We really don’t give Jessica Simpson enough credit. For a girl whose father is this side of Molesty Culkin, she is unbelieeeevably normal. Daddy Joe Simpson is a frosty-tipped publicity gigolo who, for an ex-pastor, has absolutely no problem taking photos of his daughter in pure ex-coital bliss. Let’s kick off the creeptown train and reminisce to 2004, when Joe waxed hoetic to GQ Magazine about Jess’s rack: “She’s got double-D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!” In his defense, Jessica tells Jane:
We’re Podunk Southern. And my dad is very open about his ideas and…it’s disgusting that people would actually think…people are making a judgment on something that is false.
Is it disgusting, Jessica? Is it? Because, judging by the above photograph, taken by your father, a bedsheet barely covering up your bathing suit places and an indentation in the neighboring pillow that just screams Premarital Sex, we think your father should take a long hard look at his insanely puppet-like features, run his fingers over that rhinestoned WWJD bracelet he so loves, and reconsider what exactly his motives are. Feel free to talk about your huge rack J, but please, keep it outside of the family.
If Jessica Simpson starts working on her hacky stand-up schtick, she could have a bright future on the red carpet once all the Botox has finished its total annihilation of her face.
Dan Hopper is here to bring you the very best moments from Thursday night TV. It’s Best Night Ever!
In a world of LoneyGirl15′s and Numa Kids, it’s rare that I say a YouTube sketch video flirts with genius, but Olde English’s spoof of the recent “picture-a-day” video trend, which tells the story of a man’s entire life in a cleverly cut-together series of still photographs, is pretty f’ing impressive. You’ll want to watch it several times to get all the jokes!
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Tonight the New York Mets and the St. Louis Cardinals go head-to-head in Game 7 of the NLCS to determine who faces the Detroit Tigers in the World Series. So if you’re a Mets fan, Cardinals fan, or baseball fan you should be excited about a great night of baseball. Everybody else: be excited that you’re one step closer to all new episodes of Standoff, only on Fox!
Are you watching the game tonight? And if so, who are you rooting for? The Mets? The Cardinals? Or simply the return of your regularly scheduled programs? Vote now!
I bet when this guy left his friends and family back in Ohio, he was like, “I’m going to Hollywood to be a big movie star, just like Brad Pitt!” And now here he is on a balmy day in Long Beach, shivering next to some off-duty lower-back-branded stripper, miserably cupping his shriveled junk in his hands whilst the lesser-known Hilton sister has her fully-clothed picture taken to launch the branding campaign for the “Nicky O” hotel chain her daddy gave her. All those acting classes and modeling lessons are really paying off now, aren’t they, Sir Laurence Olivier? I mean, without your flaccid man bits hanging about there, how else will weary travelers know that Nicky O is the one hotel that really lets you whore it up? Put this in your portfolio, fierce-nuts: you’re today’s Daily Douche!
We are completely obsessed with all programming happening over at VH1 (it’s nearly bonus time, OK?), and can’t help but feel really let down that the following nugget o’geen, The Liza Minnelli and David Gest Show, i.e. Newlyweds III: The Horror, never made it to air. (Their divorce may or may not have played a part.) Check out the first 10 minutes of show below (it might be all you’ll need), but if you’re feeling particularly Unfrozen-Caveman-Lawyerish, you can see Part II and Part III by clicking on the part you’d like to see.