The 10 Best 10 Best Lists of 2006, #9: The 10 Best Reasons To Hate Singing & Dancing In 2006

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10best21.JPGYesterday we counted down the 10 Best Celebrity Body Parts of 2006; today we’re going to take a step away from the superficial and base our list on something other than perky nipples and chiseled abs: talent. Or, in the case of the 10 Best Reasons To Hate Singing & Dancing in 2006, lack of talent. Let’s get started.

10. Tom Cruise gets down on BET
He was the world’s best pilot in Top Gun. The best bartender in Cocktail. The best samurai in The Last Samurai and the best secret agent in Mission Impossible. But all of that pales in comparison to his portrayal of the world’s best awkward white guy dancing on BET.

9. K-Fed Plays With Fire, destroys our eardrums
If someone releases a terrible album and nobody listens to it, was it ever released at all? The answer is yes, and believe it or not thousands of people actually went out and bought Kevin Federline’s debut one and only album. Presumably, half of these people purchased it as a joke, and the other half as a test of endurance.

8. Bob Dylan’s music gets the musical treatment
How does it feel to be on your own, with no direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone? We have no idea, but we’d imagine it feels better than having to watch this painful clip from The View over and over and over again. The Times They Are A-Changin rolled off Broadway faster than you could say “Blowin’ In The Wind.” Or just “That blew.”

Read more…

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: The Black Harvey Fierstein?

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Every time we hear this commercial (read: 4.800 times a day), we literally drop what it is we’re doing (working, Nintendo Wii-ing, sipping boiling hot tea) to slowly turn our chairs around and stare at the TV, sure that the grim reaper is coming for us Poltergeist-stizz. Then we realize it’s just a commercial for some product called Head On (we still don’t know what it’s for, p.s.), and that their “spokesman” is a robot from Planet Xorton. Enjoy!

CAPTION THIS! Hold The Coco

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I’m not sure why Ice-T’s wife Coco got breast implants on her ass… but I think it’s working.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now! (and for more ridiculous Coco shots, click here)

LISTEN UP: Christmas In the Drunk Tank

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  • Aquarium Drunkard has appropriately posted one of my very favorite Christmas songs of all time (for reasons I shall not disclose), “Christmas In the Drunk Tank” by The Pogues.
  • *SIXEYES remembers the “reason for the season” (for Mel Gibson, at least) and posts Big Star’s classic “Jesus Christ”.
  • Recently fired Jew-hating publisher Judith Regan should head on over to Here Comes The Flood where she will be able to download Elvis Presley’s classic “Blue Christmas”.
  • You Ain’t No Picasso is getting into the Holiday Spirit with “12 Days of Mixmas”, posting mixes from several cool indie rockers, the latest being from one of my personal faves, Page France.
  • And finally, Stereogum has a link to Aimee Mann’s Christmas Special.

Tyra Banks Is Here to Bray!

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FATTYRA.JPGWe would just like to bring to the world’s attention that The Tyra Banks Show, the only place that consistently delivers the most partially aborted moments seen on daytime TV, has officially been renewed to 2009. Even though ratings are down, Tyra Banks scores big in the women between 18-34 category.

2009. At least 3 more years of second-rate giveaways, public pimple popping, and paaaaanty paaaaarties! 3 more years of racial stereotyping, of “My Momma Thinks”, and the classic “When I Was a Model”s. 3 more years of yo-yo dieting, America’s Next Top Model updates, and ass moisturizing. And you know what?

We couldn’t be more thrilled. Because it looks like as long as this girl is on TV, we’ll still have our jobs. So congratulations! We look forward to what’s in store. And by look forward we mean cringe hugely.

ICYMI: Dr. Phil Argues With Sleazy Creator of “Bum Fights” Over Who More Shamelessly Exploits People

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If you’ve never seen the disgusting gonzo video series Bum Fights, pat yourself on the back, because you’re probably not an asshole. These despicable videos exploit human misery in unfathomable ways, treating the sick and suffering as if they were less than human by paying them to fight one another. But when Dr. Phil had the sleazebag creator of these videos on his show, in order that he might state the painfully obvious by heroically condemning such vile conduct, he found himself confronted with a pretty valid point about his own parasitic behavior. But the warning is no joke – this clip is pretty disturbing.

(via WebJunk.tv)

ICYMI: Not By The Hair of Their Chinny Chin Chins

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Try to make it through this clip without wincing. This morning, the ladies (and I use that term loosely) of The View decided to discuss their least favorite aspects of menopause. If you’ve ever wanted to hear Joy Behar and Rosie O’Donnell talk about their facial hair… a) what’s wrong with you? and b) today’s your lucky day.

The image of Rosie attaching a bead to her chin hair and swinging it around is permanently etched into my brain. I always knew she reminded me of somebody… I just didn’t know it was Captain Lou Albano.

SIZZLER: Miss USA Is Officially Coked-Up Slut!

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MISSUSA.JPGOnly moments ago, Donald Trump made the announcement regarding the future of Miss USA Tara Conner, who tested positive for cocaine, has been seen underage drinking at nightspots around New York City, and even made out with her Miss Teen USA roommate. And the verdict it? Miss USA gets to keep her crown!! Quothe the Donald: “I’ve always been a believer in second chances.” Well, that is just fantastic. Considering that we’ve never known the name of a Miss USA contestant ever before, it seems fitting that Tara should get a second chance — because, frankly, slutty cokeheads are the American way, and clearly, Donald sees that. We can’t wait to see how next year’s winner tops this publicity stunt.

But seriously, do we even need to ask what went on in this morning’s meeting between the Trump and Tara that let her keep the job. Can you say BJ? (Blind Jousting?) Exactly.

ICYMI: The Notorious S.A.N.T.A.

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This Christmas season, as you get nestled all snug in your beds and prepare to settle down for a long Winter’s nap, you might want to think about leaving Santa Claus something other than some bullsh*t milk & cookies. Something more like 40′s and blunts. Don’t believe me? Then check out Santa Claus: Steady Mobbin’.