ICYMI: Wow, Shalit Really Let Himself Go

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Frankly, we have no idea what’s going on in this clip from yesterday’s SUPER-spooky episode of The Today Show. We gather that Matt “No Socks” Lauer is playing Captain Jack Sparrow across Al Roker’s portrayal of ghost pirate Davy Jones (though at first we thought Gene Shalit was just neglecting his personal grooming again) in some sort of ill-conceived Pirates of the Caribbean spoof out in front of the Dean & Deluca. The rest is of this filmed enigma we leave to you to decipher.

Cindy Margolis Gets Slightly More Naked Than Usual

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cindymargolis.jpgIn an effort to make us all forget about her short lived stint on Celebrity Cooking Showdown, internet star Cindy Margolis will be posing butt-ass naked in the upcoming issue of Playboy. For those of us who have followed Cindy’s career since she crowned herself “The Most Downloaded Person On The Internet”, this means we’ll finally get to see the .8% of Cindy that’s been covered by her miniscule bathing suits for all these years.

Apparently we’re not the only people excited about seeing a 41-year-old’s naughty parts. ABC News let their inner 15-year-old boy out by reporting the story with the headline Cindy Margolis Takes it All Off, Finally, while everybody else is commending her for stripping down for a good cause; Margolis did the shoot to raise money for Resolve, the nationality infirtility organization… and also to give dudes boners. But more importantly, that Resolve thing.

To see the NSFW pics sans-Paul Scheer’s strategically placed head, go on over to the Drunken Stepfather now. Perverts. It’s for a good cause.

ICYMI: Ren Gives It To Stimpy. Hard.

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Gorillamask calls this clip that definitively proves once and for all that Ren & Stimpy were gay “the opposite of subtle.” I think that’s an understatment.

As a child who loved Ren & Stimpy, it never dawned on me that my two favorite cartoon characters were sleeping together. I wonder who else was “doing it” right in front of my unsuspecting eyes. He-Man & Ram Man? It all makes sense now.

Memo 2 God: Give Anna Nicole a Small Break

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annanicole daniel.JPGNever does a public feel guiltier than when one of their favorite Hollywood battering rams suffers through a heart-breaking tragedy. Such is the case with Anna Nicole Smith, aka The Smothers Brothers of Yo-Yo Dieting, the flightly blonde bimbo who’s self-titled E! show forever branded her as barely capable of wiping herself. An easy target, she was, until early September when her 20-year-old son Daniel passed away, three days after the birth of her baby girl.

But the tragic news just keeps on rolling in. Just days after Daniel’s death, a paternity debate erupted over the father of her new baby girl — one that had even Maury Povich being all “too soon.” Now, today, TMZ is reporting that Anna Nicole has been ADMITTED TO A BAHAMIAN HOSPITAL WITH PNUEMONIA. (Emphasis ours.) THE PNUEMONES!

So Memo 2 God: Please, we’re begging you, lay off the poor woman. As we speak, it’s gonna take another 15 years to ever make a joke about her again — maybe longer — and the more heartache and illness you doom her with, the more years we have to tack on to that number. Plus, you know, there’s also the issue of her being miserable, sad, etc. etc., so, you know… I think we all agree the woman has paid her inconsolable grievance debt to society. Thank U!

Then again, she may have dyed her baby’s hair. We are so torn right now.

Liveblogging Borat: No Spoilers, We Swear

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ROOSTER.JPGThe CMJ Festival kicked off here in New York yesterday, and in addition to the 40,000 indie rock bands playing in the city this week, there is also the added bonus of a CMJ Film Festival. The Festival is previewing some of the hottest movies coming out this season, including Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny and The Fountain. Yesterday evening, they kicked off the festival with a screening of Borat, featuring an appearance by the moustachioed misogynist himself. “Hello journalists and prostitutes,” he announced, “If you have to make dirt from anus, there is a gypsy boy with a box by exit. Hurry, box fill quickly.” The lights dimmed, and the most anticipated movie of the year began rolling. So we liveblogged!

6:30 Kazakhstani music rolls.
6:31 Haha.
6:38 Oh ahahahaaaaa!
6:40 No, oh nononononono.
6:42-7:02 Lollllz.
7:03 (Loud groaning.)
7:10-7:40 No! Haaaaa.
7:40-11:54: Laughing to myself.
11:55: Chuckling softly.
11:56: Sleep.
11:57: Haaaaaa.

Verdict: No one was more sick of looking at Borat’s face than us. Even still, the movie lives up to the hype and then some. Though we do feel as though we’ve eaten too much candy today.

While You Were Dressing Up Like a Sluttier Version of a Blue-Collar Professional

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  • An attorney has accused Anna Nicole Smith of dyeing her 2 month-old baby’s hair to make the infant look more like the man Smith claims is its father. Clearly Captain Lawyerpants hasn’t read the “It’s Never Too Early To Start Artificially Improving Your Appearance” chapter in Anna Nicole’s Guide to Better Parenting.
  • K-Fed says he didn’t orignally plan on falling in love with Britney when he first met her. The original plan was actually to hit over the head with a lead pipe, strip off her clothes, take nude photos, and try to blackmail the pop star for $500.
  • I’m sort of surprised that a veteran actor like Brad Pitt could still fall victim to the old “These shots of you in your underwear are for ART. Oops, how did they get on the cover of a magazine?” swindle. That’s the kind of naive career blunder usually reserved for wannabe starlets from the Laguna Beach cast.
  • If you suckers keep giving Hollywood your money to see the latest Saw sequel every Halloween like morons, we can expect the final intallment of the endless adventures of Jigsaw the Clown Sadist to premiere somewhere around the apocalypse.
  • We like itz. We Lovitz. We want some more of itz.

…OF THE DAY

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  • LATE NIGHT GIMMICK: Don’t forget to catch Conan tonight — it’s in Skelevision! Take a shot of gin every time a Nicole Richie joke is made. (Jam! Showbiz)
  • HOT COUPLE: Ivanka Trump and Topher Grace spotted canoodling at her birthday party. Now, if they get married, what are the odds he’ll change his name to Topher Trump? Cause we really like the sound of that. (The Superficial)
  • HALLOWEEN COSTUME: This year, Kate Bosworth dresses up in the classic “Someone Who Goes Supermarket Shopping” outfit. (A Socialite’s Life)
  • PLINKOH-NO!: Bob Barker is leaving The Price Is Right!!! Hopefully, Pat O’Brien is up to the molesty challenge. (TMZ.com)
  • PREFERENCE: Paris Hilton prefers eating over sex. Things she prefers above eating: Shopping, Lying and Lying. (PR Inside)