ICYMI: ET Bursts Onto Viral Video Scene With “Crazy Celebrities Quoted Out of Context” Clips

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First it was jump cuts of Donald Trump free-associating his feelings about Rosie O’Donnell’s weight problems and sexual orientation. Now the good folks at Entertainment Tonight have given the Internet this gift of James Brown’s grieving (and very medicated) widow doing her best “crazy lady on the street corner” rant about her husband’s unfortunate – but not really untimely – death. Could these little montages of outlandish statements taken completely out of context be the hottest thing to happen to inane celeb gossip since TMZ started filming drunk kids babbling obscenities? Stay tuned to find out!

I’ve Been Lanced!

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Today, much to the surprise of my friends, family and… me, I was forced out of the closet. The culprit: InTouch magazine.
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Out of the hundreds and hundreds of posts I’ve written for BWE.tv, they had to pick that quote, didn’t they?

I just got off the phone with my mom and reassured her that I’m still straight (her response: “Bobby, you’re my son, I’ll love you no matter what” came a little too quickly… like she’s been waiting for this or something) and my friends have already IM’d me to let me know that Justin is currently available and “on the rebound.” Thanks everybody.

Now I know how Doogie must’ve felt. Perez- you stay away.

SIZZLER: Good News, Ladies – Marilyn Manson Is Back On the Market!

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20051205-marilyn_dita.jpgAre you the kind of gal who thinks eating bats is an aphrodesiac? Does the thought of a thirty-five year-old man in face paint and eyeliner make your bodyheat rise? Do you spend the majority of your lonely, isolated life trolling the aisles of Hot Topic for the latest Tarot cards? Well good news! Because burlesque beauty Dita Von Teese, having had it with hubby Marilyn Manson’s freakshow antics, filed for divorce. But one goth’s loss is another’s gain, and that means it’s time to start composing your very worst bad poetry, break out your most expensive black fishnets and platform shoes, and get yourself to the nearest industrial-techno-vampire club in hopes that Marilyn might show up in your town and make you his next dark princess!

The Office: Officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That’s all I’m going to say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.

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1JAMAICA.JPGA big thank you to NBC, who didn’t wait long after ’07 to deliver a brand new eppy of The Office. The Christmas cliffhanger had us guessing who Michael was taking with him to an all-inclusive Sandals resort in Jamaica… more like Janaica, if you read us. Michael returns to his Dunderlings with 3 beads dangling in his hair, a faux “Hey Mon” accent, and a certain glow we had trouble putting our finger on. Turns out Michael took Jan, aka “Urkel Grue”, whose near nude topless photo ends up in the wrong hands… that is to say, everyone’s hands. In the meantime, Karen and Jim have their first fight, and Pam steps it up to make sure the two stay together, only to have a sobbing breakdown in the end. (Let’s not even talk about Dwight’s “Who did this to you? Where is he?” heroism. Angela’s in very safe, calloused hands.)

So, folks, Michael and Jan — the couple we’ve really been waiting to see get together — are dating! Romantically, this is exciting, but the comedic possibilities with this relationship are endless. It also means there will be an increase in Carelliness-per-episode, which is always a good thing. Case in point: The first NBC deleted scene.

Do you guys see a future for Michael and Jan? Or do I need to realize that this is a fictitious sit-com involving written characters? *

*Don’t answer that.

ICYMI: Trump Swears He’ll Never Let Rosie Go

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On yesterday’s Today show, Donald Trump and daughter Ivanka, aka Snobtown Sally, sat in with Ex-View-Matron Meredith Viera to promote the upcoming season of his show, The Mudslinger. Here’s the good news: Trump is still waxing crazy on the Rosie O’Donnell scandal! The bad news? He has completely sucked every ounce of humor out of their feud. Enjoy?

(via ONTD)

While You Were 23 Going On Reanimated Corpse…

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  • Ladies and Gentlemen, we are less than pleased to present, Britney Spears 2007. Looks like it’s that “time of the month”… time to go to rehab. But seriously, folks, is it possible to lose a chromosome in the course of a few days? This picture says obvs.
  • Oh dear lord, Tyra Banks might have a sex tape… do you think her “thing” is bigger than Screech‘s? And how long until a hilarious “Paaaanty Paaaaarty!!” mash-up appears on Youtube?
  • When doctors got the call that Lindsay Lohan was on her way into the hospital, they began preparing their stomach pumps and sterilizing their adrenaline shots as is standard procedure. Well, you can imagine the looks on their faces when it turned out she needed her appendix removed! Actually, they appeared pretty blase.
  • Informal Poll: Is it just maybe possible that Robert Goulet will upstage Prince at this year’s Superbowl? This photo tells us it’s a maybe.
  • Finally: Yay! Little Abigail Breslin was nominated for a SAG Award for Little Miss Sunshine. And she didn’t even get raped in it, Dakota Fanning.

…Of The Day

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  • TEXT MESSAGES: K-Fed booty-texting Lindsay Lohan? Lindsay denying him? K-Fed Calling her “firecrotch”? Who’s not surprised by this beautiful sequence of events? (Us)
  • YOU KNOW YOU’RE THINKING IT: So, these robot vaginas that the South Koreans are practicing delivering babies from. Are they… you know? You know. (Reuters)
  • NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS: There are a couple of glaring omissions in Courtney Love’s list. I’ll let you figure out what they are. (Metadish)
  • HE HATES THE VIEW: First he disses Rosie, then he snaps atMeredith… Watch out Lisa Ling, Donald Trump is coming after you next (TMZ)
  • COMPLETELY COMPLETE LIST: Here are the 100 Most Annoying Things of 2006. Somehow Mind of Mencia just missed. (retroCRUSH)

Draw Me Wearing This… Wearing *Only* This

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Here’s some news that surely would’ve given you an erection 6 years ago (if you’re a dude… and if everything worked properly.) So pretend that it’s the year 2001 and Britney Spears is the hot-Slave 4U-Britney and not the vagina flashing-mom-Britney. Just pretend.

A source told Britain’s More magazine: “Britney’s been getting in better and better shape since she split with Kevin and wants her body immortalised in a portrait.

“She loves the film ‘Titanic’, especially the scene where Kate Winslet’s character Rose gets painted in the nude. She wants it tastefully done, though, and is looking for the right artist to do it.”

So Britney’s gonna strip down to her birthday suit and get the Titanic treatment. The only question is, which one is gonna go down in history as the bigger disaster? I know what I have my money on.

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