Kevin Demands Doritos, Your Continued Attention

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federlineex.jpgThe document wranglers over at The Smoking Gun have obtained a copy of Kevin Federline’s Hospitality Rider, which lists his various demands for the backstage area of his under-attended live performances. While the contents are not particularly surprising (Doritos, cigarettes, Vodka & Red Bull, etc.), what you might not know is this is only the FIRST page of the rider. Through our shadowy network of backstage operatives, BWE.tv has managed to obtain the SECOND page of the document, from which we will share a few of K-Fed’s additional demands:

KEVIN REQUIRES:

A minimum of fifty (50) audience members, paying or otherwise; AND
At least three (3) of which who genuinely want to be there and swear they are not attending to be ironic or funny
One (1) more chance to change Britney’s mind; OR
One (1) capable Divorce Lawyer willing to work pro bono, or in exchange for royalties from sale of future rap songs; OR
One (1) female with functioning genitalia who will voluntarily pleasure Kevin; OR
One (1) paid female escort who will pleasure Kevin for compensation
; OR
One (1) porno movie, with no plot, and a few weeks’ worth of Kleenex

ABSOLUTELY NO:

Heckling, Name-Calling, Insult-Hurling, or Any Other Verbal or Physical Abuse
Fed-Ex packages or logos anywhere, ever
Challenges to Battle by means of Rapping
Posting negative reviews of the show on Craigslist
Use of the phrase “Vanilla Ice”
Discussion of Kevin’s future plans
Text messaging of any sort

Salma Hayek Is Just Taunting Us Now

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salmahayek2.jpgYesterday we posted a picture from Salma’s recent appearance on Ugly Betty. The high definition image, courtesy of MetaDish, has basically rendered us incompetent and unable to complete simple sentences. However, after almost 24 straight hours of staring at it like one of those stupid Magic Eye pictures at a mall kiosk, we were ready to move on. And then this happened:

Taxi Driver Movie.com has a few pictures of Salma stripping her shirt off while trying on clothes. Come on now, Salma. Now you’re just being mean. I never thought I’d say this, but seriously Salma, please just keep your shirt on. How are we expected to go on with our day if you keep disrobing in public? Seriously. Just stop. You’re gonna get me fired.

Cringe at The Office While Avoiding Work At The Office

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THEOFFICEMINDY.JPGAs Michael Scott would say “Spoiler… A-lert.” If you missed The Office last night, NBC has gone out of their way to please us and posted an extended Producer’s Cut of the episode online. Sure, you’ll have a strange craving for the technically undrinkable Sierra Mist afterwards, but it may actually be worth it. In addition, head honcho Greg Daniels live-blogged for about an hour last night, answering fan questions. It’s funny, but fails to seriously answer any of your burning inquiries.

So if you actually saw “Branch Closing”, you’ll agree that it felt a little bit different than normal… in that things actually happened in the plot. Big things. Dare I even say, twists and turns? Jan tells Michael that Dunder Mifflin will be closing the Scranton branch, and that he’ll be out of a job. Without giving too much away, let’s just say that of course Steve Carell isn’t leaving the show. And that America’s Crush© Jim has another big move on his hands. So far, this season is shaping up to get really good… like The Fugitive good. Also, is it weird that we’re rooting for a Michael/Jan romance just as bad as a Pam/Jim hump-a-thon? (Worst way to describe sex? Almost def.)

Finally, last night’s Scene Stealer Award goes to Mindy Kaling, i.e. Kelly, who had by far the biggest laugh moments of the episode. As per usual, post fan-fic/thoughts in the comments.

Spiderman 3 Trailer Premieres on Web (Get It?)

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In case you haven’t already seen it, the Spiderman 3 trailer debuted on the web last night. Our first thought? “Wait, is that the guy from Wings? Crazy.” Our final thought? We love the Spiderman franchise, but fear that this movie might be way over-CGI’d… And not the good Lord of the Rings kind, but the bad Jumanji kind. Check it out below, and trust that no matter what, we’ll be in a theater come May 4, 2007.

While You Were Concluding Your Best Week Ever

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  • An Italian priest has refused to wed Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes because Tom is twice-divorced. Oh, and because their relationship is a sham. But let’s go with that divorce thing, okay?
  • Kevin Federline has turned to cigarettes and alcohol to help him get over Britney Spears. Of course, since all Kevin did when they were together was smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol, it’s unclear as to whether this technically qualifies as a coping mechanism.
  • Val Kilmer confessed he’d rather get with Oprah Winfrey than Nicole Richie. In other news, hey! Oprah producers! Val Kilmer is totally available and would love to do the show sometime. Did you hear him say that he’d f**k her? Come on, give him a call.
  • Two frat boys who made racist and sexist comments in Borat are prepared to sue 20th Century Fox for making them look stupid on camera. This follows the lawsuit filed against their parents for making them look stupid in life.
  • Cameron Diaz wants a nose job because she can’t breathe. Coincidentally, that’s the same reason Justin wants to dump her.

…OF THE DAY

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  • COCK ROCK: Having bored with boning metalheads who play the guitar, Jenna Jameson has created her own. It turns up to “69″. (Idolator)
  • MYSPACE BULLETIN: Some crappy blues-rock band from Louisiana called Bones got their MySpace page hijacked by the even crappier Sci-Fi show from Fox with the same name. (Wired)
  • RHETORICAL QUESTION: Will Michael Jackson’s comeback performance be a ‘freak show’?” (The Scoop)
  • CAVE-DWELLER: Lindsay Lohan, for “not knowing anything” about Britney’s divorce. I guess she’s too busy planning her next strategic Paris Hilton name-calling move. (TMZ)
  • BACKSTAGE DEMANDS: Iggy Pop’s. Of the day? These are actually the greatest of all time. (The Smoking Gun)

Bill Maher Is the Perez Hilton of Smug Lefty Comics

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douche - billmaher.jpgLast night on Larry King Live, political comedian Bill Maher decided to “out” RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman, claiming the conservative is gay. While I tend to agree with Maher’s political opinions more often than I don’t, and while I always delight in seeing a “homophob-ocrite” (new word!) squirm, there’s just something so obnoxious about the way Maher conducts his nasty little bit of business. First of all, his ever-present “got it all figured out” smirk makes me want to beat him mercilessly with Ann Coulter’s shoe, and the “infinitely omnipotent” tone his voice always seems to take falls somewhere between “my parents humping” and “nails on a chalkboard” on the scale of sounds I enjoy hearing. And where the hell does someone who the bimbos at the Playboy Mansion privately refer to as “Sleazy B” get off sounding more self-righteous than Michael Moore in a room full of mentally retarded right-wingers? Maher, unable to simply enjoy this week’s electoral victories with any amount of quiet dignity, ostensibly went on TV and gloated obnoxiously by calling some GOP dipsh*t a “fag”. Classy, Bill – why not just start a blog on which you use MS Paint to draw crude slurs on pictures from The New Republic, offer editorial insights such as “Dennis Hastfart is so totes a junkie homobooger, bitchez!” and annoyingly refer to yourself in the third person? Either way, you’re today’s Daily Douche.

Top 10 Things To Remember Ed Bradley By

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BRADLEY.JPGWe want to take a moment from our regularly snarky schedule to reminisce all the thing we loved about Ed Bradley, the 60 Minutes anchor who passed away this morning at only 65 years of age. We weren’t aware Bradley suffered from leukemia, so his death caught us completely off guard. To honor the great newsman, we’ve put together a list of the 10 things we’ll miss most about him.

10. His Love of Jazz. As a young man, Bradley earned $1.50 an hour spinning jazz records at night while teaching during the day. His love of jazz continued for the remainer of his life, and even while working the 60 Minutes shift, Bradley still made time to host the Jazz from Lincoln Center radio program heard on NPR. You can learn basically all about his love of jazz here.

9. His Moxie. Bradley earned an Emmy Award for exposing sexual abuse in the Catholic Church in June of 2002, and scored the only televised interview granted with Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh. Bradley also broke the news that the authority failed to catch various pieces of evidence that could have prevented the Columbine school shooting massacre. He wasn’t afraid to expose people or things and confronted controversy head on.

8. His Affinity For Brightly Colored Hawaiian Shirts.
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Who knew?

The list continues after the jump.

Read more…