CAPTION THIS! Straight Dudes Hangin’ Tough

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Lance Armstrong: Dude, that was an amazing concert.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Seriously.
John Mayer: Thank you guys so much for coming.
Slut: OMG! It’s Jake Gyllenhaal!
John: (Loudly) SO JAKE. Can I have a sip of your water?
Jake: Sure… (Laughs and pours water from his dwarf-bottle all over Mayer’s shirt.) Wet t-shirt contest!
Lance: Oh, somebody‘s chilly!
Slut #2: John Mayer! I am such a huge. fan.
John: Oh, thanks. Wow. Um… actually, I don’t sleep with female fans anymore. It’s “not me”. So…
Slut #2: Oh, Ok, I…
Jake: (Blocks her face with his ginormous bicep) Listen, John, Lance and I are gonna get outta here.
John: Cool, cool. Thanks for coming. (They begin to walk away.) Hey… Lance?
Lance: Yeah, John?
John: (Holds up yellow wristband.) Livestrong, my man.
Lance: (Hold up wrist.) Livestrong.
Jake: (Nodding, quietly.) Livestrong.

(Leave your captions in the comments.)

Rape Scandal Rocks Ron Weasley’s B-Day!

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malfoy.jpgThe British tabloids were shocked by reports of an alleged rape that took place at the 18th birthday party of Harry Potter star Rupert Grint (better known as Ron Weasley). As of now, Grint seems to have taken no part in the incident, which has reportedly inspired money-hungry novelist JK Rowling to finally set about to writing her much-requested post-high school follow-up series to the popular novels, tentatively entitled Harry Potter: After Hogwarts. We’ve obtained this exclusive list of the 7 titles the series will be comprised of.

Harry Potter and the Horniness of the Teenager

Harry Potter and the Slipping of the Mickey

Harry Potter and the Dancing of the Dirty

Harry Potter and the Stumbling of the Victim

Harry Potter and the Ignoring of the Protests

Harry Potter and the Raping of the Date

Harry Potter and the Ruining of the Party

These should be pretty compelling, as an overly hormonal college guy wasted on Guiness is a way scarier villain than some glorified David Copperfield who calls himself “Lord Voldemort“.

ICYMI: The Tickle Me (Down There) Elmo Doll

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Rosie O’Donnell had the honor of debuting the 10th Anniversary T.M.X. Elmo Doll on The View this morning. The “T.M.X.” stands for “Tickle Me Extreme”… and, well, “Extreme” is one way to put it. Because, is it just us, or is Elmo… furiously pleasuring himself into a seizure while laughing maniacally? Seriously, is this some sort of raunchy Sesame Street scandal or what? (Ed. Note: If evil masturbating clowns are not your bag, you might want to skip this video entirely.)

SIZZLER: Everybody Is Kung-Fu Humping

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jackie chan.jpgIt’s a well known fact that several of our favorite actors and actresses began their careers in the porn industry. People like Sylvestor Stallone, Paris Hilton, Jenna Jameson and… um, did we say Jenna Jameson? Well, now we can add another name to the list: Jackie Chan.

Kung-Fu film star Jackie Chan yesterday admitted that he acted in a porn movie 31 years ago, responding to a report revealed by Hong Kong media, Information Times reported today.

The name of the movie, for the curious, is All in The Family. As of now it’s still not available on YouTube, but it shouldn’t take long. Chan, (pictured giving his O-face, right) says the whole thing is not a “big deal”, which does not bode well for Asian men trying to shake that stereotype.

SIZZLER: B-List TV Star Waters Lawn!!!

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sandraoh.jpg“Oh” no she didn’t! At 11:45am this morning, TMZ nailed a post to their blog door that will shatter everything you ever thought you knew about celebrities, Hollywood and existence itself. Recently in Los Angeles, on a day that seemed like any other day, at an undisclosed time and location, marginally-famous television actress Sandra Oh walked out her front door, picked up a garden hose coiled idly nearby, turned its spigot handle into the “on” position, pointed this green instrument of hydration at a yard full of unsuspecting flora, and proceeded to spray this H20 compound onto her lawn, evenly distributing this watery terror until not a single plant was left un-spritzed.

9/19…Never Forget.

EXCLUSIVE: Fergie’s Next Video!

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We’ve gotten exclusive uncut (snort) footage of the music video for Fergie‘s latest single, “Clearing Out The Room.” The song is in typical Fergie fashion (unlistenable), and her lovely lady lump seems a little… misplaced. Enjoy.

FULL DISCLOSURE: This isn’t Fergie, rather the The Surreal Life and WWF’s Chyna, wasted out of her brains during a Labor Day taping for The New Tom Green Show. (Yes, he’s back.) But since we’ve been on a Fergie resemblance kick lately, we couldn’t let this one slide.

Hitler? It Nearly Killed Her!

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HITLER.JPGWhen most people think of Hitler and humor, they’re knowledge usually ends at “Springtime for Hitler” and Sarah Silverman (and maybe Charlie Chaplin, for those NYU Film grads out there). But a new book entitled Heil Hitler, Das Schwein is Tot! (Hail Hitler, the Pig is Dead!) chronicles various anti-Nazi jokes told by Germans and Jews alike during World War II. While the jokes fail to induce mild-LOLing from the confines of your cushy cubicles, we imagine that the same jokes probably killed inside the barracks. (Aaaaa-literally.) Nevertheless, it’s an interesting article, and it also reprints some of the “jokes” used over 50 years ago in times of crisis. So at least you’ll be prepared with the most awkward water cooler convo of all time later on today. (Link via Boingboing)

ICYMI: Bill on Hillary (Not Literally)

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While we’re not-so-secretly rooting for Scarlett Johansson to run for President someday (after all, she claims she could “get some things done in the oval office”), it’s probably not going to happen for a while. Instead, we face the possibility of former first lady Hillary Clinton (better political background than Scarlett, not nearly as hot in a tight red dress) gunning for the White House. Hillary’s husband Bill dropped by The Daily Show this week, where Jon Stewart asked him the million dollar question: If Hillary runs for president, what’s the key to defeating her. Watch the clip here (FYI, that question comes about 8 minutes in).

While You Were Swearing Off the Internet (Again)

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  • After publicly claiming to give up the Internet until 2007, Moby made it only 3 days before hopping right back on his online surfboard. At least he did better than the time he publicly claimed to give up being a self-important hippie, then made it only 3 tenths of a second after the conclusion of that statement before telling us all how evil we are for loving steak.
  • Now that Charlton Heston is getting up there in age (he turns 243 next month), the NRA is looking for a new president, and Tom Selleck seems to be the front-running candidate. Moustache? Check. Starring role in popular 80′s cop show that includes name of hand-gun in title? Check. Tough-sounding result when the word “f*cking” is placed between first and last name? Check. He’s got our vote.
  • According to Blender Magazine, K-Fed is going to die in the year 2032. If you’re bummed out by the length of time between now and then, also consider that, according to Blender Magazine, AFI and Panic! at the Disco are “awesome”.
  • A Memphis, Tennessee cocktail waitress has accused Hank Williams Jr. of “choking her” while she attempted to serve him. Guess someone should have listened a little closer to the lyrics of Hank’s hit country tune, “I Like to Choke Memphis Cocktail Waitresses”.
  • Aaron Carter got engaged in Las Vegas last weekend. Clay Aiken says he’s never been happier. Okay, that was easy, but they’d seriously make a good couple.