It’s been awhile since we’ve darkened The Hoff’s door, so let’s take another trip to the Fortress of Hoffitude and find out what our man Davey’s been doing, shall we?
- According to tabloid reports, The Hoff recently fell asleep in the middle of an on-camera TV interview. This was actually just a big misunderstanding as The Hoff wasn’t sleeping – he was generously allowing the interviewer a quiet moment in which she might better savor the pleasure of his company.
- The Hoff says he “doesn’t get” supermodel Kate Moss, which means that Kate Moss just surpassed creation as the greatest mystery mankind has ever known, because The Hoff “gets” everything.
- The Hoff has REVEALED that “a tragic teen saved him from a drink-fueled downward spiral”. That same teen would later grow up to become Martin Luther King Jr.
- The Hoff says he was conned into judging America’s Got Talent by Simon Cowell, who lied and told him the show was called America Wants The Hoff’s Talent, And So He Shall Give It To Them.
We thought you’d enjoy this vintage Tollywood rip-off of Michael Jackson’s video for “Thriller” (way scarier!), though we must say – just because he molests children doesn’t mean MJ doesn’t have Intellectual Property rights!
From first hearing about it, to first trying it, to first seeing how much fun it can be, we must confess to you, dear readers, our recent love affair with Cocaine, the energy drink. Since this wonderful product has come into our lives, everything seems to be going great – we’ve got more energy, we’re way more interesting to talk to, and we find the tabloid trashcan we must sift through every day to be far more tolerable. So why are these party-poopers trying to kill our buzz and tell us there’s something wrong with all the heart-pumping fun we’ve been having with Cocaine, the energy drink? Take this square, for example:
â€œThere are only two reasons that you would seek to use this infamous and insidious name to market your so-called energy drink,â€ said Councilman James Sanders Jr. of Queens, who organized a news conference at City Hall. â€œEither you are woefully ignorant of the horrors of cocaine addiction, or your god is the dollar bill, and not even human life is more sacred.â€
Just like “The Man” – always trying to ruin a good thing and a great time. I guess “James Sanders Jr.” (if that’s even his real name) didn’t bother to read the tiny disclaimer on DrinkCocaine.com that clearly states, “We don’t advocate drug use. What you do with your drink is completely up to you!”. Now THAT is what I call a firm stance! If he’d bothered doing a little research before his sanctimonious grandstanding, Councilman Sanders also could have read some handy tips on how to make mixed drinks such as the Liquid Cocaine, the Cocaine Snort and, my personal favorite, the Cocaine/Apple Tini. I’m sipping on one of those delicious concoctions as I type this very sentence. Mmmm hmmm.
There’s just something about David Palmer asking Joy Behar this question that proves, once and for all, everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.
The Salvador Dali painting that is Anna Nicole Smith’s life has somehow managed to become even more surreal, with paparazzi photographer turned subject-seducer Larry Birkhead now filing a paternity suit against Smith to determine whether or not he is the father of her newborn child (who ever would have thought a man would be arguing to PROVE he knocked up Anna Nicole?) Birkhead alleges that Smith is addicted to methadone, the same heroin substitute that was partially responsible for the tragic death of her eldest son. Additionally, he accuses Smith of orchestrating an elaborate ruse to find someone (namely her new husband/attorney Howard K. Stern) to publicly claim to be the child’s father, an allegation we find dubious if for no reason other than Anna Nicole’s inability to orchestrate anything more elaborate than a sandwich. Only time – and justice – will tell whether Mr. Birkhead is a sleazy opportunist, or a loving father desperately trying to save his child from a life of torture and abuse at the hands of a woman who was once the subject of a reality show about being addicted to pills.
As the MLB Playoffs begin this afternoon, we here at BWE would like to offer our congratulations to the New York Yankees and their fans. After having to endure a brutal stretch of nearly 11 straight months without a playoff appearance, the Yankees are finally back where they belong: The Postseason, on FOX!
It wasn’t easy. Many doubters didn’t think the Yankees would be able to follow in the footsteps of previous playoff-bound Yankee teams– legendary teams from the past, lead by players like Derek Jeter, Robinson Cano, Chien Ming-Wang and Jason Giambi (pictured indicating the number of drug tests he passed this year, Right). Yet somehow the Yankees were able to find a way to get this season’s ragtag group of All-Stars (one at every single position, mind you) to compile 97 victories and yet another Division Title. And they found a way to do it all with a payroll of just $200 million. It must not have been easy.
So congratulations, New York! Waiting 11 long months and having to endure 162 straight games of non-Playoff baseball must not have been easy! Welcome back to the Postseason… on FOX!
I’m not a pedophile. I’m pro-wrestler. You’re thinking of Mark Foley. Please stop sending me nasty emails. I don’t even have AIM. Thank you for understanding.
Mick Foley, a.k.a. Mankind, a.k.a. Cactus Jack, a.k.a. Dude Love
P.s. Don’t read into the Dude Love thing. It’s just a nickname, I swear.
Being a person who happens to think that most of the current “Bush bashing (you over the brain with obviousness)” comedy is about as funny as the situation in Darfur (and less subtle), I was surprised to find myself chuckling at this simple-yet-effective “A Life In Pictures” promo for recently released Destined For Destiny: the Unauthorized Biography of George W. Bush. Say what you want about him, but the guy really does have friends in some pretty high places.