Ladies and Gentlemen… It’s Miss Golden Globe 2007!

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GOLDENGLOBE.JPGRecognize this girl to your left? Well, unless you’re a member of the snobby L.A. Hollywood elite, you shouldn’t. Because the girl to your left, up until now, was nothing more than the child of a famous person. That is until the clouds parted, the heavens erupted into angelic chanting, and god reached down and anointed her flaxen-head as Miss Golden Globe 2007! She has a lot to look forward to — for over 40 years, MGG has featured some of the best and brightest spoiled celebrity kin, including Melanie Griffith and Laura Dern. The duties of Miss Golden Globe are exhausting: After putting on a highly-ornate gown (sometimes weight nearly 11 pounds), Miss Golden Globe is forced to stand on-stage and smile behind presenters/winners for upwards of three hours! Sometimes, she even carries the most coveted award in the universe on stage! Upon request, an oiled man in a terry-cloth diaper will follow her around the stage with an oversized fan and smelling salts, in case the duties become too much to bear.

So wonder who this lucky lady is? Can you guess? Here’s a hint: Her father is a mega-star, and her mother used to be a cocktail waitress who hit the sperm lottery. Find out the answer after the jump!

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ICYMI: Finally, Somebody Sticks It To Willie Aames

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aamesbaio.jpgOur older readers might best remember Willie Aames as “Buddy Lembeck”, the wacky-but-lovable best “buddy” of Scott Baio’s character Charles, who’s in charge, on Charles In Charge. In the years following his star-making turn on the seminal sitcom about the challenges of babysitting, Aames went down the cliched path of child star excess and salvation – drinking and drugging himself all the way to Christ. He now lives a quiet, if slightly curious, Ted Nugent-like life in suburban Kansas, where he is an ordained minister and the host of a hunting show (all ordained ministers are required, by holy law and the laws of the State of Kansas, to be avid hunters). ANYWAY, as this Aames character has been flaunting his celebrity in our faces for so long now (it seems like every time we turn on the TV it’s Willie Aames this, Willie Aames that!), the ex-pseudo-celebrity crusaders over at RADAR really pulled one over on Willie, prank-calling and convincing him to lend his celebrity endoresement to a power sander that doesn’t even exist, causing hilarity to ensue. Oh man, this is even better than the time they toilet-papered the lawn of the fat kid from Monster Squad who didn’t think that wolfman had nards!

Kellie Pickler’s Past Defies Excessively Perky Name

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PICKLER.JPGYou would never think that a girl named Kellie “With an IE not Y” Pickler (née “Dilly of a”) grew up riding horses around a lollipop ranch, baking pies with her Grandma — Nanns — and having tea parties with every Beanie Baby ever made in her life-sized Barbie Dreamhouse. You would not expect Ms. Pickler, the blonde southern charmer who won hearts as a finalist on American Idol, to bust out with this doozy in the current issue of Us Magazine:

“I remember my mother and I were in the kitchen and I said, ‘I wish God would take me away, I’d much rather be dead than live here with you.’ She took a knife out, set it on the counter and said, ‘Here, do it then.’ I was in fourth grade. Of course I never would have acted upon it, but it’s done a lot of emotional scarring.”

Errrr…. wow. We have so… so many questions. Luckily, Us was there to put them in our own mouths:

How did Pickler overcome the abuse? What happened the last time she talked to her mother? Why is her relationship with her father still strained now that he’s been released from prison? Who does Pickler call her “angel”?

You gotta give the girl credit for not ending up in porn, seriously. And we never thought we’d say it but (clenched teeth) we have a whole new level of respect for Kellie Pickler. (loud exhale) There! We did it!

LISTEN UP: If I Only Had A Brain

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  • Aquarium Drunkard posted some old live tracks of Johnny Cash at San Quentin. Because it’d be really hard to post new live tracks.
  • You know That’s Him! That’s The Guy! is going to be good because they have TWO exclamation points in their name. Villians Always Blink has TWO mp3s. Check them out.
  • Today you can win a copy of Courtney Love’s new book and download some rare tracks of Hole covering Nirvana and Guns N’ Roses over at Berkeley Place.
  • SoundGymnastics is hip-hopping all around (their words, not mine) with tracks by Diddy, Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z and more.
  • And finally, I hope this is exciting for you as it is for me. Armagideon Time posted one of the best one-hit-wonder tracks from the 90′s: MC 900 Foot Jesus’ “If I Only Had A Brain.” What a day.

OMG! Did You Pelo-See What She’s Wearing???

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Is the Associated Press sexist? In a recent photograph of the incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the AP felt the need to include a description of what she was wearing in the Caption. Sure, the AP never went into detail about what Dennis Hastert wore, but we actually applaud them for showing restraint while captioning the first female Speaker of The House in history. The first draft looked like this:

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Link via AMERICAblog

Countdown to Bond: 10 Best 007 Gadgets

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Casino Royale is almost in theaters, and we’re counting down the days. One of our favorite things about Bond films are the insanely “high-tech” gadgets given to him by Q, his gadgetry maven. Ex: “To an untrained eye, this looks like an ordinary rolling pin. But pull out one of the handles, and it turns into a combination AK47/Flamethrower.” Check out this list of the Top Ten 007 Gadgets, and note the evolution of cool spygear over the course of nearly half-a-century. We’re guessing this tiny yello helicopter seen above was the ultimate in high-tech when You Only Live Twice was released, and not the tiny, lady-like airplane it looks Sean Connery is flying above.

SIZZLER: Fed-Ex Leaves Britney a Fresnoian High-ku Message In His Dressing Room

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kfedshower.jpgOur friends at Us Weekly obtained this EXCLUSIVE!!! photo of an angry missive from Kevin Federline, scrawled on the shower door of his dressing room after a recent House of Blues show nobody probably went to. Thus spoketh the Federdouche:

Today I’m a free man
Ladies look out
F*ck a wife
Give me my kids B*tch!

You ladies should indeed “look out”. There’s now a wife-beatered trash can with delusions of rap grandeur and a sharpie on the loose. His sperm is powerful, his prose is ridiculous, and he will not hesitate to attack you with life-ruining impregnation should you allow him to get get too close.

TRAILER MIX: Eddie Murphy Makes A Triumphant Return to His Fat Suit of Hilarity

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Not to be dethroned by Shawn and Marlon Wayans in the “Black People Using Prosthetics to Dress Up As Things They Are Actually Not” Movie Genre, Eddie Murphy is back in the fat suit for Big Momma Medea’s Family Reunion with the Nutty Klumps Norbit, and based on what we’re seeing in this trailer, Eddie DID NOT forget to bring the funny. You’ve got your easy Carlos Mencia-esque racial stereotype jokes; you’ve got your slapsticky pratfalls, your repeated references to a pop song that was recently popular, and of course, the tried and true gold standard of the Eddie comedy – the hilariously angry overweight black woman character who’s actually played by Murphy himself. All the elements of a comedy classic in the making!