CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Hollywood For the Holidays

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museumnight.jpg1. You know, as much as you love your family, spending an entire week with them during the holidays can get a little annoying from time to time. Thank goodness there’s the gentle escape of the movies, where you can enjoy two relaxing hours of Robin Williams’ kooky voices, Ben Stiller’s hilarious pratfalls, and Owen Wilson’s awkward charm – $46.8 million

2. I really don’t know why the writers couldn’t get the spelling right on this one. Sappy is spelled with an “S”, not an “H” – $24.7 million

3. Looks like this movie was one fat suit (they already had Eddie Murphy, mind you) away from a #1 opening – $19.5 million

4. You know what’s even weirder than a giant talking spider writing sh*t about a pig in its web? Dakota Fanning$15.5 million

5. The Boring Supremacy$14.3 million

While You Were Peeling Yourself Off Your Sheets Like a Hungover Human Fruit Roll-Up…

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  • We know you know, but seeing as we saw his corpse last Thursday and have been haunted ever since, we’re gonna tell you again: James Brown died. Little known fact: The man was incredibly tiny. Baby sized. No wonder he moved so well.
  • Reason #458 You Wish You Had Gone to Space Camp: William Shatner emcees reunion dinners. It should be noted, the odds that William Shatner will emcee your sons Bar Mitzvah for the right price has just skyrocketed.
  • We are a million percent thankful that we didn’t spend New Year’s Day trying to solve the answer to this quandry: Can Beyonce act? The answer: For a maternally controlled cyborg, very well.
  • Vanessa Minillo and Nick Lachey ring in the New Year with a public eff-you-ing of Jessica Simpson.
  • But fear not!! Jessica Simpson was busy throwing attention tantrums in New York, the reward being getting manhandled by “Hand 2 God We’re Not Dating” frontman John Mayer.

Happy F**king New Year MTV!!!

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Vanessa Mannillo rang in the New Year the same exact way as so many other people from coast to coast– with a really bad f**k. Unfortunately for Vanessa, her’s was live on TV (and unfortunately for us, it was an adjective and not a verb.) You can watch Vanessa’s f**k video here.

I really hope that’s not the last time I ever type that.

Link via Gorillamask

SIZZLER: Kate & Pete Decide, “Phuket, Let’s Get Married!”

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katepete.jpgIt looks like the love story of drug-addled supermodel Kate Moss and drug-addled superjunkie Pete Doherty has reached its inevitable climax of not-so-holy Matrimony, as the two lovebirds put down their pipes long enough to get themselves hitched yesterday on the Thai island of Phuket. From repeated arrests to unsuccessful rehabilitations, Kate & Pete’s whirlwind love affair has been the most entertaining romantic comedy since Sid & Nancy – and for that, we wish them the best of luck as man and wife. Nice to see the kids ring in the new year with some old-fashioned good decision-making!

UPDATE: Fooled again – they must’ve just been in Thailand for the cheap dope and lax drug laws.

The 10 Best 10 Best Lists of 2006, #1: The 10 Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions For 2007

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10best231.JPG10. I, Jamie Foxx – Do hereby resolve to ratchet up my Unending Attention Whoring Tour even a few more notches by making myself available to perform the refrain from “Golddigger” at store openings, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and any other event featuring more than four people who will look at me.

9. I, Rush Limbaugh – Do hereby resolve to continue talking out of my ass day in and day out on my radio program for people who lack the capability of even the most basic forms of rational thought. I will make every attempt to use my bestfoxx1.jpg ignorant, uninformed opinions to appeal to the fragile emotions of the weak and fearful, and take great care to callously belittle and humiliate all those whom I have deemed “evil” or an “enemy” of my flawed ideals, even if they are beloved actors and activists who have suffered more in a single hour than I will in the entirety of my gluttonous, pharmaceutically anesthized waste of a life.

8. I, Clay Aiken
– Do hereby resolve to stay in this closet, where it is nice and warm, forever.

Read more…

BWE: Christian Finnegan’s What Your Holiday Gifts Say About You

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Now that we’re a few days removed from Christmas and we’ve come to grips with the fact that nobody loves us enough to get us a PS3, it’s time to look at what we’ve received and learn what our holiday gifts say about us. Christian Finnegan is here to help.

You know, it’s not too late to pick up a copy of Christian’s CD “Two For Flinching” for your friends and family. Get it here!

The 10 Best 10 Best Lists of 2006, #2: The Top 10 Celebrity Beefs

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10BESTLISTS2.JPG10. Naomi Campbell v. Maids. Word to the uneducated wise: If you absolutely have to spend your life cleaning other people’s houses, do you best to stay away from Casa de Naomi Campbell. Because there you’ll be, on your hands and knees, bleaching some tile grout, when the next thing you know you feel a 22-pound Balenciaga boot hit you in the back of the head, with the model demanding to know where her Stella McCartney jeans are. This almost literally happened in real life, with two separate maids accusing the supermodel of abuse, not to mention her former personal assistant who also claimed she was on the receiving end of the trademarked “Campbell How Are Ya?” The result? Naomi tamed her smoldering stare in anger management classes.

2DIVORCE1.JPG9. Travis Barker v. Shanna Moakler. We never really cared about this couple, and still kinda don’t. But their televised love affair and eventual divorce is significant in 2006, if only because two adults – grown humans with children, mind you – resorted to verbal attacks on MYSPACE for God’s sake to get back at one another. Yes, Travis may have banged Paris Hilton (BFD, so did half the Minneapolis Rotary Club) and sure, Shanna, a former Miss USA, responded by binging on Penis Cake, but you know what guys? It’s called the high road. Mapquest it.

2Clay.JPG8. Rosie v. Kelly v. Clay. What happens when a clammy, skinny singer clamps his hand over the mouth of the reigning Queen of Annoying Morning Hosts? Rosie happens. So when Clay Aiken put his faux paw over Ripa’s mouth, inciting her rage on live TV, O’Donnell goes ahead and not only accuses Kelly of being a homophobe, but at the same time kicks Clay’s closet door in like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the bathroom scene from Kindergarten Cop. Winner? Well, it would have to be Rosie by default. We wouldn’t want Clay Aiken’s germs on our face either.

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BWE: Paul F. Tompkin’s Top 5 “That’s Just Not Right” Moments of 2006

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Did you find yourself mumbling the phrase “that’s just not right” a little bit more often than usual in 2006? So did we. And so did Paul F. Tompkins, which is why he’s here today to share his Top 5 “That’s Just Not Right” Moments of the year.

Have you found the time to return those unwanted Christmas gifts yet? Well, before you do, you should check back here tomorrow at 11 for Christian Finnegan’s What Your Holiday Gifts Say About You.

The 10 Best 10 Best Lists of 2006, #3: The 10 Gayest Moments of 2006

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10BESTLISTS1.JPG10. A Nation of Heavyset Italian Gay Men Develop a Craving for “Johnny Cakes.” If there’s one image that has burned it’s way into the depths of our subconscious, it has to be Vito on The Sopranos, traipsing around a gay S&M night club in a little tight black number, topped off with a little leather cap. Sure, he was (spoiler!) killed, but you know there was one gay mobster out there who looked up to the sky and mouthed the words “thank you” to the TV Gods. (We’ll also take this time to recognize our favorite SNL skit of the year, “The New Jersey Gay Couple.”)

9. Tom Cruise Gets Married. Kidding!

2JAKEMATTLANCE2.JPG9. The 6-foot Long Hoagie That is the Jake/Lance/ McConaughey Sandwich. Whether they be cycling, doing sit-ups, binge drinking, cycling, bongo-banging, or participating in wet t-shirt contests, one thing is certain: The friendship between Jakey, Myatt n’ Lyance may not be a gay three-way tryst, but it is certainly the gayest thing we’ve seen all year.

8. Rosie O’Donnell Outs Clay Aiken. It all began with an innocent, poorly timed joke between the infinitely creepy Clay Aiken and permaperky Kelly Ripa. The incident then birthed it’s own little baby, a feud between newly anointed View co-host and staunch lesbian Rosie O’Donnell, who accused Kelly Ripa of being homophobic. Which is hilarious, because, as far as we knew, Clay Aiken was a total vagina fiend. Thanks for clearing that up, Ro!

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BWE: Mike Britt’s Top 5 Songs/Lyrics of 2006

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Forget about Rolling Stone, Stereogum, Pitchforkmedia, Spin Magazine and Entertainment Weekly– this is the only year-end music list that actually matters. BWE’s Mike Britt is here to walk you through the Top 5 Songs/Lyrics of 2006.

Come back tomorrow at 11: Paul F. Tompkins will be your guide through the Top 5 “That’s Just Not Right!” Moments of the Year.