ICYMI: Brian Williams Is Fall-Off-Your-Chair Boring

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We love our local newscasters– they’re so much more… what’s the word?… unprofessional than our national ones. Take this clip from yesterday’s NBC newscast. After debating the merits of dental floss with Brian Williams, local anchor Sue Simmons is so bored she literally falls off her chair at the newsdesk. We’d agree with Brian’s take on her antics (“Awful”), but honestly, Sue falling off her chair is the only thing that kept us in ours.

How great was that? Now it’s your move, Steve Bartelstein. How are you gonna top that? Huh?

LISTEN UP: Come Away With Us

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  • Not only do Snakes Got A Blog, they also got damn good taste. Head over there now for brand new tracks by the Arcade Fire and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.
  • Quick- teach your mom how to use “the online”– Idolator has a new Norah Jones track available for download.
  • If you can’t wait for the new Of Montreal album, go check out Harmonium. They have 2 new songs for you impatient bastards.
  • For some classic Guided by Voices tracks, head on over to rbally. Each song you download makes you 5% cooler.
  • And finally, how many damn bands does Damon Albarn need? First Blur, then Gorillaz and now he’s fronting The Good, The Bad And The Queen. Based on the man’s track record, you owe it to him to visit We Say Disco and download a couple of songs.

ICYMI: Hyphy Feet

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Look, it’s a REALLY slow news day and all, so why don’t we all just stop for a moment and watch some animated penguins get down on some of that Dirty South crunk by my cold-ass homie Lil’ Wayne? Great.

UPDATE: Well, contrary to what my totally bangin’ gangsta writing would lead you to believe, I was not familiar with this song prior to hearing it in this video. I thought the guy was saying “Walk It Off”, which is in fact a ditty by Lil’ Wayne. However, as it would turn out, he’s saying “Walk It Out”, which is by DJ Unk. I apologize for my inability to understand his pronunciation, and for being the whitest person imaginable.

Posh & Becks to Begin Stealing Valuable American Oxygen

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BECKS.JPGSoccer man-hock David Beckham and wife/alien liaison Victoria Beckham will be taking their shenanigans stateside, California specifically, as Becks has signed on to play with the L.A. Galaxy beginning this August. What kind of things can you, as Americans, expect after their move? We’ve consulted our bevy of statisticians, and here are the odds of certain things happening following their move to the states. There is a :

  • 98 percent chance Posh & Becks will convert to Scientology.
  • 93 percent chance Tom Cruise starts to creep them out and they leave the church, only to find their lives ruined soon after.
  • 92 percent chance L.A. will sell out of self-tanner.
  • 86 percent chance Beckham will accidentally be called Mr. Mike Tyson over the telephone within the first week.
  • 54 percent chance Victoria Beckham overtakes Nicole Richie‘s “Most Visible Clavicle” Award.
  • 48 percent chance a corn-rowed David Beckham will be referred to as “Vanilla Face” in the hood.
  • 34 percent chance David Beckham becomes a Gay Icon.
  • 22 percent chance Posh Spice will host her own reality show on the Travel Channel featuring nothing but her and Katie Holmes shopping at Barney’s.
  • 21 percent chance that show will be called “Spend It Like Beckham.”
  • 11 percent chance somebody will buy a single ticket to an American soccer game.
  • 4 percent chance Victoria Beckham will learn how to read.
  • 0 percent chance they move here with little to no press coverage, live a normal life, raise lovely normal children, and manage to avoid the bloodthirsty and scrupulous media coverage that we love to hate.

We look forward to their arrival.

SIZZLER: Kelly Osbourne’s Sh*t In A Box

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kelly_osbourneBOX.jpgIn a rather unseemly new interview with Life Style Extra, braindamaged rocker offspring Kelly Osbourne reveals that her mother used to force her to defecate in a box, which Sharon would then send to her enemies in the media. Say what you will about Kelly’s candor, but this story fills me with a fuzzy feeling of nostalgia for my own youth, specifically those perfect Saturday mornings when my mom would drag me away from cartoons long enough to poop into an empty kleenex box that she would later mail to Sally Jessy Raphael for not taking a tougher stance with all those heathen teenagers.

MASHUPS: More Fuel For The Tom Hanks Fire…

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…In our loins. We’ve always had a — how would you say? — hankering for the man called the “Nicest Guy in Hollywood”, Tom Hanks. Don’t agree? Watch this Casino Royale mashup video made by the brains behind Brokeback to the Future, and tell us if you agree that Hanks would make a devastatingly charming/unthreatening James Bond. We would gladly be the Hooch to his Turner… whatever that means.

Giant Looks at the “Small in ’06”

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blossom.jpgIt’s not too late to post one more list about 2006, is it? I don’t think so– I just accidentally wrote ’06 on my rent check, so I think that means we can bask in the past for another week or two.

Sick of all the celebrity vaginas, African babies and Mel Gibson that 2k6 provided us, the folks at Giant Magazine decided it was time to shine a light on those who are less fortunate than us: the forgotten celebrities.

While overshadowed celebrities might be considered wash-ups by most standards, they’re technically no lamer than the stars we keep in the photographic crosshairs, duking it out to see who can be most famous for being the most useless. Here we shine a light on eight celebs who managed to avoid every headline in 2006—and will continue to do so probably even if they bust out their own Dirty Sanchez video.

Click here to read Giant’s Small in ’06. And pour some out for those who were two forgotten to be forgotten… like the cast of Step By Step. Somebody should check up on those kids.

While You Were Wishing LOST Would Come Back

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  • Britney Spears’ stylist, in a desperate attempt to save his own career, is insisting that he’s not responsible for Brit’s new look. He said they should go for “Sexy & Single”, she heard “Schizophrenic Stripper”.
  • Meanwhile, K-Fed is trying to sell his own children back to Britney for $50 million, or best offer.
  • With the help of Entertainment Weekly, Jared Leto offers 6 articles of evidence in support of the idea that he is, in fact, a real musician. And being in a band has nothing to do with it.
  • Hey, you know what’s even more hilariously awesome than seeing the hilariously terrible Snakes on a Plane in theaters? Buying it on DVD to ironically enjoy over and over again. Those motherf*cking snakes are still on that motherf*cking plane. Right, guys?
  • According to TMZ, Danny Masterson a.k.a. That Guy From That 70’s Show a.k.a DJ Donkey Punch a.k.a. DJ Momjeans was totally slammin’ the decks in Vegas during his bangin’ DJ set. He later commented, “Man, even if I can’t be a famous actor, I can still be a famous other people’s music player.”

Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 10!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 10th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best moments of Tuesday night TV, including: Top Chef, In Case of Emergency, Beauty and the Geek and the captivating Armed and Famous!