DAILY HASSLE: The Hoff vs. KITT vs. KARR

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dailyhassle2.jpgIt’s been too long since we’ve dropped in on our favorite superhuman being. Hope he hasn’t gotten too lonely in his Fortress of Hoffitude.

  • The Hoff recently said that he never allowed Playboy models to audition for Baywatch because, “somewhere along the line someone was going to get raped”. And we all know how much The Hoff hates being raped.
  • The Hoff is convinced that his forthcoming autobiography will be an inspirational account of his lifelong committment to philanthropy, citing the following as an example: “We went to Soweto during apartheid. We just thumbed our noses at everybody. We used my celebrity as a positive thing.” That’s right, Nelson Mandela ain’t got sh*t on The Hoff!
  • And finally, to make up for our recent lack of Hoff coverage, here is the greatest 3 minutes ever broadcast on television:

ICYMI: Norm McDonald Gets Ridiculous

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ridiculous.jpgGorillamask posted a track from Norm “The Greatest Weekend Update Anchor Ever” McDonald’s upcoming CD. The skit is titled “The World’s First Two Gay Guys” and it features Will “The Greatest SNL Castmember Ever” Ferrell and Jon “The Greatest Subway Sandwiches Spokesman Ever” Lovitz. What a lineup.

Listen to it here. And then, in honor of Lovitz, go out and eat fresh.

Project Runway: Kayne’s Last Hurrah?

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According to the previews, tonight’s Episode 9 of Project Runway features Tim Gunn & the Gang frolicking through the streets of Paris, with Kayne putting the “gay” in “Paree” with a fake goatee and beret, screaming “Oui oui, bonjours!!” so frantically that the entire country of France shuddered to one unaninous douchechill. The Bravo previews seem to focus quite a bit on the poo-eating crazy Vincent, which in our books looks like a clear “auffing.” But this preview seems to say that poor pigeon-boobed Kayne may be the one flying home early. Fair warning: The preview does show some of the gowns from tonight’s ep, so if you want to wait 7.5 more hours with the non-spoiled innocence of the challenge, good on you. To the rest of my people: Is tonight Kayne’s last? If so: Aww.

(In the Style of the Rudy Chant) Suuuu-ri, Suuu-ri, Suri Suri Suri!

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Tom Cruise1.JPGWe are in the best mood! Why? Because the Suri Cruise Vanity Fair hit the newstands with a thetan-heavy thud this morning. While the magazine is being a little Vanity UNFair, in that they’re not allowing certain photos to be published, we’ve already purchased enough issues to completely shellack our foyers in its borderline-creepy-photoshopped goodness. Yes, we think the real father might be Jackie Chan, and yes, the below picture really is straight up “baby toupee“, but look at that face!! Maybe it’s our chronic constipation (aka “food baby”), or maybe it’s our biological Tivo ordering a season pass to loneliness, but celebribaby-mania has really made us yearn for a little cyborg of our own. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to register our profile on BeMyBabysDaddy.com.

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The Crocodile Hunter: Is It Okay To Laugh Yet?

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irwin.JPGAccording to South Park, everything tragic becomes funny after 22.3 years. But what if the tragedy involves a man who called himself The Crocodile Hunter being attacked by a sting ray? Then what are we talking? Like, 3 days?

Despite the fact that he passed away on Monday, people are already cracking jokes at Irwin’s expense. It’s shocking (whoops! That wasn’t supposed to be a sting ray pun, I swear). For instance, The Daily Gut has the Animal Kingdom’s response to Steve’s death. While Scott Adams, the man who created Dilbert (Dilbert! Remember that? Me neither) wrote a far from sensitive and far from funny (just like Dilbert!) post about Irwin’s death which consisted of the line “I believe death is not a laughing matter, unless the guy who gets killed is in the process of bothering dangerous animals.” Okay… it was a little funny. Adams pulled the entry after posting it on his site, but thanks to the magic of Yahoo caches, you can read it here.

So what do you think? Is three days “too soon”? You can either start laughing now, or you can wait another 22.29 years. It’s your call.

ICYMI: Urine For a Real Treat, Jackasses

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Thank Xenu for NYC blogger Andrew Krucoff’s love of consuming adult beverages in seedy Manhattan saloons, for we otherwise might have never known the joy witnessing this gross display of viral marketing from the “advertising whizzzards” in the Jackass #2 publicity department (let’s just all be glad they didn’t think of a more literal tie-in for the “#2″ aspect of the title). You may now behold the powerful majesty of Andrew’s “four Pabst” urine stream.

Suri, About The Emo Haircut…

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We know that Hollywood kids grow up fast, but was anybody ready for Suri Cruise to go through an emo phase at just 4-months-old? Friends say that she cries all the time, she doesn’t understand her parents, and you can’t leave her alone with a knife or she’ll probably cut herself. And you don’t even want to know what she’s been writing on her livejournal.

Suri Cruise: More emo than you’ll ever be.

While You Were Setting Up Your Suri Altars…

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  • Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth have called it quits. Kate is reported to be heartbroken, and sources claim it to be true… you can a-literally see the crack through her breastplate.
  • Michael Douglas is so bad with computers, he has his secretary fax over his e-mails. He then writes his response with a 3 foot long quill on quality parchment, rolls it up, tucks it into a miniature barrel, and attaches it to the neck of his beloved St. Bernard, “Reply.”
  • And is Dustin Hoffman joining the Ku Klux Klan? Or just certifiably insane?
  • Actress Zhang Ziyi is being torn to shreds in Chinese newspapers, after she wore the same dress of another actress, Xu Jinglei, two months later. Well, it’s nice to know that this blind bloodthirsty judgment of people in the spotlights is universal.
  • Finally, Lindsay Lohan‘s vajayjay. Normally such a thing would be not safe for work, but in this case, it literally looks like the parts of a weird alien doll/pig hybrid. So click away.

SIZZLER!!! SURI CRUISE REVEALED!

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Cruise1Thumbnail.JPGSuri Cruise has been revealed! (Click on thumbnails to enlarge) Katie Couric made her debut on the CBS Evening News tonight, and as part of all the hoopla, the network got an exclusive first look at The Second Most Famous Celebrity Baby in the World©, Suri Cruise. And, sad to say, the baby is not an alien, as we had predicted. No, in fact, she’s pretty gorgeous. Which is why we’re so pissed. This is what we were waiting for? A beautiful, peaceful, human baby, void of any third eyes, cleft palettes, or Edward James Olmos-like acne scarring?! We have now officially placed all of our bets on dyslexia… but we’ll have to wait a good 11 years to find out for sure. And now, without further ado, blurry pics of Suri Cruise:

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Oh, and if this post is down in the morning, and no one ever hears from me again, please assume I have been snipered by some very high powered lawyers/scien… well, you know. We’ll have better versions of these pics tomorrow when they’re “officially” released.