Because She Needs The Money

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posh.jpgNow that Victoria “Seriously… do people still call her Posh Spice?” Beckham’s husband is all set to make a paltry $250 million playing soccer in the U.S., it’s time for the former “singer” to put her plastic surgery-enhanced ass to work. And what better way to say, “Look out Los Angeles, here I am!” than by posing naked in Playboy.

According to Hollyscoop: Victoria ‘Posh’ Beckham has a job lined up for her once she moves to LA, that is if she accepts the offer. Hugh Hefner gave Posh an offer to pose for Playboy magazine.

Hugh’s ‘girlfriends’ are even excited about the news. Bridget Marquardt and Holly Madison immediately offered Mrs. Beckham the chance to join them on a photoshoot in LA.

Bridget said: “She should do a pictorial with us. We’ve got big plans for her!

Do we actually think this is going to come to fruition? Of course not. But it’s fun to pretend. And anyway, if you wanted to imagine what she looks like naked, just grab a stick of gum and crazy glue two oranges in the middle. That’ll do the trick. Trust me. ;-)

TIM GUNN GETS A TV SHOW! (as does paula abdul.)

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TIMGUNN.JPGYES. Bravo, the channel that brings us Butter-Faced MILF‘s and Wolverine-Haired Chefs, has heard your nagging pleas for more Tim Gunn, and made your screams a reality. They’ve also thrown a bone to Paula Abdul, giving the inebriated seal-clapper her own 30 minutes of shine time in a show, literally, called Hey, Paula. The deets:

The network signed Project Runway den daddy Tim Gunn and pop star-turned American Idol judge Paul Abdul to series of their own. Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style will profile Gunn as he solves people’s fashion dilemmas by helping them get makeovers. While it’s still unresolved whether Gunn will return to Runway for its fourth season, his own show debuts as he is set to publish a book on style and taste in May 2007.

Abdul’s show will be a documentary-style look behind the scenes at her life. The show, tentatively called Hey Paula, is set to debut later in 2007 and will profile the choreographer/singer/perennial worst-dressed candidate at work and with friends.

OMG, her show is just gonna be about her? Our guess is the title stems from an encounter in the first episode that goes something like “Hey, Paula, could you step out of your tanning bed, put down your Sloe Gin Fizz trough, and pretend to know something about music? THX, Management.”

The sad news is Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has been cancelled. Pour a sip out of your cosmos for Carson Kressley and the gang. Does this mean gays are, like, totally “out”? Not like “out” out but “out” like “not in the fashion”? As God is our witness, we will continue posting Zarf clips until they are totes back “in”.

CAPTION THIS: Hot Heir

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Whether its his frosted blond hair, his shiny purple lycra shirt, his gaudy Barbara Streisand glasses or the dainty way he’s holding that cigarette, one thing is for sure: Brandon Davis’ brother Jason is first-class Hollywood royalty. He looks like a gluttonous Robert Evans on ecstasy.

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LISTEN UP: She’s Got Sauce

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  • I didn’t think it was possible, but after hearing a new song by The Ponys over at You Ain’t No Picasso, I’m more excited about this album coming out than ever.
  • Sound Of The Suburbs posted everybody’s favorite G Love song today, “Baby’s Got Sauce.” God, I miss the 90’s.
  • Idolator remembers Rhymefest. In case you’ve forgotten who he is, he’s a rapper who released an album waaaaay back in 2006. Give him a listen, for nostalgia.
  • Quick- go to Faronheit and download three acoustic Hold Steady tracks. Why are you still reading this? Go.
  • And finallly, for a mix of tracks that includes Veruca Salt, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Big Mama Thornton, check out I Am Fuel, You Are Friends. It’ll help you make it through the weekend.

Yay! Paula Abdul Is Drunker Than Ever!

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This video is a soon to be classic. Its been months since we’ve been able to be all “You guys, Paula Abdul is on something, for real.” Realizing this, and seeing as American Idol is kicking off its new season next week (in a 4 hour premiere, good God), she’s bringing drunker back and better than ever. Just… watch this.

15 – 1 On An Off-Crack Whitney Houston Comeback Tour? I’ll Take Some Of That Action.

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whitney_houston_monster.jpgThe drunken coozehounds over at Double Viking have compiled a list of Vegas Odds on Celebrity Comebacks. If you’re a gambling person, you might want to check out some of these lines:

Kevin Federline: 300,000,000 – 1

This one is kind of cheating, because it’s not really a “comeback” if you’re not coming back to anything. But really, the bar is just lower for Fed-ex: anybody would agree that if he ever releases another album, it would have to qualify as a major comeback, because right now, it seems totally impossible. However, if some sort of extinction level event were to decimate the human race including most of it’s talent base, K-Fed may one day regain his status as an entertainer. But people will still think he sucks.

I’m not sure about these odds, but I’ll be even money that Madonna will continue to humiliate herself however she can in order to make the comeback she’s been looking for since swapping spit with Britney.

The Office: How Can We Buy Stock in “Beeswax, Not Yours, Incorporated”?

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STANLEY.JPGWe’re gonna go ahead and say it: Last night’s episode of The Office was our favorite of the season. It had everything a perfect episode needs: Hilarious one-liners, fantastic character interaction, exciting plot development, and Harvey, the talking Boobs robot (post-it note eyes = tree-fibered gold.) The coworkers team up and venture out in pairs in a non-competitive, untimed Amazing Race to sell Dunder-Miflin products. Phyllis (who we adore) hits the beauty salon, and turns Karen into “Ka-Wreennn” from Goodfellas, Dwight and Jim are “the Gay team”, Ryan pulls a “Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration” while on the road with a perkier-than-usual Stanley, and Andy really “schrutes” his relationship with Michael, cranking up the Massengil factor to previously unseen heights. The pairings were perfect, and gave us some sorely missed quality Jim/Dwight time. Plus, the lipstick cams brought to mind something else we’ve been missing — Taxicab Confessions. It’s been years since we’ve seen a meth addict in the back of a car on her way to kill her pimp, ya’ll. Moving on.

So why was this episode the best? First and foremost, we saw the softer, more mature side of Michael Scott. From his refusal to join in the Dwight bashing, to his level-headed Everyman sales technique, to his child-like EQ (Ex.: “You better think about this long and hard.” “That’s what she said.” “Don’t you dare.”), deep down he’s a decent, albeit clueless, kinda guy. Plus, Phyllis dropped the long-dreaded Pam Bomb on Karen, casually mentioning how Jim used to have a “thing” for her. A little bit of us died when hearing that last night.

DWIGHTJIM.JPGLet’s also take a moment to obsess about Angela and Dwight, the most functional couple on TV… Sure, Dwight has his flaws and looks like one of the Buttmans from In Living Color, but way to be a real man, guy! His quitting at the end left us with a few questions: 1. How many minutes into the next episode until he comes crawling back? (Or Michael crawls back to him?) 2. How many minutes until Angela slits Andy’s face, ear to ear? and 3. What will Jim do in his spare time now that Dwight’s gone?

Office Tally has a collection of the numerous quotable quotes from last night, and NBC has quite a worthy deleted scene up. Did you love it as much as we did?

The True Highlight Of My Day– No– Week

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You know how you think you and your friends argue about stupid things? Well, try to top this:

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james brown.jpgATMORE, Ala. (AP) – January 11, 2007 – A man shot a friend when the two got into an argument over James Brown’s height, police said.

Officers said the men were at a friend’s home on Monday when, according to witnesses, the argument over the height of “The Godfather of Soul” escalated, with Gulley shooting Brooks twice in the abdomen. Brooks went to his car, got a gun and shot at Gulley but missed, then went to the police station, officers said. [keep reading]

It gets better. The man who pulled the trigger is 70-years-old! His friend is 62! And officers say that alcohol was not a factor! I love these guys!!!

So how tall was James Brown? You know, I’m not going to tell you. I’m scared. I really don’t want any senior citizens coming after me with shotguns. Those old bastards are crazy.

Read the full story here