LISTEN UP: Click Your Mouse Say Thanks!

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  • You Ain’t No Picasso has a new and exlusive Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! track, “Satan Said Dance,” as well as two other song from their new album.
  • Do you sometimes find yourself sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth while drool and tears run freely from your faceholes because Radiohead hasn’t had a new album for the past 3 years? Puddlegum is here to rub your back and tell you that it’s coming together… slowly.
  • In the meantime, satisfy your addictive rock craving with some vintage Kinks tunes at XXXRockrula.
  • Razorblade Runner boasts two hot new tracks from Snoop Dogg and LCD Soundsystems. We dare you to make a mash-up.
  • This one goes out to all the single ladies out there… Jingle Cats! Try not to kill youself over at Yeti Don’t Dance. No really, it’s scary.

BWEXAMINATIONS: Britney Vajayjay Jokes

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In the realm of pop culture, the lifespan of every trend, phenomenon and fad can be scientifically tracked and charted – even genital jokes. After her spree of grisly vagina shots last week, comedy writers (ourselves included) took more shots at Britney Spears than paparazzi in a panty store. Below, we examine this joke’s rise in popularity, the inevitable tipping point, and its subsequent decline into hacky awfulness. CLICK IMAGE FOR FULL SIZE.

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The Screech Sex Tape Is REAL

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screechedcard.JPGIt pains us to do this, and yet it must be done. A few months ago our world – and our collective psyche – was rocked by the news that Dustin Diamond, the actor who played Screech on our beloved Saved By the Bell, made a raunchy sex tape that leaked to the Internet. Desperately trying to grasp onto our remaining few shreds of innocence, we speculated the tape was a hoax, a publicity stunt, or a very bad Zach Morris-esque prank of some sort. However, today we were finally forced to confront the painful reality of this abomination against everything that is right and good after a reader sent us a link to the entire video (WARNING: This is PORN. Very NSFW, very disturbing, and potentially capable of causing long-term psychological damage). All we can say is it is even crazier than we had imagined – the SBtB-like credit sequence (with gross sanchez-ing sound), the bubble bathing, the bantering, the unspeakable acts of Screech-on-slut sexuality. Watch if you can, have your nostalgia annihilated, and endanger your own ability to ever reach arousal again. In fact, try masturbating to it – we dare you.

Conan O’Brien’s Manatee Gone Wild

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Not since the Masturbating Bear have we been this excited about an animal on Conan. Meet the Horny Manatee, a mammal so hard-up it started its own website that has it all. Solo action, Man on Manatee action, Manatee on Manatee lovin, and a live webcam too. We’d tell you to check it out, but first you should probably find out your company’s policy on Manatee porn.

Link via Gorillamask

SCANDALOUS! Santa Loses It!!!

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Whats the deal with Santa? The former Christmas star unleashed a tirade of racial slurs toward a group of audience members who heckled the “jolly man” at a comedy club late last night. Warning: This video is profane and racial.

It’s a shame, really. The elves are calling for a boycott of Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. Such a shame.

SIZZLER: No No No No No No No!

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paris vh1.jpgThe next time Paris Hilton bangs a sleazy dude in the bathroom of Hyde after downing a dozen Redbull & vodkas there’s a good chance she won’t just be doing it for pleasure– she’ll be doing it to procreate.

That’s right people… buckle up…. Paris Hilton wants to be a mother. A MIPF, if you will (MIPF= mother I’ve probably f**ked.) According to Hollywood Rag, Paris told Life & Style Weekly “It’s been my dream to have four babies by 30. I look after animals, so I’d have a lot to give my kids.”

That quote makes my brain hurt.

Let’s start with the four babies by 30 part. Paris knows that babies take 9 months to make, right? You can’t just buy one on Rodeo Drive, or borrow one from Britney and not return it. Actually… she probably could. Nevermind. Okay, four babies by 30 may not be so hard after all.

“I look after animals, so I’d have a lot to give my kids.” Now, I’m not sure if Paris saying “besides herpes, I’d also give my kids animals to play with” or “I know exactly how to take care of kids– make sure you take them outside to crap 3 times a day, and when you go leave them in the car to go shopping don’t forget to leave the window open a crack.” Either way, we have to stop her. I’m not sure how, but we need to come together as a society and make sure that the only thing coming out of Paris’ vagina are the D-list celebrities that are going in.

Forget about Iraq– we need a study group to get on this NOW.

TRAILER MIX: Bloody Mary

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This trailer for Mary Poppins as a horror movie (one of the better entries we’ve seen in the growing pantheon of “changing the tone of a classic movie for comedic effect” clips) is actually more scary and compelling than most of the recent trailers for actual horror movies.

(via The Disney Blog)

UPDATE: Apparently BWE.tv scooped the entire Internet and first posted this all the way back in October. And apparently I don’t read our blog (in fact, even though this has now been posted twice, I still haven’t watched it).

What2Watch2Night: Hot Models, Hot Fatties & Hot Chefs

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TYRA21.JPGThere is a lot of noteworthy television on tonight — so put the kids to bed at 6, throw back a fistful of martinis, and use this handy guide to make sure you catch every moment.

8:00 PM: America’s Next Top Model Finale, CW: Tyra Banks has narrowed down 12 cokey young hopefuls to the top 3 models, and tonight is decision time. Between CariDee, Melrose and Eugena, which young woman will spend the next week of her life working as an actual model and the rest of eternity as a old reality show star who never had a chance in hell of making it in Milan? We have been rooting for CariDee from the beginning, but have a sinking feeling that the mouthy, psycho-eyed Melrose will take the prize. Expect to find out the winner after a 17-minute long speech from Tyra where she talks about how modeling is like being the rocket scientist of facial expressions.

9:00 PM The Biggest Loser, NBC: What better chaser to a reality show about models than a reality show about frustrated obese people losing weight the old fashioned way (diet and exercice)? Tonight is their final week at the diet ranch, meaning they’re actually starting to look strangely hot. Cram your face with Mallomars as they cry on the elliptical machine, fire up that Mongolian barbecue as they cry on the treadmills, play “I’m a Candy Cane Walrus” as they cry on the Stairmaster. Then submit your application for next season.

TOPCHEF1.JPG10:00 PM Top Chef, Bravo: Initially, we greatly resented Top Chef for taking over our beloved Project Runway slot. But we finally gave in, when we realized that it’s actually one of the best shows on TV. Our three favorites, Elia, Sam, and Wolverine (Marcel) are still in the mix to win, if they don’t slit each other’s throats first. In tonight’s ep, the chefs must create a meal without the benefits of appliances… we assume Michael will dump a can of baked beans on a plate and stick a French toothpick flag in it, God bless him. Note to judges: We only have room for one Ugly Betty on our tv screens – kick the bitch off already.

11:00 PM – 3:00 AM: Seinfeld, Your Hearts.

Side Note: Even though the highly anticipated Christmas episode of The Office isn’t debuting until next Thursday, Yahoo TV has been kind enough to bless us with 3 clips from the show. We’ve been craving Christmas Goose ever since. (via OfficeTally)

GAMES: The Idiot Test

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Maybe it’s because the name of the game is “The Idiot Test,” but I’ve never been more nervous playing a stupid online puzzle game in my entire life. Nobody wants to look like an idiot– wait, let me rephrase that; nobody, other than people who appear on reality TV, wants to look like an idiot. So despite the fact that this game makes Deal or No Deal look like a Mensa entrance exam, the added stress of not wanting to be stupid makes it harder than it should be. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. And good luck. Stupid.

Link via Collegehumor