Today’s “Hey, You’re Not Looking Half Bad Award” Goes To…

by

LILOHAN.JPG

Wynona Judd. The pink lipstick adds a little youthful flair to the robust 43-year-old, and her shiny new brunette locks draw attention to her round-yet-beautiful face. We know you’ve had your ups and downs Wynny, but chins up, eh? You’re not looking half bad!

(phone ringing)

Myello? Hi. Yeah, the Wynona post… ok, right, uh-huh… wait, that’s not Wynona Judd? That’s Lindsay Lohan?! Holy f***ing sh**. F*** me up the ***** with a ****en ***. What happened to her?! Oh I. I’ve gotta go think about things. This just isn’t right. Ok. Yeah, call me when you get to Applebee’s. Cool, bye.

Ed. Note: We’ll still FedEx Wynony her award, cause upon further research, she really isn’t looking half bad. Lindsay, on the other hand, needs to start banging her Poland Springs delivery man, because this is inexcusable.

REMINDER: Scarlett Johansson Is Hot

by

scarlett-johansson-flaunt-01.jpg

Scarlett Johansson and Mrs. Marilyn Manson, a.k.a. Dita Von Teese have combined forces (and 1/2 naked bodies) for a recent Flaunt magazine layout. The point of the shoot wasn’t to promote a movie, rather it was an attempt to transform every heterosexual man in this country into a bondage/S&M loving kinky sex-freak. Nice work, Scarlett; Mission Accomplished.

Head over to Egotastic to check out the pictures. Now, I’m not about to knock Scarlett’s film career, but first the Vanity Fair cover and now this… am I the only person who enjoys her magazine layouts more than her movies?

THE DAILY HASSLE: The Greatest Hoffline of All Time

by

If you pay close attention to the career of The Hoff (and you should!), you will have observed that, in the realm of print news coverage, there are Headlines (say, “Teens ‘Egging On’ Foley in Online Sex Scandal”) and there are Hofflines (“David Hasselhoff: Princess Di Wanted Me”, for example), which address the various morsels of amazingness The Hoff and his crack team of publicity pros choose to share with the press, maybe or maybe not knowing full well that the sheer audacity of their claims will attract baffled posts from mind-blown bloggers such as this one. Anyways, this is the greatest Hoffline they have heretofore concocted:

hoffkittgay.JPG

When asked to respond, K.I.T.T. shot back, “Oh yeah, well for the record, running all over a beach with a stupid floatie thing seems like something only a total faggot would do”, his lights flashing angrily.

THE DAILY DOUCHE: Wasted Away Again In Ecstasy-ville

by

Jimmy-Buffett.jpgI don’t know if you kids already have weekend plans, but heading to the nearest body of water and sitting around on your buddy’s pontoon boat listening to “Cheeseburger In Paradise” while tripping your f*cking face off on ecstasy sure does sound like a great idea. But we can’t take credit for that little nugget of “good times” gold – the glory’s gotta go to our boy Jimmy Buffet, everyone’s favorite tropical bird head who was busted with 100 E pills, and thus deserves the honor of being named today’s Daily Douche! If we’re lucky he’ll hook up with Willie Nelson for 2007′s Psychedelic Geezers Tour!

How To Ask Out A Supermodel: Tip #1, Shave

by

Fellaaaaaaahz! Ever gone out with your lady, and wished she would magically grow a foot and expose her spinal column to you? Well now you can toss that tiny beeznatch to the side, because you — yes, YOU! — are about to find out what it takes to ask out a supermodel. Take a look at the brave David Jr., who went directly to the coked-up source to get the goods. David’s chances of getting a model to date him are pretty great, as they can definitely smell the Big Mac in his beard.

GAMES: Prizes, Arquettes, and Baldwins, Oh My!

by

baldwinthumbsup.JPGSo you waste your days reading the latest tabloid tripe on blogs like this one, but you occasionally wish there were a somehow productive application for all the inane celebrity knowledge you’ve accidentally acquired. Well kids, today is your lucky day because AOL has an (admittedly addictive) new online game called Gold Rush in which you can use your useless knowledge of pop culture trivia to win real money, like even a million dollars. Also you can access insanely surreal footage of an Arguette wearing drag whilst trying to “name that Baldwin”, which we’ve heard will be succeeded by Stephen Baldwin (probably wearing a WWJD bracelet) trying to “identify that Arquette”. Win lose or draw, that shit should be framed and hanging in the MoMA.

If Lindsay Lohan Put On A Few…

by

lohan.jpgToday Cityrag points us over to this pretty funny yet ultimately disturbing Photoshop Contest over at Worth1000. It’s called Fasting Time, and it shows us what certain celebrities would look like if they were skeletal. Sorry– if they were more skeletal.

Speaking of contests, Congratulations to Eddie Tweed for winning our BWE Billy Bob’s Board For Scoundrels Photoshop Contest. Your $1 million check* is in the mail.

*or BWE T-shirt

The Office: Dr. Crentist Will See You Now

by

DWIGHTSHRUTE.JPGLast night’s episode of The Office was ground-breaking. It proved that the writers, along with Steve Carell, have finally created the quintessential douchiest (and somehow likeable) character on television past and present. And it all happened when these four words were uttered: “Hug It Out, Bitch.” The famous line uttered by Ari Gold on Entourage, the line that has defined douchey men for the past two years now. Round of applause for the attention to Massengil detail, writers.

Three episodes into season three, the storylines are blossoming. Jim has a new love interest in Scranton, Karen (played by the daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton, Rashida), who is kind of like a Pam 3000 — sophisticated, sexy but not without a sense of humor. Is JAM not meant to be? And Dwight and Michael had their first real breakdown of power last night. Their Peanut M&M showdown made us crave chocolate and conflict and dental insurance.

And, our usual reminder, peruse the generous deleted scenes on NBC.com. Thoughts on the episode or the season as a whole? Funny, Bad, or Building?