ploy for our continued attention has finally been confirmed and made official. What? You still don’t care?
  • Jessica Alba: “I don’t do nudity.” Every Man (and Lesbian or Bi-Curious Woman) In America: “Come on, please!?!”
  • One of Malibu Gibson’s bestest drinking buddies has reportedly been charged with molesting two 12 year-old boys aboard a cruise ship. When asked for comment, Gibson condemned pedophilia, but showed some support for his friend by adding, “Though I suppose there are worse things in the world…like JEWS!”
  • Zach Braff says his sex scene with Rachel Bilson in The Last Kiss was “fumbling, awkard, elbows everywhere”. Little tip, Braff: it’s a whole lot easier when you’re not trying to symmetrically position a camera in front of you to stare at while listening to Sufjan Stevens and crying.

Best Night Ever: Tuesday, October 10th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, October 10th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing with The Stars, Law & Order and Nip/Tuck!

…OF THE DAY

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  • KNIGHT RIDER: Sister, Sister star Brandy has fallen for… Project Runway‘s Michael Knight! Sure, it’s likely 99 percent fake, but aww! (Star Magazine)
  • CONTRADICKTING HEADLINE: “Scarlett Johansson takes two HIV tests a year but says she’s not promiscuous.” Well, we take one every month and haven’t been laid since the Kennedy Adminstration, so who’s to judge. (The Daily Mail)
  • COLONIC: Bo Bice has emergency intestinal surgery. This is like Barbara Streisand getting a nose job, folks. (People Magazine)
  • MOTHER: Suri Cruise ain’t even a year old yet, and already Katie Holmes wants to have another baby. How could she possibly stand another 16 month pregnancy? (Female First)
  • DELETED SCENE: Want to know why Evan Almighty is becoming the most expensive comedy in the history of film? (Even surpassing the big-budget Harold Lloyd epic pre-talkie Safety Last?) Well, judging by the deleted scenes from Bruce Almighty, pyrotechnics might have something to do with it. (Defamer)

THE DAILY DOUCHE: Gross-Out Cinema

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QTdouche.jpgThe most disgusting sentence, and accompanying mental image, we’ve seen all day has to come from this Page Six item, describing the puppy love between director Quentin Tarantino and his newfound paramour, “Hot Young Asian Woman”:

At the after-party at the Hollywood Roosevelt, the woman “tripped and fell flat on her face.” She later sucked Tarantino’s fingers while he ate sliders.

The word you’re looking for isn’t actually a word – it’s the sound of you hurling tiny hamburgers all over the keyboard in front of you. That’s why a certain Reservoir Horn-Dog is today’s Daily Douche.

CAPTION THIS! Mel-O-Drama

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“No, I’m glad we’re doing this too. Now, do you have any more questions SugarTits?”

Obviously we can’t wait for Mel Gibson’s interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC. What do you think he’s going to say? Leave your Captions in the Comments now!