(And now, a post brought to you courtesy of baseball innuendos, in order to deter all future columns about the two from doing the same thing.)
Yankees baseball hottie Derek Jeter has really hit it outta the park with his latest Hollywood diamond, Jessica Biel. The actress, whose generous mounds earned her the coveted Esquire‘s “Sexiest Woman Alive” award, was spotted in a squeeze play with the blue-eyed batter at L.A.’s trendy Hyde nightclub, and sources report that Derek was stealing glances as if thought were bases! And even when Jeter was approached by a group of opposing players eager to get his attention, they quickly realized they were in foul territory. The two cozied up to one another and appeared to be in prime scoring position. From the looks of it, Jeter should be handing over his bat and balls to Biel for future safekeeping. This relationship is outta the park, folks!
The Onion is one of the more credible news sources that’s covered the Britney Spears/ K-Fed split since it was announced last week. They’re so thorough, they even made a list of all the reasons the couple decided to part ways. Here are a few of them:
- Passionate fire flickered out during burping contest
- Stud contract required Federline be returned to breeder after second successful siring
- Decision made by write-in vote for Kids’ Choice Awards
Read the rest of the list here. Then, when you’re done, check out the hilarious ‘C-List Celebrity Killer’ Leaves Police Enthusiastically Guessing Who’s Next. I smell a new Celebreality show!
If there has ever been a need for the powers of our beloved Celebrity Translator, it is now, for we have stumbled upon what is perhaps some of the most challenging celebrity text we’ve thus far encountered. The NY Times did a little digging and came up with a few excerpts of the traditional wedding rites for the Church of Scientology, which I’d bet good money will also be uttered by Katie Holmes this weekend. As this text is written in both Celebrity AND Alien, we weren’t sure our Translator would be up to the challenge. But luckily, it once again failed to disappoint us.
SCI-FI CELEB GOBBLEDYGOOK: â€œNow, Tom, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice if you will, but still they need them.â€
HUMAN TRANSLATION: If you’re going to keep her locked up in the basement until another one of those pesky man-kissing rumors surfaces and you need someone to make out with in front of the paparazzi, you at least have to provide adequate food, water and clothing.
SCI-FI CELEB GOBBLEDYGOOK: â€œHear well, sweet Katie, for promise binds. Young men are free and may forget. Remind him then that you may have necessities and follies, too.â€
HUMAN TRANSLATION: He’s gay, dear.
Everybody’s second favorite* four-eyed comedienne Tina Fey dropped by The Howard Stern Show this morning for 2 reasons: 1) to promote her underrated show Studio 60**, and 2) lay the SMACK down on Paris Hilton. Apparently Paris was bitchy (and shedding, thanks to a “cheap weave”) when she hosted SNL a while back. Thankfully Cityrag was listening to Stern this morning and decided to share some of Tina’s best disses with us. Head over there now to learn more about Paris embracing her stupidity, calling Jessica Simpson “fat,” and being the horrible c**t of a human being you always knew she was. It’s reassuring, to say the least.
Cityrag: Tina Fey on why Paris Hilton sucks
*I’m not sure who our favorite is. I just have a feeling Tina’s our second favorite. Not sure why. Just do.
**Or is it 30 Rock? Who knows? Who cares?
When Michael Jackson proposes marriage, he likes to bring along his ex-lovers for support.
Yes, sometimes it’s too easy. Prove it by leave your caption in the comments!
Weird Al, who has been BWE-certified as Cool Again, is back with a new video over at JibJab, this time lampooning American Idol’s captain of the Soul Patrol, Taylor Hicks, who I also found to be more than a little bit creepy. Check it out!
Don’t be fooled by Court TV‘s 40-foot-high brow: Every now and again they feature the type of physical comedy not seen since the heyday of Perfect Strangers. Take this high-larious clip from their Most Shocking Videos series, for instance. A drunk man tries to break into a liquor store by climbing through a ceiling duct. He makes it into the store, but not before bottle after bottle of Merlot drops directly onto his head. Too drunk to realize he’s bleeding from the skull, he nabs a shopping cart to do some light shopping. We won’t give away the end, but let’s just say that it’s the kind of stunt Casino Royale can only dream of, and it’s in slow motion for your afternoon-viewing pleasure. Those with a low pain threshold might want to avoid this altogether, and those with a high laugh threshold can thank us with a smile.
Today the big news in the world is that Emmitt Smith beat out Mario Lopez during last night’s Dancing With The Stars season finale to take the title and taint his obituary (think about it: “NFL All-Time Rushing Leader, Dancing With The Stars Champion, Dead at 74.”) I didn’t know how important Emmitt’s victory was until I received an angry phone call from my co-worker Jaime (not her real name), who yelled at me for neglecting Dancing With The Stars all morning. Rather than do the proper research, I decided to transcribe what she said word-for-word as she ranted about the results. I type fast. So here it is- a recap from somebody who really, truly cared:
It’s 12:18 and I can’t believe you didn’t write anything about Dancing With The Stars yet! It was crazy! I screamed at the TV when Emmitt won. I haven’t yelled at the TV like that sinceâ€¦ O.J. My husband was sleeping and I woke him up and he was like “what’s wrong? What’s wrong?” And I said “Emmitt won!”
He just won because he was clearly the nicer person. Mario was clearly the better dancer. Much better. Mario cheated on his wife and he got what was due to him. You’re typing what I’m saying, aren’t you? Stop it.
I think it came down to the freestyle in the end… or that Mario cheated on his wife– the Doritos girl. I did like Emmit’s freestyle better… I didn’t like Mario’s… but he still should’ve won. Please don’t post this. Seriously.
There you have it. Is Jaime (not her real name) right, or do think Emmit deserved to win? Let us know what you think… assuming you care too.
Shanna Moakler, ex-wife of Travis Barker best known for her MySpace missives and punching Paris Hilton in the face, has fired the latest shot in her ongoing Whore War by joking with paparazzi that the heiress should “remember to take her Valtrex”. For those of you who aren’t wanton sleazebags, or don’t pay attention to pharmaceutical ads, Valtrex is the drug prescribed to treat Herpes. Could Ms. Barker really be implying that Paris Hilton, a paragon of chaste morality, suffers from a filthy STD? I smell slander! Or Valtrex. One of the two. Also, speaking of Valtrex, this is hilarious.