10. Acting All Gay With Jake Gyllenhaal - Spitting on his hand and giving Donnie Darko the rough ride of his life did for Heath Ledger what Gladiator did for Russell Crowe. And who could ever forget the sweaty glory of the Endless Exercising Summer shared by the Fitness Force of Lance Livestrong, Shirtless McConaughey, and Jakey G. Bottoms? McConaughey’s life will never be the same.
9. Being Famous For Nothing Other Than Being Unlikeable – While Paris has been perfecting this little trend for years, she’s brought a cast of supporting characters into the fold. We’ve got perpetually-sweating trust-funder Brandon “said a bunch of dumb sh*t while drunk this one time” Davis, Scott “I dress like a moron and produce bad music” Storch, Kimberly “my daddy is Rod” Stewart and a whole bunch of other various hanger-oners who all would have been better off having never existed.
8. Having Babies When You Really Shouldn’t – Britney Spears had barely finished pooping out her first Lifelong Biological Connection to Kevin Federline when the wife-beater-sporting wannabe rapper managed to sperminate her for a second time. And seeing as how Tom Cruise is a closeted homosexual who is clearly out of his f*cking mind, bringing a space alien into the world through the miracle of Silent Scientological Birthing might not have been the best idea. And Anna Nicole Smith’s infinite trainwreck of a life was brilliantly enriched by the addition of one child just prior to the loss of another. All in all, I’d say it was a pretty good year for Therapists of the Future.
Jessica Simpson’s metamorphasis from sex goddess to disgarded puppy nears the final stage of completion.
For more great pics, check out I Don’t Like You In That Way. But now it’s your turn, leave your Captions in the Comments now!
We’ve gots to give MASSIVE proppers to The Thighmaster for doing the necessary legwork to bring us this comprehensive guide to The Ladies of The Wonder Years. If you thought it was all about Winnie Cooper, you thought wrong. Now you can scratch your itch for 80’s TV nostalgia, AND find out just what became of Karen Arnold, Margaret Farquhar, Becky Slater and “Teri” (and believe us, you WANT to find out what became of Teri). Enjoy, buttfaces!
Looks like it’s a Merry Christmas in the Beckham household, what with Posh Spice Victoria Beckham leaving her abode with two alien bodies attached to her — and we ain’t talkin’ about Thetans! (Hey-oh!) We’re not sure if Victoria is aware that most breasts can actually grow naturally when one feeds the body nutrients found in this weird stuff called “food”, but nevertheless, even a little extra weight won’t give her the “lift, separation and nipplyness” that the plastic stuff affords. It’s a good thing she’s covering those lil’ guys up with a conservative turtleneck. We imagine the skin in between those otherworldly orbs is hanging on by a thread. The good news is that her rack reminded us of one of our favorite scenes from the movie Dumb and Dumber: Enjoy!
*Runner-up Title: “It’s a Hard-Knockers Life for Beckham”
As a very special pre-Christmas post-Hanukkah present, this week’s shuffler is none other than Defamer Associate Editor Seth Abramovitch. Seth expressed the initial “Oh God, This Might Be Embarassing” hesitation that most normal human beings feel when asked to expose their music library to the world. But strangely enough, his shuffle reeked of holiday spirit, and totally played into our current hush-hush John Mayer obsession! Seth swears it’s only on his Ipod because of a free demo mailer, but we like to believe it’s an Xmas miracle.
Seth Abramovitch’s Ipod Shuffle
1. Jeff Buckley “Corpus Christi Carol”
2. Cut Chemist (featuring Hymnal) “What’s the Altitude”
3. Bob Dylan “Thunder on the Mountain”
4. DJ Shadow “Midnight in a Perfect World”
5. John Mayer “Vultures”
Now itâ€™s your turn. Leave your Shuffle in the Comments. And remember — Donâ€™t lie!
The NY Daily News brings to our attention rampant speculation in Italy that the new Pope Benedict, nÃ©e Joseph Ratzinger (which we always read as though George Jetson‘s boss were angry with him: “Raaaatzinger!”) is gay. The main reason? Namely, because Pope Benedict wears red Prada shoes. The rumor has been spreading since the day he took God’s office, when gay talk show host Fabio Canino kicked off his show “with a shot of pink smoke wafting from a chimney at the Vatican.” Apparently, the Pope’s boyfriend is his private secretary, Monsignor Georg GÃ¤nswein, the “handsome, blond, 50-year-old amateur Âpilot, Âtennis player and former ski instructor.”
Well. We had to know more. So we Google Image searched him and ohmahgawwwwww!!!! MONSIGNOR GEORG GANSWEIN IS DROP DEAD GORGE! No, all JK-ing aside, the guy is 2-DIE-4. As the Italians might say “Illay Fatchay ese muy puntamento ecstatico”, which actually doesn’t mean anything strangely enough. We gotta hand it to the Pope — well played, my good man! MERRY CHRISTMAS! If he wasn’t celebate and/or into guys, we’d have him stuff or holiday stocking every day of the week! And we mean that literally, because we love small toys.
But for serious, more shots of our new Numero Uno Monsignor after the jump… (with thanks to ONTD for calling our attention to this pressing matter.)
About Me: Tall, thin, mediocre-looking DJ 2 THA STARZ. I go by DJ AM to my fans, Adam Goldstein to my Jewish summer camp friends, and “that strung out guy” in the tabloids. My parents have finally agreed to let me change my middle name to “Music.” Looks-wise, I’ve been compared to John Travolta (if his face was made of wax and left over an open flame), or a Hebraic Ewan MacGregor. My personality is dope as hell. I used to be one of the top DJ’s in LA, until some little skinny bitch dropped my ass… anyway, I was in a band! Called Crazy Town! (We reached our musical peak with our hit song “Butterfly”) You can bet that L.A. will be a “crazy town” with DJ AM on your arm.
Who You Should Be: Famous. Just really, really famous. Partially dead/decomposed wouldn’t hurt either, but it’s not a requirement. Fame Famey Fame Fame. Those ladies interested can beep me at 323-CHIN-DIMP. Paaaayce!
Thanks to our dear friend Goldenfiddle for bringing to our attention the first official trailer for Black Snake Moan, the blues-drenched new film from Hustle & Flow director Craig Brewer. An entire movie about a grizzled ex-bluesman Samuel L. Jackson keeping a hot blonde nympho Christina Ricci chained to his radiator in backwoods Mississippi until he “cures her wickedness”? Yes, please!