UPDATE: Paris Hilton Is Still An Idiot

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pariscar.jpgIf you’ve ever visited Splash News, you’d know that their bread and butter is taking pictures of celebrities doing things 24/7. (look! Courtney Cox is walking a dog! Jackpot!) Recently, though, a couple of photographers got some unexpected excitement when Paris Hilton ran out of gas; proving once and for all that she really does lead a Simple Life. Do your best not to laugh when the socialite whines “I’ve never put gas in this car. I forgot” in her trying-to-be-adorable baby voice. You’ll only encourage her.

If you want to watch the video of Paris’ car stalling, click here. But if you want to watch the video of Paris’ career stalling, click here instead.

Renée Zellweger Actually Does Smell Something Bad

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Rene.JPGYou know how everytime you see Renée Zellweger, you’re all “who farted?” Well, it turns out, Renée’s laziness farted, as the actress finally took the time to explain her perma-stink expression:

The ‘Miss Potter’ actress has been so busy with work and away from her home so much recently she has completely neglected her domestic responsibilities.

She said: “I need to clean my house! It’s so messy now it’s practically uninhabitable. There are probably mice and cockroaches there by now!”

So now you know. Renée Zellweger lives like a hobo with a Prada bindle. You may continue on with your duties of the day.

Donald Trump’s Fake War With Rosie Yields Roughly Same Results As President Bush’s With Iraq

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trumpmoron.jpgDid you watch last night’s premiere of the new season of The Apprentice? Neither did I. In fact, last night was the lowest rated season premiere in the show’s history, finishing in third place after Desperate Housewives and Cold Case (which I’ve never even heard of). So now that “Operation: Total Jackass” – in which Donald Trump spent the entire holiday season tirelessly appearing on every celebrity news program in existence to call Rosie O’Donnell childish names – has clearly failed to drum up enough “scandal” publicity to jump-charge the flat-lining ratings for his show, The Donald must head back to the drawing board to cobble together yet another fake-harebrained scheme for getting people to watch a reality program about whether or not a bunch of aspiring yuppie d-bags can convince one enormous yuppie d-bag to give them a spot in his bloated empire of yuppie d-baggery (this year, it’s set in LA!). So far, “Plan B” publicity ideas include a) calling Anderson Cooper a “faggot” during a primetime CNN interview, b) slipping footage of a coked up Miss USA having a lesbian 3-way into the show, and c) finding “The Nielsons” (whoever they are) and having them killed.

LISTEN UP: He’s A Space Oddity

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  • Happy Birthday David Bowie. To celebrate the man who’s inspired us and terrified us (um… Labyrinth, anybody?) go to Southcoasting and grab a couple of mp3’s.
  • What better way to say goodbye to the O.C. than by heading over to Neiles Life and downloading songs by Death Cab, Rooney, The Killers, Imogen Heap and a bunch of other bands those crazy kids loved to death.
  • If you don’t download “Black Mirror” by the Arcade Fire soon you might get your internet priveledges revoked. Gimme Tinnitus wants to help.
  • Culture Bully has a list of mp3’s that include songs by The Stooges, Joe Cocker, Jimi Hendrix and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Don’t waste another minute- get cracking.
  • And finally, a note to musicians: if you title your song “Pink Muff Dance Party” I’m going to have no choice but to link it. So thank you Songs:Illinois, thank you.

SIZZLER: Britney’s Narcolepsy Costs Her $400,000 & Career

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BRITNEYNEWYEAR.JPGOur first gossip item of the New Year involved our favorite target of ’06, Britney Spears, who within an hour of clanging the resolution bells passed out — err, fell asleep — while hosting a butterface orgy at the Las Vegas nightclub Pure. ICYMI, Spears got up to presumably inhale an 8-ball of coke and fainted dead away, causing her security guards to wrap her in a poncho and drag her out of the club.

Weylll, Pure is pissed. Because, as we all know, only the worst party hosts “fall asleep” in the middle of the affair. As a result, they want to withhold the $400,000 paycheck Britney was to be paid for hosting the party, falling asleep, and donning a poncho (conscious or not, it still hurts.) Then again, anyone in Vegas interested in dropping dead in a drug-induced coma is gonna know exactly where to make their dreams a suicide-ality.

We suggest a compromise: Split the $400,000 between Britney and K-Fed. If for nothing else, the laughs. Plus, she’ll be able to use that $200,000 for retirement, as now even her label, Jive Records, wants to drop her. We hope and pray Angelina Jolie adopts her kids soonish.

New Yorkers Confused As To Why New York Doesn’t Smell Like Urine

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In case you haven’t heard, the city of New York has been overtaken by a bizarre gassy smell today. At least that’s we’ve been reading. I just walked through Times Square and I swear it still had that famous roasted nuts/ Halaal meat/ homeless-people-urine smell it always does.

Whether the city actually smells like gas or not doesn’t matter; we have to thank Mayor Bloomberg for making the first great fart joke of 2007. “We are waiting for the gas to pass” is the early frontrunner for Best Unintentionally Hilarious Quote From A Politician this year. Don’t go handing him the award yet, though. Our President has 357 days left to say something funnier… and as the back to back to back to back to back to back winner, you have to assume he’ll say something that makes “we are wating for the gas to pass” sound like “I have a dream” by July.

ICYMI: Rosie O’Donnell Responds to Trump, Gets Perm

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You wouldn’t think Rosie O’Donnell was necessarily classier than Donald Trump… and she may not be. (Note: We base class on a Marble Columns Per Foyer (MCPF) ratio.) But we found her (hopefully final) response to the entire Trump melee lucid, mature and endearing… though she’s really managed to take the comedy out of his combover. That perm isn’t really helping her cause either.

Feel free to tell us in the comments how sick you are of both of them, and we’ll try our best to stop posting response clips.

TV: You’re Not The One That I Want to Watch

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GREASE.JPGWe raced home last night in order to catch You’re the One That I Want, the new NBC reality show where millions of talentless blowhards vie for the chance to play Sandy and Danny Zucko in the stage production of Grease. For whatever reason, we were won over by the ads, a colorful sing-songy commercial featuring hundreds of Sandy’s (all white except for one Asian girl) flirting with thousands of gay men in leather jackets.

The reality of this show is much harsher. How many times can the average human being sit through various renditions of Grease songs? 5 times? 10? And shame on the producers and judges for allowing the heavyset women to advance to the dance round, when you know and they know that they were going to be cut! NBC clearly wants in on the American Idol pie, but considering there are under 20 songs in Grease, its lasting power is minimal. We’re counting down the days when the show is moved to the only channel with a following that might actually care… Bravo. The show is appropriately hosted by Billy Bush, the only man more annoying than the Grease soundtrack. Overall, we will not be watching it again.

On the other hand, we were a little surprised/dismayed at how much we enjoyed The Apprentice: L.A.… the same way we enjoy being roofied/felt up by a drunk one-eyed banker in the back of a cab… i.e. fave show of the year!

TRAILER MIX: The Only Movie About Evil Killer Sheep You Need To See This Year (Probably)

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You might not know this, but prior to his legendary DUI arrest, Mel Gibson wasn’t just drinking at Moonshadows Bar & Grill – he was also there working on a screenplay for a movie idea that came to him in the men’s room after his sixth Singapore Sling. Set for relase later this year from Gibson’s production company Icon Entertainment, this is that movie: