CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: You Decide When

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museumnight1.jpg1. Listening to Wilford Brimley read from a high school history textbook for two hours would have been more entertaining than this movie, and way funnier – $24 million

2. I love movies where impoverished people who are really nice keep getting held down by The Man, but through sheer Willpower and determination somehow manage to overcome the oppressive hopelessness of the American class system. Because, really, that’s how life is – $13 million

3. “Quietus. You decide when.” But seriously, this movie is amazing. Go see it – $10.2 million

4. YES! Yet another movie in which an idealistic educator is forced to use unconventional teaching methods in order to get through to a class of violent, unruly drug dealers and gang members from the hood$9.7 million

5. I heard that someone is making a musical about the cast of this musical. It’s called Famewhores$8.8 million

While You Were Celebrating Global Warming

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  • Anna Nicole Smith is attempting to set up dummy corporations to protect the vast fortune she may inherit, ensuring that the likely father of her child, Larry Birkhead, won’t be able to get his hands on any of it. This is a little trick she learned from back in her stripping days, when she’d hide her earnings between her two fake breasts.
  • Brad Pitt says he wants to have to more children with Angelina Jolie, which is really just a classy way of saying he wants to have more unprotected sex with Angelina Jolie.
  • Britney and K-Fed have come to an agreement regarding the custody of their kids. They both agree that the paid nannies and servants should retain full guardianship of the children while the Spears-Federlines continue their journeys towards self destruction.
  • Oprah Winfrey fell victim to a $1.5 million blackmail scheme. I knew Dave Chappelle was hard up, but jeez – he didn’t have to threaten the poor lady with all those dirty phone calls.
  • This is why we love Lindsay Lohan: moments after being released from the hospital following her “surgery”, she filled up a water bottle with vodka and hit the clubs.

Best Night Ever for Sunday, January 7th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, January 7th! Michael Cyril Creighton is here to walk you through the best moments of Sunday night TV, including: Desperate Housewives, Grease: You’re the One that I Want, Surreal Life Fame Game, and the Donald goes to Cali with the Apprentice Los Angeles!

Michael blogs at perpetuallynauseous.blogspot.com

…Of The Day

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  • NAME CHANGE: Porn star Mary Carey needs to think of a new name thanks to a Mariah Carey lawsuit. That means she’s gonna have to use her head for something other than… well, you know. Head. (Cityrag)
  • THE MAN’S A FIGHTER: Sylvester Stallone attacked the Mexican border fence. Fence declares “There ain’t gonna be no rematch.” (LA Times)
  • GENUINE SINCERITY: Gawker writes its first-ever snark-free post to share a clip of New York’s Subway Superman. It couldn’t come at a better time. (Gawker)
  • WELCOME BACK: Britney Spears updates her website! Presumably while spread eagle! (Idolator)
  • JACKASS: Now Bam Majera says he didn’t have sex with Jessica Simpson. The guy must be really scared of John Mayer. (Celebitchy)

Radar Remembers The Breast Years Of Our Lives

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playboy.pngThe folks at Radar decided to take one for the team and dive head first into the wonderful world of breasts. Those lucky bastards.

“With 2007 marking 100 years since the invention of the brassiere, it would seem that boob obsession is alive, robust, and more pervasive than ever…”

Um, ya think? If you want to learn more about why Suzanne Somers had a career, check out In Loving Mammary. It’s quite titillating*.

*Yes, I know that’s a terrible joke.
**Yes, I’m overcompensating. I’m sorry.

Caption This! What, Exactly, Is So Funny?

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Gyno-in-Training Akira demanded a medical school refund when he learned he wouldn’t be seeing a real human vagina for at least another 3 months.

Yes, we know we told you about robo-vagines yesterday, but the above picture still disturbs us immensely. Look at her face! That was literally my expression while watching National Lampoon’s European Vacation 15 some-odd years ago.

Leave your caption in the comments!

LISTEN UP: Arcade Fired

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  • If you live in NYC, you might be currently sharing the pain I’m currently experiencing from having not been able to get my hands on a ticket to one of the five Arcade Fire shows that sold out in less than 10 minutes. If so, ease your aching heart by downloading a leak over at Neiles Life.
  • Idolator is molesting some new indie band called The Format.
  • Aquarium Drunkard has a few little ditties from Bonnie “Prince” Billy that are pretty “like” good.
  • In honor of Phish’s fluffhead frontman getting popped for his stash of smack, Goldenfiddle has posted a song from his album “Rift”.
  • Said the Gramophone has a new song by The Giggles called “Alarm Clock, I Hate You”. Who couldn’t agree with that?

PROPPED: My Box In A Box

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We know this video is, like, SO OLD (it was posted on YouTube on December 28th. In blog years, that makes it ancient) but we had to share this video anyway. Here’s the inevitable response to SNL’s “D**k In A Box”– Box In A Box. You knew this was coming.

Thanks to Saphronjenkins for dropping this. Got something you want us to see? Drop it now!

Joe Francis Sets Triumphant Precedent In All Future “Pornographic Exploitation of Children” Cases

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joefrancis1.jpgRejoice, America – for today our venerable legal system served justice in a most inspiring manner! Almost all criminal charges filed against Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis for filming underage girls have been dropped. Yay! It’s nice to know we live in a land of liberty, where all men are created equal, and all men (who own a video camera) have the right to ply naive, insecure children with alcohol until they become so intoxicated that they agree to waggle their little breasts around so some sleazebag multi-millionaire can slap them onto a DVD and sell them to drunk frat guys and insomniac pedophiles on infomercials at two in the morning. Not since Brown vs. the Board of Education have our courts so supremely held up the values of what is right and just in our society. Congratulations, Joe Francis – you are a patriot and a hero. Child pornography is legal!