Sherrod Small Is Having The Breast Week Ever

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Forget about that John Mayer talk… we’ve obtained a picture of Jessica Simpson and the man we suspect she’s really dating.
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That’s right; here’s Jessica and BWE’s Sherrod Small on New Year’s Eve. We don’t want to jump to conclusions, however they do look pretty close. And the Altoids? What do you think those are for? As they say in the tabloids– the tabloids that would write 500 words about how Jessica is definitely boning Sherrod based on nothing more than a picture like this one– Developing!

ICYMI: Tara Reid Dazzles NYE Revelers With Stunning Display of Backwards-Counting Abilities

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She might fall down a lot and have a little problem with being visibly intoxicated in public, but don’t you ever – EVER – accuse Tara Reid of being incapable of counting backwards from 60, sort of. Sure, she could have just counted down from ten like the rest of us, but Tara’s better than that – smarter than that. Even with 12 double Goose and Red Bulls pulsating through her emaciated little veins, she NAILED that seemingly endless countdown and only left out five or six numbers! Vote Pedro.

(via Defamer)

Here’s Why Barack Obama Will Never Be President

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With a name that resembles “Black Osama” closely enough for the mistake below to already have been made (not even on Fox News, mind you), Barack Obama has about as much of a chance at getting elected president in the US today as a guy named Islam Hitlor would have had in Israel in the 50’s.

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SIZZLER: Cameron Not Getting a D*** In a Box?

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JUSTIN CAM.JPGStar Magazine certainly has a way of toying with our emotions. Today, they have an exclusive report that viral video star Justin Timberlake has called it quits with his girlfriend of over 3 years, Cameron “I Got This Nosejob for Medical Reasons” Diaz. The two spent their Christmas breaks away from one another, with Justin spending time with relatives in Memphis, Tenn., and Cameron celebrating the holiday on the ski slopes, which we’re pretty sure is the first time that term has been used in relation to a celebrity without secretly meaning said person was drowning their sorrows in cocaine. While Star fails to give a reason for the break-up, we do have one secret theory: The Holiday, possibly the only romantic comedy we’ve ever sat through where we prayed the female lead (Diaz) would be hit by a train before the movie’s end. (Off-topic: We’re very much back on the Jude Law train.)

But laaadies! Don’t get too excited just yet!! Because just when you want to believe so badly that this is actually true, Star throws in one quote that makes us question the veracity of nearly every unsubstantiated tabloid report:

As he partied with friends in Senses nightclub in Memphis, the source says, Justin told fellow revelers: “Me and Cameron? We’re done.”

Cancel your legwaxes… we’re pretty sure these two are still dating.

While You Were Enjoying the Primeness of 01/03/07…

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Best Night Ever: Tuesday, January 2nd!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, January 2nd! Alan Noah is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night TV including: Dateline, Big Day, Law and Order: SVU, Wicked Wicked Games, and the long awaited tales of an American Gangster!

…Of The Day

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  • SIMPER: Does John Mayer + Jessica Simpson = Simper? Nah… it equals boring. (NY Daily News)
  • NEWSWORTHY ITEM: Does Jessica Alba playing football in a bikini qualify as newsworthy? Probably not. But it definitely qualifies as awesome. (Egotastic)
  • RULING CLASS: Kids today are all about websites with no rules. I’m using this as Argument #1 to allow us to get rid of the stupid ** in our f**ks. (NY Times)
  • REACTIONS: Steve Martin and the guy from Wings share their thoughts on Saddam. Me- I’m not ready yet. I’m still getting over Uday and Qusay. (HuffPo)
  • TAKE THAT: Queen beat out The Beatles in a “Greatest Brit Band” poll. They’re the champions, indeed. (Stereogum)

Paul F. Tompkins: Live, On Stage, and Awesome

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paulf.jpgYou’ve seen Paul F. Tompkins on Best Week Ever. You’ve seen him in Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy, Mr. Show, and– if you’re real good– Run Ronnie Run. Well, now’s your chance to see him live. If you’re in New York, of course (our apologies to everybody in the other 49 states.) Paul will be performing at Comix Thursday, Friday and Saturday this week, so if you want to start ’07 off on the right foot, go buy tickets now.

You can pick up tickets here. We’ll see you at the show.