Dr. Chester J. Crockerpot is an unlicensed, unaccredited, amateur psychoanalyst specializing in celebrity conjecture. He has never been to college, and has yet to receive his high school diploma. Dr. Crockerpot periodically sends us non-medical psychoanalytical assessments of people he sees on the television at the 24-hour diner on East 77th St.
Patient: Donald J. Trump
Occupation: Suit Wearer, Important-Seeming Business Guy
Observed Behaviors: Slapping his name on everything he can, arbitrarily firing people on national television, taking his retarded reality show seriously, public finger-pointing over failure of spin-off show, making creepy comments about his daughter, crowning a coke whore Miss USA, picking childish fights with Rosie O’Donnell, generally being an all-around ass clown.
Clinical Anyalysis: Mr. Trump exhibits traits of extreme narcissicm, severe delusions of grandeur, borderline personality disorder, sociopathic tendencies, obsessive compulsive disorder, general sleaziness, and the pathological need to overcompensate for what has to be the smallest penis in recorded human history. It is my unprofessional medical opinion that Mr. Trump harbors a deep-seated hatred of women, particularly powerful women, that likely stems from an unpleasant experience in his childhood, probably an incident involving his mother discovering his compulsive need to mastubate while repeating his own name.
Suggested Treatment: Publicly admitting to the world, and to himself, that he is just a frightened, embarassed little boy hiding in a man’s body that just so happens to have terrible hair. Enzyte Natural Male Enhancement medication.
A few days ago, we opened our minds to the singer/songwriter/Dundie Award Winner John Mayer, asking you to prove to us that Mayer really does have a sense of humor about the cheesiness of his music. We read the comments, and decided that OK, we’re not the biggest fans of the guy, but we’ll give him a break. After all, even the lead singer of Matchbox 20 has to put food on the table… it’s business. One passionate Mayer fan, however, went above and beyond what we asked, and sent us this clip of John on his short-lived VH1 reality show John Mayer Has a TV Show. Mayer runs a Fan Focus Test Group, where he puts 4 college-aged girls to the ultimate test: How long can you listen to his music before spontaneously crying? For us, it was 11 seconds… so maybe we should stop judging the guy and take a long hard look at ourselves for a change. Anyway — it’s pretty funny.
It’s December 21, 2006. For most people, 4 calendar notches away from the birth of God’s son, but to some, the 21st rings in the birthday of one of the godliest men on Earth: Kiefer Sutherland. Men want to be him, women want to “do it” to him. Today, TVTattle informs us that the man who plays Jack Bauer on 24, the man we’ve seen go from young punk to older, grizzlier punk, turns 40. Meaning that along with Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Jon Stewart, Hollywood’s hottest guys are all past the dreaded four-zero, and looking better than ever. (Don’t get us started on our feelings for 71-year-old pappy Donald Sutherland… me-ow.)
So to celebrate the birth of this man, this legend, we’ve scoured the internet in search of the Worst Kiefer Sutherland Tribute Video possible… and by golly, we think we’ve found it. So please, sit back for the next minute, light a small candle, turn your volume down, and enjoy this really really awful tribute video in honor of Kiefer’s 40th B-Day.
Check out this clip of Weird Al sitting down and rapping with the one person in the world whose hip hop flow is even funnier than his own: Kevin Federline.
Actress and collagen-enthusiast Lara Flynn Boyle has seen the ups-and-downs of love… mostly downs. We can’t imagine the sort of images burned into the girl’s memory, from Jack Nicholson‘s claw hands copping a feel to her being the “big spoon” in post-coital cuddling with David Spade. Which is why we are pleased to report that Lara has gotten married… and her new husband is not some comedic Hollywood persona, but instead the rather bland sounding “Donald Thomas of San Antonio.” Bo-ringgg. A source at the honeymoon hotel (read: Bellhop who was tipped a little too much) told Star Magazine that Lara looked “thin and pretty”, adding “She had big lips, but they didn’t look weird.” Nice touch, paid source. Glad to see the Restalyne finally evened itself out. Congrats to the happy couple!
Have you ever stumbled upon an old photo album and discovered old pictures of your parents when they were kids? It’s always a bit strange, seeing how they dressed, looked, and acted when they were your age, isn’t it? It makes you realize that even though they’re older and they come from a different generation, maybe you’re not all that different after all. Right?
Well, on that note, I pray that Sean Preston and Jayden James never come to that realization. Because if they’re flipping through an old photo album in 25 years and they come upon photos of Mama Britney’s ill-advised striptease at 40 Deuce and think “Wow, we’re just like our mama!” then we didn’t do our job as a society. We should probably get these pictures over to child services sooner rather than later… because I don’t want to see Jayden stripping down to his birthday suit in 2032. It’s not too late, people. It’s not too late.
For more Britney Spears: Mother Of The Year photos, click here.
This morning on The View, Rosie gave her official response to The Donald’s recent comments. Warning: It’s ugly. Really, really ugly.
It’s your move, Donnie boy. What ya got?
Friends and followers of the Lohanvolution! As you’re settling down for your long winter’s naps, Our Dear Lindsay has prepared for us this heartwarming holiday video about Christmas in her own home. Pour yourselves a tall glass of Egg Nog & crushed up Xanax, roast a doobie over the open fire, and call your white Christmas dealers – it’s time for a Lohan Holiday!
Why, is it Christmas morning? Because we here at BWE feel as if God has delivered the most amazing gift ever: a genuine throw-down between two of the fattest heads in the universe, Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump!!! It all began yesterday on The View, when Rosie launched into her typical morning rant chiding Trump for allowing Miss USA to keep her crown, even though the underage beauty queen had been drinking and snorting her way through the New York club scene. She called Trump a “snake-oil salesman”, accused him of being an adulterer, announced that Trump had actually gone bankrupt, and threw in a little “Miss America Can Kick Miss USA’s Ass” in for good measure.
Without ruining this, please, we beg, check out Trump’s response on Entertainment Tonight (In a nutshell, it’s 2 minutes of fat jokes and threats to kidnap Rosie’s girlfriend, but please… just relax and watch):
(Video via Defamer)
Fat pockets indeed. Well, it didn’t take long for Rosie to leave a response on her blog, copying and pasting a Wikipedia entry documenting Donald’s financial woes, and tacking on a tidy little haiku at the end:
i will let u know if the donald sues me
or if kelli leaves me for one of his pals
We hate to say it… no seriously, it hurts us… but are we taking Rosie’s side? Trump is such an a**hole! But hell, we love the bastard. This is going to be a-soo much funnn!