- NAME CHANGE: Porn star Mary Carey needs to think of a new name thanks to a Mariah Carey lawsuit. That means she’s gonna have to use her head for something other than… well, you know. Head. (Cityrag)
- THE MAN’S A FIGHTER: Sylvester Stallone attacked the Mexican border fence. Fence declares “There ain’t gonna be no rematch.” (LA Times)
- GENUINE SINCERITY: Gawker writes its first-ever snark-free post to share a clip of New York’s Subway Superman. It couldn’t come at a better time. (Gawker)
- WELCOME BACK: Britney Spears updates her website! Presumably while spread eagle! (Idolator)
- JACKASS: Now Bam Majera says he didn’t have sex with Jessica Simpson. The guy must be really scared of John Mayer. (Celebitchy)
The folks at Radar decided to take one for the team and dive head first into the wonderful world of breasts. Those lucky bastards.
“With 2007 marking 100 years since the invention of the brassiere, it would seem that boob obsession is alive, robust, and more pervasive than ever…”
Um, ya think? If you want to learn more about why Suzanne Somers had a career, check out In Loving Mammary. It’s quite titillating*.
*Yes, I know that’s a terrible joke.
**Yes, I’m overcompensating. I’m sorry.
Gyno-in-Training Akira demanded a medical school refund when he learned he wouldn’t be seeing a real human vagina for at least another 3 months.
Yes, we know we told you about robo-vagines yesterday, but the above picture still disturbs us immensely. Look at her face! That was literally my expression while watching National Lampoon’s European Vacation 15 some-odd years ago.
Leave your caption in the comments!
- If you live in NYC, you might be currently sharing the pain I’m currently experiencing from having not been able to get my hands on a ticket to one of the five Arcade Fire shows that sold out in less than 10 minutes. If so, ease your aching heart by downloading a leak over at Neiles Life.
- Idolator is molesting some new indie band called The Format.
- Aquarium Drunkard has a few little ditties from Bonnie “Prince” Billy that are pretty “like” good.
- In honor of Phish’s fluffhead frontman getting popped for his stash of smack, Goldenfiddle has posted a song from his album “Rift”.
- Said the Gramophone has a new song by The Giggles called “Alarm Clock, I Hate You”. Who couldn’t agree with that?
We know this video is, like, SO OLD (it was posted on YouTube on December 28th. In blog years, that makes it ancient) but we had to share this video anyway. Here’s the inevitable response to SNL’s “D**k In A Box”– Box In A Box. You knew this was coming.
Rejoice, America – for today our venerable legal system served justice in a most inspiring manner! Almost all criminal charges filed against Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis for filming underage girls have been dropped. Yay! It’s nice to know we live in a land of liberty, where all men are created equal, and all men (who own a video camera) have the right to ply naive, insecure children with alcohol until they become so intoxicated that they agree to waggle their little breasts around so some sleazebag multi-millionaire can slap them onto a DVD and sell them to drunk frat guys and insomniac pedophiles on infomercials at two in the morning. Not since Brown vs. the Board of Education have our courts so supremely held up the values of what is right and just in our society. Congratulations, Joe Francis – you are a patriot and a hero. Child pornography is legal!
First it was jump cuts of Donald Trump free-associating his feelings about Rosie O’Donnell’s weight problems and sexual orientation. Now the good folks at Entertainment Tonight have given the Internet this gift of James Brown’s grieving (and very medicated) widow doing her best “crazy lady on the street corner” rant about her husband’s unfortunate – but not really untimely – death. Could these little montages of outlandish statements taken completely out of context be the hottest thing to happen to inane celeb gossip since TMZ started filming drunk kids babbling obscenities? Stay tuned to find out!
Today, much to the surprise of my friends, family and… me, I was forced out of the closet. The culprit: InTouch magazine.
Out of the hundreds and hundreds of posts I’ve written for BWE.tv, they had to pick that quote, didn’t they?
I just got off the phone with my mom and reassured her that I’m still straight (her response: “Bobby, you’re my son, I’ll love you no matter what” came a little too quickly… like she’s been waiting for this or something) and my friends have already IM’d me to let me know that Justin is currently available and “on the rebound.” Thanks everybody.
Now I know how Doogie must’ve felt. Perez- you stay away.
Are you the kind of gal who thinks eating bats is an aphrodesiac? Does the thought of a thirty-five year-old man in face paint and eyeliner make your bodyheat rise? Do you spend the majority of your lonely, isolated life trolling the aisles of Hot Topic for the latest Tarot cards? Well good news! Because burlesque beauty Dita Von Teese, having had it with hubby Marilyn Manson’s freakshow antics, filed for divorce. But one goth’s loss is another’s gain, and that means it’s time to start composing your very worst bad poetry, break out your most expensive black fishnets and platform shoes, and get yourself to the nearest industrial-techno-vampire club in hopes that Marilyn might show up in your town and make you his next dark princess!
A big thank you to NBC, who didn’t wait long after ’07 to deliver a brand new eppy of The Office. The Christmas cliffhanger had us guessing who Michael was taking with him to an all-inclusive Sandals resort in Jamaica… more like Janaica, if you read us. Michael returns to his Dunderlings with 3 beads dangling in his hair, a faux “Hey Mon” accent, and a certain glow we had trouble putting our finger on. Turns out Michael took Jan, aka “Urkel Grue”, whose near nude topless photo ends up in the wrong hands… that is to say, everyone’s hands. In the meantime, Karen and Jim have their first fight, and Pam steps it up to make sure the two stay together, only to have a sobbing breakdown in the end. (Let’s not even talk about Dwight’s “Who did this to you? Where is he?” heroism. Angela’s in very safe, calloused hands.)
So, folks, Michael and Jan — the couple we’ve really been waiting to see get together — are dating! Romantically, this is exciting, but the comedic possibilities with this relationship are endless. It also means there will be an increase in Carelliness-per-episode, which is always a good thing. Case in point: The first NBC deleted scene.
Do you guys see a future for Michael and Jan? Or do I need to realize that this is a fictitious sit-com involving written characters? *
*Don’t answer that.