- NO TIME TO LAUGH: Penelope Cruz- stop laughing off rumors that you and Salma Hayek are lesbian lovers. The only acceptable answers are “yes” and “yes, would you like to watch?” That’s it. (Popsugar)
- NEW, NEW IMAGE: First Tara Reid went from party girl to reformed party girl. Now she’s going from reformed party girl to 70′s trophy wife. I guess it could be worse. (I’m Not Obsessed)
- I’ll SHOW YOU MINE: Bill O’Reilly and Stephen Colbert will appear on each other’s shows. Considering they agree on everything, what could they possibly argue about? (Yahoo)
- SAN DIEGO CHARGED: Two women are suing Patriots linebacker Junior Seau for tossing drinks on them and calling them “female-specific profanities.” You can guess which ones. (The Smoking Gun)
- AUCTION: If you truely want the “world’s greatest” microwave (and I know you do), just contact Judah Friedlander. He’s looking to sell. (Collegehumor)
JAY KAY!! We kid, of course. We happen to be one of the few remaining citizens on Earth who hold Beyonce near and dear (Cue “Listen” + river of tears.) But website Media Take Out claims that Jay-Z, the one man in the world expected to love Beyonce through and through, flaws and all, has instead been manhandling the poor girl (as far as we understand it, manhandling in the unsexy, Gary-Abusey way, not the hot, primal, animal instincts kinda way… moving on.) In an expletive laden letter sent to the site, Beyonce’s assistant claims the following:
Now I’ve never seen him just flat out strike Bee, but too many times have I seem him shove and push her. At first I thought that it was just a little horse play thing between the two – but once I saw how embarrassed Bee was to be man-handled in the front of me in St. Tropez – I realized that it was no joke.
He treats Beyonce like she’s an object and not a person. The [EXPLETIVE] should be happy that a beautiful woman finally wants and loves his ugly [EXPLETIVE] for more than just what’s in his pockets.
We never really understood how Beyonce could stand being with Jay-Z in the first place. He’s got the face of a suicidal bulldog, and is hung, according to one source, “Like a one-liter Pepsi bottle… The 20-ounce bottle. Itâ€™s beyond huge. It could block the sun.” That’s a form of abuse in itself, folks! After the jump, check out video of Jay-Z putting his Gigandor-Hands on some woman’s face and pushing her out of his way, then come to your own conclusions.
First J-Hud, now Jay-Z?? Sounds like Beyonce needs a vacation… from her problems. Video after the jump.
When we first heard about Cocaine Energy Drink, we were hooked. But now that it’s been a few months and usage and skyrocketed up from a can in the morning to mainlining that cayenne-pepper tasting goodness every hour on the hour, our sweet go-go power is starting to become prohibitively expensive. Thank the narcotic gods that some good people out in San Francisco have developed a higher-octane, lower-cost, really dirty alternative called Meth Coffee. The website features a very slapped together, ramshackle, sort of insane Nebraska basement motif that has become so reminiscent of crystal meth abuse in the hearts and minds of America’s drug enthusiasts. So get off that Starbucks street corner, drop that corporate c*ck you’ve been relying on for synthetic energy, and head on over to the Meth Coffee labs where being broke won’t stop you from getting high! Sort of. In kind of a dirty way. Now all we need is Heroin sleepytime tea.
Quotes heard during the following segment on The Tyra Banks Show:
- This looks like you were straining and had diarrhea.
- Pencil Poopie
- Uuuuunnnnyh! Pop! Pop!
- Suuuper Poop!
Once again, say it with me: “Thank you Tyra.”
The folks at Pitchfork posted a brand new Bloc Party video off their upcoming album A Weekend In The City, so we just had to share it. It’s called “I Still Remember” and coincidentally, it’s a video for one of the songs we mentioned earlier. Check it out.
Great news, obese people! It’s that time of year again. NBC’s hit show The Biggest Loser is hosting open casting calls in a city near you (well, if you live in the South or Midwest)! According to the official press release, desirable candidates “should be ready to make their weight-loss dreams a reality, in addition to possessing personality, desire and a competitive edge to vie for this chance of a lifetime”. Candidates should also be ready to endure ridicule, patronizing “pep talks” from brainlessly beautiful “TV personalities”, hacky “trying to save my career” jokes from host Caroline Rhea, and have their lifelong struggles with weight reduced to a collection of insultingly stereotypical caricatures that make the vast range of their fears and frustrations simple enough to be easily understood by the people who watch this kind of crap (and often make judgements about them, despite being exactly like them). Since everyone in the Blue States are already beautiful, casting calls are being condescendingly held in Wisconsin, Tennessee, Viginia, Iowa, Texas and Ohio only. Oh, and Los Angeles – this country’s biggest urban fat magnet. Best of luck!
I sat here for about 10 minutes trying to think of something clever (yet tasteful) to say about this picture of Britney Spears, but finally just came to the realization that you people will caption it infinitely better than I could.
Because you’re not sick of Borat. Because you still haven’t heard enough about how backwards Kazakhstan is. Because the idea of horses teaching kindergarten classes kinda makes you laugh. And because you’re looking for something to do at work that isn’t actually “work.” That’s why you’re gonna play Borat Wars. And that’s why you’re going to feel the need to say “Wa Wa Wee Wa” shortly after completion.
I’m glad we got that all squared away. Now click here to play. It’s… wait for it… wait for it… Niiiiiice! Get it? Yeah.
Looks like Justin Timberlake is moving on from acne scars to bombshell Scarlett Johansson. The flirtation between SexyBack and SexyRack kicked off when Scarlett was cast to star in an upcoming Timberlake music video (without Diaz’s consent), and ever since, thetwo have been seen eye-locking all around town. To which we have to say…
That lucky bitch! First of all, present day Justin Timberlake makes present day Josh Hartnett look like an absolute a-tool box (note the new glasses and pre-pube moustache, and you’ll quickly agree.) But more importantly, being the woman who makes Cameron Diaz feel like crap has got to be the absolute best feeling on the planet.
But Cameron need not worry: We hear Edward James Olmos is barely single again and pock-markier than ever! (Get it? Because she has bad skin. See, because it’s the only thing we can really pick on her for physically. Please, let us have it.)
- The Late Greats just want to be loved. That explains why you can download a full Arcade Fire concert over there today.
- Love Controls posted the two incredible “gay-themed” tracks from the upcoming Bloc Party album. Give them a listen, and ponder why anybody was surprised that a man named Kele turned out to be gay.
- You Aint No Picasso has a radio rip of the new Kaiser Chiefs single, “Ruby”. I predict a hit.
- Get excited about the new Of Montreal album by heading over to My Old Kentucky Blog and downloading a new track.
- And finally, Untitled wants you to remember how awesome Kill Bill is. That’s why they have Nancy Sinatra’s “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)” today. But c’mon; who needs a reminder?