LISTEN UP: He’s A Space Oddity

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  • Happy Birthday David Bowie. To celebrate the man who’s inspired us and terrified us (um… Labyrinth, anybody?) go to Southcoasting and grab a couple of mp3’s.
  • What better way to say goodbye to the O.C. than by heading over to Neiles Life and downloading songs by Death Cab, Rooney, The Killers, Imogen Heap and a bunch of other bands those crazy kids loved to death.
  • If you don’t download “Black Mirror” by the Arcade Fire soon you might get your internet priveledges revoked. Gimme Tinnitus wants to help.
  • Culture Bully has a list of mp3’s that include songs by The Stooges, Joe Cocker, Jimi Hendrix and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Don’t waste another minute- get cracking.
  • And finally, a note to musicians: if you title your song “Pink Muff Dance Party” I’m going to have no choice but to link it. So thank you Songs:Illinois, thank you.

SIZZLER: Britney’s Narcolepsy Costs Her $400,000 & Career

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BRITNEYNEWYEAR.JPGOur first gossip item of the New Year involved our favorite target of ’06, Britney Spears, who within an hour of clanging the resolution bells passed out — err, fell asleep — while hosting a butterface orgy at the Las Vegas nightclub Pure. ICYMI, Spears got up to presumably inhale an 8-ball of coke and fainted dead away, causing her security guards to wrap her in a poncho and drag her out of the club.

Weylll, Pure is pissed. Because, as we all know, only the worst party hosts “fall asleep” in the middle of the affair. As a result, they want to withhold the $400,000 paycheck Britney was to be paid for hosting the party, falling asleep, and donning a poncho (conscious or not, it still hurts.) Then again, anyone in Vegas interested in dropping dead in a drug-induced coma is gonna know exactly where to make their dreams a suicide-ality.

We suggest a compromise: Split the $400,000 between Britney and K-Fed. If for nothing else, the laughs. Plus, she’ll be able to use that $200,000 for retirement, as now even her label, Jive Records, wants to drop her. We hope and pray Angelina Jolie adopts her kids soonish.

New Yorkers Confused As To Why New York Doesn’t Smell Like Urine

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In case you haven’t heard, the city of New York has been overtaken by a bizarre gassy smell today. At least that’s we’ve been reading. I just walked through Times Square and I swear it still had that famous roasted nuts/ Halaal meat/ homeless-people-urine smell it always does.

Whether the city actually smells like gas or not doesn’t matter; we have to thank Mayor Bloomberg for making the first great fart joke of 2007. “We are waiting for the gas to pass” is the early frontrunner for Best Unintentionally Hilarious Quote From A Politician this year. Don’t go handing him the award yet, though. Our President has 357 days left to say something funnier… and as the back to back to back to back to back to back winner, you have to assume he’ll say something that makes “we are wating for the gas to pass” sound like “I have a dream” by July.

ICYMI: Rosie O’Donnell Responds to Trump, Gets Perm

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You wouldn’t think Rosie O’Donnell was necessarily classier than Donald Trump… and she may not be. (Note: We base class on a Marble Columns Per Foyer (MCPF) ratio.) But we found her (hopefully final) response to the entire Trump melee lucid, mature and endearing… though she’s really managed to take the comedy out of his combover. That perm isn’t really helping her cause either.

Feel free to tell us in the comments how sick you are of both of them, and we’ll try our best to stop posting response clips.

TV: You’re Not The One That I Want to Watch

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GREASE.JPGWe raced home last night in order to catch You’re the One That I Want, the new NBC reality show where millions of talentless blowhards vie for the chance to play Sandy and Danny Zucko in the stage production of Grease. For whatever reason, we were won over by the ads, a colorful sing-songy commercial featuring hundreds of Sandy’s (all white except for one Asian girl) flirting with thousands of gay men in leather jackets.

The reality of this show is much harsher. How many times can the average human being sit through various renditions of Grease songs? 5 times? 10? And shame on the producers and judges for allowing the heavyset women to advance to the dance round, when you know and they know that they were going to be cut! NBC clearly wants in on the American Idol pie, but considering there are under 20 songs in Grease, its lasting power is minimal. We’re counting down the days when the show is moved to the only channel with a following that might actually care… Bravo. The show is appropriately hosted by Billy Bush, the only man more annoying than the Grease soundtrack. Overall, we will not be watching it again.

On the other hand, we were a little surprised/dismayed at how much we enjoyed The Apprentice: L.A.… the same way we enjoy being roofied/felt up by a drunk one-eyed banker in the back of a cab… i.e. fave show of the year!

TRAILER MIX: The Only Movie About Evil Killer Sheep You Need To See This Year (Probably)

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You might not know this, but prior to his legendary DUI arrest, Mel Gibson wasn’t just drinking at Moonshadows Bar & Grill – he was also there working on a screenplay for a movie idea that came to him in the men’s room after his sixth Singapore Sling. Set for relase later this year from Gibson’s production company Icon Entertainment, this is that movie:

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: You Decide When

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museumnight1.jpg1. Listening to Wilford Brimley read from a high school history textbook for two hours would have been more entertaining than this movie, and way funnier – $24 million

2. I love movies where impoverished people who are really nice keep getting held down by The Man, but through sheer Willpower and determination somehow manage to overcome the oppressive hopelessness of the American class system. Because, really, that’s how life is – $13 million

3. “Quietus. You decide when.” But seriously, this movie is amazing. Go see it – $10.2 million

4. YES! Yet another movie in which an idealistic educator is forced to use unconventional teaching methods in order to get through to a class of violent, unruly drug dealers and gang members from the hood$9.7 million

5. I heard that someone is making a musical about the cast of this musical. It’s called Famewhores$8.8 million

While You Were Celebrating Global Warming

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  • Anna Nicole Smith is attempting to set up dummy corporations to protect the vast fortune she may inherit, ensuring that the likely father of her child, Larry Birkhead, won’t be able to get his hands on any of it. This is a little trick she learned from back in her stripping days, when she’d hide her earnings between her two fake breasts.
  • Brad Pitt says he wants to have to more children with Angelina Jolie, which is really just a classy way of saying he wants to have more unprotected sex with Angelina Jolie.
  • Britney and K-Fed have come to an agreement regarding the custody of their kids. They both agree that the paid nannies and servants should retain full guardianship of the children while the Spears-Federlines continue their journeys towards self destruction.
  • Oprah Winfrey fell victim to a $1.5 million blackmail scheme. I knew Dave Chappelle was hard up, but jeez – he didn’t have to threaten the poor lady with all those dirty phone calls.
  • This is why we love Lindsay Lohan: moments after being released from the hospital following her “surgery”, she filled up a water bottle with vodka and hit the clubs.

Best Night Ever for Sunday, January 7th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, January 7th! Michael Cyril Creighton is here to walk you through the best moments of Sunday night TV, including: Desperate Housewives, Grease: You’re the One that I Want, Surreal Life Fame Game, and the Donald goes to Cali with the Apprentice Los Angeles!

Michael blogs at perpetuallynauseous.blogspot.com