While You Were Googling “Screech + Sex Tape”

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  • Jessica Simpson’s dad, Joe, wants to “beat the crap” out of Bam Magera for bragging that he slept with Jessica.. Because nobody is allowed to talk about having sex with his daughters but him, dammit!
  • Charlie Sheen is set to become TV’s highest-paid sitcom star for his role on Two And A Half Men. Friends, family, and local L.A. whores are incredibly excited about the news.
  • Analysts estimate that MySpace could be worth $15 billion within three years. Suddenly Tom just got a little more attractive, didn’t he ladies?
  • Rod Stewart has vowed to get a vascectomy after he fathers one more child. No joke here; just included it because we wanted you to think of a 107-year-old Rod Stewart having sex. You’re welcome.
  • Pete Doherty, who has vowed to stay clean for girlfriend Kate Moss, was spotted shopping for syringes just 15 hours after leaving rehab. When confronted he responded, “I meant to say I’ll keep my syringes clean for Kate. It’s a start.”

…OF THE DAY

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  • SEX MOVE: “The Dick Belding”. Try it tonight! (BWE.tv)
  • MUST HAVE MEMORABILIA: K-Fed’s resume, if you’re a true collector. (Rolling Stone)
  • HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Lt. Jim Dangle of the Reno PD. Those short shorts will give people nightmares far worse than Elm Street. (CC Insider)
  • INDIE DONNY & MARIE: Rocker Jeff Tweedy is a little bit funny, and comedian Fred Armisen is a little bit rock & roll! (Scenestars)
  • TRAGIC LESSON: “Just say no” to letting Anna Nicole Smith be your mother. (People)

ICYMI: The 39-Year-Old Virgin On Tyra

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Tyra Banks is all about making dreams come true. On today’s Tyra Banks Show, she got a member of her studio audience* to come on stage and make out with a 39-year-old virgin who had never even kissed a woman before. Not bad. On that note, I think it’s time I admit that I’ve never given a woman a Dick Belding before. Come on Tyra, hook a brother up!

*by ‘audience member’ we mean ‘paid actress’ in all likelihood. Come on. Nobody’s that friendly.

Gucci’s Fall Collection: As Designed by Uli Herzner

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Maybe Project Runway contestant Uli Herzner is a little ahead of her time. Take a look at some of the dresses from Gucci’s Spring Collection from Milan Fashion Week, and tell me “zat zey wouldn’t be puh-fect for, you know, ze night out in Miah-mi, by ze pool, or in St. Tropez, on ze beach.” These dresses scream Uli.

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BWE PHOTOSHOP CONTEST: Billy Bob’s Board For Scoundrals

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Thanks to Jake for sending us this BillyBob photoshop submission. The contest is underway and we’ve already gotten a bunch of great ones. Now it’s your turn. Click here to get a blank board to work with, then email your submissions to contests@bwe.tv. We’ll post our favorites throughout the week and on Friday hand out a prize to the best of the best. We mean it this time.

Good luck!

Screecha Sutra: Dustin Diamond’s Sex Secrets

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dustyD.jpgNow that we’ve discovered Dustin Diamond’s fondness for unsavory sex moves such as the “Dirty Sanchez”, we’re left wondering about what other Advanced Bedtime Maneuvers comprise the Marquis de Screech’s boot-knocking playbook? Luckily our shadowy network of operatives has delivered us this exclusive list of a few of Dustin’s favorite positions:

The Dick Belding: In which one performs a series of generally vile sex acts until their partner is forced to finally turn around and say, “Hey hey hey, what is going on here?”

The Zack Attack: Wherein you cover your junk with “LA Look” hair gel before sexually assaulting the passed out Valley Girl you scammed into coming back to your West Hollywood basement apartment.

The Bayside Tiger: When you’re about to orgasm, you suddenly scream out the Bayside Fight Song, which is, “Beat…b-b-b-b-beat…GO BAYSIDE!!!”

The Dirty Turtle: After having sex with some stuck-up snob, piss all over their trendy multi-colored clothing.

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America’s Next Top Model: What You’re Missing

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America’s Next Top Model has consistently been one of our favorite shows on television, due in part to the hilarious recaps posted by Rich over at the FourFour blog. Rich goes into a graduate-thesis-esque analysis of last week’s premiere, including the below highlights reel that nicely sums up the general ridiculousness of host Tyra Banks. The second ep. is tonight at 8 (followed by Runway at 9), so swallow your pride, turn to the CW, and catch one of the most entertaining hours of the week — plus, it’s the makeover episode tonight!

Project Runway: Jeffrey Sebelia Responds

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SEBELIAJEFF.JPGA few days ago, we alerted you to a brewing Project Runway scandal first reported in New York Magazine. Well, of course, Jeffrey Sebelia has something to say about it. Check out his response to a Myspace message sent by one concerned fan:

Hey!!! Thanks for the concern, but all I have to say is be careful of what you read and also of what is presented in the press. Those people take any information they get (usually unfounded rumors) and just print them in order to bolster their own readership with no regard to the person they might be slandering. They are just doing their job as bottom feeding, sludge dredging, no-life having journalists.

Why we never. Listen, you gotta dredge a lotta sludge to make it in this biz. Read the rest of the diatribe after the jump…

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