SIZZLER: Fed-Ex Leaves Britney a Fresnoian High-ku Message In His Dressing Room

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kfedshower.jpgOur friends at Us Weekly obtained this EXCLUSIVE!!! photo of an angry missive from Kevin Federline, scrawled on the shower door of his dressing room after a recent House of Blues show nobody probably went to. Thus spoketh the Federdouche:

Today I’m a free man
Ladies look out
F*ck a wife
Give me my kids B*tch!

You ladies should indeed “look out”. There’s now a wife-beatered trash can with delusions of rap grandeur and a sharpie on the loose. His sperm is powerful, his prose is ridiculous, and he will not hesitate to attack you with life-ruining impregnation should you allow him to get get too close.

TRAILER MIX: Eddie Murphy Makes A Triumphant Return to His Fat Suit of Hilarity

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Not to be dethroned by Shawn and Marlon Wayans in the “Black People Using Prosthetics to Dress Up As Things They Are Actually Not” Movie Genre, Eddie Murphy is back in the fat suit for Big Momma Medea’s Family Reunion with the Nutty Klumps Norbit, and based on what we’re seeing in this trailer, Eddie DID NOT forget to bring the funny. You’ve got your easy Carlos Mencia-esque racial stereotype jokes; you’ve got your slapsticky pratfalls, your repeated references to a pop song that was recently popular, and of course, the tried and true gold standard of the Eddie comedy – the hilariously angry overweight black woman character who’s actually played by Murphy himself. All the elements of a comedy classic in the making!

F*ck You! No, F*ck You!: Diet Coke + Mentos = Fun?

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Before we get to our little showdown, check out the video in question: It’s the “Diet Coke + Mentos” guys on the Ellen Degeneres show yesterday.

Bob: Okay, we get it: when you drop Mentos into bottles of Diet Coke it causes an explosion. By now we’ve all seen it done online… and hell, most of us have even tried it at home. It’s time to move on. What’s done is done. It’s old already. It’s boring. Enough with all the Mentos & Diet Coke on TV. Enough.
Michelle: I think it’s pretty.
Bob: F*ck You!
Michelle: No, f*ck you!

O.J. Hypothetically Confesses To Hypothetically Killing Two People. Hypothetically.

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Hypothetically, let’s say you murdered two people in the early 90′s. Then, hypothetically, a jury of your peers found you Not Guilty despite damning DNA evidence and an alibi with more holes in it than an old pair of gym socks. Hypothetically, let’s say that regardless of the verdict, everybody still suspects you did it (oh, side note: hypothetically, you were one hell of a running back in the NFL, but that’s besides the point.) Wouldn’t you, hypothetically, write a book about how you would’ve done it (if you did it), and appear in a TV special titled If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened. You would, right? Hypothetically.

Well, O.J. would. And he is, during a two-part interview scheduled to air on Fox. Their website already has a killer sneak peek, with O.J. declaring “I don’t think any two people could be murdered without everybody being covered in blood,” before breaking down in tears. Hypothetical tears, I think.

So set your TIVO’s for November 27 & 29. Fox has dubbed it “the interview that will shake the nation.” Because “the interview that will sneak up on the nation and stab them numerous times” would be just a little too much. Hypothetically.

While You Were Waiting for Your TomKat Wedding Invite…

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  • People Magazine names George Clooney the Sexiest Man Alive. All of America wakes up assuming they’ve secretly time-travelled back to 5 years ago when Clooney mattered, while Patrick Dempsey is put on a suicide watch.
  • What better book to read on the toilet than a book featuring women making toilet?
  • Michelle Rodriguez is outed as a lesbian. But don’t mention it to her or she’ll beat the living sh*t outta you.
  • And in totally, completely, definitely unrelated news, Eva Longoria will not be playing a lesbian in Sofia Coppola‘s Tipping the Velvet.
  • Because we realize this is turning out to be the most depressing day for straight men everywhere, we’ll throw you a bone(r): Check out this video of Queen Elizabeth walking the red carpet at the Casino Royale premiere! HAWT. xoxo Teasa Gibbons.

Best Night Ever: Tuesday, November 14th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, November 14th! Adira is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing With the Stars, Friday Night Lights, House, and Show Me the Money!

…Of The Day

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  • “DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME”: If Borat had that warning, maybe kids wouldn’t be crapping in plastic bags. (Defamer)
  • PLAY NICE, GIRLS: Pink thinks Beyonce is a bitch. If Pink was good looking this would have the potential for a sexy cat-fight. (Yeeeah)
  • HORRIBLE USE OF MYSPACE: Posting videos of little kids beating the ever-loving s**t out of each other. I was gonna make a joke about how it reminded me of being a camp counselor, but the video is just too disturbing. (TampaBays10)
  • DRUNKEN PARTY GIRL: Tara Reid has reinvented herself? Some people just won’t accept that. (Gallery Of The Absurd)
  • I LOVE ROCK & ROLL LESBIANS: Carmen Electra and Joan Jett were spotted aggressively kissing & touching. Interestingly enough, Joan is much more masculine than Carmen’s ex-husband Dave Navarro. (Celebitchy)

If You Can’t Beat the Democrats, Beat Your Wife!

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doucheocrat.JPGThis is Republican Congressman Mark Olson from Big Lake, Minnesota. To celebrate his party’s recent battery at the hands of the Democrats, Rep. Olson decided to hand out a beating of his own, allegedly “pushing his wife to the ground three times”, resulting in fresh bruises on her body. Why is it that every time we hear about a politician doing some truly f*cked up sh*t, it’s always a Republican? Sure, the Dems are no angels, and anyone who’s ever seen a Leno monologue knows that the lefties are always boozin’ and whorin’, but why does it seem like every time a kid gets cyber-molested, a racial slur gets hurled, a wife gets beaten, or a country gets needlessly destroyed on account of a wanton disregard for basic humanity, there’s always some shade-ball Republican behind the whole thing? When exactly did sociopathic behavior cease to be bi-partisan? I might never know the answers these rhetorical questions, but I do know that the Distinguished Gentleman from Minnesota is mos def today’s Daily Douche.

(via Wonkette)

ICYMI: What Could These Two Possibly Find So Funny?

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I don’t think anyone could be more stoked about Britney giving K-Fed his walking papers than Jason Alexander and Shar Jackson, the unhappy couple’s respective exes. If only everyone could know the transcendent pleasure of watching the person who broke their heart suffer through a self-destructive, two-year long meltdown, in front of hundreds of millions of people. Sure beats burning a few polaroids.

ICYMI: Things That Make You Go “Boom”

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Emeril Lagasse has “Bam!”, Teen Wolf has “Boof”, and Apple CEO Steve Jobs has “Boom!”, which is not to be confused with, “Boompth”, the sound that my piece of crap Powerbook makes during its yearly crash.

(via BoingBoing)