ICYMI: Ellen Gives K-Fed a Bong

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When K-Fed showed up on the Ellen show this afternoon for his latest stop on the “Not-Great White Veloci-Rap-Tour of 2006″, he mentioned that he needs to stop smoking cigarettes (though I happen to be of the opinion that he should up his habit by a few dozen packs a day). Fearing for the welfare of little Sean Preston, Ellen inexplicably gave K-Fed a big green bong. Maybe she’s still got a few wires crossed after that whole car crash thing.

I. Literally. Cannot. Get. Enough. Of. Suri.

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SUri2.JPGWhile I usually like to post these gossipy tidbits in the classier “royal we” voice, I fear my compatriots would not stand behind my decision to add yet another Suri Cruise posting. Well the hell with ‘em. I’m gonna come right out and say it.

Suri Cruise is the cutest baby I have ever seen. There. It’s out. Yes, it’s even cuter than this. I don’t care if a thetan-mobile hangs over her head, or if her poor sunken-eyed mother wasn’t allowed to make a peep as the child’s glorious mop of hair came poking out of her hindquarters. The kid is absolutely stunning! I can’t get her out of my mind. Everything I did today was punctuated with the thought of Suri. Get a cup of coffee Suri. Flat iron my ankle hair Suri. Call all of my ex-husbands and beg them for a thimble of their seed Suri.

Look at these pictures! No wonder Tom and Kat”i”e didn’t want to release the pics. They best lock that kid up if they knew what was good for it! I’ve got a papoose with a gaping hole of loneliness inside just begging for a tiny blue-eyed eskimo. And, of course, I demand more pictures. In fact, I want my October issue of Vogue to weigh at least 15 pounds, and when I crack it open, the inside of it should be hollowed out to reveal a real life baby. Listen, when you think of how many babies have to be put to sleep at the Humane Society every year, it’s really the right thing to do. I’m sure Anna Wintour can make it happen.

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(See more of the Vanity Fair pics here!)

LISTEN UP: The Times They Are A-Changin’

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  • Bob Dylan has the #1 album in America for the first time in 30 years. It’s about time we got something right. Metro Distortion has a few recent Dylan tracks posted today, including “Rollin’ & Tumblin” off Modern Times.
  • No hablo espanol, however I was still able to figure out that Golfo! posted 5 great tracks by The Rapture today.
  • Head over to my favorite music blog (that I inexplicably misspell the name of, on occasion) Culture Bully to check out two new Beck tracks off his new album The Information.
  • Songs: Illinois says this new Herman Dune track is the best song of the year. What do you think?
  • And finally, for 25 tracks by the eternally underrated Replacements, visit Captain’s Dead. And don’t miss the acoustic version of “Can’t Hardly Wait”.

Was Idiocracy Buried By Idiots or Geniuses?

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idiocracy2.jpgMike Judge, creator of Beavis & Butt-Head and the man responsible for your annoying co-worker’s incessant quoting of Office Space, has a new movie called Idiocracy, starring Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph. A satire of modern American culture, Idiocracy tells the story of a contemporary “average Joe” who is cryogenically frozen and wakes up in the year 3001 to discover that he is the smartest man on Earth, which has become completely populated by morons. Sounds pretty funny, right? Can’t wait until it comes to a theater near you?

Well here’s the thing: you’re not gonna get to see this movie in theaters, because it has already been released, in only 7 cities, with literally no advertising to promote it. Why would distributor 20th Century Fox allow such a high-concept, highly-anticipated film from the writer/director of one of the most memorable comedies of the last 10 years (whose distribution was also cataclysmically mishandled), starring an A-list member of the beloved “Frat Pack”, to simply fade away into unseen obscurity? Is there a behind-the-scenes drama to which we’re not privy, or is this some kind of post-Snakes on a Plane (I can’t believe I just used that phrase) marketing scheme in which the studio cynically pretends not to release its own film, knowing full well that decision could create an online uproar that would send tidal waves of free publicity across the entire World Wide Web? And if this latter conspiracy is correct, did I just play right into their hands? These questions hurt my brain, so decide for yourselves by evaluating the info that can be found on Wikipedia, MySpace and AICN, then let us know what you think in the comments. Have those motherf*ckin’ snakes have gotten us again?

CAPTION THIS! Jessica Misses Nick

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Harry & Lindsay remind Jessica that it’s good to check for lumps at least once a month. Or whenever you’re feeling lonely.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now!

DAILY HASSLE: The Hoff vs. KITT vs. KARR

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dailyhassle2.jpgIt’s been too long since we’ve dropped in on our favorite superhuman being. Hope he hasn’t gotten too lonely in his Fortress of Hoffitude.

  • The Hoff recently said that he never allowed Playboy models to audition for Baywatch because, “somewhere along the line someone was going to get raped”. And we all know how much The Hoff hates being raped.
  • The Hoff is convinced that his forthcoming autobiography will be an inspirational account of his lifelong committment to philanthropy, citing the following as an example: “We went to Soweto during apartheid. We just thumbed our noses at everybody. We used my celebrity as a positive thing.” That’s right, Nelson Mandela ain’t got sh*t on The Hoff!
  • And finally, to make up for our recent lack of Hoff coverage, here is the greatest 3 minutes ever broadcast on television:

ICYMI: Norm McDonald Gets Ridiculous

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ridiculous.jpgGorillamask posted a track from Norm “The Greatest Weekend Update Anchor Ever” McDonald’s upcoming CD. The skit is titled “The World’s First Two Gay Guys” and it features Will “The Greatest SNL Castmember Ever” Ferrell and Jon “The Greatest Subway Sandwiches Spokesman Ever” Lovitz. What a lineup.

Listen to it here. And then, in honor of Lovitz, go out and eat fresh.

Project Runway: Kayne’s Last Hurrah?

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According to the previews, tonight’s Episode 9 of Project Runway features Tim Gunn & the Gang frolicking through the streets of Paris, with Kayne putting the “gay” in “Paree” with a fake goatee and beret, screaming “Oui oui, bonjours!!” so frantically that the entire country of France shuddered to one unaninous douchechill. The Bravo previews seem to focus quite a bit on the poo-eating crazy Vincent, which in our books looks like a clear “auffing.” But this preview seems to say that poor pigeon-boobed Kayne may be the one flying home early. Fair warning: The preview does show some of the gowns from tonight’s ep, so if you want to wait 7.5 more hours with the non-spoiled innocence of the challenge, good on you. To the rest of my people: Is tonight Kayne’s last? If so: Aww.

(In the Style of the Rudy Chant) Suuuu-ri, Suuu-ri, Suri Suri Suri!

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Tom Cruise1.JPGWe are in the best mood! Why? Because the Suri Cruise Vanity Fair hit the newstands with a thetan-heavy thud this morning. While the magazine is being a little Vanity UNFair, in that they’re not allowing certain photos to be published, we’ve already purchased enough issues to completely shellack our foyers in its borderline-creepy-photoshopped goodness. Yes, we think the real father might be Jackie Chan, and yes, the below picture really is straight up “baby toupee“, but look at that face!! Maybe it’s our chronic constipation (aka “food baby”), or maybe it’s our biological Tivo ordering a season pass to loneliness, but celebribaby-mania has really made us yearn for a little cyborg of our own. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to register our profile on BeMyBabysDaddy.com.

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The Crocodile Hunter: Is It Okay To Laugh Yet?

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irwin.JPGAccording to South Park, everything tragic becomes funny after 22.3 years. But what if the tragedy involves a man who called himself The Crocodile Hunter being attacked by a sting ray? Then what are we talking? Like, 3 days?

Despite the fact that he passed away on Monday, people are already cracking jokes at Irwin’s expense. It’s shocking (whoops! That wasn’t supposed to be a sting ray pun, I swear). For instance, The Daily Gut has the Animal Kingdom’s response to Steve’s death. While Scott Adams, the man who created Dilbert (Dilbert! Remember that? Me neither) wrote a far from sensitive and far from funny (just like Dilbert!) post about Irwin’s death which consisted of the line “I believe death is not a laughing matter, unless the guy who gets killed is in the process of bothering dangerous animals.” Okay… it was a little funny. Adams pulled the entry after posting it on his site, but thanks to the magic of Yahoo caches, you can read it here.

So what do you think? Is three days “too soon”? You can either start laughing now, or you can wait another 22.29 years. It’s your call.