While You Were Drunk Texting

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  • Lindsay Lohan’s latest rambling letter to no one in particular falls somewhere between “homeless guy yelling about the apocalypse on a street corner” and “Michael Richards screaming the N-Word” on the Crazy Talk scale.
  • Meanwhile, Britney Spears’ lastest missive of truth encouragingly suggests that the starlet has finally come to the realization that we’re all tired of seeing her vajooj every time she exits an automobile.
  • Across town, Kevin Federline’s latest plea for continued relevance informs us that the wannabe rapper is doing great despite, you know, not selling any albums, getting divorced, having no money and being regarded as America’s Biggest Douchebag.
  • Then we’ve got Joel Madden and Nicole Richie forming an unholy union of who gives a sh*t.
  • And can someone please tell us why Britney is borrowing bad ironic T-shirts from her bodyguard?

Best Night Ever: Wednesday, December 6th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, December 6th! Shea is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including: King of Queens featuring an ice cream truck, Tyra and crew has chosen America’s Next Top Model for us, the Biggest Loser a la Wylie, the always peaceful Real World has made it to the glorious land of Denver, and MTV has a new series about poor guys trying to act rich in LA on TwentyFour Seven.

…Of The Day

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  • TAKING THE HIGH ROAD: We agree with Egotastic– HeroesHayden Panettiere keeping her top on is a good thing. That wasn’t easy. (Egotastic)
  • TO DO LISTS: Everybody makes to do lists. These are just funnier than the rest of them. (CC Insider)
  • JESSICA WHO?: What happens when you take Jessica Simpson’s sexy “These Boots Are Made For Walkin’” video and replace Jess with a sexier British model? The answer is: good things. (Hollywood Tuna)
  • SO CLOSE, SO FAR: Jenna Bush is spending Christmas with her unemployed boyfriend. Sadly, it’s not K-Fed. (Wonkette)
  • FINAL SOLUTION: Finally, somebody figured out how to solve the problem in Iraq. Get this video to Washington, ASAP. (Jossip)

PROPPED: Forget About Marie Osmond, We Want S-E-X & L-O-V. Obvs.

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When the folks at Fasthugs dropped this incredibly long rant about Celebrity Duets’ Marie Osmond (complete with video evidence to back up their “she’s a douchebag” claims) we were impressed. But it was this video they posted today that really blew our minds. It’s part of the How Can I Tell If I’m Really In Love series, and it reminds us that A) the 80′s were awesome, and B) Jason Bateman wasn’t always as cool as Michael Bluth. He was much, much cooler.

After you’re done watching that video, it’s time to watch this one. Just incredible. So do you have something you want us to check out? Drop it now!

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Santa Chucks Celine From Sleigh

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I love Celine Dion. I’m dropping the “royal we” here, people, because this is very personal to me. Is she funny? Obvs. Is she also a golden gift of talent and poise delivered from God up on high? Def. The following commercial for Celine Dion’s perfume (where Celine breaks into a family’s house and awakes them with her siren song while hiding under their tree) is a great “True Fan Test.” Watch it, and if it has just described your PERFECT Christmas morning, then you are a real Celine lover. For some of you, this video will probably fall somewhere between “The Night We Found Grandma Dead” and “Aretha Franklin’s Rack” on your horror-charts… Like the family in this commercial, for examp.

SIZZLER: Vaughn’s Got a Stage-5 Clinger On His Hands

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VAUGHN.JPGWe threw our Team Aniston tees in the wash last night (hiding our Team Jolie sweats under some sand in the litter box) to pay our respects to a woman who was at the top of her game, dating the Sexiest Man in America, only to be dumped and take on an arguably less sexiest man (possibly also bodily-odored)… only to find out he cheated on you with some Texan sorority-sister, drama-club-loving 20-year-old named Laura “Call Me Mallory, Ya’ll” Lane.

And how did the break-up between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn come about? You can thank Star Magazine for that one, who is taking full credit for obtaining e-mails Mallory Lane sent to her sorority sisters back in San Antonio:

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Sounds to us… like a STAGE FIVE CLINGER. And looks ike Vaughn is going through a serious mid-life crisis, picking up random college girls and smoking ciggs in bed with them until sunrise… something tells us this isn’t the first girl this has happened with, just the first one who posted a Myspace Bulletin about it. (And who can blame her?) This Christmas, send Jennifer Aniston a gift basket filled with sleeping pills, Kool 100′s, and air hugs… she’s gonna need ‘em.

Janice Dickinson Dares You To Make It Through The 12 Days Of Christmas

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When Heidi Klum released a Christmas video last week we were impressed by how great she sounded (and… ok, fine, how great she looked.) Well, now former supermanmodel Janice Dickinson has decided to release her own version of a holiday classic to promote the upcoming Oxygen special, Christmas With The Dickinsons. We suggest you watch this with the sound off. And your eyes closed.

Vid via PerezHilton

SIZZLER: Realizing His Constant Drug Busts Are Boring Us, Pete Doherty Finally Kills Someone

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dohertycops.jpgPossibly realizing that the “Pete Doherty Got Busted For Drugs Again – AGAIN!” headlines would only keep our attention for so long, the latest reports surrounding the scandal-addled one-time rocker suggest that Pete might have played a part in the tragic death of an actor who fell from a third-story balcony only minutes after the two got into a scuffle:

“Blanco arrived at Paul’s a little drunk. He and Pete started to niggle each other. It turned into a full blown argument, with insults being thrown on both sides. The argument got physical and Roundhill stepped in to break it up. He then asked Blanco to leave. A few minutes later some lads came rushing up to say there was a man lying in the street.”

Considering that this comes from a British tabloid that, ironically, doesn’t even seem to be writing in English, you should take this report for a grain of crack. But still, it wouldn’t surprise us.