The Lohanvolution Will Be Televised, Probably On E!

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lohanvolutionSMALL.jpgLike Martin Luther hammering his 95 Theses to the door of the Catholic Church, or the inspired midnight memo on ethics by Jerry Maguire, Lindsay Lohan has composed an empassioned manifesto (a “Lohanifesto”, if you will) of soul-crushing truth – a plea for each of us, all of us, to make a fealess and searching inventory of our hearts, and join her Jihad against “those people” in the media. Osama Bin Lohan’s leadership, majesty and eloquence leaves one with a fire burning in the bowels of their stomach (and crotch), and no doubts that such inspiring words have never before been sent wirelessly via Blackberry. Put down that New York Times article about the hoplessness of Iraq, abandon your holiday cheer and charities, cease toiling in the low-paying job you occupy in order to afford the skyrocketing price of gas – STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING! Lindsay Lohan NEEDS US! The Lohanvolution has begun and you’re either with us, or against us – and make no mistake, Paris Hilton, Us Weekly, Page Six, Momma Lohan, the film producer guy who sent that mean letter, and TMZ – you will be first against the wall, for Lindsay is not alone. She’s got Al Gore, the ghost of Howard Hughes, the Clinton Dynasty, Harvey, John Daur, Evan Metroplis, and a growing base of supporters like me on her side and SHE WILL BE HEARD. If you’re interested getting involved, in finally taking up a cause that actually matters, now is the time to join us. Sign The Lohanifesto, have your voice heard, and let’s put an end, once and for all, to the lies and hutfulness. The press conference is forthcoming, but in the meantime, if you or anyone in your family is able and willing to help, contact Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg or Lohan herself as soon as you can. Try MySpace. The Lohanvolution has begun, is adequate, and will forever be the way of the future. Viva La Lohan!

NOTE: Click image for larger version of the official symbol of the Lohanvolution – bear or wear it with pride!

America’s Next Top Model: Melrose Place Is Cancelled

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CARIDEE.JPGThe finale for America’s Next Top Model descended upon us last night, and, dare I say, it was the most boring finale ever? Perhaps because this year’s finalists were actually literate, making their Cover Girl commercials surprisingly unhilarious. Even Tyra was shockingly less-mongoloidy then usual! This remaining contestants, CariDee, Melrose and Eugena, flashed their best fake smiles for the camera, with a stern Jay Manuel looking on. (Side Note: Is it just us, or is Jay Manuel slowly morphing into Max Headroom?) The girls aren’t bad, though Melrose seemed to be the most natural. When time came to eliminate one of the girls, CariDee was chosen first. Melrose then put on her “Oh no, I’m f**ked” mask on — only to be picked!

The final Walk-Off was nothing short of hilarious. The theme was “ghost brides”, and had all the potential of being really moving — the dresses were literally drop-dead gorgeous — if it wasn’t for the insane instructions the models were given to run around with white paint on their face, screaming like they just found their baby blue-faced in the crib. For a second, we thought we were watching a trailer for Apocalypto. The episode’s “High Drama Moment” came when CariDee accidentally tore Melrose’s dress with her heel, causing the huge-mouthed mainy to throw a crying fit backstage. It was in that moment that we realized Melrose acted like every entitled starving person we had ever met, and that a win for Melrose was a win for tw*ts… But, luckily, it was CariDee! Who reminds us of a young Rebecca Romaijn. The sad news? No Top Model winner has ever actually become a genuine super-modskies… unless they start dating Queen Latifah, we guess.

Were any of you rooting for Melrose?

GAMES: Guitar Face or O-Face?

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oface.jpgOur friends at Fleshbot (yeah, we have friends at the NSFW Fleshbot, what’s it to ya?) directed us over to the best quiz we’ve seen all week: Guitar Face or O-Face?

It’s not as easy as you’d think. For example, take the picture of Jared Leto here on the left. Is the 30 Seconds To Mars frontman / Urban Legend star rocking out to one of his kick-ass songs about how nobody truly understands him, or is he finishing up with another young wannabe actress who’s only there because they totally loved Jordan Cattalano in 1994? It’s a tough call.

Take the (pretty NSFW) quiz here. And good luck… perverts.

ICYMI: Supermarket of the Stars is Brilliana Douglas

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What happens when celebrities take a job at a supermarket to make some extra cash? Supermarket of the Stars answers all of those questions, as both the awesome Illeana Douglas and Justine Bateman strap on their pink aprons to find out, in scenes that include “price check” line readings with the Indian manager. This is one of the best vids we’ve ever seen on Youtube, we swear it.

Mel Gibson Hates The Jews, Danny Glover, Mayans

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After upsetting the Jews who own Hollywood with an anti-Semetic movie (The Passion Of The Christ) and anti-Semetic rant (the one with the word “sugartits” in it), Mel Gibson has decided it might be in his best interest to move on and upset a group that doesn’t own much of anything: The Mayans.

Indigenous activists in Guatemala are calling Mel’s new movie, Apocalypto, racist. And they haven’t even seen the movie yet– just the trailer! So you know it’s racist.

“Gibson replays, in glorious big budget Technicolor, an offensive and racist notion that Maya people were brutal to one another long before the arrival of Europeans and thus they deserved, in fact, needed, rescue,” said Ignacio Ochoa, director of the Nahual Foundation that promotes Mayan culture. [keep reading]

I’m actually starting to feel bad for Mel. If the guy can’t say that the Jews killed Christ, that the Jews start all the wars in the world, and that the Mayans were bloodthirsty animals, what can he say? “I’m getting too old for this s**t!” No wait… that was Danny Glover’s line.

He’s got nothing.

Britney Spears’ Vagina Jokes: Officially Dead

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Yesterday, we posted our handy-dandy “Britney Spears Vagina Jokes Hilarity Index“, charting the rise-and-inevitable-fall of humor that is Britney’s swollen chassis. We assumed that the lowest point of hilarity would be the inevitable thong joke dropped by Jay Leno chin-minus-3 years from now. But we forgot to take into consideration an almost unfathomable lower point — something unfunnier than Jay Leno’s monologue: Britney Spears… making fun of herself. A reader tips us off to a message on Britney’s website:

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In a way, we’re relieved. It’s kind of like how Seinfeld went off the air in their prime, before “jumping the shark.” By making fun of her own self, Britney has essentially removed the fire from her own vagina. And we thought she’d need a special cream… Bless.

The good news? She’s just getting started, everyone! Keep your eyes peeled for a Paris/Britney Goatse pic at Hyde any day now.

ICYMI: Topher’s Pee-Pee Gun Strangely Arousing

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We don’t remember this preview for the 2006 MTV Movie Awards featuring Topher Grace, Flava Flav and Jessica Alba. Perhaps the over-abundance of the term “Pee-Pee Gun” rubbed the censors the wrong way, or perhaps we ourselves went to the toi-toi during a commercial break on Date My Mom… anyway, men, women and Brigitte Nielsen should really enjoy this one.

(Via College Humor)

While You Were Drunk Texting

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  • Lindsay Lohan’s latest rambling letter to no one in particular falls somewhere between “homeless guy yelling about the apocalypse on a street corner” and “Michael Richards screaming the N-Word” on the Crazy Talk scale.
  • Meanwhile, Britney Spears’ lastest missive of truth encouragingly suggests that the starlet has finally come to the realization that we’re all tired of seeing her vajooj every time she exits an automobile.
  • Across town, Kevin Federline’s latest plea for continued relevance informs us that the wannabe rapper is doing great despite, you know, not selling any albums, getting divorced, having no money and being regarded as America’s Biggest Douchebag.
  • Then we’ve got Joel Madden and Nicole Richie forming an unholy union of who gives a sh*t.
  • And can someone please tell us why Britney is borrowing bad ironic T-shirts from her bodyguard?