While You Were Dressing Up Like a Sluttier Version of a Blue-Collar Professional

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  • An attorney has accused Anna Nicole Smith of dyeing her 2 month-old baby’s hair to make the infant look more like the man Smith claims is its father. Clearly Captain Lawyerpants hasn’t read the “It’s Never Too Early To Start Artificially Improving Your Appearance” chapter in Anna Nicole’s Guide to Better Parenting.
  • K-Fed says he didn’t orignally plan on falling in love with Britney when he first met her. The original plan was actually to hit over the head with a lead pipe, strip off her clothes, take nude photos, and try to blackmail the pop star for $500.
  • I’m sort of surprised that a veteran actor like Brad Pitt could still fall victim to the old “These shots of you in your underwear are for ART. Oops, how did they get on the cover of a magazine?” swindle. That’s the kind of naive career blunder usually reserved for wannabe starlets from the Laguna Beach cast.
  • If you suckers keep giving Hollywood your money to see the latest Saw sequel every Halloween like morons, we can expect the final intallment of the endless adventures of Jigsaw the Clown Sadist to premiere somewhere around the apocalypse.
  • We like itz. We Lovitz. We want some more of itz.

…OF THE DAY

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  • LATE NIGHT GIMMICK: Don’t forget to catch Conan tonight — it’s in Skelevision! Take a shot of gin every time a Nicole Richie joke is made. (Jam! Showbiz)
  • HOT COUPLE: Ivanka Trump and Topher Grace spotted canoodling at her birthday party. Now, if they get married, what are the odds he’ll change his name to Topher Trump? Cause we really like the sound of that. (The Superficial)
  • HALLOWEEN COSTUME: This year, Kate Bosworth dresses up in the classic “Someone Who Goes Supermarket Shopping” outfit. (A Socialite’s Life)
  • PLINKOH-NO!: Bob Barker is leaving The Price Is Right!!! Hopefully, Pat O’Brien is up to the molesty challenge. (TMZ.com)
  • PREFERENCE: Paris Hilton prefers eating over sex. Things she prefers above eating: Shopping, Lying and Lying. (PR Inside)

DAILY D-BAG: That 70′s Douche (No, The Other One)

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topher1.jpgI used to think Topher Grace was pretty cool, perhaps the only member of the cast of That 70′s Show who might somehow be able to escape the on-set vortex of suck that resulted in the modern manifestations of Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valerrama (who’s already a card-carrying member of The Daily D elite). After all, Topher was pretty good in his small parts in Traffic and Ocean’s 11, and not altogether annoying as the star of In Good Company. He seemed affable, charming – maybe even a little witty. But then I read something like this, discovering that my boy T is actually dating purebred fame-whore Ivanka Trump, seen out “canoodling” together at some idiot-magnet nightclub called “Pure” for her 25th birthday while, perhaps worst of all, voluntarily hanging out with the aforementioned Wilmer Douche-o-rama, probably while f*cking K-Fed gave a live solo acoustic performance just for the three of them. I therefore have no alternative but to rule in favor of the D, and award Topher Grace the dishonor of being today’s Daily Douche.

Running Diary: Playing With Fire

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playingwithfire1.jpgIn front of me I have a brand new, recently purchased, bright and shiny copy of Kevin Federline’s debut rap album Playing With Fire. The disc is 49:32 long, contains 13 listed tracks plus a bonus track titled “Middle Finger”, and it was all mine for the low low price of $13.99 at the local Virgin Megastore. Those are all facts and they cannot be argued.

This morning when I woke up I decided I was going to do something daring. I decided I was going to listen to Playing With Fire from beginning to end, no breaks, and keep a running diary throughout the entire thing. Co-workers called this decision “brave”, “terrifying”, and “absoutely f**king retarded.” I agree with them all. But I’m going to do it because somebody has to. And I’m going to do it with an open mind, too, because honestly; it can’t be that bad, can it? Can it? There’s only one way to find out. Wish me luck.

4:00:12 - “Grandpa, grandpa, can you tell me a story about what it was like when you were young?” That’s how it all begins, hinting that this album (or at least this song) actually comes FROM THE FUTURE! Deep! I’m crossing my fingers that music from the future doesn’t completely suck.

4:02:30 - So far in the first 2:30 I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned that Kevin doesn’t give a f**k what we all think, the media tends to enjoy f**king with him and he has a f**king black gat in his backpack. Or a black cat. Either way, he’s dangerous. I think.

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LISTEN UP: If You Believe In Life After Young Love

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  • We caught a performance form the band Young Love last night, and were impressed that lead singer Dan Keyes was able to sound so Cher-like without the aid of electronic equipment and/or a feeathered-headress. In any case, they’re catchy like the herps. Enjoy two of the songs off their upcoming album right now: Find a New Way and Discotech.
  • And now! Four Halloween Playlists, sure to keep your party alive until people fall into insulin-induced comas. First up, Zeon’s Music Blog puts together a Halloween mix with enough trendy songs and ironic 90′s rock (i.e. Cranberries) to put a smile on even the deadest of ironic slutty prosties.
  • The main reason we’re including Instrumental Analysis‘ catchily morbid list? We were DJ Jazzy Jeff for Halloween last year.
  • Red Blondehead rounds up a handful of the greatest songs with the word “monster”/”witch” in the title. The results are terrifyingly harmonious.
  • And the appropriately titled Heart on a Stick blog compiles 10 morbidly themed songs you’ve almost certainly never heard of before, unless of course you’re a fan of the band Cult of a Psychic Fetus, in which case we really underestimated you.

ICYMI: Eating, Sleeping, Breathing Borat

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We know we’re bordering on oversaturation here, but we wouldn’t feel right knowing you’re going about Diabetes Day having not seen Borat‘s appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. Here’s a highlights reel, including a h.i.l.a.r.i.o.u.s. clip from the movie coming out THIS FRIDAY!

LAST MINUTE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! CNN Edish

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andersoncoupon.JPGStuck at work without a costume? Need something quick and easy for that Halloween party tonight? Here are a couple of last minute ideas that can easily incorporate your business attire, dressing up as versions of your favorite CNN anchors.

  • Comb baby powder through your hair, staple discount vouchers from the Sunday paper all over yourself, perfect your steely gaze, and go as Anderson Coupon.
  • Steal some tin foil from the communal kitchen, fashion them into antlers, comb that beard, and magically transform into Wolf Blitzen.
  • Unscrew a toilet seat from a stall, put it around your head, and poof! Loo Dobbs.
  • What’s black and white and business-suited all over? Jeanne Moos.
  • Fro that hair up, adopt an unplaceable accent, tighten up that hobo’s bindle, paint on a frown, and impress your friends when you reveal that you’re Christiane Aman-Poor. (We feel your booing and we’re hurt.)
  • Any other ideas?