UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Emma On Ellen

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Time to let you in on a little secret; while you’re working hard all day we’re watching televison. Corny soaps, angry judges, blabbering talk show hosts– we’re on top of it. Those of you working 9-5′s, stuck in high school, or enrolled in a college class that actually enforses an attendance policy really don’t know what you’re missing. That’s why we want to share our favorite daytime TV moments with you. Moments like this one, from yesterday’s Ellen. It’s not everyday you see a two-time Oscar winner pole dancing to “I’m A Slave 4 U” while a lesbian talk show host throws dollar bills at her, is it? Yeah… didn’t think so.

Thanks Ellen. And thank you, Emma Thompson. The Academy approves.

CAPTION THIS! Salmammary Hayek

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Caption This! brought to you by Stranger Than Fiction, in theaters November 10th.
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Excutive Producer Salma Hayek gives us two big reasons to start tuning into Ugly Betty every week.

Head over to MetaDish for more pictures of Salma going down… in an elevator (note: Or up. Who cares?) Now it’s your turn; leave your Captions in the Comments now!

SIZZLER: Lohan Calls Paris A Crotch-Related Epithet, Uses Less Imagery

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Unlike Brandon Davis, who’s the Shakespeare of shouting pointless drunken celebrity insults at nearby cameras, it would appear that Lindsay Lohan prefers her prose to be more short and to the point – sort of like a Hemingway of the ho-bag set. In this latest club-departing battle in the starlet’s ongoing Whore War with Paris’ Posse, Lohan calls Hilton a c*nt, then giggles and says she’s “just kidding” and that she “loves Paris”. Did Lohan really mean what she said, or could the young poet have finally discovered the literary device known to the rest of us as “irony”? And if she is wryly satirizing her own image in the tabloids, can the world really withstand the philosophical ramifications of someone like Lindsay Lohan becoming self-aware on such a metaphysical plane?

Photoshoppers Make Keira Knightly… Knightlier

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KEIRAKNIGHTLEYCUBE.JPGWorth1000 is a photoshopping contest site that, on a fairly regular basis, offers up the challenge of photoshopping our favorite celebrities into brand new and sometimes strange creatures. Recently, they challenged their digital artists to recreate some of our favorite celebs as Cubist Blockheads. Some are better than others (note how Elijah Wood would make an rexcellent Max Headroom eplacement.) But our favorite entry, hands down, would have to be this “reimagining” of Keira Knightley… if only because its creator realized that hardly any photoshopping was needed. Because she’s a natural born cubehead. Look at that pic! She’s never looked Knightlier. (Link via Cityrag)

A Guide To Recognizing Your Baldwins

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baldwin_exclusive_mugshot.jpgWith Daniel Baldwin out there getting himself arrested for the highest game of Grand Theft Auto anyone has ever played, it is now more important than ever to make sure we all know which of Hollywood’s Baldwin Dynasty we’re dealing with, as to ensure the less criminal brothers avoid suffering any unnecessary disgrace (beyond that which they already bring upon themselves in the course of their day). This handy guide should be printed and kept on your person at all times:

Name: Daniel Baldwin

As Seen In: The Real Deal, Vegas Vamps, Irish Eyes, Prison

Best Known For: His small roles in late-night Cinemax movies, drug problems and constantly disgracing the sacred Baldwin name.

Can Probably Be Found: Tooling around the Valley in a stolen car, flying high on crystal meth, looking for some guy he’s convinced “owes him”.

Fun Fact: Is the only one of the four Baldwin brothers to not receive a Razzie nomination. He did, however, receive bail in the amount of $20,000.

Read more…

Wacky Golf Cap Actually Emancipated Head Warmer

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When photos surfaced two days ago of a newly single, carefree Britney Spears skating around Rockefeller Center in a newly purchased Gap v-neck and oddly childish white knit golf cap topped with a pom-pom, everyone marveled at how adorable Britney looked. “She’s back!” we cried, pumping our fists in the air, shredding our angry letters to K-Fed asking him to dial the douche down a crotch.

Last night, while K-Fed was off rapping some fresh beats to the deaf wing of a Children’s Hospital somewhere, Britney was “out on the town” in a little black minidress and… the same, knit white golf cap. Then, this morning, she was (gulp) spotted (cotton mouth) wearing the very same… (dry cough) white knit… (sandthroat) golfcap. Mind you, it’s a balmy 68 degrees in New York today. She’s not wearing the hat to remain anonymous, as clearly she’s the only person ballsy enough to purchase it. So what is it with that hat? Is its innate goofiness just wacky enough to make Britney feel like a kid again? Or is this some sort of security blankyish device to make her feel cozy? Or is it actually hiding a tin-foil yarmulke used to prevent the CIA from reading her thoughts? So many choices.

FedEx Always Delivers

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kfed chicacoconcert.jpgK-Fed performed at Chicago’s House of Blues last night for the low-low price of Free. When he wasn’t revelling in his newly single status or asking ladies if they want to “dance with a pimp”, apparently he was battling with his “fans.” Like this guy from craigslist’s “Rants & Raves” section:

I wore a FedEx shirt and cut out a piece of a big fedex box and brought it in with me. Nice, eh? So Gay-Fed goes on stage and I manage to work my way up through the 400 people or so, to within 5 feet of the stage. The first song is some bulls**t song about sticking the middle finger up…well, I did, along with the FedEx sign. haha, so during the song, mr. fed looks at me and just says “f**k you” ah, I gave it right back to him…

…Soon I was grabbed by the shirt and pulled out of the show. Security explained to me that “Mr. Federline” took a break to talk to them and wanted me removed from the show, it wasnt their (House of Blues) decision but his(Federline).

Read the rest of it here. There’s no way to tell if this Craigslist story is true (just like there’s no way to tell if that girl you’re supposed to meet through “Casual Encounters” will actually be a woman), but we hope it is. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the guy who was thrown out didn’t let the incident impact his feelings about the performance.

“BTW his music f**king blows.”

Fair enough.

Denise Richards Injures 80-Year-Old Woman in Wheelchair

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RICHARDS.JPGFrankly, the above headline is enough to satisfy our gossip palettes til at least dinnertime. But for those professors out there who need “the facts”, here they are. Denise Richards is currently in Canada filming Oscar-hopeful Blonde and Blonder. The actress, best known for her starring role in I Bang Sleazebags Exclusively, noticed two unauthorized paparazzi on set, stormed over to them, and threw their laptops over the balcony of the hotel. This would be a really empowering, kind of kick-ass, “Take Back The Night” story… had the laptops not hit an 80-year-old woman in a wheelchair down below.

The elderly woman wasn’t badly injured — the laptop struck her in the arm — and refused to press charges. The real tragedy of all this? That no one was on hand to capture pictures of Richards in all her post-traumatic-divorcee rage. Can you say Sheen Family Christmas Card?

BWE SPORTS: Oh Mandy Randy

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When one of the NFL’s most bad-ass players (Randy Moss) signed with its most bad-ass franchise (The Oakland Raiders), everybody was pumped. His jersey started showing up in more rap videos than P. Diddy and everybody was excited to see how he’d do in the silver & black. Flash forward to 2006: The Raiders suck and Moss has pretty much disappeared. So how have the Oakland fans voiced their displeasure? Through song, naturally.

That was much, much more elegant than booing. Eagles fans take note. (link via Gorillamask)