Happy “Break Your New Year’s Resolutions” Day!

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christian.JPGThis morning on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck claimed that most people break their New Year’s resolutions on January 9th. Since I obtain all my daily knowledge from The View (and more specifically, Elisabeth Hasselbeck), I have no choice but to accept this as fact.

Last week BWE’s Christian Finnegan took a look at the resolutions of the random and noteworthy. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that Randy Johnson, Fergie, the Fanning sisters and everybody else on the list has the will power to buckle up and stick to the resolutions that they made. Because I really think that the world would be a much better place in ’07 if Randy re-grows his kick-ass mullet, don’t you?

AD WIZARDS: Official Vodka of the Lohanvolution

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Rehydrate. Rehabilitate. Intoxicate. Introducing Adequite, the world’s first single-grain triple-distilled luxury vodka available in a discreet plastic container that resembles an innocent – yet stylish – water bottle. Specially developed by troubled alcohol enthusiast and occasional movie actress Lindsay Lohan, Adequite is the solution to the problem you’re not ready to admit you have.

(Click image for full-size ad.)

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Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz Shows Overeager Security Guard What Emo Badassness Is All About

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Punching videos must be the theme of the day. If you sit through a couple minutes of god-awful howling and incoherent “emo rocking” in the amateur concert video below, you’ll get to witness Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz pounce from the stage onto the head of a security guard who’s being paid not very much money to protect Pete’s band from the hordes of drunken high school kids attending the show. The beatdown started after the security guard, foolishly trying to do his job, came to blows with a FOB roadie/stoner buddy who kept pulling more kids up to the crowded stage. Rejoining the band after his flying elbow drop, Wentz grabs a microphone and announces, “That’s what happens when you f*ck with my friends, you f*cking asshole!” Pretty hardcore fightin’ words from a guy who takes cellphone pictures of his c*ck.

Tigger, Please! Plushie Punches Annoying Kid

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A few days ago, we learned of an incident at Walt Disney World where Tigger, Pooh’s best friend and/or an unemployed actor in a giant tiger costume, slapping some kid across the face — and that the whole affair was caught on tape. Well, brace yourselves, because the tape has finally become public. Check it out, and then read our analysis.

Our thoughts:

1. It seems to us the kid either did something to provoke the tiger, or, considering the man is in a 100-pound plush unisuit, Tigger didn’t realize he was hitting the kid in the face. Actually, as some have pointed out, Tigger is clearly losing his balance and about to fall over the fence.

2. That being said, the kid will likely still get a good amount of money. Disney is obsessed with their sugar-coated image — take, for example, their phenomenon of exporting corpses off premises before they’re pronounced dead, so that they may tout: Disneyworld: No Dead People in 50 Years! Point being, they’ll pay this kid to shut him up…

3. And good thinking. What an annoying a-hole that teen is! We would’ve hit him to. Without the benefit of a plush-padded paw.

4. Our favorite quote: “Everyone has apologize to me but Tigger. He won’t be a man about it.”

GAMES: Trump Vs. Rosie– Fight!

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trumprosie.JPGOkay, we’ve had it with this Donald Trump / Rosie O’Donnell fight. Enough is enough. Unless the words “steel cage match” or “fight to the death” are added to this feud, we don’t want to read another word about it. Got it? Got it.

If you’re as sick of Rosie and Donald as we are, get out some frustration by playing this Rosie vs. Donald Street Fighter game. You can punch, kick, and insult your opponent into submission. If only it was that easy.

(note: Despite the fact that I just wrote about how I don’t want to read about this feud any longer, that does NOT mean that I’m not going to write about these idiots again. I have to. Like brushing my teeth, drinking my morning coffee and watching Judge Hatchett, it’s a part of my life that I just can’t ignore. Please don’t hold that against me. Thank you for understanding.)

While You Were Secretly Enjoying the Smell of Gas

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  • Page Six is reporting that Rosie O’Donnell and Barbara Walters got into a huge fight backstage prior to yesterday’s episode of The View. Rosie was mad at Barbara for not saying Donald Trump was lying when he called Rosie names because Rosie got mad at Donald for…zzz…what?
  • Paris Hilton says she’s ready to get serious about her acting career. In fact, she’s going to start by trying to not act like such a whore all the time.
  • Titanic director James Cameron is finally getting behind the camera again to make a new film called Avatar, a three hour action adventure epic about some kid’s AIM icon.
  • Britney Spears has kicked off her “Classy of ’07” initiative in a neon bikini, on a boat, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes with some K-Fed-esque white rapper wannabe sporting a doo-rag and a lower back tattoo.
  • Hilary Swank was given her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame along with another Best Actress Oscar, just for the hell of it.

Best Night Ever: Monday, January 8th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, January 8th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best moments of Monday night TV, including: Gay, Straight, or Taken, How I Met Your Mother, Deal or No Deal, and the Flavor of Love Spin Off I Love New York!

…Of The Day

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  • BIG QUESTION: Who killed hip-hop? Surprisingly, the answer is not K-Fed. (Blender)
  • SHUT THE F**K UP: Telling your blogging friends that the word “blogosphere” is stupid isn’t enough anymore. You need a T-shirt with Jules from Pulp Fiction to really make your point. (Boing Boing)
  • JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR: You shoot, Jesus saves: The figurines! (Deadspin)
  • ROCK N’ ROLL, THE NEW CLASS: Van Halen, R.E.M., and Grandmaster Flash are heading to the Hall. David Lee Roth has already begun Botoxing his face in anticipation. (Stereogum)
  • CORKY ROMAN-O, REALLY?: Chris Kattan is engaged… to a woman. No s**t? (TMZ)

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: The View Dabbles in Hypocrisy

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There’s nothing we enjoy less than a round of “When should the troops come home” on The View. But you know what’s worse than sitting through Hasselbeck‘s furrowed brow? Capping off the liberal convo with a commercial… FOR THE ARMY. What you are about to see is exactly what was shown on ABC this morning. We cut the best quotes to give you an idea of their conversation, but keep watching… we’re dumbstruck.