Screecha Sutra: Dustin Diamond’s Sex Secrets

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dustyD.jpgNow that we’ve discovered Dustin Diamond’s fondness for unsavory sex moves such as the “Dirty Sanchez”, we’re left wondering about what other Advanced Bedtime Maneuvers comprise the Marquis de Screech’s boot-knocking playbook? Luckily our shadowy network of operatives has delivered us this exclusive list of a few of Dustin’s favorite positions:

The Dick Belding: In which one performs a series of generally vile sex acts until their partner is forced to finally turn around and say, “Hey hey hey, what is going on here?”

The Zack Attack: Wherein you cover your junk with “LA Look” hair gel before sexually assaulting the passed out Valley Girl you scammed into coming back to your West Hollywood basement apartment.

The Bayside Tiger: When you’re about to orgasm, you suddenly scream out the Bayside Fight Song, which is, “Beat…b-b-b-b-beat…GO BAYSIDE!!!”

The Dirty Turtle: After having sex with some stuck-up snob, piss all over their trendy multi-colored clothing.

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America’s Next Top Model: What You’re Missing

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America’s Next Top Model has consistently been one of our favorite shows on television, due in part to the hilarious recaps posted by Rich over at the FourFour blog. Rich goes into a graduate-thesis-esque analysis of last week’s premiere, including the below highlights reel that nicely sums up the general ridiculousness of host Tyra Banks. The second ep. is tonight at 8 (followed by Runway at 9), so swallow your pride, turn to the CW, and catch one of the most entertaining hours of the week — plus, it’s the makeover episode tonight!

Project Runway: Jeffrey Sebelia Responds

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SEBELIAJEFF.JPGA few days ago, we alerted you to a brewing Project Runway scandal first reported in New York Magazine. Well, of course, Jeffrey Sebelia has something to say about it. Check out his response to a Myspace message sent by one concerned fan:

Hey!!! Thanks for the concern, but all I have to say is be careful of what you read and also of what is presented in the press. Those people take any information they get (usually unfounded rumors) and just print them in order to bolster their own readership with no regard to the person they might be slandering. They are just doing their job as bottom feeding, sludge dredging, no-life having journalists.

Why we never. Listen, you gotta dredge a lotta sludge to make it in this biz. Read the rest of the diatribe after the jump…

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Is There Any Hope for Hollywood Hipster Love?

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BILSONBRODY.JPGThis morning, we’ve learned some awful news through the gossip grapevine: Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson, the ultimate in starry-eyed hipster cardigany adorableness, are going through a “rough patch.” (SOUL-EXHUMING SIGH.) The couple, who as the world knows took their fairy-tale relashe from The O.C. to real-life proportions, have been going strong for the last few years, and were even reported to be enaged. So what went wrong? Two fish-lipped words: ZACH BRAFF. Bilson has been gabbing with Braff non-stop, and it’s filling Seth Cohen with an anger usually seen in fake-father Browzy LaRue.

You know, we were willing to give Zach Braff a chance. Sure, he made possibly our least favorite faux-wacky movie pre-Life Aquatic. And sure, he has only one facial expression. But, hey: He’s had his moments. But let’s add another memo to our growing anti-Braff collection: If you break up our favorite Hollywood hipster couple, you are not only a major traitor, sir, but you will also become reviled by your current fan base. So please, do us a favor, do yourself a favor, put down your phone, and continue on with your quest to be peripherally annoying.

LISTEN UP: Let’s Take a TO

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  • Gorilla vs Bear rallies behind Terrell Owens in this dark time, and shows solidarity by posting a track from TO’s rap debut, “I’m Back”. Ironically, his rap skillz make me want to end it all with pills.
  • Aquarium Drunkard gazes deeply into several different versions of the Velvet Underground classic “Pale Blue Eyes”.
  • Muzzle of Bees has a track from the latest album of whiskey-drenched anthems by Lucero, and I highly reccomend you go listen to it.
  • Head over to Musicisnotdead and say hello to “Goodbye”, a nice little track from newcomers The Postmarks.
  • As much as Brooklyn Vegan seems to love Grizzly Bear, lets hope he doesn’t end up suffering the same fate as that crazy dude in Grizzly Man.

Pete Doherty Checks Out Of Rehab, Performs With Band, Duets With Girlfriend, Probably Does Drugs: All In The Same Day

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The title says it all. Here’s a video from Monday’s Babyshambles show in Ireland. The video is shaky and blurry and you can’t really make out what’s going on… so in a way it’s kind of like being Pete Doherty. Keep your eyes open for a cigarette smoking Kate Moss hopping on stage and singing at the halfway mark.

Vid via Stereogum.

President of Kazakhstan Goes Mel Gibson Cray-Cray

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BORAT23.JPGThere is something to be said about becoming so defensive over a joke that in a way, you kind of prove that maybe, in fact, the joke is kind of true. Something can also be said when instead of just straight up denial, you go ahead and make a $40,000,000 movie about allllll the reasons the joke is false. Such is the case in the showdown between Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat character, the famed Kazakhstani reporter with a penchant for making love inside of his sister, and the government of Kazakhstan. President Nazarbayev of the Kazakh nation is so worried that Borat’s incestuous slandering is going to kill their image, the man is commissioning a $40 million dollar propaganda movie proving the stereotypes false. The movie, entitled Nomad, will follow the journey of a warrior (who loves chickens and prostitutes) “born to unite the Kazakh tribes and free them from the Jungar occupiers of western Mongolia,” i.e. Sleepless in Seattle 2.

Well that seems reasonable to us. Gathering up all the pocket change and gold fillings of the peoples, and funnelling it into a Miramax release that approx 1 person will pay to see: President Nazarbayev. After the jump, check out this video of Borat actually meeting said President at the MTV European Music Awards! Maybe the movie isn’t such a bad idea…

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CAPTION THIS! The George W. BushPlug

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From the website: Because he wants to find out as much about you as possible and to get inside your most personal business, we figured we would offer you the opportunity to show him where the sun don’t shine.

You can buy the Bushplug here. And thanks to Fleshbot… for oh so many reasons. Leave your Captions in the Comments now.