ICYMI: Found In Translation

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The jokesters over at CRACKED released another one of their “5 Most…” lists yesterday, this one involving “Ridiculous Celebrity Cameos In Japanese Ads”. Buried deep within this bit of comedic whimsy, we found the following nugget of Charles Bronson badassitude, in which the star of Death Wish shills for a mysterious Japanese product known as MAN DOM:

BWE SPORTS: Third & Long, Week 3

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football1.jpgWhen you think about it, the Falcons were in the ultimate no-win situation on Monday against the Saints. Playing the first game at the Superdome since Hurricane Katrina, Atlanta was handed the despicable task of beating the Saints in a nationally televised broadcast that doubled as the city’s coming out party. If you’re Michael Vick, is this the night you want to throw for 350 yards and four touchdowns? Didn’t think so. The postgame press conference would have been completely uncomfortable for a winning Falcons team:

Al Michaels: Congratulations on the win, coach. How does it feel to send 75,000 New Orleans residents home completely and utterly disappointed tonight?
Coach Mora: Well, I feel dead inside, Al. Thanks for asking.

Luckily, this awkward situation never came about, as the Saints stomped over the Falcons, 23-3, to improve to 3-0 on the season. Good night for the NFL, and I liked Bono’s haircut, too. Even with the Falcons loss (and Green Day on stage during the pregame show), it seems like everybody won here.

Onto the three subplots I found particularly enthralling in Week 3 of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Read more…

ICYMI: Some Wasted Jackass Holding His Unremarkably-Sized Penis, From Which Urine Sporadically Drips, While Being Filmed On the Red Carpet of His Movie Premiere

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We can’t decide what we love best about Steve-O: a) his willingness to publicly engage in the most moronically juvenile behavior imaginable with an utter lack of self-respect or awareness, b) his refusal to acknowledge that even the most fickle of his “fans” will one day grow bored of watching him humiliate and torture himself in exchange for their continued attention, c) his complete embodiment of everything wrong with our culture, or d) symbolically defining for us exactly why we are doomed. We’ll just go with “none of the above” and let Little Stevie molest our minds in this video of his arrival to the premiere of what is currently the #1 movie in America:

Gibson Driving Chevy to Law & Order

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MELGIBSON.JPGYou can’t say we didn’t predict this: Chevy Chase has been hired by Law & Order to portray a “celebrity who is pulled over for drunk driving while wearing blood-soaked clothes, and whose religious prejudice comes out after his arrest.” Blood-soaked clothes? Was there something that happened during the Mel Gibson arrest that the Malibu sherriff’s office didn’t tell us? Did Mel hit a deer and attempt to resuscitate it or something? Nice twist L&O! Way to take an actual item from the news and throw in an element of surprise to make it yours. We can’t wait for some of the other Law & Order‘s upcoming eps:

  • Beefy, ex-TV star makes frantic call reporting daughter’s suicide attempt. Turns out the teenager was lightly scratched by the family cat… only the family cat is a mountain lion.
  • A South African alligator hunter is mysteriously killed when he swims directly into the mouth of a whale. Accident… or is it?
  • A cultish white movie star marries a fellow-white woman with glass eyes who births a little black baby.

No, that last one is more of a Maury Povich episode… from our dreams. The Mel Gibson/L&O fiasco will air on NBC Friday, November 3, at 10 pm.

Kelly Clarkson Likes It ‘Animal Style’ (In Theory)

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kellyclarkson.jpgYesterday Stereogum directed us over to this post: A Guide To Sex-Ing Women In Rock. In it, the author who knows two things, “rock & roll and seduction”, talks about bedding some of the hottest women in rock. Though completely fake, it’s fun to read. Our favorite one has to be the piece about Kelly Clarkson.

She plays a song, makes a beeline for me hanging out to the side of the makeshift stage and whispers in my ear her eagerness to get the hell out of there. We leave. She takes me to In & Out. Her treat. After a couple burgers (Animal Style) she takes me to her palatial Hollywood Hills estate. She has me wait on a couch in her oversized entry room while she “takes care of something.” She returns in an opened kimono and asks if I have any questions. I have none. She has her way with me. She’s a “dig in the fingernails” kind of girl, rage apparently leftover from the “Since You’ve been Gone” era.

You know, if they would’ve put that scene in From Justin To Kelly, we might have actually seen it. Maybe.

The Movie That Knocked Pirates Off the Charts

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We were surprised and enraged this morning when we learned that after 3 months of worldwide plundering, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is no longer at the top of the international box office. So what beat out Pirates this past weekend? Das Parfum (or Perfume: The Story of a Murderer), about a man with a keen sense of smell, who kills beautiful women with the intent to create the perfect perfume out of their scent… aka Shrek 3. Check out the disturbing trailer below (ps, it’s in German), and note how the presence of both Dustin Hoffman and uber-crushy Alan Rickman fails to add the levity one would expect. The film will be released in the U.S. on December 27, 2006 — holiday heartwarmer alert! See you in my nightmares, “dirty-baby finger-grabber.”

PROPPED: It Puts the Lotion In the Beyonce

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Reader mariclare dropped this video of some drag queen’s homage to Beyonce’s “Ring the Alarm”. It’s pretty funny, a pretty good parody of the original, and today’s pretty slow. So please, drop us more stuff – or we’ll be forced to continue posting videos of middle-aged men dressed as women performing their favorite hip-hop songs.

CONTEST: Win Cool Black Keys Stuff

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The Black Keys have a new(ish) album out, Magic Potion, and what better way to celebrate than giving out some free Black Keys stuff? We have an autographed vinyl album, an autographed poster and a copy of the new CD– all you have to do to get your hands on the swag is email us. Easy enough.

First, head over to Culture Bully to download a couple of Black Keys mp3′s, then email us at contests@bwe.tv to be entered into the contest. We’ll choose a winner by the end of the day. Good luck!

UPDATE: Contest is now closed! Thanks to everybody who entered!

Jessica Simpson in Weekend at Bernie’s III

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Take a look at this photo. On the right, a new and improved Ashlee Simpson, or as we chose to call her, “Heidi Klum 3000.” Now, look a little to the left… that ashen-faced dead-eyed deer you see is actually Jessica Simpson. Jessica was seen supporting sister Ashlee’s debut in the London production of Chicago. Our initial reaction was to get the paddles out, scream “clear”, and jolt some electricity back into her sad, deadened heart. But could this all be part of some ingenious campaign to illicit sympathy for the girl who seemed to have it all? Because (pause for boiling hot shower and thorough de-licing) we think it’s working. You can peep more of the opening night pics here. What has happened to America’s darlings?

While You Were Listening To Oprah Radio

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  • A judge has dismissed the $10 million spousal abuse suit that David Gest filed against Liza Minelli. The general public has been advised to stay inside and lock their doors, as Minelli could strike again at any moment.
  • Russell Crowe has angrily denied reports that he is set to play the crocodile hunter Steve Irwin in a movie. Crowe insists he’s the wrong man for the part because he only wrestles drunk people and inanimate objects.
  • Bill O’Reilly complains that nobody invites him to parties. He plans on exploring this phenomena in a 6.5 billion part series titled “Why The Hell Doesn’t Anybody Like Me?”
  • Leonardo DiCaprio has announced that he doesn’t need any more friends. So you might as well cancel that MySpace friend request now buddy, cuz it ain’t gonna happen.
  • Terminator 2 star Edward Furlong has become a father. Friends and family send their congratulations, while a robot army from the future has sent a T-1000.