DAILY HASSLE: Hoff and Running

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restless06.jpgWe’re really lucky that The Hoff so enjoys sharing of himself with the press, constantly tossing out random and previously unknown delicious little facts about himself, in that we all might come ever so slightly closer to unraveling the enigma of his Hoffitude. Here are the latest clues on the treasure map of Hoff:

  • The Hoff told People Magazine that if he died (were he not immortal), he would like to be buried beneath his Hoffywood star on the Walk of Fame, under clear glass so people could see him decompose, with “Hoff and Running” written on his gravestone. That might be the most Hofflike thing I’ve ever read.
  • The Hoff’s daughters do not approve of the incessant attention their father receives from younger women. I think it might be time for someone to tell them about the birds and the bees and The Hoff.
  • The Hoff says that when he first met the late Princess Di, she was immediately smitten with him. How positively Hoffish of him to respectfully honor her memory so.
  • And as a bonus to all the ladies out there, click the picture above to learn the “Do’s and Don’ts” of winning The Hoff’s Heart!

Dakota Fanning Has Grown! Insanely Creepy!

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dakotafanning2.JPGDakota Fanning has yet to hit her “awkward” teen years, and already she’s channeling the cokey creeptown stylings of Chloe Sevigny. Dakota posed for a fashion spread in the October 2006 issue of Teen Vogue, wearing Marc Jacobs boots, a pillbox hat, and the flat, hollowed out stare of a feral child. Seriously, give the Grim Reaper a paternity test, Maury. This kid does not look OK. Could it perchance be that years of being in the spotlight have left her a shadow of her own childhood self? Get this girl a Slip N’ Slide and some Fruit by the Foot already. She’s got t-minus-2 years until she “sprouts”, and it’s basically all frownhill from there.

Although, on second thought, how much fun is it going to be when Dakota Fanning snaps? I mean really loses it. She’s either going to be a slut of epic proportions or a unabomber-stizz recluse. But seriously nowhere in between.

CAPTION THIS! Martha Sucks

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Martha Stewart shows Dave Letterman exactly what she had to do in order to get extra “phone time” in prison.

To see a video of Martha, um, sucking- head over to TMZ. But first, leave your Captions in the Comments now.

BREAKING NEWS: National Enquirer Pretends Britney Spears Has Baby

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britney_pregnant_bikini.jpgPracticing for the inevitable birth of Britney’s second child, the National Enquirer decided to get a jump start on the coverage by pretending she had the baby today.

Pop princess Britney Spears gave birth to a 6 pound, 11 ounce baby boy just before 2 a.m., September 12th at a Los Angeles hospital, insiders told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive.

Now, it’s possible that Britney actually DID have the baby early this morning and we here at BWE are going to look stupid for doubting them. But c’mon. It’s the Enquirer. We’re willing to take that chance. What do YOU think: real or fake?

UPDATE: UsWeekly is reporting it too. That’s one step closer to a credible news source. Developing…

Worst Karaoke Songs to Sing on 9/11

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911CD.JPGEven though it should be pretty obvious that we’re not the best of people, it still humbles us to admit that last night, on the 5th anniversary of September 11, we managed to round-up a group of friends and emote through an ancient Japanese relaxation technique called karaoke. As if we didn’t feel guilty enough singin’ and tappin’ on a national day of mourning, it took one girl’s rendition of Kansas‘ “Dust in the Wind” to remind us that we might be out of line. And we though “Gee, wouldn’t it be great if a list of inappropriate 9/11 songs already existed?”

Well, it turns out it does. Following the attacks in 2001, Clear Channel Communications compiled a list of “songs with questionable lyrics” that stations considered banning from the radiowaves, as the lyrics may have offended people in such a sensitive time. Certain songs make perfect offensive sense: REM‘s “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” has probably induced a handful of panic attacks. Anne Frankly, any reason to get Sugar Ray‘s “Fly” off the air is good enough for us.

But the one song they left off the list that is seriously inappropriate lyrics-wise? Johnny Cash‘s “Ring of Fire.” We learned that last night the awkward way.

WORD OF THE DAY: Stingray Rage

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crochunter_1.jpgNow PETA’s really gonna be pissed.

A week after his untimely death at the hands of an evil sea creature, it seems that The Crocodile Hunter is getting his revenge from beyond the grave.

At least ten stingrays have been found dead and mutilated on Australia’s eastern coast in the last week in what conservationists believe could be revenge attacks for the death of Steve Irwin, the popular naturalist and television personality.

Revenge attacks from fans? I don’t think so. The animal kingdom will now feel the True Wrath Of Steve. Stingrays! You’re on notice. Crocs! You motherf**kers are next.

Read the article here.

While You Were Trying to Follow The Path to 9/11

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  • If you commemorated the 5-year anniversary of 9/11 by watching ABC’s shockingly fictional mini-series about the events leading up to the tragedy, check out this clip highlighting a few other historical liberties the network has taken in the past.
  • But at least US and NYC officials have done such a good job on getting the 9/11 Memorial Hole finished in time.
  • Ben Affleck was voted “best actor” in Venice, winning a Golden Bear for his role in Hollywoodland. We were pretty impressed until we realized “best actress” went to Haylie Duff for her work in Material Girls. Silly Italians.
  • The Law & Order writers seem to be getting pretty lazy. Last year it was the “crazed celebrity Scientologist” episode. This season kicks off with a “pop princess/wannabe rapper deadbeat husband” storyline. What’s next, “The Case of the Alcoholic Jew-hater”?
  • Ian Schrager, legendary hotel mogul and one of the men responsible for the original Studio 54, has banned “the likes of Paris Hilton and her ilk” from his ultra-swanky Gramercy Park Hotel in Manhattan. So if you’re keeping score, doing blow on top of a circus elephant with Truman Capote and Diana Ross: acceptable. Showing up with Brandon Davis and slurring, “hot”: unacceptable.

ICYMI: Hey! It’s Enricco Pallazzo!

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Dennis Hastert (not to be confused with President David Palmer, Dennis Haysbert) proved yesterday that knowing the words to the Star-Spangled Banner is not one of the duties of the Speaker of the House. We hope you enjoy his 9/11 rendition of our national anthem… the Star-Spaniel Banner.

Lt. Frank Drebin, as always, was unavailable for comment.