Memo to celebs: If you plan on going down on some dude in a van, just assume you are being recorded — or take your mic off. Most of you are probably getting this memo in time, but unfortunately we may have been to late when it comes to Scarlett Johansson. According to some anonymous creephound, the busty actress (whom he refuses to name but alludes to) left her mic on while visiting a gentleman texter in his car. Creephound continues recording, and while we’re not going to get into details, let’s just say he claims to have 12 minutes and 47 seconds of audio featuring the actress, well… let’s just say she’s not running her lines. This is one of two things: Either, it’s greatest hoax of the year; or, the greatest thing to happen to celebrity sex tapes… maybe ever?
Wondering where you can hear it, you filthy soul? Take it easy — the tape hasn’t been released yet, and is being held hostage until someone plunks down a hefty wad of change. Which is suspicious to us. We checked, and Scarjo-Gives-A-Blojo.com is still totes avail. So, how much would you be willing to pay to hear such a tape?
It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, November 5th! Michael is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including The Simpsons, Desperate Housewives, Breaking Bonaduce, and Celebrity Paranormal!
Get more from Michael at his blog, Perpetually Nauseous.
- Our favorite and last remaining Hollywood couple, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, called it quits. And in a completely related story, Phillippe is now loaded.
- We subjected ourselves to both an entire article written by K-Fed, and his entire album. We keep checking our mailboxes for Purple Hearts, and nothing.
- Bob Barker announces his retirement, and we remember the top 10 things we love about the man. (Note, his groin is not on the list.)
- Kanye West says something stupid, and the world continues to pay attention.
- Elisabeth Hasselbeck says something stupid, and the world continues to pay attention.
- And finally, let’s relive all of those moments when Jared Leto didn’t fully arouse — we mean annoy — us.
Tune into Best Week Ever tonight @11 and all weekend long to find out what else you missed!
…but rape on The Young & the Restless sure is! This dude has to be the best looking sexual predator pirate in history.
The producers of Jesus Camp should send New Life Church leader Ted Haggard one of the male hookers he loves so much for helping them out by ostensibly admitting that he pays for man-love at the precise time they release their documentary – in which the preacher is prominently featured – about the hypocrisy of the Evangelical Right. Haggard, who is a personal friend of President Bush and President of the National Association of Evangelicals (representing over 30 million voting Christians), has preached about the “evils” of gay sex on numerous occasions (including the clip below, taken from Jesus Camp), and now has admitted to purchasing crystal meth and “massages” (mostly in and around his genitals, we’re sure) from a male prostitute. Now that he’s resigned from his position as head pastor in shame, we find Ted Haggard most deserving of the holy honor of being baptized today’s Daily Douche.
UPDATE: Here’s video of the lord’s servant explaining that he was only leaving messages on male escorts’ answering machines to buy meth. Meth that he would later throw away instead of snorting it and having hot sex some rented boy.
Cocaine Cowboys isn’t what you think. It isn’t a movie about Paris and Lilo on horseback. Nor does it have anything to do with Whitney Houston and the Superbowl. The movie is a documentary about Columbian drug trafficking, being billed as the “real” Scarface. The best part? While buzz on the movie is good (so good you just wanna rub the film strip along your gums), unsurprisingly many of the folks in Miami interested in seeing the movie aren’t that interested seeing it at a swanky art house. As a result, the bootleg DVD is a runaway hit at flea markets across the area. But instead of throwing a fit, the filmmakers have embraced the attention, making short films (available on Youtube) interviewing the very thieves profiting off their work. Kudos, guys, way to avoid getting your throats slashed. Check out the trailer, and make sure to blow your nose before your boss comes back.
Caption This! brought to you by Stranger Than Fiction, in theaters November 10th.
Someone call PETA.
It’s no secret that we’re still suffering from Seinfeld withdrawal. The show now airs 4 times daily here in New York, and it’s barely enough to keep our kvetching urges at bay. When Jerry Seinfeld made an appearance at Comedy Central’s Night of Too Many Stars benefit, we nearly lept to sweet death from our mezzanine seats out of pure happiness. So you can understand our enthusiasm regarding this live action preview for the upcoming animated jaunt Bee Movie. Seinfeld + Bee Costume + Chris Rock = Excellent Friday afternoon trailer. (via Cinematical)