Kelly Clarkson Likes It ‘Animal Style’ (In Theory)

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kellyclarkson.jpgYesterday Stereogum directed us over to this post: A Guide To Sex-Ing Women In Rock. In it, the author who knows two things, “rock & roll and seduction”, talks about bedding some of the hottest women in rock. Though completely fake, it’s fun to read. Our favorite one has to be the piece about Kelly Clarkson.

She plays a song, makes a beeline for me hanging out to the side of the makeshift stage and whispers in my ear her eagerness to get the hell out of there. We leave. She takes me to In & Out. Her treat. After a couple burgers (Animal Style) she takes me to her palatial Hollywood Hills estate. She has me wait on a couch in her oversized entry room while she “takes care of something.” She returns in an opened kimono and asks if I have any questions. I have none. She has her way with me. She’s a “dig in the fingernails” kind of girl, rage apparently leftover from the “Since You’ve been Gone” era.

You know, if they would’ve put that scene in From Justin To Kelly, we might have actually seen it. Maybe.

The Movie That Knocked Pirates Off the Charts

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We were surprised and enraged this morning when we learned that after 3 months of worldwide plundering, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is no longer at the top of the international box office. So what beat out Pirates this past weekend? Das Parfum (or Perfume: The Story of a Murderer), about a man with a keen sense of smell, who kills beautiful women with the intent to create the perfect perfume out of their scent… aka Shrek 3. Check out the disturbing trailer below (ps, it’s in German), and note how the presence of both Dustin Hoffman and uber-crushy Alan Rickman fails to add the levity one would expect. The film will be released in the U.S. on December 27, 2006 — holiday heartwarmer alert! See you in my nightmares, “dirty-baby finger-grabber.”

PROPPED: It Puts the Lotion In the Beyonce

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Reader mariclare dropped this video of some drag queen’s homage to Beyonce’s “Ring the Alarm”. It’s pretty funny, a pretty good parody of the original, and today’s pretty slow. So please, drop us more stuff – or we’ll be forced to continue posting videos of middle-aged men dressed as women performing their favorite hip-hop songs.

CONTEST: Win Cool Black Keys Stuff

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The Black Keys have a new(ish) album out, Magic Potion, and what better way to celebrate than giving out some free Black Keys stuff? We have an autographed vinyl album, an autographed poster and a copy of the new CD– all you have to do to get your hands on the swag is email us. Easy enough.

First, head over to Culture Bully to download a couple of Black Keys mp3′s, then email us at contests@bwe.tv to be entered into the contest. We’ll choose a winner by the end of the day. Good luck!

UPDATE: Contest is now closed! Thanks to everybody who entered!

Jessica Simpson in Weekend at Bernie’s III

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Take a look at this photo. On the right, a new and improved Ashlee Simpson, or as we chose to call her, “Heidi Klum 3000.” Now, look a little to the left… that ashen-faced dead-eyed deer you see is actually Jessica Simpson. Jessica was seen supporting sister Ashlee’s debut in the London production of Chicago. Our initial reaction was to get the paddles out, scream “clear”, and jolt some electricity back into her sad, deadened heart. But could this all be part of some ingenious campaign to illicit sympathy for the girl who seemed to have it all? Because (pause for boiling hot shower and thorough de-licing) we think it’s working. You can peep more of the opening night pics here. What has happened to America’s darlings?

While You Were Listening To Oprah Radio

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  • A judge has dismissed the $10 million spousal abuse suit that David Gest filed against Liza Minelli. The general public has been advised to stay inside and lock their doors, as Minelli could strike again at any moment.
  • Russell Crowe has angrily denied reports that he is set to play the crocodile hunter Steve Irwin in a movie. Crowe insists he’s the wrong man for the part because he only wrestles drunk people and inanimate objects.
  • Bill O’Reilly complains that nobody invites him to parties. He plans on exploring this phenomena in a 6.5 billion part series titled “Why The Hell Doesn’t Anybody Like Me?”
  • Leonardo DiCaprio has announced that he doesn’t need any more friends. So you might as well cancel that MySpace friend request now buddy, cuz it ain’t gonna happen.
  • Terminator 2 star Edward Furlong has become a father. Friends and family send their congratulations, while a robot army from the future has sent a T-1000.

Best Night Ever: Monday, September 25th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, September 25th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Deal or No Deal, Two and a Half Men, and Studio 60!

…OF THE DAY

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  • K.I.T.T.-y CAT: In a report alleging that The Hoff would stoop so low as to put in a bogus 911 call claiming his daughter had attempted suicide, the TMZ crack team left the backdoor of Hyde nightclub long enought to somehow snap this amazing shot of the “Hasselhoff family cat” in its natural Hoffitat. (TMZ)
  • ILL-TIMED POLITICAL STATEMENT: George Michael kicked off his latest tour with an onstage protest spectacle featuring an enormous blow-up President Bush getting a blow-job from a British bulldog. Nice to see Curious George keeping a “low profile” after he got caught boning that old van driver in the forest. (This Is London)
  • THE ANTI-LETO: John Mayer nod only tolerates blogging, he actually participates in it – and with a sense of humor, too! (John Mayer’s Blog)
  • KATE HUDSON FOOT FETISH: This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home, and this this little piggy left her hippie husband for The Butterscotch Stallion. (Wampoon)
  • BEST USE OF A DARRYL STRAWBERRY PHOTO: Defamer hit it out of the park with their post examining TMZ’s examination of the “strawberry flavored cocaine” phenomenon. (Defamer)

John Madden Kills Again

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madden.jpgDo you believe in curses? Well, everybody who roots for the Seattle Seahawks or who drafted Shaun Alexander in their fantasy league does. The legendary John Madden has struck again!

Is it the Madden cover jinx? Seahawks star Shaun Alexander, the latest to grace the cover of the game, is the latest to get hurt. Alexander is out indefinitely with a broken foot. [keep reading]

If you head over to Snopes.com you’ll learn that yes, the Madden cover jinx is very, very real. From Eddie George to Donovan McNabb, every single player who has graced the cover of Madden has been cursed the following season. Broken bones, fractures, hernias; you name it. If you’re on the cover, you’re going to suffer.

Now if only USWeekly had a similar problem…

CAPTION THIS! McCartney Looks for Love

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Looks like Paul McCartney is lettin’ the ladies know what they’re missing out on… 5 inches of multi-billion dollar lovin’.

Can you do better? (That shouldn’t be hard… hey-o!) Leave your caption after the jump!