SIZZLER: If You Want Some Candy, And You Think He’s Sexy

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rodparis.jpgSomebody call Dateline’s Chris Hansen, because it sounds like we need to catch a predator! Rod Stewart recently told Blender magazine that he would have diddled his daughter Kimberly’s friend Paris Hilton back when he first laid eyes on her, when she was a not-quite-ripe 14 years of age. Here’s what he said (steel your stomachs):

“She was very attractive then… I happened to notice. She would have definitely fallen into the right parameters.”


After you finish pondering exactly what “parameters” could possibly be “right” for a leathery, wart-covered old rocker to engage in coital activities with his teenage daughter’s BFF, consider the possibility that this seemingly small revelation could actually be the missing link we’ve all been searching for, finally explaining the mysterious phenomenon of Paris Hilton’s insatiable libido. Could it all really be traced back to an unseemly incident during a sleepover party at the Stewart home in which Rod, having had twelve scotches too many, did some midnight marauding with Paris on the bottom bunk bed whilst his daughter unknowingly slept only a few feet above? That mental image alone is enough to make us want to forgive Paris just a little bit.

SIZZLER: Trouble in Aryan Paradise?

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One of our favorite things in life are couples who look like they could be brother and sister. Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman, Geena Davis and Treebeard from Lord of the Rings… if they look like a Maury Povich segment waiting to happen, we tend to get attached. Which is why we were nothing short of devastated to learn that perhaps the most famous brother/sister couple in Hollywood, Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon, were overheard having a spat at the Flags Of Our Fathers premiere.

A spy overheard Reese telling Ry-Ry “I don’t know what you mean by saying I am embarrasing you, how could you say I am embarrasing you?” They left the hotel only 15 minutes later. And, as Cityrag notes, judging by the pictures from the premiere, these two had likely been spatting all night. Tonight, when we kneel by our bed for our daily prayers, we will include Ryan and Reese in them… if only to guarantee the idyllic future of the blondest, whitest chlidren on Earth.

While You Were Picking African Baby Names

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  • Madonna insists that she followed proper procedure in order to adopt a baby African boy. She’s been sending that “less than the price of a cup of coffee” money to Africa for years and dammit, she’s ready to collect.
  • Chris Rock’s mother is set to sue the chain restaurant Cracker Barrel for racism. Weird. I always thought it’d be a white person suing Cracker Barrel for that.
  • Vince Vaughn has threatened to sue the tabloids that reported he was cheating on Jennifer Aniston. Not because they’re wrong, but because they’re being total cockblocks.
  • Tom Cruise is desperate to star in a film with British heartthrob David Beckham. He wants it to be a cross between Mission Impossible and Screeched!
  • Heather Mills is accusing estranged husband Paul McCartney of repeated violence against her. Paul denies it, noting that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Best Night Ever: Tuesday, October 17th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, October 17th! Giulia is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing With The Stars, Hip Hop Honors and True Life!

…OF THE DAY

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  • WESLEY SNIPES FINANCIAL TIP: Always bet on black. Always pay your taxes. (Reuters)
  • OH, JUST SHUT THE F*CK UP ALREADY: Earth to Madonna – we all stopped caring back around Swept Away, so just don’t forget to turn the light out when you’re done doing your little attention dance, m’kay? (Madonnalicious)
  • LITERARY NIP-SLIP: She may not be Lindsay Lohan, but Amy Sedaris‘ cleavage-enhanced book reading inevitably resulted in a bookish boner or two. (CC Insider)
  • CORPORATE HACK: The Belush says he loves doing corporate comedy gigs because the audience “has been fed and liquored up, and they’re ready for a good time”. Curiously, he makes no mention of the money they pay him. (Page Six)
  • ENDED BIDDING: An eBay auction for a date with Paula Abdul ended without a single bidder. I guess the $26,000 starting price, the $500 shipping costs and the mandatory $367,890 bar tab was just a bit too steep. (TV Squad)
  • UMPTEENTH REASON YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING ‘THE WIRE’: Clay Davis’ ability to stretch out a vowel. (YouTube)

THE DAILY DOUCHE: Killer Rock Stars

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flowers.jpgHey, Brandon Flowers – could I have a word? Yeah listen, I thought “Mr. Brightside” and some of those other over-played radio hits you wrote a few years ago were pretty catchy and all, but you really need to cool it with all the self-aggrandizing smack-talk about other dandy bands who also wear make-up. Telling everyone who will listen how much better you are than The Bravery, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco and Green Day won’t change the fact that The Killers are the same brand of shitty emo mall-rock as the rest of them, no matter how many times you tell us – or yourself – that it’s not. Making fun of those other eyeliner-loving assclowns is easier than Paris Hilton on ludes, and dude, seeing as how you’re just Jared Leto without the acting gigs, I’d wait and see whether other people actually agree with your claim that Sam’s Town “is one of the best albums of the last 20 years” before continuing with your smack-talking crusade against every other musician who’s as generic and forgettable as you are. Also Mr. Not-Very-Bright, somebody told me that you’re today’s Daily Douche.

I Spy The Original Trump Toon

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Sick of Donald Trump ? Well, too bad. According to the publisher of Trump’s quarterly magazine, The Donald is producing a pilot for a Trump cartoon. We have to ask: Why bother?

Years ago, in a Jerry Seinfeld-hosted segment, Spy magazine asked “What if Donald Trump were to get his own Saturday morning cartoon show?” It’ll probably look something like this.

Ah, Spy magazine. How you make us long for The Funny Years.

ICYMI: Hey, It’s MTV Has-Been Hour!

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5 Years Ago, Steve-O doing whip-its on The Tom Green Show while drunkenly babbling (when did he start sounding like Yoda?) to Carson Daly about how his buddy Bam Margera once nailed Jessica Simpson might have been white-hot A-list must-see-TV. But in its attention-desperate, straight-to-the-Internet, crackhead-on-my-couch incarnation, this is just really f*cking sad. This could only be more depressing if Matt Pinfield were giving Kennedy a Dirty Sanchez while Pauly Shore danced around them singing one of his “Weasel” songs.

(via ONTD)