CAPTION THIS! Sealed With a Kiss

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seal.JPG

Roger pens his last fan letter to Heidi Klum, trying for one last time to convince her that he’s the only seal she’ll ever need again.

OK, animal geniuses, leave your cappies in the commies as per yoozh.

WARNING: You Might Be Addicted to This Blog

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ASSGOITER.JPGOur favorite pie-charted newspaper, USA Today, brings to our attention a disease — uh, phenomenon – we thought only we suffered from: A debilitating addiction to celebrity gossip. Author Jake Halpern covers the addiction with a disturbing intensity in his new book Fame Junkies, which likens your daily blog reading to a less destructive verzh of crack — likely stemming from Paris Hilton‘s ass goiter. But it is the statistics we find most disturbing:

  • The teens who regularly watch certain celebrity-oriented TV shows were more likely than others to believe that they themselves will be famous someday.

What was that? Sorry, our stage moms are on speaker… Headshots appointment moved to 3, but we have a Triaminic audition at 3:30… (“cough, cough… Mommy, our froat huwts.” Perfect line read, thank you.) Ah yes, statistics! Here’s another, far more troubling fact:

  • Given a choice of becoming the CEO of a major corporation, the president of Yale or Harvard, a Navy SEAL, a U.S. senator or “the personal assistant to a very famous singer or movie star,” almost half of the girls — 43.4% — chose the assistant role.

Whoa, whoa, whoa… you’re telling us that American teenagers turned down the fake opportunity to rule the Harvard roost or embezzle company cash in order to pick up someone’s dry cleaning? A personal assistant, for f***’s sake?! Never before, and we say this with complete seriousness, have we been more turned off by the future of this country than at this very moment. Sh*t, at least aim for overbearing, possibly molesty, spotlight hungry stage Dad!

ICYMI: George W. Bush’s Hanukkah Song

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As we were drowning in holiday cheer last week when this hilarous clip was shown on Dave Letterman, we must’ve missed it. But George W. Bush looking utterly baffled as he stands among a bunch of Jews singing around a Menorah is simply too amazing not to post. Happy Late Hanukkah, folks!

(via WebJunk.tv)

SIZZLER: Tyrese Takes Early Shot At Mel Gibson & Michael Richards’ Joint Title of “Most Reviled Celeb of 2007″

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0104_tyrese_excl.jpgIf the Celeb Watchdogs over at TMZ are telling the truth, model/actor/whatever Tyrese could be the odds-on favorite for this year’s biggest total career annihilation. According to a police report filed early this morning, the buff model allegedly punched his 5-MONTH pregnant girlfriend in the stomach during a heated altercation:

According to our sources, paramedics responded after Tyrese allegedly struck the woman, who is five months pregnant, twice in the stomach and then drove away from the scene.

Yowzers. If this turns out to be true (and I sincerely hope it is not), even the most skilled liars in the celebrity PR world are going to have trouble running career damage control on a jackass move like that. Something tells me that going on Letterman and saying “sorry” might not do the trick.

The O.C. and Megan Mullally, Bedmates in TV Heaven

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1THEOC.JPGIt didn’t take long after the New Year for television stations to cut off the dead weight. Indeed, yesterday it was announced that two shows we don’t really care about anymore have been cancelled: The O.C. and The Megan Mullally Show… and right after Chrismukkah!

Now, we haven’t watched The O.C. since its spectacular first season, the “Welcome to The O.C., bitch!” season, pre-Taye Donovan and Marissa’s sister and all the other plot twists we’re not really caught up on. (Though we will admit to catching Marissa Cooper‘s death because, Jesus, how could we miss it?) But, we have a feeling the plot twists, which became more intricate and complicated each episode, might have hurtled the show into complicated insane oblivion. How many of you still watched it? How many more cast members will die in the series finale? What will the world be like without Seth Cohen???

But one show we are sadly too familiar with is The Megan Mullally Show, which we caught nearly every morning until it was moved to some secret, 2 AM time slot. We had high hopes for the Will & Grace star: After all, she was much less annoying than Rachael Ray, and funkier than morning craftster Carol Duvall. But the show was sort of boring, and Megan never seemed fully comfortable being herself. She should feel comfort in knowing that Chevy Chase and Pat Sajak are waiting up in dead talk show heaven for her.

Even In 2k7, Fart = Funny

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CBS’ new reality show Armed & Famous starring Wee Man, LaToya Jackson, Trish Stratus, Jack Osbourne and the guy from CHiPs (I think those are the people who constitute as “famous.” I think) premieres next week. In this preview, posted at Webjunk.tv, the guy from CHiPs let’s out a gigantic FaRT while wrestling with a police officer. If the thought of Erik Estrada passing gas on an officer of the law doesn’t make you want to watch this video… well, then I don’t know what will.

Celebrity Inventions Are Patently Amazing

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patent-eddievanhalen2.gifWhat do Eddie Van Halen, Michael Jackson and Jamie Lee Curtis have in common (other than being awesome in the 80’s)? They’ve all applied for patents for things they’ve designed or invented! Head over to Ironic Sans to check out some of the hilarious, bizarre and sometimes intelligent ideas for inventions that have come from the minds of notable and famous figures. None of the other diagrams are as kick-ass as the Van Halen Shred Chart seen above, but they’re all worth a look.

ICYMI: K-Fed’s Early Comedy Career (feat. Zach Galifianakis)

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We’ve spent the greater part of the past year laughing at Kevin Federline. Be it his hilarious “PopoZao”-ing, his adorably unjustified confidence, or his sheer skankiness, K-Fed has secured his spot in the pantheon of great comedic entertainers alongside the likes of Patrick Swayze, Corey Feldman and Vanilla Ice. But did you know that Kevs got his comedy break on the criminally-overlooked Vh1 late night talkshow Late World With Zach*? The clip below, retrieved and restored through the miracle of YouTube, depicts a pre-Britney K-Fed dancing alongside hilarious comedian Zach Galifianakis in the star-crossed show’s finale:

*BONUS “DID YOU KNOW”: Late World With Zach was produced by Fred Graver, the man who created and produces Best Week Ever!

JAPANDEMONIUM: Live Action Pac-Man!

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Sure, we can’t understand a word that’s being said in this Japanese version of Live Action Pac-Man… but anytime a man in a black unitard is being beaten with poles by some clueless-looking actors in ghost costumes… well, it puts a smile on our face.