Hey Rachel Zoe! We know you must be feeling pretty down lately. Nicole Richie dumps you. She then basically accuses you of having an eating disorder and/or asparagus pee. Oh, and she calls you a raisin face. Mischa Barton hardly even texts anymore. You’re embarassed, you’re stressed, you’re certainly not eating… you need a rebound celeb. A young starlet so desperately in need of fashion advice, that you alone will be given sole credit for her complete transformation. Someone you can revamp, makeover, re-style and re-fabulize. Well, Rachel Zoe, sit down and let us introduce you to your next lump of clay…
Ms. Dakota Fanning! Dakota Fanning will be 13 years old in a couple of months, and yet, she insists on leaving her house looking like Little Bo Peep meets Lampshade McGinty. She needs a guru, Rachel, a “big sister”, who can hold her hand through the likes of Barneys New York and swaddle her petite but shamefully growing frame in all the season’s hottest 50-yard wraps. Need more proof?
Let’s see how lil’ Dakota would fare with Rachel’s help…
Our playabrohomies over at Defamer throws down some of their Ridiculous Flowchart Game with this hilarious guide to whether or not you already watch – or would hypothetically enjoy – Aaron Sorkin’s moderately successful new comedrama Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Click the image below to see the full-size chart.
You’ve seen the commercial– Indianapolis Colts tight end Dallas Clark catches a pass in Madden ’07, only to be drilled by two Philadelphia Eagles players over and over and over again as the folks playing the game laugh and shout and scream and groan. It seems like everybody’s having a good time… everybody except Dallas. The man is not a fan.
“Everyone is talking about my face and my grunting and the noises I make,” Clark said. “It sounds like I’m dying. I want to know why the people picked me. If they come and ask me, ‘Hey, we’re going to make you look bad, is that OK?’ (but) they didn’t ask me.”
Aww, poor guy. Watch the video here. Think he’s overreacting?
Surprise! K-Fed cheated on Britney!
According to an unnamed source, Kevin Federline was having an affair with ex-porn star Kendra Jade a month before Britney filed for divorce. Kendra, star of such hit films as Ass Clowns, Droppin’ Loads 2, and our personal favorite, I’m A Dirty Filthy C**ks**king C**t! is a 29-year-old woman from East Hampton, Massachusetts. She currently lives with “THE MOST AMAZING MAN ON THE PLANET” and has never been happier. Much like Mr. Federline, she doesn’t care if you don’t like her and she doesn’t want “to waste anymore precious time on haters.” But who does?
Kendra loves camping, paintball, tipping hot strippers, boxing, and enjoying a good fight after a bottle of jagermeister. She likes creative people, artistic people and prefers to surround herself with people who are “motivated and ambitious…and more importantly, people with values, morals and integrity.” She also finds boys with tattoos and piercings “hot as f**k.”
Want to know more? Just visit Kendra’s MySpace page. We like her. It’s good to see that Kevin’s moving up in the world. It’s about time he found himself a girl he could take home to mom.
Just last week, we reported that a manorexic-lishious Josh Hartnett had been spotted partying it up with a mystery woman while shooting his new vampire flick 30 Days of Night in Australia. Well, today more details are emerging that 1. Josh and girlfriend Scarlett Johansson have broken up; and 2. That mystery woman was actress and co-star Amber Sainsbury. The two were spotted “brunching” two days in a row… “brunching” being a euphemism for post-coital egg-eating.
Here’s what we find a little disturbing: This Amber chick looks like a Prius Hybrid of Scarlett and a really surprised Christina Ricci. And even worse, she’s kind of a borderline C-List actress. <Prepping for hate mail from Wiccan-fans of her show Hex.> The only redeeming quality we could find about the girl is that her first result on Google Image is a picture of her alongside Steve Guttenberg and Rutger Hauer. That’s gotta count for something… right? Sigh.
In the meantime, and more importantly to about half of our readers, Scarlett is now living single. Get your creepy fanboy letters out ASAP, this ain’t gonna last you guys!
We are absolutely blown away that screen giant Danny Devito can’t hold his liquor. But judging by his appearance on The View this morning, where Danny stumbled onto stage after a night out with his “boy-eee” G. Cloonz, cursed out G.W. Bush, and then sat on Rosie‘s lap like a little boy at Christmas… well, yeah, he’s tanked.
Salutations, my dearest denizens of the World Wide Web. My name is Phyllis T. Weatherford and I happen to be the vagina that belongs to Miss Britney Spears. I am aware that many of you have likely noticed me here and there (and there and there and there) this past week, and thus thought it might be nice to formally introduce myself, and share with you my intentions for the future. We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other, you and I, so let me start off by saying that it is my utmost pleasure to make your acquaintance.
I am now emerging from what can only be described as a trying time in the relatively short life of this particular vagina, finally able to enjoy a few breaths of fresh air after two oppressive years of joyless sex, repeated impregnation, and painful child-bearing. You see, when Mr. Federline was “all up in” the life of my dear sweet Britney, my entire existence consisted of serving as a sperm receptacle for the occasional instances in which that hopeless imbecile was either a) attempting his latest financial-future-securing impregnation, or b) had gotten himself “so blazed on the icky sticky and Hen” that he demanded his wife “break him off a piece of dat ass”. As you might guess, neither of these scenarios were particularly pleasant for me.
So what now?
Kid Rock attempts to get over soon-to-be ex-wife Pam Anderson by spending day with ridiculously proportioned life-like sex doll.
So much for GQ’s Newlyweds Of The Year, huh? Well, now it’s your turn. Leave your captions in the comments now!
Fans of Ali G/Borat/SB Cohen: HEAR HEAR. You must watch this British telly special called Before They Were Famous, profiling the comedian from his early beginnings in the mid-90s as a cable access tv presenter and… yes, male model! Watch these two videos and understand why. You’ll cringe at times, and certainly stifle your cubicle-snorts at others (like an early Bruno moment.) Oh, and the second half of the vid has an NSFW breast slip. (Those Europeans and their on-air nudity, we swear.)
Part II after the jump!