Posh & Becks to Begin Stealing Valuable American Oxygen

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BECKS.JPGSoccer man-hock David Beckham and wife/alien liaison Victoria Beckham will be taking their shenanigans stateside, California specifically, as Becks has signed on to play with the L.A. Galaxy beginning this August. What kind of things can you, as Americans, expect after their move? We’ve consulted our bevy of statisticians, and here are the odds of certain things happening following their move to the states. There is a :

  • 98 percent chance Posh & Becks will convert to Scientology.
  • 93 percent chance Tom Cruise starts to creep them out and they leave the church, only to find their lives ruined soon after.
  • 92 percent chance L.A. will sell out of self-tanner.
  • 86 percent chance Beckham will accidentally be called Mr. Mike Tyson over the telephone within the first week.
  • 54 percent chance Victoria Beckham overtakes Nicole Richie‘s “Most Visible Clavicle” Award.
  • 48 percent chance a corn-rowed David Beckham will be referred to as “Vanilla Face” in the hood.
  • 34 percent chance David Beckham becomes a Gay Icon.
  • 22 percent chance Posh Spice will host her own reality show on the Travel Channel featuring nothing but her and Katie Holmes shopping at Barney’s.
  • 21 percent chance that show will be called “Spend It Like Beckham.”
  • 11 percent chance somebody will buy a single ticket to an American soccer game.
  • 4 percent chance Victoria Beckham will learn how to read.
  • 0 percent chance they move here with little to no press coverage, live a normal life, raise lovely normal children, and manage to avoid the bloodthirsty and scrupulous media coverage that we love to hate.

We look forward to their arrival.

SIZZLER: Kelly Osbourne’s Sh*t In A Box

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kelly_osbourneBOX.jpgIn a rather unseemly new interview with Life Style Extra, braindamaged rocker offspring Kelly Osbourne reveals that her mother used to force her to defecate in a box, which Sharon would then send to her enemies in the media. Say what you will about Kelly’s candor, but this story fills me with a fuzzy feeling of nostalgia for my own youth, specifically those perfect Saturday mornings when my mom would drag me away from cartoons long enough to poop into an empty kleenex box that she would later mail to Sally Jessy Raphael for not taking a tougher stance with all those heathen teenagers.

MASHUPS: More Fuel For The Tom Hanks Fire…

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…In our loins. We’ve always had a — how would you say? — hankering for the man called the “Nicest Guy in Hollywood”, Tom Hanks. Don’t agree? Watch this Casino Royale mashup video made by the brains behind Brokeback to the Future, and tell us if you agree that Hanks would make a devastatingly charming/unthreatening James Bond. We would gladly be the Hooch to his Turner… whatever that means.

Giant Looks at the “Small in ’06”

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blossom.jpgIt’s not too late to post one more list about 2006, is it? I don’t think so– I just accidentally wrote ’06 on my rent check, so I think that means we can bask in the past for another week or two.

Sick of all the celebrity vaginas, African babies and Mel Gibson that 2k6 provided us, the folks at Giant Magazine decided it was time to shine a light on those who are less fortunate than us: the forgotten celebrities.

While overshadowed celebrities might be considered wash-ups by most standards, they’re technically no lamer than the stars we keep in the photographic crosshairs, duking it out to see who can be most famous for being the most useless. Here we shine a light on eight celebs who managed to avoid every headline in 2006—and will continue to do so probably even if they bust out their own Dirty Sanchez video.

Click here to read Giant’s Small in ’06. And pour some out for those who were two forgotten to be forgotten… like the cast of Step By Step. Somebody should check up on those kids.

While You Were Wishing LOST Would Come Back

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  • Britney Spears’ stylist, in a desperate attempt to save his own career, is insisting that he’s not responsible for Brit’s new look. He said they should go for “Sexy & Single”, she heard “Schizophrenic Stripper”.
  • Meanwhile, K-Fed is trying to sell his own children back to Britney for $50 million, or best offer.
  • With the help of Entertainment Weekly, Jared Leto offers 6 articles of evidence in support of the idea that he is, in fact, a real musician. And being in a band has nothing to do with it.
  • Hey, you know what’s even more hilariously awesome than seeing the hilariously terrible Snakes on a Plane in theaters? Buying it on DVD to ironically enjoy over and over again. Those motherf*cking snakes are still on that motherf*cking plane. Right, guys?
  • According to TMZ, Danny Masterson a.k.a. That Guy From That 70’s Show a.k.a DJ Donkey Punch a.k.a. DJ Momjeans was totally slammin’ the decks in Vegas during his bangin’ DJ set. He later commented, “Man, even if I can’t be a famous actor, I can still be a famous other people’s music player.”

Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 10!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 10th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best moments of Tuesday night TV, including: Top Chef, In Case of Emergency, Beauty and the Geek and the captivating Armed and Famous!

…Of The Day

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  • NO TIME TO LAUGH: Penelope Cruz- stop laughing off rumors that you and Salma Hayek are lesbian lovers. The only acceptable answers are “yes” and “yes, would you like to watch?” That’s it. (Popsugar)
  • NEW, NEW IMAGE: First Tara Reid went from party girl to reformed party girl. Now she’s going from reformed party girl to 70’s trophy wife. I guess it could be worse. (I’m Not Obsessed)
  • I’ll SHOW YOU MINE: Bill O’Reilly and Stephen Colbert will appear on each other’s shows. Considering they agree on everything, what could they possibly argue about? (Yahoo)
  • SAN DIEGO CHARGED: Two women are suing Patriots linebacker Junior Seau for tossing drinks on them and calling them “female-specific profanities.” You can guess which ones. (The Smoking Gun)
  • AUCTION: If you truely want the “world’s greatest” microwave (and I know you do), just contact Judah Friedlander. He’s looking to sell. (Collegehumor)

SIZZLER: Does Jay-Z Hit Beyonce? Wouldn’t You?

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JAYZBEYONCE.JPGJAY KAY!! We kid, of course. We happen to be one of the few remaining citizens on Earth who hold Beyonce near and dear (Cue “Listen” + river of tears.) But website Media Take Out claims that Jay-Z, the one man in the world expected to love Beyonce through and through, flaws and all, has instead been manhandling the poor girl (as far as we understand it, manhandling in the unsexy, Gary-Abusey way, not the hot, primal, animal instincts kinda way… moving on.) In an expletive laden letter sent to the site, Beyonce’s assistant claims the following:

Now I’ve never seen him just flat out strike Bee, but too many times have I seem him shove and push her. At first I thought that it was just a little horse play thing between the two – but once I saw how embarrassed Bee was to be man-handled in the front of me in St. Tropez – I realized that it was no joke.

He treats Beyonce like she’s an object and not a person. The [EXPLETIVE] should be happy that a beautiful woman finally wants and loves his ugly [EXPLETIVE] for more than just what’s in his pockets.

We never really understood how Beyonce could stand being with Jay-Z in the first place. He’s got the face of a suicidal bulldog, and is hung, according to one source, “Like a one-liter Pepsi bottle… The 20-ounce bottle. It’s beyond huge. It could block the sun.” That’s a form of abuse in itself, folks! After the jump, check out video of Jay-Z putting his Gigandor-Hands on some woman’s face and pushing her out of his way, then come to your own conclusions.

First J-Hud, now Jay-Z?? Sounds like Beyonce needs a vacation… from her problems. Video after the jump.

Read more…

Now That Your Cocaine Energy Drink Habit Has Gotten So Expensive, It’s Time For Meth Coffee

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methcoffee.JPGWhen we first heard about Cocaine Energy Drink, we were hooked. But now that it’s been a few months and usage and skyrocketed up from a can in the morning to mainlining that cayenne-pepper tasting goodness every hour on the hour, our sweet go-go power is starting to become prohibitively expensive. Thank the narcotic gods that some good people out in San Francisco have developed a higher-octane, lower-cost, really dirty alternative called Meth Coffee. The website features a very slapped together, ramshackle, sort of insane Nebraska basement motif that has become so reminiscent of crystal meth abuse in the hearts and minds of America’s drug enthusiasts. So get off that Starbucks street corner, drop that corporate c*ck you’ve been relying on for synthetic energy, and head on over to the Meth Coffee labs where being broke won’t stop you from getting high! Sort of. In kind of a dirty way. Now all we need is Heroin sleepytime tea.