SIZZLER: How Rude Indeed

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sweetin_tmz_1201_275.jpgOne of our favorite online activities is heading over to TMZ to find out which celebrities were denied entry to the world blog-famous nightclub Hyde the night before. Tara Reid, Tila Tequila, Bobby Brown– they’ve all been shunned by the cool kids who control the velvet rope. Well, last night they added another victim to the list: Stephanie Tanner.

Watch the video here. Poor Steph– as if growing up a middle child in a house full of bad jokes and mullets wasn’t bad enough. Adding insult to injury, later that night Kimmy Gibler and her entourage were ushered right in past the velvet rope. And I don’t even want to get into what Uncle Joey was doing to Aunt Becky in the VIP room while Jessie was out of town with The Rippers. The man had no mercy whatsoever.

The Most Viral Videos Of All Time

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The other day we mentioned that somebody made a list of the top ten viral videos ever (ever being 2000 – present). Somehow, that clip of the girl and a horse that your friend sent to you in college didn’t make the cut. Well, today the folks at MSNBC were kind enough to add videos. Anyway, here they are… along with our personal favorite below
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The Office: Someday We’ll Find It, the Ainbow-Ray Onnection-Kay

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JIMOFFICE1.JPGMaybe it’s the fact that it’s been two weeks since the last new episode, or maybe it’s that the 10-hour season 2 Thanksgiving marathon we subjected friends and family to made us yearn for some new moments. But last night’s episode of The Office, “The Convict” — written by the UK Office creators Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant — reached into our chest Mortal-Kombat-style, ripped out our heart, and proceeded to tickle it with a comically long feather for its entire 22 minute runtime. Michael and Co. learn that one of the Stamford branch employees is actually an ex-con… and it just happens to be the “black guy.” The reality that the ex-con happens to be African-American is way too much for Michael to handle — going out of his way to prove that blacks are stand-up citizens in the community. We’re sure Danny Glover is super-psyched that the tooliest boss on TV holds him in higher regard than Pam’s Dad and/or Justin Timberlake. Once the Dunderlings learn how awesome the freedoms of prison sound compared to their dreary day jobs, Michael throws on his favorite do-rag (it’s purple) in order to prove how working at a paper company beats being someone’s prison bitch any day of the week. (And his singling out of Ryan as his “Belle of the Ball” may have provided our biggest laugh.)

But perhaps the most exciting thing? Looks like the Pam/Jim chemistry has been swirled around in the angst beaker just long enough for the sparks to start flying again. The hilarious Andy asks Jim for the inside info on how to score with Pam, only to learn exactly how NOT to (frolf tournies, Pig Latin, etc.) Fans of Jim reaction shots had much to squeal over, as there were roughly 2,316 of them (though the slow spin around/quick glance shot was the best), and it seems pretty obvious that even though Jim’s dating Karen, Pam will be back in his lanky arms within a couple of months (or maybe sooner?!?!?!) Dare we say it…. we might be Team Pam again.

NBC will spend the next week or so teasing you with deleted scenes. Two are up now — and for those missing Dwight in last night’s episode, it’s a nice consolation prize — and more will pop up over the week. What’d you guys think of the episode?

Lohan Still “Drivin’ That Train, High On Cocaine”

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lohantoplessfinger.jpgPhew. Just yesterday we were fearing for our livelihood after reading a report that Lindsay Lohan was making an uncharacteristic foray into the world of good decisions by attending AA meetings to get her problems with alcohol under control. But today is a new day, and it would now seem that last night’s bad dreams of no longer being able to put food on the table have come to a miraculous end with this item in Page Six recounting the latest Cristal-fueled public indignities of the tempestuous tartlet. This tour-de-force performance at the GQ Men of the Year Dinner has all the elements of a Lohan classic – starting an inane feud with another actress who utterly doesn’t care, drunkenly hitting on Leonardo DiCaprio (and getting laughed off, then settling for some face-sucking with Jackass Knoxville), being humiliated by her own mother, and the real kicker, causing Will Ferrell to make a snide remark that wasn’t even a joke:

Overhearing her tirade about Biel’s assistant, Will Ferrell turned to DiCaprio, Gore and Affleck and said, “Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?” – setting off laughter.


Yowzers. Alienating Will Farrell!?!? That’s one embarassing meltdown away from Jay Leno calling you a “worthless tw*t”.

While You Were Beginning Your Long December

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  • Eddie Murphy has signed on to reprise the role of Axel Foley for a fourth Beverly Hills Cop movie. Axel’s mission will be his most difficult one yet: revive Eddie’s career.
  • Jay Leno is suing a book publisher for stealing his jokes. Apparently it was too hard for them to make their own untimely Monica Lewinsky jokes.
  • According to In Touch magazine, 68% of readers approve of the Britney Spears – Paris Hilton friendship. The other 32% work in social services.
  • Pete Doherty has been named the UK’s biggest anti-icon for consistently making headlines for all the wrong reasons. How bad is he? This is the best news he’s gotten all year.
  • The ladies of The View are standing up for Danny DeVito, insisting that he’s a fun drunk, not an alcoholic. They made the distinction based on the fact he was able to go a full 20 minutes without being anti-Semetic or calling anybody “sugartits.”

…Of The Day

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  • REALITY SHOW: With all the countless reality shows about the inane adventures of J-list pseduo-celebs, could we please get a camera on Anna Nicole? (E! Online)
  • BACHELOR PARTY: Now that his divorce from Denise Richards is official, Chuck Sheen will continue banging lots of the same whores he did when he was married. (TMZ)
  • COOKIE MONSTER: 50 Cent called Oprah an Oreo, then went to go dip himself into some milk. (Page Six)
  • GOOD NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO HATE LAUGHING: Having achieved total domination of unfunniness on television, SNL is turning their hilarity-lacking sights towards the realm of the Internets. (TV Squad)
  • FEEL GOOD MOVIE: A documentary about man-horse sex was selected for competition in the Sundance Film Festival, and added to my own list of this year’s “must-see” movies. (Seattle Times)

SIZZLER: Jennifer Lopez Has Never Raped a Baby!***

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JLO1.JPGWe were a little surprised when we learned that Jennifer Lopez and main squeeze Skeletor attended the TomKat nuptuals in Italy a few weeks ago. (And on what planet in hell did these two celebrity couples meet-and-greet, we ask?) Well, it turns out J-Lo has been getting cozy with the Thetan-free twosome, and has started practicing the tenets of Scientology in order to conceive her first Lil’ Lopez. And guess who’s guiding her? Why, it’s every Scientologist’s best friend and former Saved By the Bell “star” Leah Remini! Leah used Scientology to help her get pregnant, “putting the positive energy where [she] want[ed] it”… like her vagina, apparently.

Luckily, Marc Anthony has bought into another cult, Catholicism (serious JK you guys!!! We live for Catholics!), so it doesn’t look like J-Lo’s going to make the full-on conversion anytime soon… that is, until she finds Jenna Elfman hiding under her bed holding a butcher’s knife with which to cut out Xenu’s unborn fetus body living gestating inside America’s Latina Princess. Dharma’s a bitch.

***If you do not get the title reference, please read this. And, side note, congrats to Leah Remini for using a fake religion to befriend so many Hollywood A-List celebs. You don’t see Kevin James poo-pooing with Clooney anywhere, do you? Do you?!

11.30.06: The Day The Music Died

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geri haliwell.jpeg“As far as music is concerned, I feel like I’ve given it my best. When I see how desperate people are for that chance, I realize I’ve had my turn and now I have to let it go.”

And just like that a true visionary says goodbye to the world of music. Geri Halliwell– the one-time Ginger Spice and the all-time greatest– announced she is retiring from the industry. Take a moment to collect yourself.

What does this mean, you’re probably asking yourself. Well, for starters, it means the Spice Girls will not be reuniting. It means there will be no Spice World 2. It means your children’s children’s children will never experience the joy of seeing The Single Greatest Band To Come Out Of England Ever Ever ™ live in concert. And it means that Geri Halliwell will probably have her Wikipedia page deleted in 3 or 4 years after being deemed “un-noteable.”

So take a moment to tip your drink and pour some out for Geri Halliwell and the Spice Girls. Because today’s the day… that two… become none. Ziggy zig-ah indeed.